Is a weakening in interest natural in LDR?

[colosseum]

*Sigh* I'm new at this LDR thing, and I'm learning how much it kinda blows.

 

We haven't seen each other since May (I know, wimpy some of you may think, but cut me some slack I'm learning) but have been talking on the phone at least 2x a week. I'm all alone in a big city working 9-5, and she's back home working and spending time with her friends during the evenings.

 

Lately, the contact has been decreasing and my heart weakening...It's been harder to get in touch since she's always out with friends and I'm too tired when she's done (which is past midnight for both our regional times). The thought "Anything I think about is of no consequence because she's hundreds of miles away" just keeps coming up. It's as if my interest is fading, and that I don't want to do this anymore.

 

*Sigh* I just called her and she was out with friends again. I always say "fine have fun" but it's tough because neither of us wants to be imposing on each other. I guess as a consequence there is just this sense of...hopelessness? That might be too strong; just a dampening feeling, something that's been getting me down, not a lot, but enough times for me to think about it.

 

What's going on? Advice? Is this a sign of worse to come, so that I should break it off or am I just overreacting? Do I just stick it through?

 

Thanks so much, LSers...*sigh*

[Island Girl]

There are some basics that are falling by the wayside and can open the door to not only these problems but a break up.

 

Of the issues I see happening this statement is the strongest indicator:

 

---> The thought "Anything I think about is of no consequence because she's hundreds of miles away" just keeps coming up.

 

You don't share out of assumption that she doesn't care.

 

You are creating distance the same way married people who live in the same house do when they shut down.

That's how they end up divorced because they grew apart or became different people.

 

Communication is crucial in an LDR and you aren't. Whether that is a response to her lack of communication or not I don't know.

But I can tell you for sure that she senses things are different too and not in a good way.

 

You only talk 2x a week? Why is that?

Certainly there are circumstances where that is out of your control. But if you are both in the states and you have free long distance - then I just don't get that.

 

Right now you can put effort in to get on the same page through a really good long heart to heart or you can end it promptly and save yourself and her the pain of the slow death that seems to be going on now.

[colosseum]

Thanks, Island Girl. I think you're right, but a couple of questions/responses:

 

Of the issues I see happening this statement is the strongest indicator:

 

---> The thought "Anything I think about is of no consequence because she's hundreds of miles away" just keeps coming up.

 

You don't share out of assumption that she doesn't care.

 

You mean, I'm assuming that she doesn't care about what I think?

 

You are creating distance the same way married people who live in the same house do when they shut down.

 

Yeah, I guess I am creating distance, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

But I can tell you for sure that she senses things are different too and not in a good way.

 

Yeah, I definitely felt that today. Not good.

 

You only talk 2x a week? Why is that?

Certainly there are circumstances where that is out of your control. But if you are both in the states and you have free long distance - then I just don't get that.

 

Here is the problem; we're not official. We were just getting into a rhythm of dating (a good 2/3 months) when summer break happened, and we said we'll stay in touch. That's why things are so vague because I guess neither of us wants to step on each other's toes too much. But it is really frustrating, I think, for both of us. Maybe we're both getting tired of it. Still I wonder that if I try to lock things up now that it would be stupid since there is still more than a month left, and she might wonder why I just didn't do it before...or she just wouldn't want to.

 

I'm thinking way too much; story of my life.

[Island Girl]

You mean, I'm assuming that she doesn't care about what I think?

 

That is what it sounds like on this side of the screen.

 

Yeah, I guess I am creating distance, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Exactly. Instead of opening up and getting closer - more intimate with each other - you are sailing along and NOT sharing all of those little thoughts you have that make you, well, YOU.

And you aren't getting deeper with her either.

 

Normally in relationships (and especially in LDRs) there is the growing part of the relationship where contact becomes more regular and progressive. Sharing about one's internal self happens and true intimacy develops.

Those people get closer and closer moving toward a more committed exclusive relationship - or discover what they don't like and break up.

 

 

 

Here is the problem; we're not official. We were just getting into a rhythm of dating (a good 2/3 months) when summer break happened, and we said we'll stay in touch.

 

Don't you feel that there should still be a progression in the relationship?

 

It seems as though things are just at a stand still. And now they are regressing.

 

Even if you were just starting to really get in the swing of things there is usually some discussion of how the relationship is to continue.

 

If both of you are just keeping in touch but able to see other people the relationship will more than likely end.

Eventually one or both of you will meet someone local that you will focus on and what communication there is will fade even more or just stop completely.

 

The occasional phone call remaining the same as always will be no comparison to the possibility of a new relationship right there in person.

 

 

That's why things are so vague because I guess neither of us wants to step on each other's toes too much. But it is really frustrating, I think, for both of us. Maybe we're both getting tired of it.

 

Maybe she wants you to step on her toes. It sounds like you wouldn't mind a bit of toe tapping yourself.

 

If there is no discussion purely out of fear or courtesy that is a shame.

And that tells me that you aren't getting deeper with your conversations. They aren't becoming more meaningful, etc.

 

I can understand the frustration. But you have a choice about getting your real wants out on the table with each other. I'd advise you to do that and see if they match.

You won't know as long as it remains a guessing game.

And you may end up stopping the relationship without ever knowing what the other person was really thinking or truly wanted.

 

 

Still I wonder that if I try to lock things up now that it would be stupid since there is still more than a month left, and she might wonder why I just didn't do it before...or she just wouldn't want to.

 

A month of distance is all there is left? That is a blink of an eye!!

 

You can tell her why you didn't broach the subject before. That you weren't clear about what she wanted and you didn't want to "step on her toes".

 

Once you are dating there shouldn't be mixed messages and reliance on signals.

 

I see so often people saying, "What is he/she thinking?" and I am always wondering - Why don't you ask him/her?

Obviously you don't have those kinds of conversations initially but once you are regular dating partners there should be some discussion for clarity of being on the same page.

[northstar1]

*Sigh* I'm new at this LDR thing, and I'm learning how much it kinda blows.

 

We haven't seen each other since May (I know, wimpy some of you may think, but cut me some slack I'm learning) but have been talking on the phone at least 2x a week. I'm all alone in a big city working 9-5, and she's back home working and spending time with her friends during the evenings.

 

Lately, the contact has been decreasing and my heart weakening...It's been harder to get in touch since she's always out with friends and I'm too tired when she's done (which is past midnight for both our regional times). The thought "Anything I think about is of no consequence because she's hundreds of miles away" just keeps coming up. It's as if my interest is fading, and that I don't want to do this anymore.

 

*Sigh* I just called her and she was out with friends again. I always say "fine have fun" but it's tough because neither of us wants to be imposing on each other. I guess as a consequence there is just this sense of...hopelessness? That might be too strong; just a dampening feeling, something that's been getting me down, not a lot, but enough times for me to think about it.

 

What's going on? Advice? Is this a sign of worse to come, so that I should break it off or am I just overreacting? Do I just stick it through?

 

Thanks so much, LSers...*sigh*

 

As Island Girl has said, communication is key to surviving an LDR. Without it, it is easy for feelings of misunderstanding, loneliness and uncertainy to creep in.

 

And it comes down to the individual. Some people can exist in an LDR, some can't. Some need to have the person in their lives physically in order to feel a complete sense of a relationship. Others are able to exist knowing that they will be together one day.

 

It really depends if you see a future with this girl, and if you are both on the same page. Have you talked about the future? If things are 'up in the air' then it's going to be hard for it to survive the distance, particularly if you are both young and have a sense of restlessness.

 

How long is she going to be LDR for?

Why don't you talk to her and express your feelings and see how she reacts?

Because if this continues, one of you will likely lose interest and seek something closer in proximity.

[colosseum]

I see so often people saying, "What is he/she thinking?" and I am always wondering - Why don't you ask him/her?

Obviously you don't have those kinds of conversations initially but once you are regular dating partners there should be some discussion for clarity of being on the same page.

 

Yeah, maybe I'll just start being really explicit about these things now. M...thanks Island Girl.

 

It really depends if you see a future with this girl, and if you are both on the same page. Have you talked about the future? If things are 'up in the air' then it's going to be hard for it to survive the distance, particularly if you are both young and have a sense of restlessness.

 

Yeah, that's exactly us. That's why this makes it that much more difficult I guess. And we haven't really talked about the future...

 

How long is she going to be LDR for?

Why don't you talk to her and express your feelings and see how she reacts? Because if this continues, one of you will likely lose interest and seek something closer in proximity.

 

A little more than a month left. She's not very emotionally expressive so that makes it a bit harder, but I guess I'm just going to have to really ask for big conduits of communication...

 

Thanks for the help, everyone.