JaydaLeah Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Well, here's the thing. I realised i have been avoiding this innate want to feel affirmed and secure with an engagement. For the past 9 mths in this LDR, when ppl talk abt marriage, i always tell myself that I do not wish to think abt marriage with my bf coz... it is still another 1.5yrs till he is back and anything could happen. I was scared to be CONVINCED that we have a future, for the fear of a heartbreak like before if it doesnt happen. He is back in two days time for a mth (YAY!!) and i happen to have this big family gathering next wkend. I suddenly realised that my bf will be here and should i bring him along? To me bringing my other half to family gatherings means he is THE ONE. But with the distance and no solid commitment... its bothering me. Should i tell him how im feeling? coz really right now the next step of our relationship is an engagement. Its a big thing i know. I dont wish to pressurise him either. I know he wants to marry me coz I have met his family and he has been saying things about our future. But without a solid commitment, i feel words are just... words. Will i appear like im pressurising him to commit? But i hate to feel this sense of uncertainty.. esp when im in my prime (im 25) and if this is not gonna get anywhere, i dont wish to waste time. Is it wise to bring it up when he is back? We have been dating for over a yr.. =) Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Are you sure you don't just want a shiny ring and the satisfaction of telling people you're engaged? Because engagement doesn't offer you any additional security at all. My ex-fiance walked out on me because really engagement isn't any kind of legal commitment nowadays, it's just a ring and an informal promise which can be broken on a whim without notice. If you start to pressure him about marriage he will likely back off, which is understandable if he's mid-20s like you and isn't ready for commitment yet. He's unlikely to propose if he's going to be away for another 18 months... as you said, anything could happen in that time... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 You say you believe he wants to marry you because you have met his family. You didn't feel the need to have some kind of formal agreement when you met THEM. Now because you have a big family event happening where he can meet everyone it is suddenly dawning on you that you don't want him to be there or meet anyone unless you can introduce him as your fiance?? First - going to a family gathering is no reason to push an engagement. Second - this is more about your pride than anything else. It is clear as day. Third - you will put an unnecessary strain on your relationship if you pursued this. And your relationship should be your priority -- HE is who you talk to everyday and want to spend the rest of your life with. These people are around every once in a while for a special occasion. Why would you give a crap what they think?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaydaLeah Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 to thornton: I don’t really want a ring. I don’t mind the diamond though. =) Ok, seriously, im ok if he is not ready for engagement. At least I know it is not the right time to bring him to family gatherings. And I will know how to position my expectations. I guess I need him to know my dilemma on this next step of “meeting the family”. If he is ready to (which means, he is willing and ready to tell ppl “hey, this is the girl is gonna be my wife!”), then I will find it more assured in letting him meet my family. If not, I will rather he be honest that he is not and I can protect my interest. I know, love is all about risk. But love is about ensuring each other is assured and protected too. Im not asking him to assure me that he wants to marry me. I want him to be clear with what he wants and plans to do so that I can stop feeling insecure about what is, or what’s not. If he says he is willing to marry me, but not ready for an engagement, then im fine too. This means I will probably not bring him to meet my family and he has to understand. Shrugs! I just want to iron things out so that there is no miscommunication or misunderstanding in expectations… do I make sense? To island girl: Well, if he request for some kind of formal agreement to meet his family, i will gladly provide coz i understand if he feels insecure too. Anyway, i met his parents, but not anyone else. He meet my parents too. Just that this time round, it is the entire suit of family with aunts, uncles and what-nots. I agree, its more of for my own interest. Its true i do not wish to feel like we will be forever when forever is never really sure. And with this, i would like to talk it out with him and understand his thoughts too. If he feels he dun need any commitment from me at this pt, then ok, at least i got his stand and we can compromise on it. Im not making this a engage-or-we-are-off thing. Coz im willing to accept not-ready as an answer. Do i make sense too?? =S... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Ok, seriously, im ok if he is not ready for engagement. At least I know it is not the right time to bring him to family gatherings. Why not?? He introduced you to his family. And I will know how to position my expectations. I guess I need him to know my dilemma on this next step of “meeting the family”. If he is ready to (which means, he is willing and ready to tell ppl “hey, this is the girl is gonna be my wife!”), then I will find it more assured in letting him meet my family. If not, I will rather he be honest that he is not and I can protect my interest. Usually introductions go on BEFORE the agreement that the two of you are going to marry. Why is it that you think he shouldn't meet anyone until he is going to say "this is going to be my wife"??? I know, love is all about risk. But love is about ensuring each other is assured and protected too. Im not asking him to assure me that he wants to marry me. I want him to be clear with what he wants and plans to do so that I can stop feeling insecure about what is, or what’s not. If he says he is willing to marry me, but not ready for an engagement, then im fine too. This means I will probably not bring him to meet my family and he has to understand. Shrugs! I just want to iron things out so that there is no miscommunication or misunderstanding in expectations… do I make sense? No it doesn't make any sense. :confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaydaLeah Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 To island girl: seems that while you were typing, i was typing too! Well, if he request for some kind of formal agreement to meet his family, i will gladly provide coz i understand if he feels insecure too. Anyway, i met his parents, but not anyone else. He meet my parents before too. Just that this time round, it is the entire suit of family with aunts, uncles and what-nots. I agree, its more of for my own interest. Its true i do not wish to feel like we will be forever when forever is never really sure. And with this, i would like to talk it out with him and understand his thoughts too. If he feels he dun need any commitment from me at this pt, then ok, at least i got his stand and we can compromise on it. Im not making this a engage-or-we-are-off thing. Coz im willing to accept not-ready as an answer. Do i make sense too?? =S... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I see you are clearly steadfastly holding on to the thought that meeting aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. holds a specific meaning. Perhaps this is a cultural thing? Because honestly if my man happened to be coming here for a month and a reunion type thing was going on at the same time -- he'd be there I can guarantee it. 1. I'd want to show my miraculous man off. 2. I'd want to go and it'd be no fun if he was somewhere else instead of with me. 3. We so rarely get to spend time together I'd take advantage of every single second. 4. I'd also selfishly want to see him interact and mingle with all of them. I can't imagine having this kind of a conversation - about commitment, etc. just because of a family get together. I suppose the two of you expressing your thoughts about it can be one of those things that just brings you closer. But with 18 months remaining LD and so much pressure already there from THAT (as we all know) I just wouldn't want to add anything else unnecessarily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaydaLeah Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Sigh.. well, i hope to make it a casual chat.. I sometimes wonder does he need an assurance from me too? There were times when he commented eg "my cousin asked about you.. and he gave an advice - get married! haha". And i would reply "oh? who said anything abt marrying u?? haha.." and it ends off with a laugh. I don't wish to go too much into "we are surely gettin married" mode so i tend to brush it off sometimes. So i guess such scenario tends to end up not having concrete stand of whether do we want or not, to be together for gd in future. Ok, maybe i should just ask him whether he is interested in coming to my big family gathering? If he says yes... then i will and at the same time i will tell him what this means to me and if he is ready to understand what the significance of this "step" im taking? Yea in my family culture, we don't usually bring gf/bf unless they are engaged.. at least this was how it has been for my cousins and all.. so it has unknowing became the "standard for bringing a partner" to such big gatherings. With such expectations, naturally i do feel stress. I could dont-give-a-damn, but i cannot ignore the reality that this action will evoke responses from my family members as well. Sigh!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bearandsue Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Why are you putting so much significance on what your family think? Would you be asking him for a ring if you weren't going to this family gathering? I think you will be pushing him away if you do this. Wait until he is ready to ask. Don't you think it would feel better knowing he proposed of his own free will than if you pressured him to do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 to thornton: Ok, seriously, im ok if he is not ready for engagement. At least I know it is not the right time to bring him to family gatherings. I agree with Island Girl: why not? I could name about 8 or 9 ex-bfs who met various members of my family at one point or another, and at least 2 of them attended big family gatherings or parties with me. I'd be proud to take my bf to meet my family and show him off! It's kind of rude to invite him to your family gathering and then place conditions on it after he's already accepted the invitation. It would be better to tell him that you see family gatherings as a commitment, and therefore you're not inviting him as you two haven't made a commitment yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Jayda, what's your nationality/race? It's a cultural thing for me. Wouldn't introduce a guy to my parents until that stage, if possible. Then again that's probably cause they'd give him hell and then more, so I try to protect him from that. Link to post Share on other sites
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