My Dad and His Younger Woman

[NoIDidn't]

My dad and I are about as close as we can be considering he had little to do with raising me.

 

We became closer over the years since I got married. He supported me getting married and has always been a strong ally of both me and my husband.

 

But he's still never been very interested in my life.

 

He recently got divorced (for the third time) and told me he planned to spend more time with me and his grandkids. But instead he has already had a series of "girlfriends". My dad has never been faithful in a relationship in his entire life, so I'm not surprised at the plural girlfriends since my stepmom moved out two years ago. He's already "dated" seven women.

 

But this new one is annoying. She's not annoying personally so much, but she's practically my age. Only three years older than me. And I don't like this situation one bit. I wish he would stop seeing her, but know I can't control him or what he does. He calls me all the time with tales of her immaturity and holier than thou attitude. So I can't understand why he is still seeing her.

 

She is single, has never been married, and has never had kids and wants them desperately. He is recently divorced, has grown children and doesn't want anymore, and not going to be faithful to her anyway.

 

My brother is 20 years younger than me, but still an adult, but doesn't mind him dating her. He minds the fact that she wants kids and he doesn't want another "half" sibling because he knows they won't be close (like he and I aren't, but do care deeply for the other - I think its the age difference more than anything).

 

Why does this bother me so much? Part of me wants to warn her about what she is getting into, but I don't think she will listen. Part of me wants to warn him about her desire for kids meaning she will stop at nothing to get them. But most of all, I just want my dad to spend more time with me and my family. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[Thornton]

You're right: you cannot control what your father does. If he wants to date this woman he has every right to do so. If they want to have kids together, they have every right to do that too... nobody else's opinion matters, they can do what they like. This woman probably isn't aware of his history of cheating, she obviously thinks things could work out between them. It sounds like jealousy to me, because you want your father to spend time with you and your family instead of being with this woman and possibly having more kids. Unfortunately the ball is not in your court here.

 

I'm struggling to figure out the dates here though... even if your father had you at a really young age (say 20 as it's a nice round number) and then your brother was born 20 years later but he's already an adult (say he's 20 years old), that would make your Dad around 60... which makes you around 40, and if his gf is three years older than you that makes her 43... probably too old to have any kids anyway, and if such a thing were to happen it's unlikely to happen by accident, they would have to mutually agree to go for IVF. In any case, I don't know what woman in her right mind would want to have a child with a man of 60

[NoIDidn't]

While I appreciate your posting and the time it took, I can't really glean much from it when you waste so much time trying to figure out how old everyone is.

 

I already know I can't control him. I'm pretty certain he's not going to get her pregnant (we speak quite frankly with each other).

 

I just want to know if what I am feeling is normal. Am I somehow wrong for what I am feeling? You didn't attempt to address that part at all.

[Eve]

Just some thoughts..

 

From what you have said I would say that the most that you can expect from Dad are visits that you probably will have to instigate. To me, in reading what you have written it sounds as though you have seen the various transitions that your Dad has gone through but he hasnt really seen the transitions that you have experienced. In looking at my children, they are not that interested in my transitions, rather they connect with the whole person that I am. In many ways you have a fractured view of your father and he is not able to offer you anything more than this because in many respects he never got as far as you.

 

You have achieved a family environment and want Dad to share in it. Invite him but dont rely on him. Sometimes we must acknowledge that in some way our parents fail us. No parent is perfect but maybe the fact that your Dad has not been able to maintain any level of stability within his relationships has left you trying to attain this for yourself? Now that you have attained it, he still is not as interested as you probably wanted and so he is still an awkwardly shaped part of the puzzle.

 

I do see some relevance with the age thing. I can also relate to my children always needing me to be the parent in some greater respect, its like I am an anchor for them. Overall I just got a feeling of sadness from your post. It must be difficult to know about ones parents personal life moreso than feel their presence as strong influential attachment figures..

 

I mean, where would any confusion or anger go? I hope that you are able to talk to Dad about things. I am sure that there must be some level of closeness which could enable you two to draw up a closer relationship? All that matters is that you two can maintain a realistic level of closeness, even though this may not be possible in a traditional sense.

 

Finally, as for Dad having further children (I know this is unlikely as you have said) I think it normal to re-evalute your place in the family and not want this to happen.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[RA1]

But most of all' date=' I just want my dad to spend more time with me and my family. Am I wrong for feeling this way?[/quote']

No, it's wonderful that you feel that way. Have you told your dad how you feel? If I were your dad, that would delight me. Do you invite him over or out with you and your family? If so, how does he respond? Do you and your family go to visit him? If not, why not?

 

Regarding the mistakes he is making (in your opinion), I don't see why you shouldn't tell him - gently - your thoughts on the matter. But if he takes offense or disagrees, I would leave it at that. If the shoe was on the other foot, you probably wouldn't want him telling you repeatedly as an adult woman what you should and shouldn't do; but you'd probably listen once wouldn't you?

 

I wouldn't say anything to his girlfriend partly because as you say she wouldn't listen and partly because your motives could so easily be misconstrued.

[Thornton]

While I appreciate your posting and the time it took, I can't really glean much from it when you waste so much time trying to figure out how old everyone is.

 

Because, if you have an adult brother who is 20 years younger than you, you're clearly old enough that you shouldn't be chasing after daddy any more, his gf is too old to have kids anyway which renders your whole post moot, and your dad is too old to even consider any more kids so his gf would be crazy to want them with an old man (even if she could have them).

 

If you were 20 and still needed your dad, and he was 40 and was dating a slip of a girl who could easily get pregnant to trap him, then I could understand your post. But we're talking about a (probably) almost-pensioner dating a (probably past fertility) middle-aged woman, with a middle-aged daughter who is still jealous that daddy doesn't spend more time with her.

[NoIDidn't]

Because, if you have an adult brother who is 20 years younger than you, you're clearly old enough that you shouldn't be chasing after daddy any more, his gf is too old to have kids anyway which renders your whole post moot, and your dad is too old to even consider any more kids so his gf would be crazy to want them with an old man (even if she could have them).

 

If you were 20 and still needed your dad, and he was 40 and was dating a slip of a girl who could easily get pregnant to trap him, then I could understand your post. But we're talking about a (probably) almost-pensioner dating a (probably past fertility) middle-aged woman, with a middle-aged daughter who is still jealous that daddy doesn't spend more time with her.

 

Thanks for attempting again, but your posts are useless.

[Art_Critic]

He calls me all the time with tales of her immaturity and holier than thou attitude. So I can't understand why he is still seeing her.

 

NoIDidn't.... it might help you if when he called to talk about her that you draw the line with him and just tell him TMI.. I don't care to know about your relationship issues !

 

The flip side to it is that by the sounds of it she won't be around much longer anyhow..

Once the sex gets boring he/she will call it a day.

[NoIDidn't]

No, it's wonderful that you feel that way. Have you told your dad how you feel? If I were your dad, that would delight me. Do you invite him over or out with you and your family? If so, how does he respond? Do you and your family go to visit him? If not, why not?

 

Regarding the mistakes he is making (in your opinion), I don't see why you shouldn't tell him - gently - your thoughts on the matter. But if he takes offense or disagrees, I would leave it at that. If the shoe was on the other foot, you probably wouldn't want him telling you repeatedly as an adult woman what you should and shouldn't do; but you'd probably listen once wouldn't you?

 

I wouldn't say anything to his girlfriend partly because as you say she wouldn't listen and partly because your motives could so easily be misconstrued.

 

Thanks. He and I have spoken about this at length over the years when he was still married to step mom number three. He always says that he wants to spend more time with me and my family. But never does unless he has someone with him and puts on the proud grandpa act. Very annoying. He hardly ever sees them, but then wants them to perform for his latest lady friend.

 

He was supposed to visit yesterday but didn't when my husband and I asked that he not bring his girlfriend. He said he wasn't going to bring her, but then claimed she wanted to come even though he already knew where I stood. I know some could say I should take him however I can get him, but I don't get him under those circumstances. I get his girlfriend who's busy trying to impress him with how good she is with MY kids. He used to do this to me when I was a child - parade me around his girlfriends like I was an interview technique. I will not allow him to do this to my children.

 

So, yes, I've shared my feelings once or twice. He's not the kind of person that you say anything to more than that because he will shut you out for YEARS if you do.

 

I won't say anything to her. LOL. I did to my previous stepmom and she thought I was just a jealous teen who didn't want her dad with anyone. Not so. She left him in 2007 but in 2002 admitted to me that she wished she'd listened to me. But I won't do that again because it only seems to make people more determined that they are somehow different and going to change a person. This current girlfriend isn't likely to be in his life as a girlfriend for much longer. Dad does a great job training the ladies to being very willing FWB. Sad, I know. But that's him and I can't change that either.

[NoIDidn't]

NoIDidn't.... it might help you if when he called to talk about her that you draw the line with him and just tell him TMI.. I don't care to know about your relationship issues !

 

The flip side to it is that by the sounds of it she won't be around much longer anyhow..

Once the sex gets boring he/she will call it a day.

 

Art, I have told him this. Both of my parents are the biggest narcissists, at times. He doesn't care. He only wants his side of the story heard and if you object, you don't care about HIS feelings. LOL.

 

But you are right about her not being around much longer. I have a feeling that he finally got her into bed and is getting tired of her. Once I get the "she's smoothering me" convo, she toast! I feel for her too, because she says she's neve had a serious relationship and if she keeps picking men like my dad she's not giving herself a chance.

[NoIDidn't]

I do see some relevance with the age thing. I can also relate to my children always needing me to be the parent in some greater respect, its like I am an anchor for them.

 

Yes, my husband lost both of his parents within the past five years (dad just last year). I loved his parents like my own. They were such huge anchors for us. I miss their wisdom and patience. I know I can't get all of this from my dad, but would love for him to finally take some interest in me and my life and not only as a part of the story of HIS life.

 

 

Finally, as for Dad having further children (I know this is unlikely as you have said) I think it normal to re-evalute your place in the family and not want this to happen.

 

Its the curse of being the oldest child. LOL. You get tired of being replaced with the newest addition to the family. And the fact that he keeps doing it with another woman just adds confusion for me and my siblings. My brother knows that his sisters hate me, but we love and care for each other. He calls me for money and advice. They hate knowing that their evil stepfather's daughter holds any sway with their brother. And we started out as friends and felt sisterly until my dad kicked them out and sent them to their dad four states away.

 

All of this said to say, I really am not interested in re-evaluating my place in my family as it relates to my father again. I would just bow out quietly and drop my hopes in that regard, again.

[Eve]

So what do you plan to do now?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[NoIDidn't]

Eve, I don't think I have too many choices other than this vent.

 

He is his own person and doesn't really do more than talk about what he would like - and only as HE would like it.

 

I would like more. I would like an actual relationship based on mutual interest in each other, not based on playing a part to impress some outsider.

 

This is really more about him than his (for Thornton, LOL) 38-year-old girlfriend when he is nearly 60. She isn't the problem. She's just his usual distraction. He always maintains one (a distraction) to keep from having to deal with people. I hate the way he treats women. He doesn't want me objectified, but sees no problem with doing it to other women.

 

I don't see much point in sharing my feelings with him as it would drive him away again.

 

What do you think I should consider? I'm open to ideas.

[Eve]

I think that you have to value the great insight you have expressed and learn to accept that you are entirely right on this matter.

 

Being right all the time is a bitch but it has served you well. You have been right about your Dad all along for too too too many years. That is a burden that you should ideally not have carried. Really Dad has to surprise you now and this is what he needs to know. Dont entangle yourself with the stories he weaves when he speaks with you.

 

Just be straight with him. I can see where you are coming from regarding using you and now wanting to use your babies within his dating exploits.. thats pretty deep. Have you told him this?

 

Telling someone that they must surprise you is a most liberating thing to do but very scary. Chances are he wont even understand what you mean, but you will.

 

Or would it be easier to roll over and leave him to it? What are the opinions of your closest friend, partner and children on this matter?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Thornton]

Thanks for attempting again' date=' but your posts are useless.[/quote']

 

So are yours... you're a middle-aged woman who's still chasing after her daddy, wanting his attention and feeling jealous of possibly being replaced by a baby. You're an adult and your dad has a life of his own: get over it. In any case, your dad's gf has left it very late to have kids without medical intervention, plus she probably has more sense than you give her credit for and probably realises it's not the best idea to have kids with a pensioner.

[NoIDidn't]

Or would it be easier to roll over and leave him to it? What are the opinions of your closest friend, partner and children on this matter?

 

 

It would be easier to roll over and leave him to his devices but that would mean depriving him of his grandkids and me of my father. I don't like that option too much, because he's the only grandfather they have left. I don't expect our relationship to make a complete turnaround, but I do want to feel more like he's interested in his own image of himself.

 

My closest friend that has actually met my father feels that he's pretty much all I'm going to get, she doesn't expect much from him, and she's known him for over 20 years meeting him when he picked me up from school one day. My husband wants to limit exposure to his drama for my kids. And I agree. I don't want my kids to feel like I did. Its almost better that they not know him, than for them to know him while being exploited to make himself look like a family man.

 

I have to admit, I'm not sure how to take the "being right" part of your post. I don't really care to be right, I just want a better, a real, relationship with my father.

 

I've had years of dealing with my dad and his many idiosyncrasies. But I love him very much and express that love to him everytime we speak (telling him I love him and enjoyed speaking with him when we do). I just don't know how much more I can deal with when he's dating. I don't know how to tell him how I'm feeling (and my analysis) without him getting upset about it. He's an ordained minister too, so he doesn't take too well to people telling him he's not perfect.

[stillafool]

It would bother me too if my Dad was dating a woman so close to my age. I think it is only normal. It seems sick, doesn't it? From your Dad's history it doesn't seem like he will be with her for long especially if she continues to nag him. Your Dad is and always will be a "Playa". You can't change him all you can do is let a Playa play.

[aznprincess]

Your dad deserves the happiness that he wants and if he is happy why stop him? Its both their decisions to make, you as a daughter should give advice but not change his decisions. Allow him to live his own life and of you want him to spend more time with you but you feel he isnt, you make the move. You go to his house with your family, or include his woman in your agendas.