LDR break up - He is now in another relationship but wants to get back together

[kathrineA]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I've been reading in the forums and it has really helped me a lot to know I'm not alone in my mess of a relationship.

 

I knew my x before I moved to another country for work, back then we were just friends. After I moved we talked in Skype 4-5 hours almost every night and after a while we decided to try a LDR. He came to visit and I went back to visit him quite often and so it was for 1.5 years. Then the economic crisis broke out and he was in a really bad financial situation, he said he couldn't come to visit me any more and that the telephone-internet bill was too expencive for him, so he broke up. I thought it was a bad excuse but I had no reason not to take him to his word, I knew he was under a lot of stress.

We had NC for a few months and then I went on a short trip back home. I gave him a ring and we met up and everything was suddenly as it had been before, we were so in love again. But then he told me he has found someone else in the meantime: she is staying in town for a few months and he is planning to be with her untill she leaves, in september. Since then we have been takling over skype almost every night and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants me back, but he is not going to leave his GF for me, he will just wait for her to go in a few months... I can't get over the fact that he is with someone else right now, even for a short while.

My job contract ends in a few months and I will return to my home town - that means that we can be together again.

Problem is, I am not sure I will be able to get over the fact that he broke up with me and found someone else! Am I paranoid? Does he really deserve a second chance? The break up caused me a lot of pain and I have to say that it gets worse every time I think of the OW and every time I can't reach him on the phone. It is like the breaking up all over again.

I would really like to hear your opinion about this, I am so emotionaly involved that I can't see clear.

[Thornton]

I can understand him being unable to afford a visit, but come on: telephone and internet is very cheap and he's unlikely to have his phone line cut off. He's just making excuses; nobody gives up someone they really love just because they want to save a tenner on the internet bill!

 

Now he's dating someone else and he refuses to break up with her for you; I would not be happy playing second fiddle, if he really wanted you he would dump her. You shouldn't continue to allow him to treat you so disrespectfully. If I were you I'd dump him, and not even bother contacting him when I got back to my home town. He's a cheater and a liar who has no respect for you and clearly doesn't love you, and you can do a lot better.

[Bearandsue]

I agree this guy has no respect for you whatsoever. He is asking you to hang around waiting for him while he carries on with this other woman.

 

Say she does leave town. Who is to say that he will even break up with her. This is a situation you do not need to be in. I know it is hard letting go of someone who you love but this guy is not worth it.

 

Let it go and move on. The time you spent waiting around for him you could have been in a healthy happy relationship.

 

Best of luck to you

[kathrineA]

Thanks for your response Thornton and Bearandsue.

The telephone bill in Europe can get quite expensive and I know he had serious problems with his mortgage so he literally had to save every penny.

I can tell that your advice is spot on, I also feel that he has no respect for me, but I keep thinking up excuses for him... Like, technically he hasn't cheated on me, he started dating after our breakup. And he had the decency to tell me that he was with someone else, he could have kept silent and I would never have known... I know I am just being silly here, but it is hard to get over him when he calls and says everything I 've been longing to hear from him all this time.

[Thornton]

I live in Europe and the telephone bill isn't that expensive. Plus you can use Skype to call anywhere in the world for free. He's making excuses for not wanting to talk to you - nobody ends a relationship with someone they love just because they can't afford the telephone bill.

 

You say he isn't cheating on you, but he's cheating on his gf by telling you he loves you while he's still with her. What do you want to bet that he tells her he loves her too? Plus he's putting you in second place: he refuses to end his relationship with another girl in order to be with you, so how can you think he respects you or wants to be with you? Sorry, but he's keeping you hanging on to fuel his own ego and to make sure he has someone to fawn over him when this other girl goes away. My advice is to get rid of him and find someone who will treat you properly... have some self respect.

[kathrineA]

I am normally not so naive, but in this relationship I haven't really been myself. Love does this sometimes...

Thornton it is nice to have an objective point of view, your post has helped me a lot.

I still have to say though that I've seen his monthly telephone bill of 600$. He also admitted later that he was obsessed with calling me, he called 5-6 times during the day, plus all the hours we talked on the internet at night. We were talking about it and he said he had really lost himself in our relationship because he was only thinking of me, neglecting all other things in his life. I know this to be true and it did get quite annoying sometimes.

I asked him what would happen if I came back before his gf leaves and he said he would make up some excuse to her and be with me. He also said he hasn't told her he loves her and he has made it perfectly clear to her that their relationship will end when she leaves.

Actually, looking at it from this girl's point of view he has been quite awful to her

[Bearandsue]

sweetie if he loved you so much he would have dumped her already! Stop making excuses for him.

 

The fact that he is still with her says it all. When she leaves it will just be a long distance relationship between them. She was probably the reason why he broke up with you in the first place.

 

You need to seriously look at this without the rose colored glasses. Sure what you had before was great but that is over.

[Thornton]

I still have to say though that I've seen his monthly telephone bill of 600$. He also admitted later that he was obsessed with calling me, he called 5-6 times during the day, plus all the hours we talked on the internet at night. We were talking about it and he said he had really lost himself in our relationship because he was only thinking of me, neglecting all other things in his life.

So he stops calling you during the day and only texts you occasionally and talks to you at night on Skype. No reason to completely end the relationship. As bear said, he probably dumped you for this other girl anyway.

 

I asked him what would happen if I came back before his gf leaves and he said he would make up some excuse to her and be with me. He also said he hasn't told her he loves her and he has made it perfectly clear to her that their relationship will end when she leaves.

Yeah right, keep telling yourself that. He probably ****s her a dozen times a day and tell her how great she tastes and how much he loves her. If he would dump her if you came back, why can't he dump her now?

 

Actually, looking at it from this girl's point of view he has been quite awful to her

So what makes you think he would be any less awful to you? He's a bad egg, you can tell by the way he's treating his gf, never mind how he's treated you.

[Rollercoasterr]

If you do this, then how are you to know if one day he starts calling her and telling her how much he loves HER and that he's just waiting for you to leave so he can be with her again? If he's doing it to her, he'll do it to you. Make no mistake--it WILL happen.

 

The simple fact that he's with this girl--laughing with her, kissing her, cuddling her, having sex, taking her out and then coming home and talking to you is disgusting to me. You're playing second fiddle and allowing it. This can't feel good for you.

 

I hope and pray that you have the decency to say no to this.

[kathrineA]

Thanks everybody, your advice gives me the strength to break free.

 

I know form an independent source that he met this girl one month after our break up and that she went for him, he didn't want to get involved in the beginning.

But it doesn't really matter, does it? Bottom line, he doesn't want his peace disturbed and he is putting me on waiting untill she leaves...

[Decembergirl]

Kathrine,

 

My heart goes out to you. I understand how love is, and how difficult it can be to let go when you've jumped in so wholeheartedly. But I agree with others here. This man is a cheater (and once a cheater...). He's not someone you could trust, and once trust is broken--in my opinion--the relationship is over.

 

I speak from experience. Many years ago I married a man despite the fact that he'd cheated on me during our dating years. I thought I could get over it and learn to trust him, but it left a really bad scar. And it turned out he wasn't the loyal type. At least I was young and it was a lesson well learned.

 

I hope you'll find someone wonderful and far more deserving of you.

[Rollercoasterr]

He may not have cheated on you with her, but he's certainly cheating on her with you. How does that make it any better? He'll do it again.

 

Excuses, excuses.

[Island Girl]

There was a time when I had to reduce contact with my husband because of expense.

 

So we discussed it and he understood about the expense - just as you did - and we made adjustments.

We did not break up because of it.

Even if we hadn't been married at the time we would not have broken up because of it.

We love each other. Bottom line. So whatever the circumstances we remain together.

 

1. He broke up with you in hard times.

 

So this relationship wasn't important enough to make it through thick and thin good times and bad.

 

2. He found someone else.

 

You were broken up, yes, but he found someone else.

He didn't come back to you wanting a second chance because he'd been a moron and lost the best thing he ever had.

He moved on to someone else.

 

Then YOU got in touch with him and he decided he wanted you back.

 

But he won't dump his current girlfriend for you.

 

So he has asked that you wait around until he is free and then he'll renew the relationship.

In the meantime he just disrespects both of you.

You, by asking you to wait around listening to his drivel about how much he cares -- all the while proving how much he DOESN'T by staying with her.

Her, by talking to you behind her back and professing his adoration of you (don't even think he isn't telling her a lot of the same thing. HE IS.) and stringing her along until she leaves.

 

Sounds like he likes the fact that he can talk to you whenever he likes and still has her around physically to satisfy those needs.

 

I don't know what you are thinking about making excuses for him.

 

If you want a guy to treat you like crap you can go and get ten just like him. They basically line the streets.

 

What makes a guy special is the way he treats you. And you deserve love, respect, and devotion just like the rest of us.

HE is't giving any of these things to you.

 

And you MAY say, "well, he IS going to in September. So if I just wait then I have that."

 

But that isn't the case. The fact that he'd ask you to be in this position shows he doesn't love you. He might say he does but he doesn't. When a man loves a woman he doesn't ask her to play 2nd best.

He doesn't have any respect for you. Asking you to wait around until she leaves just means you aren't important to him.

 

My husband - even when we were dating - would have NEVER asked me to do this. He'd know the answer would be no"No effing way! See ya!". And he knows that I'd mean it.

I'd expect the same if the situation was reversed.

 

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated this way?

[kathrineA]

Island Girl thank you very much for your post. You are perfectly right in everything and in my sad moments I come back and read it and it really helps me hang on .

I have now stopped all communication with this guy, but it seems that this drives him crazy, he has been calling almost every night. I just don't pick up the phone cause I am not sure I could talk to him right now. Maybe in a few days I will be able to just tell him to leave me alone.

Thanks to everyone for showing me the obvious, that I was being disrespectful to myself, giving him the right to treat me badly. I think everything will be better form now on

[Island Girl]

Island Girl thank you very much for your post. You are perfectly right in everything and in my sad moments I come back and read it and it really helps me hang on .

I have now stopped all communication with this guy, but it seems that this drives him crazy, he has been calling almost every night. I just don't pick up the phone cause I am not sure I could talk to him right now. Maybe in a few days I will be able to just tell him to leave me alone.

Thanks to everyone for showing me the obvious, that I was being disrespectful to myself, giving him the right to treat me badly. I think everything will be better form now on

 

You are so very very welcome.

 

You are a Princess and deserve to be treated like one.