Am I Being Selfish and Hasty, or Is He Being Inconsiderate of My Needs?

[The Velvet Vixen]

He says, she says (where She=Me and My BF=He)

 

 

She says: You used to buy calling cards and call me a few times a week, and you'd be online eagerly awaiting my arrival nearly every day so we could chat. These days, I'm lucky if I get to chat with you online for an hour a week! You promised me that you would fly over and see me, and months have passed and you've made no plans. How can we call this a ‘relationship’ if we rarely talk and never see each other? This relationship no longer feels 'real' to me. I shouldn't feel as if I wouldn't be cheating if I dated another guy right now—yet I do! I'm not that sort of person at all, so that tells me that there is something really wrong here!

 

He says: Be patient. What's the rush? You're in school, anyway.

 

She says: So? Is it against the law to date while you're in school? Right now at this very moment, this relationship is not meeting my needs.

 

He says: What needs?

 

She says: My need to actually see and be with the person I'm having a relationship with IN PERSON, and to have him be there for me when I need him.

 

He says: Well then move here and I'll take care of you. In about a year, my mom will sign this house over to me and then you and I can live here together. I’ll wait for you until you finish school and then we'll get married.

 

She says: Well we probably wouldn't be able to move in together until 2 or 3 years from now—or never if your mother changes her mind. What about NOW? Do we just continue living our separate lives until then?

 

He says: What's the rush? You already have me so why are you so worried?

 

She says: Because I need someone right NOW. I'm not 'worried'; I'm unhappy with the current state of this relationship.

 

He says: I'm thinking long-term, not short-term.

 

She says: Well I'm thinking about both. If there's no short-term how can there be a long-term?

 

He says: Things will work out if we're patient

 

She says: If we don't spend time together NOW, we will drift apart. I've been patient for two years already. I'm out of patience

 

He says: If you want to eventually get married then I’ll wait for you.

 

She says: We won't be close anymore if we never talk or see each other at all.

 

He says: That's not true. You worry too much

 

She says: How can we be close?

 

He says: Because I'd wait for you.

 

She says: Waiting for someone doesn't make you close to them.

 

He says: No, but it doesn't mean breaking up.

 

She says: Emotional intimacy is something that you have to cultivate. It doesn't just appear out of nowhere and stay there without any work at all.

 

 

 

Am I being selfish and hasty? Is he being inconsiderate of my needs? Is he unable to understand my needs because his needs are different? If he loves me shouldn't he want to spend time with me NOW?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Maybe neither. Sounds like you want more closeness and companionship than he is willing to give. This does NOT make either of you "wrong", but it may very possibly make it not a good relationship for either of you to be in. I wouldn't bother having any discussions about "the right way" to have a relationship, becuase in the final analysis it is not really relevant, and it is easy to get sidetracked. I would just focus on what "works" for each of you. You talk about what you need and ask him what he needs. A relationship makes sense when it is seen as a net positive by both parties (i.e. better than the reasonable alternatives).

 

Here's an example of how to focus on your own needs, via a translation:

 

ORIGINAL

 

She says: We won't be close anymore if we never talk or see each other at all.

 

He says: That's not true. You worry too much

 

She says: How can we be close?

 

He says: Because I'd wait for you.

 

TRANSLATED TO FOCUS SPECIFICALLY ON YOUR OWN NEEDS

 

She says: I don't feel as close to you anymore because we so rarely talk or see each other at all.

 

He says: I didn't realize you felt that way. I feel close to you.

 

She says: I don't feel close, and I really would like to talk to you for at least 1/2 hour, three times a week, and see you at least once a month. We can alternate in who does the travelling. It will be great to share all our ideas and dreams like we used to back in -----. I'm really looking forward to it!

 

He says: Great plan! Let's do it. (Or maybe: Gosh, I don't know, it's so far to travel, I may be needing to wash my truck that weekend, my dog has a virus, my buddy needs help moving.)

 

Good luck!

[jenny]

i agree. i think the two of you have different schedules in mind. i think he feels settled in what you two have, and does not see the need for high-maintenance. i understand how you could feel neglected, but this is the wrong tactic to get what you need, IMO.

 

in all honesty, if you want to keep this fellow what you are doing now is almost guaranteed to drive him away. a better strategy would be to just re-focus on other things, and let him come to you. this is not a game if you really are moving on to other things or changing your mindset to zero in on schoolwork, a hobby, or your friends.

 

why not introduce the idea of dating other people for awhile?

[DJ-TK]

Man.... I just have too much to say I guess.... I think no one needs to rush into conclusions, meaning, you should check if he acts like that cause he is less interested in talking with you or just trying to pass time till this period of time will over and you'd meet (what is less likely since he's not to eager to visit you either....) also, NO ONE should date others for awhile ! what the hell is this ?! You are in a relationship and need to be committed to each other ! Once you date others you are not committed, you share your love and feelings with others and the basis of the relationship is ruined. Me and my girl lives 6,000 miles apart... I'm in NYC and she is in Israel... We were together for a one great year and then I went to NYC for a few years... It has been a year and a half now that we live so far... I see her ever three monthes for 2-6 weeks... The flight is 11 hours and cost like 1000 dollars... It is hard and I need to work my a#s off to get there... we talk at her night which is my afternoon and she sleeps less and her whole schedule ha changed. There 7 hours difference between Israel and NY times! Imagine how rough it is... I buy lots of calling cards which ain't very cheap since the distance, I chat with her as much as I can and it is SO DAMN HARD ! BUT, I love her and this is the only way for such a relationship to work... There were times I less felt like talking with her and that was because it was hard to hear her sweet voice and no I can see her in two monthes, and so I kinda avoid talking or chating with her, only because it was easier in a way to push out my feeling and just let time pass by....

 

What I'm trying to say is that this kind of a relationship requires a lot of work ! Closeness would disapear if you won't talk or see each other, a relationship is always something you need to work on... The thing is, love makes you wanna work on it and try the best you can so you could talk and evantually, make this whole huge effort worthy...

 

If you two have different needs this is a problem. He can try harder and it is ok, to the point it's too much for him. If he would try ONLY because you asked and not cause he wants to, you maybe better off without him...

You shouldn't suffer, shouldn't feel he doesn't care, and shouldn't work on this relationship alone. Hope it'll be OK....

 

Good Luck....

[nolagirl]

I know I'm responding late to your post... but I'm going through the exact same problem... with the added bonus that my boyfriend has been in a "bad mood" for two weeks. We used to have a pretty healthy LDR.. lots of love letters and tender conversation... hours spent laughing endlessly on the phone. Now it just seems that whenever we actually get a chance to speak he's utterly disinterested, rude and bored. He always apologizes and tells me he loves me and that he's sorry for being an ass... but the next day it's the same thing again.

I cannot travel due to personal constraints (I have a young child)... so he's the one who has to make visits.. at first I thought his refusal to let me pay for 1/2 of the tickets was gallant and sweet... until now. Because he can't afford the tickets himself and at the rate we're going we'll never see each other again.

I can't help but feel that LDRs really require a strong commitment to working the relationship... which I've had up until now. He always was so reassuring and faithful and he's turned completely cold lately. I'm on the brink of ending it.. honestly... but of course I do adore him and I would like to make it work. If you ever want to talk, [removed personal info.] I'd love to lend an ear and talk about this stuff. I know you're having a hard time too..

[DJ-TK]

Didn't you asked him what's going on or something ? Where's this coming from the he turned like that all of a sudden ?

[Stangel311]

I am in a long distance relationship also. LOL it sucks. We spent a week together in October and it was wonderful but it just has made me realize what I am missing when we arent together.

 

I think your boyfriend is pretending ignorance when he acts like he doesnt understand what you are needing. He knows exactly what you are saying. For some reason, he isnt ready to make take the steps needed for you to be happier. There could be several reasons for this, some simple and some not so simple. I dont want to be the bad guy here but I am going to say it anyway (and this from personal experience). Maybe he is hiding something??? Maybe you dont know him as well as you think???

 

I do hope it all works out for you.

[DJ-TK]

I thought so too... You shouldn't deny the possibility he is hiding something from you... It just all seems to weird.. That he acts like that outta nowhere....

[The Velvet Vixen]

Thank you for your responses. At the time he and I had that conversation and I posted this thread, I was in a Mood (the Velvet Blues) that made it seem as if the world was coming to an end. At that point, everything, this situation included, took on a sudden urgency. I wasn't thinking straight, just panicking, and didn't handle things well at all. He knows how I get sometimes, so he was just being calm and patient and waiting for me to come around to my usual rational self.

 

 

My BF and I had a long talk and I discovered that yes, he was indeed hiding something from me. I live in one of America's big cities and the hotels over here are very expensive. MY BF was embarrassed to tell me that he simply couldn't afford to come. In his city, hotels of similar quality are much cheaper than those over here. He offered to pay to fly me over there and for me to stay in a hotel (he works, but I'm a broke, jobless college student...besides, I paid to fly over there to see him the last time we met up) in December after Christmas. Also, I think he has a very hard time getting together and then parting again, because when I had to leave him the last time, he cried. When we had this discussion, he admitted that he finds it very heartbreaking to be torn away from me over and over again. Hopefully this won't be too much of a problem now that I know the problem and we're going to find ways to get me to his city as much as possible.

 

 

I think Jenny was right about him feeling "settled in" to what he and I have and thos not seeing the need for "high-maintenance." Once I focused on my own needs, he was finally able to realize that his absence was hurting me and driving me away from him. He felt really bad about upsetting me and now he spends every free moment talking to me on the phone or online. I can tell that he's really looking forward to spending time with me in person again.

 

 

why not introduce the idea of dating other people for awhile?

I would never suggest that he and I date other people, and he'd never go for that, either. Deep down, I don't want another guy anymore than he wants another woman. Neither of us would be able to abide the other one dating other people. I could never accept some woman having her hands and lips and whatever else all over MY BF. If he slept with another woman, I have a strong feeling I wouldn't take him back, or if I did, things would never be the same again.

 

 

Maybe he is hiding something???

He doesn't have a secret wife or lover stashed somewhere, if that's what you're wondering. In his entire lifetime he's had the same amount of sex as I have had (absolutely none).

 

 

Thanx for all the well wishes. I just hope my BF doesn't see this thread as he's come to this board (and posted) once before....