Should I Leave Or Should I Stay?

[heartbroke]

I have been married for 5 years and have two children from previous relationships and 1 child together. He does not get along with my daughter and she basically hates him. My son has bi-polar and my husband has a hard time dealing with that. I have to do all the cleaning, cooking, go to work, manage all the doctor / dentist appointments and sports and so on. He just works. I managed to finish my degree this year. He can be loving and supportive but he is so mean. He says things to me like "you are nobody" and the B work and so on. He is always fussing about the way I clean and what I do with my time and money. Although we have separate checking accounts and the bills are divided and he makes more than me but I still have to foot all the payments on the children regarding doctors and school activities and sports and clothes and christmas / birthdays and all. He doesn't understand why I hate to be home. I am so unhappy. I have tried to leave but then he gets nice again and things seem to be better. I just don't know what to do. The kids are unhappy and so am I. I just have a fear of seeing him with someone else and remembering the good side of him and how he can be. What should I do. He plans my weekends for me and tells me what needs to be done with the house and when I am working on it, he is watching tv and I feel the load is on me all the time. Any suggestions. There has been physical violence in the past but that has stopped. Now is is just verbal and emotional. We have tried to seperate but it did not work it just seemed easier to take him back than to argue with him all the time. He was calling my cell phone 40 to 50 times a day and I would go out with my g-friends and some nights we would get home around 2 in the morning and he would be on the porch or asleep in his truck. He would leave letters and it was never ending!!!! Please someone help me figure this out. Thanks for reading.

[befuddled1]

Abuse doesn't JUST have to be physical.

 

From what you write, he is controlling, domineering, disrespectful, unfair, manipulative, insensitive and overall: ABUSIVE. What does he even contribute to the marriage or your family? It sounds like you're the one running the home and keeping everything together. He sounds like a self-absorbed f*ckhead.

 

You need to find the nearest Domestic Abuse Center in your area, and talk with one of the volunteers/counsellors there........because you need to come to a better understanding of how you're being abused....how your children are witnessing this abuse (and may go on to repeat this kind of behavior).....and how you can repair the very low self esteem you have (you probably don't even realize how low it is) and get out of this mess, with confidence and courage.

 

Talking with someone at a Domestic Abuse Center or Battered Women's Shelter is free and confidential..you can either speak to them on the phone, don't even have to give your real name, or you can make arrangements to meet with them in person (the volunteers/counsellors are always women......who themselves were victims of this kind of abuse, so they know where you're head and heart are at). You probably don't even realize the extent of the abuse you and your children are enduring.

 

Call up your local hospital or clinic, and ask if they can refer you to the # ..........if you live in a small town, you might not have one, but there will be one in the neighboring nearest city.

 

I was married to a man like this........I have been in your shoes. Many reading your post can relate.

 

You are not alone.

 

Congratulations on getting your degree.........to have accomplished that, while raising a family and holding down a job and doing all that he makes you do, you are obviously a very strong, determined, remarkable, intelligent woman........you should be proud of yourself, despite what he says. He is likely jealous of you, and intimidated because you are such a remarkable, intelligent person.

 

For the sake of yourself, and your children, you need to get informed and get strong....so that you can leave him, or kick him out...for good. Abusive men are notorious for "sucking up" when they feel their partner has "had enough".....and they can turn on the charm at the drop of a hat, to f*ck with your head and heart and change your mind about getting out. It's all a game to them. They will never ever change without years of extensive therapy...which must first begin with them ACKNOWLEDGING that they are an abuser.............and most can't admit this.

 

Your children deserve better than this kind of loser as a role model. If you have daughter's his MISbehavior is going to send them a message that it's "okay" for men to treat women like sh*t....and if they are sons, they will get the message that it's "okay" to mistreat and abuse women. It's a known fact that children grow up to emulate what they grew up witnessing, and being a part of.

 

Keep posting, many of us can relate to your situation and our hearts go out to you. You are NOT alone, though you may feel like it. Do you have any support systems? Close friends or family who you can confide in about this? I know it's often hard to "tell" this stuff to, for fear of being seen as stupid or weak..........but you're neither.

 

You are a victim of ongoing abuse and disrespect. Get in touch with your local Crisis Line or Domestic Abuse Shelter/Center TODAY........and get yourself on the road to healing, and making some steps to get out of this bad situation.

[heartbroke]

to: befuddled1

 

Thank you for your response. I am just so scared to go through a divorce. I am not sure I can make it without him. I make good money and all but just the fear. No, I do not have anyone I can talk to or turn to. I do not talk to my family because of him and I just don't know anymore. He has ran all my friends off to the point I don't even know how to make friends anymore. Don't really see the point.

[befuddled1]

He's true to form. Abusive men love to make their partners feel "isolated"........they'll do what they can to run off friends, family, any type of support system that their wife/girlfriend has. It's their way of trying to make the woman feel emotionally dependent on them. It's all part of the game. My ex husband did that, too. He would either be such an obnoxious, disgusting, disrespectful PIG around my girlfriends (who never wanted to be anywhere near him again, therefore they wouldn't come by our home)..or he would boldly flirt and hit on them, making them and MYSELF uncomfortable. He didn't like me talking to my family, and would sometimes even hang the phone up while I was talking to my mom or sister. Sometimes I would have no choice but to leave the house and go to a payphone or in the cold winter, I'd pay to use a hotel room for a couple of hours, so I'd have a warm place to talk on the phone to my family. He wanted me to be completely alienated and isolated.........

 

You do not want to divorce him because you're not at the place yet (but you will get there, if you want to) where you realize the extent of his abuse toward you...how he's manipulating you, mistreating you, using you, taking advantage of you, betraying you. You need to speak with someone at the domestic abuse center, like I've mentioned....because it's critical that you speak with someone who's been in your shoes.....who can totally and completely relate to how mixed up you're feeling...how you don't see how you could leave him. This is your starting point......on the slow journey to realizing your self worth and recovering your self esteem. You are probably so low and beat down emotionally that you don't YET have a clue how brainwashed and emotionally battered you are.

 

Men like him are subtle and they have an uncanny way of twisting things around to make it like everything is YOUR Fault....and you do nothing right......and you constantly must prove yourself to them.

 

If nothing else, go to your local bookstore......and find some books on dealing domestic abuse.

 

There's one I recommend, it's called, "The Emotionally Abuse Woman" (Overcoming destructive patterns and reclaiming yourself)...and it's written by: Beverly Engel (a doctor). It's a very fascinating, easy-to-relate-to book.......not a lot of psycho babble or mumbo jumbo.......

 

Let me outline what's in it:

 

Chapter 1

The Emotionally Abused Woman

-Why emotional abuse is so insidious

-Women as victims

-Are you being emotionally abused?

-Who are the emotional abusers?

-Taking steps toward recovery

 

Chapter 2

Types of Emotionally Abused Women

-The "Selfless" Woman

-The Pleaser

-The Sinner

-The Codependent

-The Drama Junkie

-The Victim or Martyr

 

Chapter 3

The Many Faces of the Emotional Abuser

-True to Type: Specific M.O.'s of Emotional Abusers

-Some unhealthy matches

 

Chapter 4

-Why are you attracted to emotional abusers?

-Why do you choose abusers?

-Discovering your Original abusers

-Patterns of abuse

 

Chapter 5

Completing Your Unfinished Business

-Discovering your unfinished business

-reclaiming your emotions

-releasing your anger and confronting your original abuser

-resolving your relationship with your original abuser

 

Chapter 6

SHould you stay, or Should you Leave?

-When is it best to leave?

-Taking a stance

-What if you can't decide?

-What do I need to do before I'm ready to leave?

-What will he do if I decide to leave?

 

Chapter 7

If you decide to stay

-Staying in an abusive love relationship

-When you don't want to quit your job

-learning to take care of yourself

-learning how to handle abusive people

 

Chapter 8

Taking Time For Yourself

-Looking for love in all the wrong places

-Your journey toward self-discovery

-Getting to know yourself

-Learning to be responsible for yourself

 

Chapter 9

Raising your Self-Esteem

-sifting through parental messages

-what can you do to begin raising your self-esteem?

 

Chapter 10

Changing your pattern and breaking the cycle of abuse

-How to change your relationship pattern

-Breaking the cycle: How to avoid being an abusive parent

 

Chapter 11

Continuing to Change

-Specific advice for each type of Emotionally Abused woman

-Getting used to healthy relationships

 

 

I think you really need to get this book. You could even order it online, like through Amazon.com, I'm sure.

[wiseOLDman]

Please Heartbroke, if it's truly as bad as you "say" it is, it's time for you to leave before you become a statistic. If not for yourself, then for your children. You write that he has chased all of your friends off. Reestablish contact with a few of them. Let them know what the situation is and ask for their help and support. The important thing is to get out NOW. When your head clears, you can plan your next steps.