Pregnant from an affair

[mymistake]

Well firstly many thanks for the replies, youve all given me alot to think about, especially looking at it from another side of keeping it as well as termination.

 

Been a small mix up somewhere, me and my partner are no longer together, he had the vasectomy three years ago and never did hi sperm test.

 

Me and the guy i cheated with is in a miserable relationship and absolutely adores me, we get on so well the relationship hes in at the moment he wants to end but hes financially tied to her, they even sleep in dif rooms, ive been to his and seen this for myself.

 

Hes in the process of sorting his mess out and for him this is his first pregnancy and is thinking i cant do this while in a mess, the situation is messy, weve only just started something and how the hell do i cover this up so he weighed up his side and said best option is termination,

 

But i havent weighed up mine yet, ive got an appointment booked for the 21st i will be almost 6 wks so ive got a bit of time to sort my head out.

 

First reaction is omg obviously and with me doing my best to prevent this from happening i.e birth control i was in the frame of mind of termination is best...but then i think BUT i'm a mum i love being a mum i dont mind pregnancy and would do anything for my children even a 3rd c-section.

 

But thats me im really strong like that as in dont mind what mess i get in i sort it and get through...so whats the problem here...

 

It's everyone around me... my neighbours already hate me for ending things with my ex if carrying someone elses baby i will be village gossip and my life would be hell.

 

Then theres my ex..he would be devastated truely and utterly he thinks the sunshines from me and texts me everyday saying how perfect i am and how he loves me so much and hes sorry and has thought and wants to change, hes round now cooking the kids tea hes taken them shopping so i can grab a bath and have 5 mins, hes changing and being nicer and makes me feel like crap.

 

I know i would be left to raise this baby on my own and no one will be kind, i would have 2 children pregnant and no one to look after them while i was in hospital and have to be in for a few days...

 

Also theres his mum, every wed nite she has them for tea and every saturday she gives me a day off and takes them out for the day until tea time would she take the other one? i think not so i would feel bad for the one thats not her grandchild.

 

Also theres the last names too in a village and two kids the same names and the other a different surname, it would be awful for the child, asked why it has a dif surname, wheres its father, and would my two resent it when got older...

 

I wish i could foresee life with this baby, but i fear people hurting it name calling upsetting it and what a sad life that would be despite my 110% love.

 

So what do i do...seriously im battling this out, i know i can be a mummy to it but everything inconsideration what do i do?

 

And if i decided to keep it would he want to be a father to it, would my ex help? i just cant answer this and its got me swaying for a termination as much as i dont want one.

 

Oh it's a mess isnt, thank you all, that post about "you can do it,forget the rest" that inspired me cos thats how i think usually feck it life happens stuff the world im going to make the best of the situation but this time i just dont feel brave enough to say the words aloud.

 

Love to all and thanks for hugs and help any further advice would be appreciated too xxxx

[norajane]

And if i decided to keep it would he want to be a father to it, would my ex help? i just cant answer this and its got me swaying for a termination as much as i dont want one.

 

Would knowing who the father is affect your decision one way or another?

 

If it's your ex's child, does that make it easier or harder to decide?

 

The morning after pill should have worked for both June nights - don't you have up to a couple of days afterwards to take it? So it should have prevented pregnancy both nights you were with each partner.

 

So, odds are you were already pregnant from before both those nights. And that means it's more likely your ex than this new guy, right?

 

Have you discussed likely date of conception with your doctor? They at least can determine if it happened a couple of weeks ago, or a month ago with your ex. Vasectomies aren't foolproof.

[In_Repair]

If your husband adores you as much as you say... be honest with him. You might be surprised at his reaction. Regardless of whether the baby is his, he might be willing to step up to the plate and help, if it means having his family back together. He certainly wouldn't be the first man in history to knowingly raise another man's child as his own.

 

Your boyfriend sounds like a real piece of work though. He just loves you soooooo much, but he wants nothing to do with the baby that you two created. If he is willing to terminate the pregnancy, then he should have no problem giving up his parental rights should you decide to keep it. You don't even have to put his name on the birth certificate.

[tami-chan]

Been a small mix up somewhere, me and my partner are no longer together, he had the vasectomy three years ago and never did hi sperm test.

 

So does your ex-partner know you have been dating? if he does then he should know that you are not celibate and thus pregnancy could happen. You do not really owe him an explanation since you are not together. If his heart is broken yet again because you are pregnant, well..there is nothing you can do about it.

 

So your x-partner had the vasectomy 3 years ago then unless something came undone inside--the residual sperm would have been reabsorbed and or ejaculated already. So this changes the dynamics.

 

Me and the guy i cheated with is in a miserable relationship and absolutely adores me, we get on so well the relationship hes in at the moment he wants to end but hes financially tied to her, they even sleep in dif rooms, ive been to his and seen this for myself.

Well, I hope he is telling the truth, after all this "sleeping in different bedrooms" story is fairly common and usually is not true.

 

Your new lover must step up to the plate. Look, you guys used a precaution and when it failed, you did what you needed to do by taking the morning after pill...(I am curious, when did you take the pill? the longer time has elapsed since intercourse, the more your chances of being pregnant. ) so given that, it is not like you have been totally irresponsible about this and therefore he cannot ( not that he has) blame you for the pregnancy.

 

 

It's everyone around me... my neighbors already hate me for ending things with my ex if carrying someone elses baby i will be village gossip and my life would be hell.

If you keep the baby, there will be talk...but who cares about your neighbors? I know, easy for me to say because I am not in your shoes. But, your neighbors do not pay your bills...you will just have to tough it out! The gossips will be there but eventually it will die down.

 

Then theres my ex..he would be devastated truely and utterly he thinks the sunshines from me and texts me everyday saying how perfect i am and how he loves me so much and hes sorry and has thought and wants to change, hes round now cooking the kids tea hes taken them shopping so i can grab a bath and have 5 mins, hes changing and being nicer and makes me feel like crap.

You were unhappy with him. You do not love him. Yes, he is devastated now, but he will get over you in time. So leave him free.

 

I know i would be left to raise this baby on my own and no one will be kind, i would have 2 children pregnant and no one to look after them while i was in hospital and have to be in for a few days...

Their father will have to look after them, why is that a problem? MyMistake, this is not the olden times, you lived with your x-partner and had two kids and you were unmarried and no one had a problem with it, why is this a problem now? There are many women like you...and they arguably,have it tough, but they toiled and persevere and many have raised good kids. You must not allow this pregnancy to define who you are. You are much more than that, right?

 

Also theres his mum, every wed nite she has them for tea and every saturday she gives me a day off and takes them out for the day until tea time would she take the other one? i think not so i would feel bad for the one thats not her grandchild.

Well, you cannot force the grandma, if she doesn't want to. But if she is a compassionate woman and can see beyond the genetic make-up and see only children needing adults to act lovingly, then hopefully she will take the little one, too...If not, then you will have to come up with a good explanation to your baby-maybe his/her other grandma will take her/him?

 

Also theres the last names too in a village and two kids the same names and the other a different surname, it would be awful for the child, asked why it has a dif surname, wheres its father, and would my two resent it when got older..

Do you have the same last name as your children? if your new lover does not want to have anything to do with your child, s/he can have your last name. no? Children are resilient. They largely develop resentment when adults screw up and fail to explain themselves. It is up to you to make them understand that you are one family, etc.etc. You should introduce the father of the baby as soon as you can, so there is no confusion. S/he will grow up already knowing s/he has a different dad.

 

I wish i could foresee life with this baby, but i fear people hurting it name calling upsetting it and what a sad life that would be despite my 110% love.

Where do you live? I have never heard of anyone calling a child names because s/he was born out of wedlock...only adults do that...and it is not a reflection of you or your child, it is a reflection of their cruelty.

 

So whatever you decide you have a lot of soul searching to do..but bottom line you are going to have to tough it out!

[Dexter Morgan]

Wrong...until the semen is tested and it comes out ZERO presence of sperm, there is a chance of pregnancy.

 

uh, I was referring to someone that had been tested, like myself.

 

i was tested and there is ZERO precense. If there wasn't, then ol doc has some more work to do.

 

I don't know of anyone dumb enough to trust it until they are proclaimed completely sterile from a doctor.

[mymistake]

I came back from holiday 24th june, i had sex with my partner 25th june, the next night i finally spent the night with the guy ive been meeting regularly and out of the blue we went to bed.

 

I then split up with my partner, i didnt ell him what i had done, and it wasnt because of it or any other reason why i split with him other than it wasnt working... i also told him i had feelings for this guy and at first he blamed him.

 

But in the end he knows it was us and we werent working, since jan i kept saying please i dont love you its over and he stayed in deniel so i ended up finding this guy and we connected.

 

So the only time i couldve gotten pg was either 25th or 26th, and it was 7 hours after me and the guy ive been seeing i took the morning after pill.

 

So its really tricky, did i manage to concieve in 7 hours prior to taking this pill or like levonelle says if already pg then it wont work so was it my ex who got me pg.

 

I just dont know...

 

As for wether the fatherhood change my desicion yeah it would if i knew for a fact right now it was my ex's i would keep it...call him and say come round and i know he would be jumping for joy...

 

And i will feel over the moon to be having another baby BUT i know it would only take one off day or one row and i would feel miserable in my relationship again.

 

It's awful isnt it and im sorry but here i feel like i can finally say these things as ive no one to talk too.

 

The guy i'm seeing looks at me and worries i will change my mind, well i think i already am swaying towards keeping it...then i get a moment with the kids and im tired and i think how am i going to cope pg, how am i going to cope having 3!

 

Oh its so mixed right now, and even saying those things makes me feel awful for this baby i've never thought of a life this way, my babies are so precious to me, so to be debating its life like this just makes my heart ache.

 

The worst thing is this is the best pregnancy i've no symptoms at all except very very tired other than this my skin and nails are gorgeous and i feel well.

 

Oh what to do?

 

at least i have a bit of time on my hands to make the correct desicion and in the end i'm going to have to but i think i shouldn't just do what makes others happy and instead approach the subject with him (the guy ive been seeing) about what he would do if i kept it.

 

And talk it out and see if he contemplates another view on things.

 

As for the name calling, yeah sadly it does happen here, its the perfect village here in England, all snobby all same mum and dad all well spoken, it would almost make headlines here it's that sad.

 

thanks again youve no idea how much youre helping me xxx

[norajane]

So the only time i couldve gotten pg was either 25th or 26th, and it was 7 hours after me and the guy ive been seeing i took the morning after pill.

 

So its really tricky, did i manage to concieve in 7 hours prior to taking this pill or like levonelle says if already pg then it wont work so was it my ex who got me pg.

 

Could you already have been pregnant before having sex on the 25th? Have the doctors confirmed that you are only two or three weeks pregnant? Or could you be 6 or 7 weeks pregnant?

[Dexter Morgan]

Me and the guy i cheated with is in a miserable relationship and absolutely adores me

 

oh but of course he does:rolleyes:.

 

many guys that cheat adore the hell out of the person they cheat with...why? because you are new to him.

 

Just wait until you are no longer new....if you and he hook up, then over time, I'm sure he'll be miserable in that relationship too once the relationship gets some age on it.

 

Of course he is gonna say he is miserable in his relationship. You think men get in women's pants by saying, "I'm completely happy with my significant other and love her dearly"

 

 

we get on so well the relationship hes in at the moment he wants to end but hes financially tied to her, they even sleep in dif rooms, ive been to his and seen this for myself.

 

financially tied to her? Sorry, thats a piss poor excuse.

 

 

It's everyone around me... my neighbours already hate me for ending things with my ex if carrying someone elses baby i will be village gossip and my life would be hell.

 

not that I care to get this into a debate about abortion....but you are going to kill a baby for the convenience of staving off gossip??

 

 

Then theres my ex..he would be devastated truely and utterly

 

so what? what do you care? you cheated on him, you don't think thats devestation enough?

 

 

 

he thinks the sunshines from me and texts me everyday saying how perfect i am and how he loves me so much

 

well hes a fool, sorry to say. He is in the desperation phase after finding out about cheating. He will do anything, including acting like a lapdog, to keep a cheater because he thinks he needs to so as to save face with regards to his manhood.

 

Hopefully, for his sake, he will snap out of it, see you for what you really are, and stop this nonsense so he can move on.

 

 

I know i would be left to raise this baby on my own and no one will be kind, i would have 2 children pregnant and no one to look after them while i was in hospital and have to be in for a few days...

 

whats the point of trying to convince us of it? you already have an appointment to kill the baby. so keep the appointment and you won't have to worry about gossip and what you explained above.

 

 

 

Also theres the last names too in a village and two kids the same names and the other a different surname, it would be awful for the child, asked why it has a dif surname, wheres its father, and would my two resent it when got older...

 

I wish i could foresee life with this baby, but i fear people hurting it name calling upsetting it and what a sad life that would be despite my 110% love.

 

you have already justified in your own mind aborting it.....so just do it. don't try to convince us. I'm not ever going to be convinced it should be done, but its not my decision, its yours...and its clear you already made it. So do it

 

 

So what do i do...seriously im battling this out, i know i can be a mummy to it but everything inconsideration what do i do?

 

all the reasons you gave are bullsh#t reasons to kill a kid. You want to do it out of convenience, then do it....all the other excuses you gave are just that...excuses to justify it to yourself.

 

 

 

 

And if i decided to keep it would he want to be a father to it, would my ex help?

 

but what about all the excuses, gossip...etc..etc.?

 

and if he wants to be a father, then the real father can just piss off out of the picture completely.

 

You don't add insult to injury to a man that would be willing to be a father to a child that belongs to another man. If thats the route you would take, which I know won't be, then if he is willing to be a father, then he should be the only father the child knows.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Then theres my ex..he would be devastated truely and utterly he thinks the sunshines from me and texts me everyday saying how perfect i am and how he loves me so much and hes sorry and has thought and wants to change, hes round now cooking the kids tea hes taken them shopping so i can grab a bath and have 5 mins, hes changing and being nicer and makes me feel like crap.

 

I know i would be left to raise this baby on my own and no one will be kind, i would have 2 children pregnant and no one to look after them while i was in hospital and have to be in for a few days...

 

I'm sorry your in this situation! It sounds like you tried to do the right thing.

 

My advice is this... Try to live without regrets. Just do whatever you won't look back on in 10 years regretting.

 

Children take time, effort, and money. My opinion is that they are worth every drop. Put some thought into how important they are to you.

 

Don't make any choices based on how your Ex will feel. It doesn't matter if he stops thinking the sun shines out your butt. It just shows he is mildly delusional to begin with.

[mymistake]

i know you must feel my reasons are unjust but nothing has been done yet, it's not final and quite honestly i think im using this thread as a sounding board not as fact and this is what will happen and this is what i will do.

 

It's more of an argh these are my thoughts, what shall i do and try and use it and listen to others advice, this is all new to me, what to do and really im looking for someone similar who may have been in a situation like mine and what the outcome was.

 

I hope my situation is rare though, it's an awful place to be in, and technically i didnt feel like i was cheating as 99% of the time ive been honest with my ex on my feelings towards him our relationship and this other guy.

 

It's just this last thing i feel i cant say the words and make it real and im struggling. i know i shouldnt have cheated despite the circumstances i know im totally in the wrong and probably deserve this but the baby doesnt.

 

Your words however harsh are to the point and i appreciate your views, so because you are upfront...help me what would you do in this situation ok maybe your come back will be im not stupid enough to get in this situation (also i think youre a bloke is that right?) but all that aside if you were me hand on heart what would you do??

 

Thanks again for replies xxx

[mymistake]

also please dont think im that worried about gossip, honestly i can handle it im made of tougher stuff when comes to faces in the crowd, i think it's more how the kids will be affected by those types of people than how i would be treated. xxx

 

Thanks for the other reply i think thats the direction im swaying in, more concentrating on no regrets and making the correct choice for me and the kids than anyone else.and thats the key advice here ive noticed so thanks again xxx

[tami-chan]

uh, I was referring to someone that had been tested, like myself.

 

i was tested and there is ZERO precense. If there wasn't, then ol doc has some more work to do.

 

I don't know of anyone dumb enough to trust it until they are proclaimed completely sterile from a doctor.

 

well, the OP's ex-partner was not tested....besides even if your semen has been tested and found no presence of sperm...pregnancy is still possible--there is such things as "technical error" and late recanalization. Read up on it, too tired to explain this. Just remember, one study reported there is an average of 2 pregnancies resulting in/from every 3,100 plus vasectomized men. One can't be careful enough.

[Dexter Morgan]

technically i didnt feel like i was cheating as 99% of the time ive been honest with my ex on my feelings towards him our relationship and this other guy.

 

so as long as someone is honest about their feelings, then screwing someone behind a bf/gf's back is only 1% cheating? puuuulease.

 

its cheating because you didn't break it off with X before doing the deed.

 

but hey, justify it to yourself however you want. doesn't change the facts.

 

 

 

Your words however harsh are to the point and i appreciate your views, so because you are upfront...help me what would you do in this situation ok maybe your come back will be im not stupid enough to get in this situation (also i think youre a bloke is that right?) but all that aside if you were me hand on heart what would you do??

 

If I were you, I'd keep the child, and take the other guy to court for child support. Don't rope your X into being the child's father, because that would be the only reason for you getting back with the X...to use him.

 

So make the other man take responsibility.

[mymistake]

Could you already have been pregnant before having sex on the 25th? Have the doctors confirmed that you are only two or three weeks pregnant? Or could you be 6 or 7 weeks pregnant?

 

Well my period was about the 9th june, i went away on the 16th no sex cos was away, came back 24th june and 25th with my ex and 26th with the other guy.

 

I want to get a clearblue test that says how many weeks you are but im so skint since my ex and i split ive got £20 to live on with the kids, ive been trying to sort out some cash but its proving slow. ive enough food to last til friday for the kids etc.

 

But by the time i get paid from work it will be the 22nd, and theyre scanning me 21st. so will ask at the scan and see. xxx

[mymistake]

so as long as someone is honest about their feelings, then screwing someone behind a bf/gf's back is only 1% cheating? puuuulease.

 

its cheating because you didn't break it off with X before doing the deed.

 

but hey, justify it to yourself however you want. doesn't change the facts.

 

Yeah i know, and i admitted that too in my reply that its still cheating, i'm not proud of it and have never tried to justify it im just not that type of person, black is black white is white its cheating in any form. xxx

 

 

 

 

 

If I were you, I'd keep the child, and take the other guy to court for child support. Don't rope your X into being the child's father, because that would be the only reason for you getting back with the X...to use him.

 

So make the other man take responsibility.

 

Aw no i could never rope my ex into that, i would tell the truth have it all come out accept the consiquences and get on with it however hard, think my main concern is just how it will affect the kids and whether i could cope... it's tough being in a village with no shops for miles, i dont drive,two kids no partner,pregnant,house, work,school runs and having enough time to make sure all my children get what they need from me.

 

I worry about being heavily pregnant and tired then the recovering as will have to be a 3rd c section...so a new baby, all that and 2 kids as well as limited capability from the op its scary. also i had complications in my second c section i set off the alarm bells, the first one i kept blacking out and took ill and the second i was in a bad way.

 

So this frightens me xxx

[tami-chan]

Well my period was about the 9th june, i went away on the 16th no sex cos was away, came back 24th june and 25th with my ex and 26th with the other guy.

 

I want to get a clearblue test that says how many weeks you are but im so skint since my ex and i split ive got £20 to live on with the kids, ive been trying to sort out some cash but its proving slow. ive enough food to last til friday for the kids etc.

 

But by the time i get paid from work it will be the 22nd, and theyre scanning me 21st. so will ask at the scan and see. xxx

 

Well you had sex with both of them on a week that you were not safe. No use trying to figure out who the biological father is right now...you will have to do postpartum DNA test.

 

Wait....you have 20# to live on? omg....you have issues! I do not mean to be harsh, but seriously, after this baby, you need to have your tubes tied or something. It is irresponsible to bring children to the world knowing you are in dire financial need already.

 

And you had problems on the 2 c-sections you had? Talk to your MD, he might advise you not to have this baby-therapeutic abortion, that is.

[mymistake]

yeah my doctor said im at a high risk

 

i only £20 right now, once i get paid and he does i will be ok again...

 

There was a mix up while i was away with my wages and so ive had to wait, dont worry im normally financially secure, just a hiccup....i grow alot of food in the garden and used to be a chef so im pretty good at budgetting and making good meals etc.

 

Thanks for the reply xxx

[norajane]

Well my period was about the 9th june, i went away on the 16th no sex cos was away, came back 24th june and 25th with my ex and 26th with the other guy.

 

I want to get a clearblue test that says how many weeks you are but im so skint since my ex and i split ive got £20 to live on with the kids, ive been trying to sort out some cash but its proving slow. ive enough food to last til friday for the kids etc.

 

But by the time i get paid from work it will be the 22nd, and theyre scanning me 21st. so will ask at the scan and see. xxx

 

Have you taken a pregnancy test at all? How do you know you're pregnant?

[mymistake]

yeah loads and all positive also docs did one and again positive. xxx

[DESTIE]

Well I am sort of in the same situation. I am almost 6 mths pregnant by a MM, and I have 2 children from a previous relationship, I took BC and after years it failed me. I considered an abortion and went for the appt however when I got there I could not go through with it. I broke down and they told me to go home and think about it. So here I am.

 

First and foremost please do not make any decisions based on the men in your life. I was going to abort for him and only him. Then I thought about how I would look back on this 5 yrs from now. Will I regret my decision? I decided that I would never regret my child and would more than likey regret having an abortion so I decided to continue with the pregnancy and I'm glad I did b/c I love her so much already.

 

I am not trying to convince you to keep it, that is completely your decision but like I said please do not do it for any other reason than this is what is best for you, not what is best for them.

[norajane]

yeah my doctor said im at a high risk

 

i only £20 right now, once i get paid and he does i will be ok again...

 

There was a mix up while i was away with my wages and so ive had to wait, dont worry im normally financially secure, just a hiccup....i grow alot of food in the garden and used to be a chef so im pretty good at budgetting and making good meals etc.

 

Thanks for the reply xxx

 

Will you be able to continue working if you have a baby, and no baby daddy to help you out at home? Who will watch the baby while you are at work?

[Fancee]

Things happen for a reason??? You are so right. The reason you are pregnant is cause you didn't do anything to proteect yourself or the vasectomy is not 100%.

 

Now if it were me I would have an abortion like the guy has told you. If a guy told me that any nice way he put it- I would do it so fast - it would make your head spin. I would get the hell out of his koolaid.

 

He is in a relationship and don't want to terminate his relationship, maybe. Usually these men just don't want children everytime a woman gets pregnant. The are concerned with the financial burdeon being placed on them.

[Fancee]

You will make a good show on Maury's. I love Maury's. Everything gone be alright. Thats how we all get here ready or not mostly not ready. But on the for real side I'd take that trip to Maury's show and have a good time. If you are not easy going then forget Maury's. You're very young and this will pass.

[lkjh]

Well I am sort of in the same situation. I am almost 6 mths pregnant by a MM, and I have 2 children from a previous relationship, I took BC and after years it failed me. I considered an abortion and went for the appt however when I got there I could not go through with it. I broke down and they told me to go home and think about it. So here I am.

 

First and foremost please do not make any decisions based on the men in your life. I was going to abort for him and only him. Then I thought about how I would look back on this 5 yrs from now. Will I regret my decision? I decided that I would never regret my child and would more than likey regret having an abortion so I decided to continue with the pregnancy and I'm glad I did b/c I love her so much already.

 

I am not trying to convince you to keep it, that is completely your decision but like I said please do not do it for any other reason than this is what is best for you, not what is best for them.

 

 

Good advice, I find it hard to believe that any stable person can look at the child and regret having them.

[norajane]

Good advice, I find it hard to believe that any stable person can look at the child and regret having them.

 

If that were the case, there wouldn't be so many kids in foster care. Not everyone can handle a child, nor does everyone have the resources to do so.