Confronting OW...?????

[Fraggles]

Hi all...new here and wanted to post and ask for some advice. (Please excuse my abbrev. - am not too familiar with most yet!)

 

Some background on my situation and advice needed:

 

I am BW (betrayed wife?) whose H had been having an EA (emotional affair?) for approx. 2 months. D-day: 9/20/03. He ended the EA immediately. Was (and still is) remorseful, ashamed, guilt-ridden, etc. In fact now that I look back, he laid the groundwork to be caught. Said he didn't know how to end it.

 

Things are going well. We are communicating again, are intimate again and we are hopeful for full recovery.

 

Lately I have been obsessed with confronting the OW. She is the mother of one of my son's fellow Cub Scouts. My H was involved in the troop and this is how he came to be involved with her. Needless to say, he is no longer involved with the troop (or my son for that matter). Anyway she lives in the neighborhood, and son is in same grade as our daughter. I have seen her on two occasions since D-day...both at CHURCH for meeting about our children's First Holy Communion activites. I have spoken AT her once. About 1/2 hour after finding out about the EA, I called her on her cell phone and told her H couldn't come out and play that evening, etc. and told her I thought she was a dispicable (sp?) person for taking advantage of an ailing marriage, then hung up. (Made H call her back later and officially end the EA.) Now I want to confront her and hear what she has to say. I am not sure what I would say, or what I am expecting her to say. Should I pursue confronting her? I haven't talked to H about this yet. I will before I attempt to, if I go through with it.

 

Anyone have any experiences, suggestions, advice, etc. they might have to offer? I would appreciate it!

 

I have found just reading this board and all the experiences to be quite helpful in the past 6 weeks. It is just too bad there are so many pple in this situation!

 

Thanks!

[brashgal]

A Scout mom was also involved in my not-so-distant past - weird and sad.

 

Think about what you expect to gain here. She knows how you feel, you told her as much when you talked AT her on D-day. Think she is going to say anything that makes you feel any better? One of the replies I got when I asked why was "I think an awful lot of him" meaning she held him in high regard. She thought a lot of him, she didn't think about me and I can almost guarantee you that your Scout mom was not thinking about you either. Honestly, they are thinking only of themselves.

 

You need to think of your kids. You see this woman at church and maybe your kids are with you, you need to be civil for their sakes because unless her family or your family is moving away, your paths will be crossing. Take the high road, leave her down on the low road. More productive to work on your relationship with your husband. This woman really is nothing to you and has nothing worthwhile to say.

 

Good that your husband was remorseful and you are still together. My best wishes for more happy days together!

[Fraggles]

Thanks for your reply!

 

One part of me knows all that you said: She is NOT IMPORTANT and I should not make her important by needing to seek her out and talk to her. Guess I am having a few bad days. The last thing I want her to think of me is that I am a nasty, bitter woman who seeks revenge.

 

RE: Scouting....should return to MALE only club. No more den moms, or moms allowed at meetings, etc. I am afraid to let my H get invloved in anything with my son now unless I am involved! What a shame for my son....little did H know that this EA would affect EVERYONE in the family, not just me.

 

Thanks again for your reply.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

The issue is not with the other woman. You can tell every woman in the world to stay away from your husband, but the truth is, any woman can come on to your husband (and trust me, they will) but she can't do anything unless he let's her.

 

So the issue now is with you and your husband. If your husband was having an emotional affair in the marriage it was because he may have feel that some emotional needs in his marriage were unmet. Therefore, you and your husband need to have candid discussions about what's lacking in the marriage, and if he points out something about you that's not very flattering, don't become defensive or upset and start comparing yourself to the other woman feeling you're "less than"...listen to him try to work hard at making adjustments

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by ThisGirlNameKD

So the issue now is with you and your husband. If your husband was having an emotional affair in the marriage it was because he may have feel that some emotional needs in his marriage were unmet. Therefore, you and your husband need to have candid discussions about what's lacking in the marriage, and if he points out something about you that's not very flattering, don't become defensive or upset and start comparing yourself to the other woman feeling you're "less than"...listen to him try to work hard at making adjustments

 

 

And I totally understand that and we have discussed at length. I was in a depression that had been going on for 3+ years, complicated by my mother's death in 2000. I shut down emotionally. He looked for someone who would talk to him, listen to him and respond to him. I am now on meds and we are both in therapy (soon to try counseling together). We both have issues from the past that need to be dealt with. I know SHE was a symptom of our ailing marriage and not the cause. I just needed to hear this from others in the same situation, I guess. Have had a few bad days with triggers and bad memories. Being it's only been 6 weeks since D-Day I guess its normal (I hope!)

 

Thanks for your response!

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I'm glad to hear you are doing well and you realize where things went bad and now you're trying to rectify the situation. You are going to have days when you feel down and even very angry....that's completely normal. It's going to be a cycle of happy days and crappy days for a little while, but confronting her is not really going to do anything for you. Just move on, and concentrate on improving your marriage.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Fraggles..

You know, there seems to be alot of this EA business going around. I have had the same issues in my marriage.

 

I understand your need to confront this woman more than you know. Yeah, yeah, I know it is better to "take the high road." But sometimes, it does not feel better, does it? I never confronted the OW in our situation and sometimes I wondered if I should have (had very sneaky thoughts of sending an email to HER husband with all the emails and IM logs) *sigh* I never did.

 

To me, it almost felt like she had a "get out of jail free" card. She came into our lives and just created all kinds of havoc and walked away with no fall-out. Kind of pissed me off. Yes, for those getting ready to say it, I KNOW my husband is the one relationship with me; she did not have any obligation to me, ect, ect. But didn’t see have any obligation to act like a decent human being? There is no way she could have remotely thought her contact was innocent.

 

So, I guess the logical thing to say to this would be no. You should not confront her. Emotionally, sometimes that is not the answer we want to hear. Good luck in your rebuilding

[vintim53]

First, I think that the confrontation you already had with the woman should be enough. Why? Because it allowed you to tell her your thoughts. I don't believe a second one will do you any good or give you the closure you appear to need. I think this for the simple reason that, if she didn't care enough about right or wrong to stop her from what she has done, why would you think she would have any remorse for her actions. Without remorse on her part, I doubt if you will recieve any satisfaction from another confrontation, in fact, you may come away with even more frustration or anger.. IMHO

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by GeorgiaSongBird

I understand your need to confront this woman more than you know. Yeah, yeah, I know it is better to "take the high road." But sometimes, it does not feel better, does it? I never confronted the OW in our situation and sometimes I wondered if I should have (had very sneaky thoughts of sending an email to HER husband with all the emails and IM logs) *sigh* I never did.

 

To me, it almost felt like she had a "get out of jail free" card. She came into our lives and just created all kinds of havoc and walked away with no fall-out. Kind of pissed me off. Yes, for those getting ready to say it, I KNOW my husband is the one relationship with me; she did not have any obligation to me, ect, ect. But didn’t see have any obligation to act like a decent human being? There is no way she could have remotely thought her contact was innocent.

 

GeorgiaSongBird,

You just described my feelings exactly. This part of me is struggling to come to terms with the fact that the havoc is on us. She is a single mom so there is no H on her part to "blow the whistle to." I contemplated calling all the moms from the troop and warning them "Keep an eye on your husbands! There is a vulture in your midst looking for love!" I would probably end up coming off as bitter and mean and half of them know her better than me. *sigh* Yes, I know my H has blame to shoulder too, and he is...but her?? Not only me & H, but our kids suffer too...DS is no longer part of scout troop that he has been in since age 6; DD's Communion prepartions, which should be very meaningful and holy, are tarnished by the fact that SHE is there. I am angry!

 

 

Originally posted by vintim53

First, I think that the confrontation you already had with the woman should be enough. Why? Because it allowed you to tell her your thoughts. I don't believe a second one will do you any good or give you the closure you appear to need. I think this for the simple reason that, if she didn't care enough about right or wrong to stop her from what she has done, why would you think she would have any remorse for her actions. Without remorse on her part, I doubt if you will recieve any satisfaction from another confrontation, in fact, you may come away with even more frustration or anger.. IMHO

 

vintim53,

I totally see your point too. *sigh* I discussed this last night with H. He believes it would not do me (or us) any good either. She would probably not be remorseful and be resentful that I am calling her on the carpet. He is afraid she would become a nuisance to us. I have to avoid driving down her street (which is the quickest way out of my neighborhood) because when I see her car, I get all upset again...need to AVOID the triggers.

 

I actually came up with a plan that might help me: I liked the writing a letter to her and then burning it...love symbolism. In addition to that I have some items that I have been holding onto (not sure why?) that I can include in this symbolic "letting her go."

 

My H was caught through cell phone bill...up to 10 text messages a day to her (dumba**) I pay the bills!! Anyway, the day after D-Day and my talk to her and H ending it on the phone, she sent 3 more text messages to him...he responded to only one with the following message: "Goodbye." He turned off the phone. The next day while he was in the shower, I checked his phone...she had sent 3 more messages! When he found out, he left the room, went downstairs, came back up with a hammer and proceeded to smash the phone to pieces. So I still have the broken pieces of the phone. I guess to me it represents his smashing her and what happend.? I also have four pictures of her that were developed after D-day from several scouting events (that I was not at, of course).. I kept them - why? Not sure. But I can include these items with the letter and the "letting go." When these items are gone, she is truly gone!

 

Thanks again to all that responded. Your advice and support means so much. I wish everyone healing and recovery!!

[moimeme]

What you would really like is for her to feel bad about what she's done. As your husband pointed out, it's highly unlikely she will. Your chosen course of action will, I think, do you much more good - and you'll be able to feel good about yourself for having taken the higher road. Good luck to you

[TheFaithfulWife]

I too am a woman whose husband got involved with a Scout woman, Mine slept with her at least 5 times I am aware of.

I personally think that these women are looking at scouting as a way to meet men. I cannot understand how any woman could get involved with a man when she knows his children would be hurt by it, shows a very selfish side and a lack of morality.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

I decided to let my children remain in scouts but I keep a very watchful eye on my husband.

The last campout hubby went on I wrote on all his underwear in marker "Hands Off! this man is taken" I got a laugh out of it, he of course wasn't overly pleased to discover that on his undershorts the next morning.

 

We are slowly rebuilding our marriage with a lot of counseling and much talking.

I did exact a bit of revenge on her, I emailed to all the scout moms that she was an immoral woman and that she cannot be trusted around married men.

And it felt wonderful!!

TFW

[Fraggles]

Originally posted by TheFaithfulWife

I too am a woman whose husband got involved with a Scout woman, Mine slept with her at least 5 times I am aware of.

I personally think that these women are looking at scouting as a way to meet men. I cannot understand how any woman could get involved with a man when she knows his children would be hurt by it, shows a very selfish side and a lack of morality.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

I decided to let my children remain in scouts but I keep a very watchful eye on my husband.

The last campout hubby went on I wrote on all his underwear in marker "Hands Off! this man is taken" I got a laugh out of it, he of course wasn't overly pleased to discover that on his undershorts the next morning.

 

We are slowly rebuilding our marriage with a lot of counseling and much talking.

I did exact a bit of revenge on her, I emailed to all the scout moms that she was an immoral woman and that she cannot be trusted around married men.

And it felt wonderful!!

TFW

 

 

FaithfulWife,

My feelings exactly on half of the women involved in scouts.

 

My decision to have H and DS leave the cub scout troop was hard but for me, but very necessary. I considered leaving DS in the troop, having H remove himself, and me doing all the activities with DS, but I do not think I could handle having to see this woman several times a month. I am just not that strong.

 

The good thing is that DS will be ready for Boy Scouts in two years. I will have him join the BS Troop and won't have to deal with the bitch 'cause her son is two years younger...at least not until her son is BS age....but I am hoping (Dear God, please!) that by then (4 years later) it won't bother me (as much).

 

I wish you and your H a very successful recovery