hopesndreams Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 oh yes, and... a full test for all STD's before he is to come near me a visit with a psychiatrist (i do believe he needs some help and so does he) Absolutely!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 How about: -marriage counseling -creation of new boundaries that he sets in his interactions with other women to prevent this from happening again -agreemant to spend at least 15 hours/week together doing fun, enjoyable activities to rebuild our relationship (dates, movies, games, etc...) Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Heck, I should even ask for a new engagement and wedding ring. After all, he did vow the following to me: "I give you this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity, in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit" Haha, don't you all agree? Maybe I am taking it a bit too far! Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Heck, I should even ask for a new engagement and wedding ring. After all, he did vow the following to me: "I give you this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity, in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit" Haha, don't you all agree? Maybe I am taking it a bit too far! Maybe eventually you should ask for this, along with the new vows. If things are going well and he wants to recover your marriage. But your husband absolutely needs to want to do this, willingly, from his heart, on his own. Otherwise, the new vows/symbols will mean little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Yes, I know this, I was actually just having a little fun with it for a second. I haven't been able to be in anything other than agonizing pain so it was nice to throw a little joke in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I'm glad you are trying to inject a little humor into the situation! Laughter always helps! Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Well, I've just about given up hope! My husband is so confused and so all over the place that he literally can't even function right now. We went to MC tonight and I found out he has emailed the OW 3 times since I have found out about this. He is so depressed and angry that I really really think he needs some sort of help and some medication. Yesterday he told me he would do whatever it takes to get through this and then last night he saw an attorney. He begged me to back to MC bc he said plenty of people have gotten through this and he thought we could too and tonight at the session, he said 1/3 of him wants to work on this marriage and 2/3 of him isn't sure...what!?!? I have been the most loving and devoted wife that you will find to this man and even after what he's done to me, when he told me he needed help and wanted my help, I told him I care and love him very much and would never turn my back on him. At this point, he's just beginning to take advantage of me. There are plenty of men out there that will appreciate my love and devotion and my willingness to make a marriage work after very rocky times. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 This is a list of things I want from my husband to show me is willing to do anything to save our marriage and attempt to right his wrong: passwords to emails and phones ABSOLUTE NC WITH OW sincere letter of apology to my parents sincere letter of apology to his parents sincere letter of apology to mine and his brothers sincere letter of apology to me reassuring me daily it will never happen again truth to any questions i may want to know the answer to NEW VOWS FROM HIM (he broke his vows we made on our wedding day and they can never be unbroken again so, therefore, I want new ones that aren't broken full disclosure of his daily schedule so I can check for accuracy I'm still working on this... If I were him, I would have already done all of these without being asked! I probably missed something, but what do your parent, his parents or either of your brothers have to do with the affair? Why should he apologize to them? Also, why do you want the apology to you in a letter? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Well, I've just about given up hope! My husband is so confused and so all over the place that he literally can't even function right now. We went to MC tonight and I found out he has emailed the OW 3 times since I have found out about this. He is so depressed and angry that I really really think he needs some sort of help and some medication. Yesterday he told me he would do whatever it takes to get through this and then last night he saw an attorney. He begged me to back to MC bc he said plenty of people have gotten through this and he thought we could too and tonight at the session, he said 1/3 of him wants to work on this marriage and 2/3 of him isn't sure...what!?!? I have been the most loving and devoted wife that you will find to this man and even after what he's done to me, when he told me he needed help and wanted my help, I told him I care and love him very much and would never turn my back on him. At this point, he's just beginning to take advantage of me. There are plenty of men out there that will appreciate my love and devotion and my willingness to make a marriage work after very rocky times. Sorry this is happening to you. But, this is the sort of thing that happens when he is still in contact with OW. He will play this as long as he can until he is sure of what and who he wants. No amount of begging or telling him that you will never turn your back on him will help right now...it will only make him pull back. As I, and others, have stressed on here, you are not to be his doormat, he is not to play you, do not allow this to happen, do not let this continue. He will take advantage of you for as long as you allow him to. Pull back right now. MC is completely useless at this point in time. He is waffling, hedging, and has shown no re-commitment to the marriage. He is just looking for attention right now and seeing how far he can push you. You are heading toward being a basketcase. Take control of your life now and show him you are not a fool. It does not mean that by doing this you lose him forever but the path you are on now surely will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Because to me, the severity of his actions and the pain he's caused so many people deserve much much more than a simple, "I'm sorry". To me, that is not sincere. Maybe it's just me but even if I didn't want my marriage to work and I did what I did, I would be begging for forgiveness and apologizing profusely. He vowed in front of all of our families to be faithful to me and he has broken that. Both our families are disgusted and beyond angry with his actions...his mother will barely speak to him. I was like a daughter to them and they are horrified that their son has hurt me, our son, and the baby on the way the way he has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Well, I'm headed off to the last ultrasound of this pregnancy...alone! My husband had me schedule it for a time that he could make it but now claims he can't make it bc of a job meeting. Time to start moving forward and he may finally understand what he's losing...maybe not too! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 He doesn't understand what he is losing NOW. Go show him. Live life for you and your babies. He might come around, he might not. But by pulling away, being strong and independent it will help you cope much better if he doesn't come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 My husband called last night, he was here at our house doing some things around the house. When he was taking the garbage out he found my thread, "so heart broken" in the trash. I had printed it out to read over the advice a while back. He said that some of the posts in there hit the nail right on the head. There were a few people who suggested that my husband was extremely overwhelmed, stressed out, and not knowing what to do with so much responsibility (a wife, a house, a 2 yr old, and a baby on the way) so he looked for excuses to run to his parent's house where his mother could treat him like the child again. He said this was a lot of it, he felt like he had to grow up in high school. He told me he really wants help and thinks he needs it as well. He said everyone (his parents, myself, his family) keep telling him that this person they have known for the past 5-6 months is not who he is. He said he wants help before it's too late and before he loses me, his family, and everything. He said he wants help before he loses what is right for him and what he wants. We talked for an hour and he seemed pretty down...not sure what to make of this. I can't tell anymore what is sincere and what is just a game to keep me from actually filing the divorce papers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hopesndreams, you sound like such a strong person and I wish I had that quality right now. I want my marriage but I'm not willing to start moving forward without divorcing and allowing him to continue contact with this OW and then when he's done with her decide he wants me back. He either wants our marriage and not her and we move forward or he continues with his contact with her and we divorce...sounds simple but I need to actually put that in place. I'm not going to be played for a fool anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I'll give you one caution, broken. Don't pay attention to what he SAYS...pay attention to what he DOES. Actions speak louder than words, and say far more about personality and intentions. If he wants to do this...then his actions need to match his words. Otherwise...it's just words...which we all know are really nothing more than hot air. Set expectations...tell him what you expect...if he doesn't meet those expectations, you know where he's REALLY headed. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 There is a book out there that he might find useful. It's called "I Don't Want To Talk About It" by Terrence Real. It deals with depression in men. His depression is exhibited in such a way that is hurtful not just to himself, but to others. Being depressed doesn't mean sitting around and moping, it could also shows itself in ways of being destructive, as in his case, cheating. He needs to mature and put the little boy in him away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Yeah, for some reason last night and today I think it has finally started to hit home a little bit that the man I am so in love with is not here anymore. I don't know whether it's bc he has changed and this is who he is now or bc of a mental illness. If he is sick and needs some help, I will not turn my back on him but I will do this while I go on with my own life. I do believe he is very depressed and overwhelmed but that doesn't take away from the utter hell that he has put me and our children through the last 5 months. If he can grow up and get himself the help he needs than maybe we can be together again at some point down the road but at this moment, he's not ready or able to be a husband or good father. Gosh this sucks! I just got back from my ultrasound, my mother went with me! All I could think about the whole time is that I should not have to be there without my husband! I did not make this baby alone and I shouldn't have been left just mere weeks after finding out I was pregnant! It was his idea to start trying to have another baby, not mine. It took 5 months to conceive this baby...actively trying, it's not like it's something that just happened by accident! Anyway, the baby looks fine and healthy but I did lose 5 lbs in the last 4 weeks and that's not so good when you're 8 months pregnant! The doctor didn't seem to be concerned and I did ask him about how this incredible stress would affect the baby and he said it has no effect on the baby, the babie's health, or the babie's well being...THANK GOD!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Yeah, for some reason last night and today I think it has finally started to hit home a little bit that the man I am so in love with is not here anymore. I don't know whether it's bc he has changed and this is who he is now or bc of a mental illness. BH, this might be the perfect "tool" for you to use allow yourself to let go of your husband, by realizing that whoever he is now is so NOT the man you fell love with, married, and knew for the duration of your marriage. That man is gone from your life right now. This is how I finally, at the end, let my husband go...when I realized that who he had turned into was not someone I wanted in my life any longer. When you described how your husband has been acting, especially at MC, it is almost VERBATIM to what I went through last year. I could have typed your same post almost exactly at that time. Like you have said, I thought my husband also had some type of mental illness, I was almost sure of it. I had never seen someone change like that--I didn't know about the affair until the very end so I was completely clueless. I hadn't done any reading, I hadn't found a helpful place like LS, all I had was my friends and my IC to help me through. My friends were as clueless as me and my IC didn't realize what had really happened (the affair). The IC had only met my husband once and thought it was depression. So, what you are facing with your husband is not unheard of. Yes, he probably is dealing with depression. I hope he wakes up soon and realizes what he is about to lose. I hope he stops to talking to the OW-because that is where the confusion is coming from. Please take care of yourself...this is something I didn't do a good job at either during this time so I know how hard this is. Take care of your baby...let your mom help you out. I know first hand (except for being pregnant) how difficult your situation is right now with a husband who appears to have gone 'crazy.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Haha, I think, "gone crazy" is an understatement! He's about a day away from the looney bin! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 Well, it's my 5 year wedding anniversary today!!! Ridiculous, I know, but I still pray everyday for this to all be a nightmare and for my life to go back to the way it was a year ago. It was a horrible night and it's going to be a horrible day! Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Well, it's my 5 year wedding anniversary today!!! Ridiculous, I know, but I still pray everyday for this to all be a nightmare and for my life to go back to the way it was a year ago. It was a horrible night and it's going to be a horrible day! And it's most likely going to be a few horrible days/months/years until you admit to yourself that your marriage cannot be salvaged. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Because to me, the severity of his actions and the pain he's caused so many people deserve much much more than a simple, "I'm sorry". To me, that is not sincere. Maybe it's just me but even if I didn't want my marriage to work and I did what I did, I would be begging for forgiveness and apologizing profusely. He vowed in front of all of our families to be faithful to me and he has broken that. Both our families are disgusted and beyond angry with his actions...his mother will barely speak to him. I was like a daughter to them and they are horrified that their son has hurt me, our son, and the baby on the way the way he has. Absolutely, he can't get by with a simple "I'm sorry", but on the other hand, writing letters to family members doesn't accomplish fixing the matter at hand either. Resolving your marriage problems doesn't really have anything to do with your family, nor do their feelings of anger towards your H. Those relationships are completely separate relationships. They will resolve one way or the other regardless of what happens between the two of you. And believe me, his mother will once again speak to him, as will his brothers - your family may not. To make apologizing to family members a part of fixing the relationship between the two of you, however, seems to me to be over the top. From the sound of things, he's very messed up, and very depressed. Fixing things with you may right now seem to be an impossible task - one that he feels he will fail at - and therefore doesn't even think he should attempt. If as part of his task of fixing things with you, you add on that he must apologize and fix things with everyone else as well - you have multiplied the task that he already thinks he may fail at to the level where it almost undoubtedly feels impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 It's our 5 year anniversary today. Am I supposed to give my husband a card? I haven't heard from the SOB at all today. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 If it were me, no I wouldn't. He is treating you like cr$p so doesn't deserve anything from you. Start planning for you and the kids, concentrate on this. As Owl said look at his actions and not his words. Link to post Share on other sites
OFGnomore Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 This is how I finally, at the end, let my husband go...when I realized that who he had turned into was not someone I wanted in my life any longer. When you described how your husband has been acting, especially at MC, it is almost VERBATIM to what I went through last year. I could have typed your same post almost exactly at that time. Like you have said, I thought my husband also had some type of mental illness, I was almost sure of it. I had never seen someone change like that--I didn't know about the affair until the very end so I was completely clueless. I hadn't done any reading, I hadn't found a helpful place like LS, all I had was my friends and my IC to help me through. My friends were as clueless as me and my IC didn't realize what had really happened (the affair). The IC had only met my husband once and thought it was depression. ' I'm confused, I thought you were in reconcilation. Link to post Share on other sites
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