Advice about winning her back...

[willingtotry]

I'm going to try and sum this up as short and sweet as I can. Its really been a long year...

 

Been dating a girl (K), who works for the same company as myself for a year now. I had previously been with my ex for 6 years (we lived together). K and I have had our ups and downs, but it was mostly due to my stupidity with regards to my ex. K has always stated that she did not want a relationship with me, and was not looking for one. We behaved like a couple, everyone else thought we were one, but I kept hearing the same thing - WE ARE NOT A COUPLE!! I hated not knowing where we were going, especially with spending so much time together (5 out of 7 days a week).

 

Now I'll just get to the point of why K and I are where we are today. I had continued to communicate with my ex on and off. In July, I went to go see my ex to let her know how happy I was, that this new girl was really special to me and to tell her that we should just be friends. I don't know what prompted me to do this. I guess I also wanted to see if I still had strong feelings for my ex. While visiting my ex, something happened! It was not totally terrible, but it was bad.

 

The following day, my ex contacted me and asked to come over. I told her that I did not think it was a good idea due to what happened yesterday. K came over that day, and my ex showed up at my door a few minutes later. Let us just say that what was said was not pretty, and what happened the previous night was let out. I know it was extremely embarassing for K. I know that K was hurt. K told me later that she actually came over that day to let me know she was ready to step up our friendship to a true relationship.

 

Of course I was put on punishment by K. Things have never returned to their original level between us, because K thinks that I cannot let go of my ex. It has gone up a little, and then back down. Here we are in November, and we had a big fallout, and she told me its still really hard for her to trust me. She did say we will take it one day at a time. I try to do this, but it is so hard, especially wnen I know I am ready to completely give all of myself to her. I know I don't want to push her away by being too much.

 

What am I to do? I am so willing to give all of myself for K. I know I messed up, but my ex is a thing of the past. Do you think it is too late for I and K. It is so hard for me, not only do I think about K all the time, she also works in the same building with me. I really do love this girl. All throughout the time that K and I have dated I have been so unsure of where it was going, but there is one thing I am so sure of ---> I LOVE HER...

[Iamhappy]

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think things are going to work out between you and K.

 

I think she was your rebound and whether she was aware of it or not, she was using you to fill some void in her life.

 

She told you from the very beginning that she didn't want a relationship with you. I understand how confusing this message must have been considering how you both engaged in behaviour that had you and everyone else around you believing otherwise. However, her ambivalence about being in a relationship with you speaks volumes about her willingness (or lack thereof) to engage in something more meaningful with you.

 

Though I am inclined to agree from the way that you described things that the two of you were a couple, I think your partnership with K was based on deception - on both your parts.

 

I don't think you were over your ex when you started up with K. Why did you feel the need to tell your ex that you were so happy in your non-relationship with K? What kind of response were you looking for? To me, that sounds like a guy who's trying to make his ex jealous.

 

You yourself admit that you wanted to see if you still had strong feelings for ex and that something happened between the two of you. I'm guessing sex and if not, pretty darn near close to it.

 

Did you put a stop to it? My money's on no, not really. If you had, I hardly think the ex would have called you the following day asking to come over. If you were really serious about your non-relationship with K, I think your answer would have been much stronger than, "I don't think it's a good idea."

 

I think K is self-delusional as well. For an entire year she's been giving you mixed messages about whether or not you're in a relationship with her. And it was only later, "coincidentally," after the confrontation with your ex, that all of a sudden she is ready to step up the relationship from friendship to a true relationship. This is laughable since the two of you have been behaving like a couple for the last year.

 

And now, she's not ready to move to that next level. I have news for you buddy, I don't think she ever will be. The thing with your ex shook her up and she didn't want to lose you. At the same time, she doesn't really want to be with you.

 

I'm sure your feelings for K are real, but you sound like a guy who has nothing left and just wants to hold on to something. The ex is now gone so the only one left is the one yanking your chain.

 

You need to be single for a while.

[willingtotry]

I will have to agree with you completely... I just posted this on here to re-affirm what I expected to happen. I know that there was like a .0001% chance that things could work out between K and myself. I just felt like I wanted to vent since I know that I would have to work around this individual at some point. Lessons have been learned. I have seen myself at my best, and at my worst - seen quite a few of my weaknesses.

 

It is not a total loss, just one of the learning experiences that life has to offer. If I look at it from the beginning I was already rebounding, so basically the whole thing was a mess from the start because I did not give myself enough time to get over my ex. She was also very confusing in her actions and words which did nothing but complicate matters for either of us.

 

I will lay low for a while and if I do date, its going to be totally casual. Definitely nothing serious.