mymistake Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Hi thanks for reading, ok ive been with this guy for 6 and a half years i have always loved him but never been in love i just felt like best friends but i was happy with that, we got pregnant 5months into our relationship and stayed together...then i few years later i begged for us to have another baby and he always said no and was never positive about anything. Anyway he eventually agreed and we had another baby, after this baby was born he got a vasectomy and i felt ok with having no more children and i had had two c-sections and didnt fancy a third. Anyway a few months ago i met this guy at work and had an instant attraction, we started by saying hi, then would see each other out accidently so would get talking, eventually we kissed and i was in love and him too... I hated myself for thinking about him, as my partner was a great friend to me, but lover wise and father wise 100% grumpy.And would bring the house down.Anyway i went on holiday with friends just some girl time and when i came back i ended things with my partner i tried to come back and carry on as normal and we had sex 25th june, but 26th june i went out on a night out and met the guy i had been seeing and we ended up in bed together... It was the best night of my life and his literally made love for hours, we had an accident the condom broke so in the morning i took levonelle the morning after pill and thought no more about it, i broke up with my partner that weekend too and hes no been moved out two weeks and i havent done anything with the guy ive been seeing as decided i needed to make sure the kdis were ok in a routine and sorted and that i was clear headed and not diving into anything as it gets messy... BUT here i am pregnant! i cant believe it, i took pre cautions and i believe its the guy ive been seeings baby, but levonelle says if already pg then wont work so in those few hrs before taking it did we fertilise and egg and it implant or was it my ex on the 25th whos had a vasectomy. My instant reaction was termination, but i just dont know if i can go through with it, im booked in twice to take this pill but can i really do this? but to come clean would be so awful as my ex aleady tried to commit suicide before oh its such a mess and i know its all my own doing but cant help feeling things happen for a reason, the guy ive been seeing is in a long term relationship too and agrees on termination.... Hes been quite supportive and really kind and loving still when couldve run away, and my ex is saying "youre so perfect i want you back" which makes me feel like the worse person in the world..im so stuck anyone else been thru this? and what was your outcome, any help appreciated, please dont be mean to me though i just cant face it and need a hug if honest i cant tell anyone this, parents i never speak to or see and have no close friends. Thanks again for reading xxx Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 There is a chance that it could be your exes- vasectomies aren't 100% effective. Messy situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mymistake Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 thanks for your message, i wish it was his, would be easier.i think after 3 years of unprotected sex with him though that i probably would've been pg sooner? def a messy situation, i dont recognise myself inside. on the outside im superwoman getting on with life, happy home happy kids and everyone proud of me and on good terms with ex on the inside im on the floor in tears screaming out for someone to hold me and make it all better and wondering how i got into this situation what made me become that person, i dont know but will keep up the front and try and be brave. xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Here's a hug for you (((MyMistake))) What a mess you find yourself in! As you say, you appear to have it all together on the outside, and yet on the inside you are in total confusion. On the one hand you are wondering if this life is 'meant to be' as you have taken two different birth controls and yet this pregnancy still occurred... On the other hand you are wondering if you go ahead with having this baby, that your old partner may fall apart from the news of your having had an affair and had a baby with someone else. I do think that if you land up with your old partner, you will have to tell him the truth about the affair, and the baby. I am even wondering if your relationship with your old partner didn't fall apart BECAUSE of the secret affair -- you may not think so, but it is almost impossible not to have ANY fall-out when there are lies and betrayal. However, perhaps you went looking for an affair because your needs were not met with your ex, and you were looking for a way out. Still, you need to separate the issues at hand, Mymistake -- you need to determine: 1) If you want to continue with your ex -- you mention he is grumpy as a lover and a father and 'brings the house down'. Does he fly into rages? You mention you always loved him but didn't feel 'in love' with him. Are you able to work into falling in love with him, or settling for a lifetime partnership with him based only on loving him and accepting him as he is? Or is it possible you may want to give him a chance to change, once you tell him about the affair, the baby, and your feelings? There are many issues around you and your ex's relationship. That is most likely the reason why you turned into the proverbial ostrich with it's head in the sand, you didn't feel like you could deal with sorting out the problems in your R, so you ran off and had an affair. That way, you didn't have to deal with your problems. But, the problems didn't go away! They got compounded by having an affair. Now, you still have the original problems and you have other issues to sort out too. 2) Do you actually want the other man? Or do you recognize that he was a temporary partner? You have already stayed with your ex after you got pregnant, so would you be inclined to go to this other man, if you keep the baby and it is his? 3) Do you want another baby? Or do you really not? Or is your reasoning not to have this baby only to spare your ex's feelings? That is not a good enough reason to abort -- your ex's feelings -- whether you stay with him in the future or not. You have to look at each issue on it's own merit, then take a step back and see the bigger picture. And I am sure that your doctor would be better able to guess whose baby it is likely to be, rather than us here on the LS board! It's likely that you don't 'recognize yourself on the inside anymore' because you acted out of character for you. This makes you feel at odds with yourself. The way to begin to make this situation better, is to start to deal with the problems one by one, and not to run from them, or ignore them. Psychologists say that having an affair is running from intimacy... it's like you simply couldn't deal with your ex, so you took a time out in Fantasy Affair Land. There is another thread here on OM/OW by "Destie" called "Pregnant by MM" where she had an affair & got pregnant, told her MM that she was going to have an abortion, but then decided to keep the baby and MM cut off all ties to her. You may want to read it. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Hi...sorry to hear about your situation. When did your partner get his vasectomy? I ask because it usually takes months for the semen to be free of sperm after the vasectomy. His doctor must have advised him to use a different kind of birth control until his semen was tested and it came out with a zero sperm count, otherwise YOU could still get pregnant. In a vasectomy, the 'passage" of the sperm from the testicles is blocked off....and the left over sperm is either ejaculated or re-absorbed. This info really is not going to give you peace of mind as there is no way of knowing who fathered your child until a DNA test is performed. However, if your partner did not have his semen tested for the presence or absence of sperm, then there is a huge possibility that he is the father or if you took Levonelle less than 12 hours after contact than I am more inclined to believe that the baby is your partner's because it really does take more than 12 hours or even 72 hours for the egg of meet the sperm and get fertilized and even if they do meet, Levonelle will prevent it from attaching to the womb lining. Another thing, why is termination not an option? You had 2 c-sections already-of course a third one is not unlikely-more things to worry about, scar tissues in the area, etc. I am not asking about termination as if it is routine. It carries with it a lot of moral dilemma and you have to reconcile yourself with that. However, time is not on your side. If you decide to keep the baby, you have to tell your soon-to-be-ex-partner and your current lover about the possibilities and that's that. Focus on your pregnancy and leave the paternal determination when the baby is born. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 My instant reaction was termination, but i just dont know if i can go through with it, im booked in twice to take this pill but can i really do this? but to come clean would be so awful as my ex aleady tried to commit suicide before oh its such a mess and i know its all my own doing but cant help feeling things happen for a reason, the guy ive been seeing is in a long term relationship too and agrees on termination....So, this other guy already has a long term girlfriend and does not want to be a father to your baby. And your ex is unstable. Why wouldn't you terminate under the circumstances? Do you want another child? Or are you hoping that by having this baby, you'd keep this other guy in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
lovekillsslowly Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Hi My Mistake, Wow. I feel for ya! Hang in there! Please know that everything that I have written below is only my opinion...I'm not saying this is how everyone should feel....it's just how I feel about the situation.... I hope that something I say helps you even if only in a small way.... The name you've given yourself says it all - "my mistake" - and yes it is your mistake. We all make decisions in our lives that we know have consequences that could possibly happen and if those consequences do happen then we have nobody to blame but ourselves and we must deal with it in a way that is best for ourselves and our life. Yes it takes two to screw and two to make a baby but in the end when a woman ends up pregnant it's her life that is affected physically, mentally and emotionally for the next 18 + years. I believe that everything happens for a reason. For whatever reason you got pregnant when you took all the pre-cautions to prevent it. So the way I see it is that for whatever reason this pregnancy was meant to happen and this baby was meant for you. I think that you should take care of you, your current children and your unborn baby and quit putting all your time and energy into worrying about everyone else. You're the one that's pregnant. You're the one whose life is going to never be the same again. Your the one who needs to keep your wits about you for the sake of your current children and for the next 18 years while you raise your unborn child. I hope you know that nobody can make somebody commit suicide. That is their choice. And for your past boyfriend to of done that in the past shows that he really needs help and needs to gain some stability in his own life. Obviously the boyfriend you have had for the past few years wasn't fullfilling a need you had or you wouldn't of looked elsewhere. The man you got invovled with already is invovled in a long term relationship and must not want to ruin that if he is pushing for termination. So be strong...forgive yourself for having a weak moment and just accept that this is the result. Remember "we create our own happiness". It's not going to come knocking on your door and say "let me in!" You need to make the best of this situation and move forward by yourself as an independant woman who isn't going to cause more misery in your life and your kids lives by "settling" for someone you no longer desire or "disrupting" the other man's life who wants to stay in a his current relationship and wants you to terminate the pregnancy. Someday you will meet Mr. Right. And he will be everything you dreamed of...he won't be invovled with someone else....he will love you and only you....want you and only you....and will love your children as if they were his own. Hugs and stay strong! You can do this!!! There will be better days ahead! Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 So, this other guy already has a long term girlfriend and does not want to be a father to your baby. And your ex is unstable. Why wouldn't you terminate under the circumstances? Do you want another child? Or are you hoping that by having this baby, you'd keep this other guy in your life? Abortion is not the answer. I can understand abortion under extreme circumstances like rape or a genetic disorder, but not because.....oh crap I cheated and now Im pregnant. Lying and cheating got her in this and it won't get her out. Now of days people use abortion as a form of birth control and that is wrong. To the OP, if you have the baby you will have to own up to your downfalls. That is not necessarily a bad thing. You did a lot of wrong and horrible things. You forced a guy to have a second child with you even though you knew you didn't love him. Now you messed that up by hooking up with another man. At first, life will be hard but eventually it will get better. If you abort this baby you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. 30 years from now you will have to wonder what could have been. A abortion is a quick fix, nothing more. It won't heal the problem, it will just prolong the situation. You don't have to end up with either guy, just be honest. At first everything will get nasty but in the long run, you will walk away a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 your user name shows that you understand this was your fault. Don't make another mistake by acting too quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 this is why I'm glad my boys don't swim any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 There is a chance that it could be your exes- vasectomies aren't 100% effective. true, but the chances of her winning the state lottery are better. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 true, but the chances of her winning the state lottery are better. Wrong...until the semen is tested and it comes out ZERO presence of sperm, there is a chance of pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Wow.. if I were you I would definitely get an abortion.. if you're OK with this.. but I'm not you.. and the decision is yours and yours ONLY. This guy will certainly NOT support you and your ex might NOT be the father.. so do you want to live in this mess. Think about the future of ALL involved.. (including this baby).. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Wow.. if I were you I would definitely get an abortion.. if you're OK with this.. but I'm not you.. and the decision is yours and yours ONLY. This guy will certainly NOT support you and your ex might NOT be the father.. so do you want to live in this mess. Think about the future of ALL involved.. (including this baby).. Aborting a baby to cover up your own stupidity is not thinking about the baby's future. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 The man you got invovled with already is invovled in a long term relationship and must not want to ruin that if he is pushing for termination. And he might not have any desire to be a father nor take care of a child. Some people just don't want children. At all. Ever. Abortion is not the answer. I can understand abortion under extreme circumstances like rape or a genetic disorder, but not because.....oh crap I cheated and now Im pregnant. Lying and cheating got her in this and it won't get her out. Now of days people use abortion as a form of birth control and that is wrong. That's your opinion on abortion, and you are entitled to it. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than bringing an unwanted child into the world that you then have to take care of the rest of your life, on top of your other problems. We must agree to disagree and not debate the subject of whether abortion should or should not be an option for women who are faced with an unwanted pregnancy, as that is not the subject of this thread. If she does not want to be a mother again, she does not have to. Obviously since the OP made an appointment to take the abortion pill, she is considering it as an option. That is why I asked if she actually wants another child, or if she's just hoping a child might keep that other guy in her life. If she really, truly wants a child, great. Have the baby and don't worry about what the guys will do or think. But if she's thinking of using the child to keep other guy in her life, that's not a good enough reason to have the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Think about the future of ALL involved.. (including this baby).. And including the two children you already have. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 And including the two children you already have. The 'ALL involved' in my post.. already included the two children.. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Aborting a baby to cover up your own stupidity is not thinking about the baby's future. Let's not go into the morality of the issue....it IS for her to decide...it is her body, it is her conscience.. You have already stated your view on abortion. I think it is enough. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 The 'ALL involved' in my post.. already included the two children.. I'm sure it did. I thought they deserved a separate mention, though. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Let's not go into the morality of the issue....it IS for her to decide...it is her body, it is her conscience.. You have already stated your view on abortion. I think it is enough. Tami, everyone knows the only reason you jumped on this is because you want to start a argument. It's pathetic that you need this to feel good. I don't know how lonely or sad your life is that you actually need to argue with people on the internet to feel something. I gave my advice and only part of it was about the abortion and you know this. I didn't direct anithing towards you. You just want to argue because of what ever weird reason you have. OP, everyone knows that there is no such thing as safe sex, there is only safer sex. Don't get me wrong, I am not against sex(I would be a hypocrite if I was). I believe in God but I do not follow any specific religion. My advice to you was based off two reason, the first is the obvious; I do feel that abortion is wrong. I think it is sad that as a society we look to abortion as a means of birth control instead of a health decision. We have become a people that look for quick fixes, and this is slowly bringing us down. We no longer work for anything. The second reason is that I think a abortion will affect you in a negative way. I know there are studies out there that say this isn't so, but there are also studies that say the opposite. If you regret this decision it will haunt you forever. I feel that a abortion will hurt you more down the road. It is very rare to find a mother or father that looks into there new born childs eyes and feels resentment. Sure, there are parents who once in a while wonder what life would be like if they took a different road but more often than not they love that child more than anything. On the other hand it is not uncommon to find women who had abortions and really regret what they did. They go through all sorts of issues because of this. If you need a example just look at Norma L. McCorvey, she is the reason why abortion is legal and now she regrets helping this decison. She even protest it. What ever you choose to do, be honest. Tell both parties and think about everything in the long run. Don't jump to conclusions. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Tami, everyone knows the only reason you jumped on this is because you want to start a argument. It's pathetic that you need this to feel good. I don't know how lonely or sad your life is that you actually need to argue with people on the internet to feel something. I gave my advice and only part of it was about the abortion and you know this. I didn't direct anithing towards you. You just want to argue because of what ever weird reason you have. LOL...I think I have covered termination myself in my post ...you are preaching to her and that is enough. All I am saying is I do not think this post should be about abortion...why is that an argument? I AM pathetic? not more pathetic as a single person who claims to be happy and who comes here to post as a hobby(talk about having a life:rolleyes:)...You know as well as I do, that the reason why you jump in on me this time is because you got called out the last time you did. You are just more than ready to get on my case except that you were wrong and I have exposed you as someone who JUST wants to prove me wrong...get over yourself...or me.. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Ladies, please take this to PM rather than discussing in the OP's thread. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Ladies, please take this to PM rather than discussing in the OP's thread. thanks norajane but Im a guy Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 thanks norajane but Im a guy Well, my advice still stands. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Haha, it is good advice Link to post Share on other sites
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