hermit Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hey, it's been a while... This is a really awkward situation. I went for a drink with a friend last night. He's not a close friend, but more part of a group of people I know, someone I met at university, though he graduated last year, but has since done some work for me. Anyway, as he lives nearby he walked me home and when we got there I invited him in for a drink (with absolutely no other intention than just hanging out as friends). We had a really cool time chatting and listening to music, all the while getting quite tipsy. It got very late and at some point we kissed. It was just spur of the moment, and I didn't really mind at the time. We had a bit of a snog and a fumble, and then he started telling me all these things like he'd always wanted to kiss me and even that I was beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I was flattered, but at the same time started feeling quite awkward, and he was getting really into it. As I do consider him a friend I didn't want to be rude but it came to the point where I pretty much had to show him the door. As he left he told me I had no idea how much he wanted me (!). I felt bad because it felt like I might have led him on. Minutes later he sent me a text saying how he'd really enjoyed the evening and wether I wanted to meet him monday (luckily I had a good excuse). He sent me a few more messages and I replied politely (if he wasn't a friend I might not have). THen today he started texting me again, but very casual things, just telling me about his day and that he'd enjoyed last night. I replied again out of politeness, as neutraly as possible. I don't know how to tell this guy that I'm not really attracted to him. I'm worried if I keep replying to his texts I might be leading him on, but at the same time I don't want to be rude for our friendship's sake. I've didn't reply to his last message but feel so bad about it. Anyone out there experienced this kind of situation?
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hey, it's been a while... This is a really awkward situation. I went for a drink with a friend last night. He's not a close friend, but more part of a group of people I know, someone I met at university, though he graduated last year, but has since done some work for me. Anyway, as he lives nearby he walked me home and when we got there I invited him in for a drink (with absolutely no other intention than just hanging out as friends). We had a really cool time chatting and listening to music, all the while getting quite tipsy. It got very late and at some point we kissed. It was just spur of the moment, and I didn't really mind at the time. We had a bit of a snog and a fumble, and then he started telling me all these things like he'd always wanted to kiss me and even that I was beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I was flattered, but at the same time started feeling quite awkward, and he was getting really into it. As I do consider him a friend I didn't want to be rude but it came to the point where I pretty much had to show him the door. As he left he told me I had no idea how much he wanted me (!). I felt bad because it felt like I might have led him on. Minutes later he sent me a text saying how he'd really enjoyed the evening and wether I wanted to meet him monday (luckily I had a good excuse). He sent me a few more messages and I replied politely (if he wasn't a friend I might not have). THen today he started texting me again, but very casual things, just telling me about his day and that he'd enjoyed last night. I replied again out of politeness, as neutraly as possible. I don't know how to tell this guy that I'm not really attracted to him. I'm worried if I keep replying to his texts I might be leading him on, but at the same time I don't want to be rude for our friendship's sake. I've didn't reply to his last message but feel so bad about it. Anyone out there experienced this kind of situation? You have to just drop the bomb and tell him outright in no uncertain terms. He's obviously been pining for you for quite some time, so it's time to put him out of his misery. Be prepared to discover that you two were never truly friends, he always wanted to be with you. You may lose him as a friend, but if you really care about him as a person you'll be brutally honest and let him take space to get over you if he needs it.
Author hermit Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Wow... Thanks for your reply. I have to say what you said shocked me, I just had no idea, I feel even worse now. But what you say makes sense. I just feel so horrible to have led him on. All the men I've encountered since my rs ended only ever wanted "a bit of fun" and it was me that was getting hurt. To be honest I thought he was just like them. That's why I freaked out when he started telling me all this "loved up" stuff... Oh dear...
funwithpaint Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 What will be will be but what phateless said is absolutely right. You need to let him know now because this is the time he is looking for your reaction. He probably figured out that he pushed to hard that night and now hes trying to do damage control with his text messages. The worst thing you could do to this guy is to not tell him because he will keep trying. He knew what he was getting into "nothing ventured nothing gained" and all that and since this is kinda early off it wont be so hard on him.
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Wow... Thanks for your reply. I have to say what you said shocked me, I just had no idea, I feel even worse now. But what you say makes sense. I just feel so horrible to have led him on. All the men I've encountered since my rs ended only ever wanted "a bit of fun" and it was me that was getting hurt. To be honest I thought he was just like them. That's why I freaked out when he started telling me all this "loved up" stuff... Oh dear... Don't beat yourself up, it's totally understandable. I'm sure it feels great to have him around so it was easy to miss the signs. I genuinely believe that you didn't do this intentionally. I hope he can see that. To a certain extent he did this to himself by not making a move on you when he first got to know you. I say that as a man who's been in his situation far too many times. You know, it's possible you may have some feelings for him if you were attracted enough to let it go as far as it did? Maybe it's worth telling him to SLOW THE HELL DOWN and give it a shot? I don't know, that's your call. At least now you understand the forces at work here, so you can do the right thing. I wish you the best of luck. Situations like this just plain suck.
WTRanger Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Why not tell him to put the brakes on or else it'll be really over? If you didn't mind kissing him, that might be a slight sign that there could be something between you two. Granted you were a bit tipsy, so who knows? Was it the fact that you realize you two had kissed or the fact that instead of just going with the moment this guy had to get all sappy on you and spill his feelings that turned out off from him? Say, if he had stayed quiet or said, "That was nice," or something simple like that. Would the situation have been any different? Would you have let him stay the night? Just curious, because if a girl got all Hallmark on me like that I too would be a bit turned off.
Phateless Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Why not tell him to put the brakes on or else it'll be really over? If you didn't mind kissing him, that might be a slight sign that there could be something between you two. Granted you were a bit tipsy, so who knows? Was it the fact that you realize you two had kissed or the fact that instead of just going with the moment this guy had to get all sappy on you and spill his feelings that turned out off from him? Say, if he had stayed quiet or said, "That was nice," or something simple like that. Would the situation have been any different? Would you have let him stay the night? Just curious, because if a girl got all Hallmark on me like that I too would be a bit turned off. Agreed. Poor guy finally got his foot in the door and he screwed it up instantly by coming on way too strong and gushing all his feelings to you. Kinda sweet, but way too much.
Author hermit Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Thanks for all your replies, they're all really helpful. In response to your question, no, I absolutely was not attracted to him in the first place, I saw him as a friend and our kiss as a bit of fun. The reason I kicked him out the house was not that he was getting too sappy (I love men being sappy - if I have feelings for them), but because I got freaked out by the realisation that contrary to what I thought he was actually genuine and what I was doing was giving him some kind of false hope. I felt really bad and wanted to avoid causing more damage, hoping he would get the message. The reason I'm beating myself up over it is that I've been lead along so many times myself and hate making someone feel like this. Yes, this sucks big time.
Phateless Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Thanks for all your replies, they're all really helpful. In response to your question, no, I absolutely was not attracted to him in the first place, I saw him as a friend and our kiss as a bit of fun. The reason I kicked him out the house was not that he was getting too sappy (I love men being sappy - if I have feelings for them), but because I got freaked out by the realization that contrary to what I thought he was actually genuine and what I was doing was giving him some kind of false hope. I felt really bad and wanted to avoid causing more damage, hoping he would get the message. The reason I'm beating myself up over it is that I've been lead along so many times myself and hate making someone feel like this. Yes, this sucks big time. I see. Well you're a true friend to actually care about his well being in this way. I stand by my original recommendation of giving him the harsh truth straightaway. Hopefully he can find himself a girl who returns his feelings and then you two can be friends again. Real friends this time.
Author hermit Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Hey guys, thanks again for your great advice. My head's been pretty messed up this weekend. My friend sent me another text message in which he implied (but didn't straight out SAY) that he would like to meet up today. I pretty much sent him one back just making out I was too busy as I'm going on holiday tomorrow and wishing him a nice summer. Well, after that I felt worse than ever, I really felt like such a bitch, I couldn't believe I was doing this to him. He didn't reply to my text and who can blame him? So finally sent him The Message, where I pretty much told him what the score was, that I felt like a bitch for leading him on and offering my apologies, and also telling him I hope we'll be able to hang out again sometime. Yet I can't get rid of this feeling that I've well and truly f***ed up this friendship. He's such an amazing guy, I love him in a 100% platonic way, but that dosn't make it less painful that I've messed him about. Do you really think there's hope we'll be friends again?
carhill Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 If you were proactive at all in the kiss, fumble and snog, and you feel 100% platonic about the guy, you have a bit of maturing left to do. What this was was an ego feed, admittedly in part due to the pain you've felt in being led on. Tell me about the time you introduced your friend to one of your female acquaintances with whom you thought he might hit it off.....hmmm.... OK.... Lastly, another sign of maturity is looking him in the eye and telling him how you feel and that you are deeply sorry if he felt you were leading him on. Sending an e-mail is an affront to the friendship, IMO. If I were in his shoes, I would not have contact with you anymore. I say that as a mature man with strong boundaries. Fair is fair. If it were the reverse, I would expect him (and those other guys who led you on) to do the same thing. It's the right thing to do. If he has self-respect, you will not hear from him again
Author hermit Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 I seriously thought he was just trying to get into my pants, have a bit of fun, and so yes, I was pro-active. It's kind of what I've come to expect from blokes. I guess I'm cynical rather than or as well as immature (I'm not sure I'd agree with that, but if that's the vibe you're getting...) However, when he started telling me things like "you're beautiful" I tried putting as gentle an end to it as possible. Yes, it definitely freaked me out. No-one has ever told me such a thing after a drunken snog. To be honest, I thought he'd get the drift there and then. I obviously tried to be as nice as possible about it as he's my friend. The reason i didn't want to meet up with him in person was the worry that it might get his hopes up and he'd try to make another pass at me, in which case I would have found it very hard to be harsh to him due to what I've laready done. I have to say your reply really upset me, but I'm glad you're being so honest.
WTRanger Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Let this be a lesson that you NEVER know what another person is thinking. It should have stopped .0005 seconds into the kiss. You know what was going on, sure you were drunk, but I think you still had all of your abilities about you. But because you thought all this guy wanted was a fling, you let it progress. And, unfortunately, much to your horror he was actually interested in you as well. Now we've got a messy situation on your hands. If you are 100% not into him as anything more than a friend, then you have to be a mean ole bitch to him. You have to slam the door in his face, in fact you may have to lock it for a while. You can't only partially close it. You cannot give him anything to hang onto, because he will. He will think that maybe, maybe, maybe, in due time you two will be together. If that happens he may come back thinking he's still got a shot and you'll think you've got your friend back and the lie persists. The best you can do, is learn from this. I don't know if the friendship will survive. Only time can tell, and it's also up to this guy to decide. For now, you have to back away and let him come to you. You cannot keep contacting him or at least lay low for 2-3 months to let things settle. For what it's worth, the text idea was weak. This stuff can only be done in person, or at bare minimum over the phone. There has to be a personal quality to a topic like this.
boogieboy Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Yeah BTW, what you thought was a friendship was never a friendship. You knew he liked you and you hung around him anyway because you got what you wanted. Thats where Carhill was talking about maturity. So you didnt F*ck up a friendship, there was no friendship in the first place when he had feelings for you. Once you dropped that bomb on him, he shouldnt want to hang around you anymore. if he does, you should not let him. And if you arent into a guy, you shouldnt be inviting him into your place late night for drinks just so you can have some company. Have some boundaries.
carhill Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I seriously thought he was just trying to get into my pants, have a bit of fun, and so yes, I was pro-active. Is that typical for him? What has he shared with you about his sexual preferences? Is he into casual sport f*cking? If so, that would change my opinion and shift responsibility to him. It's kind of what I've come to expect from blokes. I guess I'm cynical rather than or as well as immature (I'm not sure I'd agree with that, but if that's the vibe you're getting...)If I could share a perspective I've developed about women, which I believe applies equally to men..... We're all different. See each of us as unique. Simple, yes? when he started telling me things like "you're beautiful" I tried putting as gentle an end to it as possible. Yes, it definitely freaked me out. No-one has ever told me such a thing after a drunken snog. To be honest, I thought he'd get the drift there and then. I obviously tried to be as nice as possible about it as he's my friend. Generally, men respond well to clear and direct communication. This is due to their socialization. There's is a competitive and often brutal world. Nuances are often lost. Since he was apparently misunderstanding your intentions, this is where you have to be clear. Save that one for future use The reason i didn't want to meet up with him in person was the worry that it might get his hopes up and he'd try to make another pass at me, in which case I would have found it very hard to be harsh to him due to what I've already done.Tell me, how many passes has he made at you during the course of your friendship? What about your interactions with him would lead you to believe that he'd make another, especially sober? I have to say your reply really upset me, but I'm glad you're being so honest.Keep that in mind. I don't know you personally, but challenge is a part of clear communication. My intention was to poke a nerve and cause a reaction. Think about how you felt, both initially when reading my response, and then, later, reflecting upon it. I can tell you I've experienced the pain of clear negative communication from women many times in my life and I can say, without exception, ultimately I felt appreciative of their candor. It stung at the time, but that's the purpose, to shock me out of my lala land of infatuation and pedestal-building. It's a really healthy tool, IMO. Lastly, IMO, do not expand upon what you have already written to your friend. Let him process it in your absence. If he contacts you, be friendly and direct and supportive, as a friend would be. Best wishes
Phateless Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Hermit, this is not all your fault. I'm glad you're concerned about him but please stop feeling so guilty. He put himself in this situation to a certain degree by never doing anything about his feelings until now. I think you two can be friends again someday and I think Carhill's suggestion of trying to fix him up with another girl is an excellent one. I know you didn't actively lead him on and I hope he knows that too. Just talk with him openly and honestly and see where it goes. Be very clear with your limits and let him make his own decision. You can get through this.
Charles1978 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I did the same thing you did about a year or so ago with a long time friend of mine who I knew always wanted to date me. We had a bit too much to drink one night, had a talk about becoming FWB, and actually got a hotel room. Yeah I know... bad move. But I got cold feet because as the alcohol wore off, I began to realize what a mistake this was going to be. But we did hook up... no sex. I felt terrible about it because the feelings just werent there at all on my part. The best advice I can give is exactly what I did. I was very upfront with her and honest. I told her that what we had done was a mistake and that I just simply did not see her in that way, and that I never would. She took this very well... everyone is different. But I firmly believe that it was the right thing to do. We are still friends, so it worked out. Good luck to you.
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