Pregnant from an affair

[sb129]

Absolutely NJ.

 

I am pregnant now, and this baby is so loved and wanted by me, my H and our families, its absolutely the right time for us to be having a baby now. I can't imagine bringing a child into the world in any other situation.

 

However- if my situation had been different when I fell pregnant, I would have definitely considered termination if it had been to my exMM- (in fact the thought of having his baby makes me feel nauseous).

 

It would have been one more thing he could have used to manipulate me, and that is totally unfair on an innocent child.

[BlackWhite]

Absolutely NJ.

 

I am pregnant now, and this baby is so loved and wanted by me, my H and our families, its absolutely the right time for us to be having a baby now. I can't imagine bringing a child into the world in any other situation.

 

However- if my situation had been different when I fell pregnant, I would have definitely considered termination if it had been to my exMM- (in fact the thought of having his baby makes me feel nauseous).

 

It would have been one more thing he could have used to manipulate me, and that is totally unfair on an innocent child.

 

Does your husband know that you were someone's mistress?

[tami-chan]

Does your husband know that you were someone's mistress?

 

What does your question have to do with MyMistake's dilemma? just asking.

[sb129]

Does your husband know that you were someone's mistress?

 

Yes, as a matter of fact he does.

All that was done and dusted before I met my husband.

 

(Not that its any of your business- pick away if you feel you must- luckily I learned from my mistakes and was fortunate enough to end up in a very solid, happy marriage).

[lkjh]

If that were the case, there wouldn't be so many kids in foster care. Not everyone can handle a child, nor does everyone have the resources to do so.

 

 

Just because someone gives their child up for adoption does not mean they didn't love them. At least they gave the kids a chance to live.

[norajane]

Just because someone gives their child up for adoption does not mean they didn't love them. At least they gave the kids a chance to live.

 

That's a pretty thought, but reality isn't always that pretty.

 

 

None of us know the circumstances of another, emotional, physical, financial. In the OP's case, for example, I would have no idea how it feels to be so medically unwell from her previous C sections, nor what that would mean medically for her or the child if she were to try to carry to term.

 

We shouldn't presume that we know the "right" answers for someone else.

[lkjh]

That's a pretty thought, but reality isn't always that pretty.

 

 

None of us know the circumstances of another, emotional, physical, financial. In the OP's case, for example, I would have no idea how it feels to be so medically unwell from her previous C sections, nor what that would mean medically for her or the child if she were to try to carry to term.

 

We shouldn't presume that we know the "right" answers for someone else.

 

Are you saying its not true?

 

Im not trying t get the debate going but now you are just taking every angle possible. Come on, all I did was say that I like Destie's(because she has been there) advice and you threw out the adoption parents don't love their kids claim. My last post had nothing to do about her C sections, I was just responding to your adoption post. None of us can claim that one way is healthier than the other.

[GreenEyedLady]

Will you be able to continue working if you have a baby, and no baby daddy to help you out at home? Who will watch the baby while you are at work?

 

Have we not heard of child care?

 

This is a stupid reason not to have a child.

 

There is also no reason a woman cannot continue working while pregnant. If there are complications it's called disability payments. Women do this all the time.

 

Also, there are plenty of single parents raising babies with other little ones at home.

 

It can be done people. You just have to want to.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

Have we not heard of child care?

 

This is a stupid reason not to have a child.

 

There is also no reason a woman cannot continue working while pregnant. If there are complications it's called disability payments. Women do this all the time.

 

Also, there are plenty of single parents raising babies with other little ones at home.

 

It can be done people. You just have to want to.

 

GEL

 

But not everyone qualifies for disability payments from SSI, or buys a disability insurance policy for such a situation that may arise.

 

And if the pregnancy becomes so high risk that she is taken out of work, there is no law that states that the baby's father must step in and take care of her and her other children (if she has any) while she can't work.

 

The fact that this pregnancy is high risk is truly something to consider. All of my pregnancies were high risk with me being put on bed rest for the last three months. If I wasn't married to the father, I don't know what would have happened. When I was working during my first and second pregnancies, I did have disability insurance though. But not everyone thinks to purchase that before its too late.

[GreenEyedLady]

She should check her state laws. In my state if your doctor puts you off for medical reasons, then the state covers payments. Unless you're a state employee of some sort, then you have to have the insurance.

[Untouchable_Fire]

But not everyone qualifies for disability payments from SSI' date=' or buys a disability insurance policy for such a situation that may arise.[/u']

And if the pregnancy becomes so high risk that she is taken out of work, there is no law that states that the baby's father must step in and take care of her and her other children (if she has any) while she can't work.

The fact that this pregnancy is high risk is truly something to consider. All of my pregnancies were high risk with me being put on bed rest for the last three months. If I wasn't married to the father, I don't know what would have happened. When I was working during my first and second pregnancies, I did have disability insurance though. But not everyone thinks to purchase that before its too late.

 

GEL was right. There is ALWAYS help if you look for it. I know church groups that will assist as well.

 

It would be a stupid reason to get rid of a baby.

[NoIDidn't]

GEL was right. There is ALWAYS help if you look for it. I know church groups that will assist as well.

 

It would be a stupid reason to get rid of a baby.

 

I haven't read the entire thread and was only responding to GEL's comment.

 

I have no idea of what you are talking about regarding "getting rid of a baby".

 

There is always help if you look for it. That would be correct. But certain types of help (she mentioned disability payments) have eligibility requirements or require that you pay for them in advance. That's all I'm saying.

[norajane]

Are you saying its not true?

 

Im not trying t get the debate going but now you are just taking every angle possible. Come on, all I did was say that I like Destie's(because she has been there) advice and you threw out the adoption parents don't love their kids claim. My last post had nothing to do about her C sections, I was just responding to your adoption post. None of us can claim that one way is healthier than the other.

 

Of course I'm recommending that she consider every angle possible. It's easy for us to sit behind a computer and tell her what she should do with her life. But she is the one who has to live with her decision, so yes, absolutely, she should consider:

 

- what a high risk pregnancy would mean for her and the baby's health

- how she will financially be able to support another child and herself if she's out of work, or even if she can still work, who would care for her children and the new baby

- how adding anther child to the household will affect the two children she already has

- what support system she has in place

- what happens when she figures out who the baby's father is, and what her plans are at that point depending on which guy it is

- whether she is emotionally and mentally ready to care for another child

 

Why shouldn't she consider those things?

 

As for the adoption comments, I was not saying that adopted babies aren't loved by their adoptive parents. I replied to your generalization that it was not possible for a mother not to love a baby. If we are generalizing, then I disagree, it's entirely possible and the proof is that there are currently children in foster care precisely because their own parents neglected them, abused them, or could not care for them. And those children are languishing in foster care because no one wants to adopt them. Everyone wants to adopt pretty, healthy babies, but if they're not so healthy, if they're minorities, and if they are taken away as older children because their parents are not caring well for them, they enter the system and are often further damaged by it. So, the reality is not as pretty as we all like to think when we tell people they should carry a pregnancy to term at all costs regardless of any other factors.

 

And GEL, yes, where there's a will there's a way. But there isn't always a will. Some people simply do not WANT to take on the responsibility of another child. So there is a very good reason to consider all factors, such as who will actually be taking care of the baby and her other two children if she is working. Why wouldn't she consider that if she's deciding whether she WANTS to have another child.

[DESTIE]

As for the adoption comments, I was not saying that adopted babies aren't loved by their adoptive parents. I replied to your generalization that it was not possible for a mother not to love a baby. If we are generalizing, then I disagree, it's entirely possible and the proof is that there are currently children in foster care precisely because their own parents neglected them, abused them, or could not care for them. And those children are languishing in foster care because no one wants to adopt them. Everyone wants to adopt pretty, healthy babies, but if they're not so healthy, if they're minorities, and if they are taken away as older children because their parents are not caring well for them, they enter the system and are often further damaged by it. So, the reality is not as pretty as we all like to think when we tell people they should carry a pregnancy to term at all costs regardless of any other factors.

 

There is a difference between foster care and adoption. Yes, children in foster care can be a product of the system and stay in FC their entire childhood never to be adopted by a family. These are usually children that are abandoned or taken away from their mothers/parents due to neglect.

 

Adoption is finding someone while you are pregnant to take your child at birth. In cases of adoption the child is placed in loving, screened homes decided on by the mother.

[norajane]

There is a difference between foster care and adoption. Yes, children in foster care can be a product of the system and stay in FC their entire childhood never to be adopted by a family. These are usually children that are abandoned or taken away from their mothers/parents due to neglect.

 

Adoption is finding someone while you are pregnant to take your child at birth. In cases of adoption the child is placed in loving, screened homes decided on by the mother.

 

Yes, I understand. Which is why I specifically stated foster care in my first reply to lkjh. He brought up adoption, not me.

[DESTIE]

Yes, I understand. Which is why I specifically stated foster care in my first reply to lkjh. He brought up adoption, not me.

 

Sorry. I shouldn't of quoted you just wanted to make sure that the difference between the two was noted.

[fooled once]

OP - can I ask how old you are?

 

How old is the man you are having an affair with?

 

From my view:

 

You are pregnant and have NO idea who the father is.

 

You won't know until the baby is born, if you decide to have the baby.

 

You don't want to tell your ex that the baby may not be his because he doesn't know you are sleeping with someone else.

 

So - IF you keep the baby, are you going to own up NOW that he may not be the father?

 

You aren't expecting the man you slept with to step up and play dad, are you? Sounds like he has no desire to. Sure, you can go after c/s, but that doesn't give you help when you are tired or want a break. And you can't expect the grandma of the other 2 kids to open up her heart and home to a child who isn't her grandchild.

 

So this child will be 100% your responsibility.

 

And sure there are programs that can help -- but there are also waiting lists for these programs. I know someone here in the states who sat on a waiting list for daycare for years. She also made too much for welfare.

 

You had a flub up in your check and it has caused you to have no money for a bit. But your ex gets paid? If you are split up from him, why are you waiting for money from him? Isn't it wrong to take money from him since you told him you didn't want him anymore? Sure, he should pay c/s -- but you need to go to court (or however they do that in England) and get that going. Especially since you don't want him - it isn't fair to string him along.

 

Just because you terminate a pregnancy doesn't mean you are a bad mom. It means you know that a child is not what you need or a child that you cannot provide for. There is no shame in that, no matter what anyone tries to tell you. It is a PERSONAL choice.

 

So stop playing games with your ex.

 

Stop thinking that this new guy is going to be the answer to your prayers. Do you think he wants to become Step Daddy to someone else's kids when he doesn't even want his own?

 

The last thing you need right now is a relationship. IF you are going to keep this child, that should be your focus. You will need to figure out how you are going to financially support all these kids. Yes, the father(s) of these kids will have to pay THEIR share of child support; but as the mom, you are also responsible for financially supporting them.

 

Focus on your situation and make a decision.

 

Yes, the new guy you are screwing 'adores' you -- I wouldn't think he would be screwing someone who makes him sick. LOL

 

BUT, he doesn't want a child. You can't MAKE him be a father (if this child is even his) all you can MAKE him do is pay his share of the cost for this child.

 

And if you are a high risk pregnancy, think of your other 2 children. Is something happening to you worth it? What if you are bed-ridden? What if you lose your life due to being high risk? Think about ALL of it.

 

As for adoption -- MANY people give up their kids for adoption for the RIGHT reasons. MANY people. I have a niece and nephew how were adopted - because their birth mothers knew they couldn't provide for them and did the RIGHT thing. My niece and nephew have 2 parents who LOVE THEM as if they gave birth to them. So adoption is an option.

 

There are ****ty parents who keep their kids. Make no mistake about that. Those children who have to live in HELL every single day because of their parents selfishness.

 

So - think and make some decisions.

[lkjh]

Of course I'm recommending that she consider every angle possible. It's easy for us to sit behind a computer and tell her what she should do with her life. But she is the one who has to live with her decision, so yes, absolutely, she should consider:

 

- what a high risk pregnancy would mean for her and the baby's health

- how she will financially be able to support another child and herself if she's out of work, or even if she can still work, who would care for her children and the new baby

- how adding anther child to the household will affect the two children she already has

- what support system she has in place

- what happens when she figures out who the baby's father is, and what her plans are at that point depending on which guy it is

- whether she is emotionally and mentally ready to care for another child

 

Why shouldn't she consider those things?

 

 

I defiantly think she should consider these things. But lets break them down

 

-There is no reason to believe that this is a high risk pregnancy. She didn't write that anywhere.

-We can keep playing the financial card, but come on. No matter who the father is he will have to help out. Its the law. The father of her first two children will still have to help is kids financially as well. Hes not just going to cut them off and if he does a judge can force him to pay. Also, there are many systems in place to help single mothers

- Kids go threw these things all the time. Her kids will be perfectly fine. I know plenty of people who had step brothers and sisters and they came out ok

-Every state in the country(assuming she from the US or England) has support systems and laws protecting single mothers. Also, most states have laws requiring employers to offer leave for pregnancy

-Who the fathers is shouldn't decide whether or not to abort the baby. Choosing who you sleep with determines this

-Judging by her post she a pretty stable person. Yes she got herself into a bad situation but there is no reason to believe that she is going to have a complete break down. She even said in her post that she can handle the gossip and she is strong

[norajane]

 

-There is no reason to believe that this is a high risk pregnancy. She didn't write that anywhere.

 

You must have missed this part:

 

I worry about being heavily pregnant and tired then the recovering as will have to be a 3rd c section...so a new baby, all that and 2 kids as well as limited capability from the op its scary. also i had complications in my second c section i set off the alarm bells, the first one i kept blacking out and took ill and the second i was in a bad way.

 

So this frightens me xxx

 

As to the rest, yes, the fathers are responsible for their share of child support, but she is also responsible for her share, plus everything else including caring for 3 children.

 

You can say she's "strong", but that's for her to decide. Actually being a single parent is not as easy as it to tell her to be one when it's not you who has to actually do it.

 

And yes, to me, it absolutely would matter who the father was. If the father is the one who was cheating on his long term girlfriend and does not want to be a father to the child and the kid will only know him from the checks he's forced to send every month...yep, that would influence my decision very much. So I would most definitely take that into consideration.

[tami-chan]

I defiantly think she should consider these things. But lets break them down

 

-There is no reason to believe that this is a high risk pregnancy. She didn't write that anywhere.

 

No? are you sure about that? or are you just commenting without actually reading the rest of her posts? Are you Chrome?

 

Let's see, I think this is what she said and even if she didn't say this I can tell you, that a third c-section while quite routine will be considered a high risk pregnancy-there are things to worry about, as I have mentioned before, scar tissue, uterine rapture,bowel injury, placenta accreta...etc, etc. But enough of that, let's see what she ACTUALLY said:

 

I worry about being heavily pregnant and tired then the recovering as will have to be a 3rd c section...so a new baby, all that and 2 kids as well as limited capability from the op its scary. also i had complications in my second c section i set off the alarm bells, the first one i kept blacking out and took ill and the second i was in a bad way.

 

Oooopps! oh wait here's another from OP:

 

yeah my doctor said im at a high risk

 

hmmm...! there is a pattern....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yeah my doctor said im at a high risk

[SoulSearch_CO]

Ooooookay...very long and convoluted thread, so I didn't read the whole thing. If somebody already gave these stats, I'm sorry:

 

Levonelle One Step®, the emergency contraceptive pill is 95% effective within 24 hours of unprotected sex, 85% between 25 - 48 hours and 58% if taken between 49 - 72 hours.

So it's not 100% effective. There was a 5% chance to get pregnant from your new lover. And no, it's impossible to fertilize and implant so quickly.

 

http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/conception-implantation.html

it is possible that it can be as many as 7 to 14 days between the time of sexual intercourse and the time that the fertilized egg implants in the uterus.

Vasectomy is about 99% effective. So if I had to take out bets on who the father is, I'm going with the new guy. I'd suggest a blood test, honestly, if you plan on keeping the baby. With your high-risk history, though, I think it's kind of a scary situation to place your current children in - being faced with possibly losing their mother. I'm pro-choice, but I really hope people make smart decisions. I don't think I could ever have an abortion. But honestly, I think you owe something to the children you already have and if there's a high possibility you could die with this new child, I think it's a little irresponsible to keep it. But that's JMO given the circumstances.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This is just a messed up situation all around.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you dont.

 

I think you should own up to what your doing and tell your ex the truth. I mean doesnt he deserve the truth, instead of being led on and deceived.

 

Let him go so he can find someone faithful and better suited for him. Your mindset isnt mature enough to be with anyone right now.

 

The way you go from relationship to another without any self time is very telling, but hey it's your life.

[mymistake]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

 

i am 29 and he is 29(guy im seeing)

 

We've only actually had sex once and that was the 26th june, all our other time together we just spend talking and enjoying each others company.

 

As for my ex, in england you dont have to go to court to recieved child matainence, you can do a private agreement, which is where you fill in a form and decide how much to pay for a child per week, for my two child he it is calculated at £75 + £10 per week, so when he gets paid the only money required is child matainence, so i'm not taking money off him or expecting him to pay, sincerly im not, the only other money i will be taking off of him...

 

Is for his car insurance and bike insurance as the diret debits come from my account,other than this the rest is his and dont expect anything from him.

 

Nor would i make him pay for this child should i choose to keep it, and i've said all along in since my split with my ex, that i didnt want to jump into another relationship, and thats why this guy ive been seeing we just spend time together and not slept together again, i dont want anything more complicated i needed to keep my head clear but enjoy some me time with him.

 

And thats all this has been with him, im in no way deluding myself thinking he would leave his current GF and be with me and raise a family...no thank you i would rather spend a year getting to know someone inside and out than have someone move in with me that ended up being worse for me and my children.

 

I'm usually a clear thinking and figure stuff out and make the right choice but for once i feel stumped, hence being here, i just feel like i dont know the right path.

 

I couldn't do adoption i would always take full responsibility for this child myself and cope as i've always been a firm believer in this time next week things will be better and keep heading in that direction so if i were to have it i know would be hard at first but eventually i would have a routine and have it figured out.

 

But do i want this other guy in my life, my mistake hanging over me, if i kept it would he never speak to me again, making my working life hell, would i survive the op, would i lose my childrens happiness if took ill or couldnt cope well at first and they suffered would it affect them for life.

 

So many questions that i dont have answers too and i wish i did.

 

xxx

[Dexter Morgan]

No? are you sure about that? or are you just commenting without actually reading the rest of her posts? Are you Chrome?

 

Let's see, I think this is what she said and even if she didn't say this I can tell you, that a third c-section while quite routine will be considered a high risk pregnancy-there are things to worry about, as I have mentioned before, scar tissue, uterine rapture,bowel injury, placenta accreta...etc, etc. But enough of that, let's see what she ACTUALLY said:

 

 

 

[/b]Oooopps! oh wait here's another from OP:

 

[/b]

 

hmmm...! there is a pattern....

 

well if she is at very high risk, then I think its time to get the tubes tied.

 

either that or stop having sex.

[Dexter Morgan]

some are harping on vasectomies being not 100%. True, you have a botched vasectomy, that can be the case. If you are deemed sterile by a doctor, then in my opinion it is 100%. But really the only way I suppose to be 100% is to remove the testicles.

 

Aside from that, a vasectomy is the most effective way to prevent pregnancy.

 

But lets assume it isn't 100%, test or no test. Some are trying to downplay the FACT that there is no way to know the baby isn't her X's.

 

puuuulease. She had sex with a man several times and the ONLY form they used is a condom. Forget the fact that condoms are nowhere NEAR effective as a vasectomy, mymistake said the condom broke.

 

So if anyone here were to take their life savings and make a bet....what would it be? The X with a vasectomy? Or the man she had been boffing frequently and a broken condom?

 

My money is on the latter.