damaged4eva Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 I don't know if this problem belongs here or even if anyone can help me out. But, I'm a 23 year old woman who got out of an LTR 11 months ago. While I was with my bf of three years, he gave me genital herpes. He has never had any symptoms, so neither of us knew that he had this until I started showing signs of it. Now I have broken up with him and re-entered the dating scene. I have dated a few guys, and all of them are very interested in me in the beginning. Spending time with me and taking me out and being very sweet. But when we get close to the point of becoming intimate and I have to tell them that I have herpes, suddenly they're "not sure if I want to have a girlfriend right now". They'll still talk to me and even show an interest in wanting to be intimate (and I have been intimate with one), but they stop taking me out and stop acting as interested as they were before. I feel like I'm damaged, like no one will ever want me or love me again. Like they think that because I have this, that I must be promiscuous; when that really isn't the case. It hurts me to have to tell this to men that I'm interested in; to have to see the look on their faces and to have to sit through the silence afterward. And to know that I'm going to have to tell this to every man that I ever hope to have a relationship with and re-live the look and silence all over again. I know that there's nothing I can really do. But lately I've been wondering if I should just give up and stop dating so that I won't have to go through the heartbreak of knowing that they won't feel the same about me after I tell them. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 There's a wonderful website, with several related message boards, for those who have been "given the gift"...... click on this address to go there.....you'll find a lot of support and understanding from the folks who post there.......so many of them feeling exactly as you do: http://www.racoon.com/herpes/ When you get to this page, click on the link "Support and Information Forums"......... you will find that you are definitely NOT alone, and that "H" really isn't the end of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Daveysgurl Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 Hey there I just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't worry about this. I myself have herpes, and I feel as though Im "Toxic Woman" However I found a guy that is very understanding (they are out there) and we take the proper precautions to minimize the chances. I know between the outbreaks reminding you that you have it, and the having to fess up during akward times it seems difficult. But if you find a man who cares about you enough you can go to a clinic and discuss the precautions you need to take, it makes it much easier. If you don't feel comfortable doing that then you should pick a better time to discuss it with him. perhaps when they're thinking with the right head. Im sure you'll get a much better response that would make you feel better about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 Maybe you shouldn't wait until you get so close to intimacy with them to let them know about it. I'm not saying you have to broadcast it up front, but you can certainly find out how they would feel dating a woman with an STD on the first date, by asking: what kind of women do you know for sure you don't want to date? And tactfully ask them: would you date a woman with a non-life threatening STD? And from there based on their answer, you know whether to proceed with the relationship further or not. And don't feel so bad and feel like you're damaged. A person that's truly educated will be understanding and know what to do with you. You'd be surprised how many people are going around having sex and are not educated about nothing! Link to post Share on other sites
damaged4eva Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 I've done the research and talked to my doctor and I have prescription meds for my breakouts (because I don't have them that often). I tell the guys that I have this when things start to look like they will become intimate, so it's not like I'm waiting until we're naked to say something. We usually go to a neutral place (like taking a walk or sitting in my living room, so they can leave if they feel uncomfortable) and converse for a little while before I bring it up. Then I calmly tell them that I have this, that's it's not life threatening, and that's it's more of an annoyance that shows up every now and again than this evil, dirty thing that people make it out to be. I explain to them the risks and the precautions and ask if they have any questions, but to no avail. All they can do is sit dumbfounded and say "I don't know what to say. I've never been in this situation." And then comes the part about not knowing if they want to have a girlfriend right now. That part hurts. But I think the part that hurts the most is that they stop treating me like they're interested in me as a potential girlfriend and start treating me like a sex object. I know I had a part to play in contracting this, because it takes two. But I got this from someone who I had been with for a over year already (and we used protection for the entire first year we were together) and who had no symptoms at all. It's like the guys automatically associate herpes with promiscuity and think that because I have this, they can treat me like a booty call or something. I'm just not that kind of woman and it makes me mad that they treat me like that, but at the same time, it hurts because it brings up the feelings of being unwanted and unloved and damaged. I just don't want to be hurt anymore, but I can't tell how they're going to treat me afterward until I tell them. Link to post Share on other sites
vintim53 Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 You mentioned that they "stop treating me as a potential girlfriend and start treating me as a sex object".. Stop and think about what you just said. If that is the case, then they are either ignorant, un-informed or prejudiced..and it that is the case, be glad because they are not the right kind of people for you right? My girlfriend has herpes.. she told me after we had dated for a couple of months..I admit, I had to think it over, it took me about 2 minutes, and I told her "Okay, then if we become intimate, we just have to take precautions." Gee, what a tough decision for people to make. This isn't a life threatening disease, it is somewhat easy to prevent.. Don't feel like you have a scarlet "A" on your forehead. It aint no big thing! Link to post Share on other sites
BadMan Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 Start dating slightly older men. I think the problem is your men are to imature. Your are only 23. Most 23 year old men are haven't reached the level of maturity to understand things like herpes. ALl they know is it's "bad". They don't realize it can happen to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
damaged4eva Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 the men i'm dating are older (the 25-28 year old range) but they all seem to treat me the same. i don't know if it's something i'm doing to cause them to treat me this way or if all guys are going to be like this toward me. Link to post Share on other sites
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