Viewpoints on sex seemingly different....can we overcome this?

[befuddled1]

My boyfriend and I have been together over a month, a very intense month.....we've spent countless hours on the phone, and in person, talking and getting to know one another..we're really able to just be ourselves with one another and we feel a real connection, and like we've known each other a lot longer.

 

One area of concern I have, however, is the fact that I think he and I have very different viewpoints on sex. He used to be wild in his younger days (he's mid 30s now), not even ashamed to admit he had a threesome when he was 24. Admitted he cheated on girlfriends when younger, too.....but he's examined "why" he did that, and is long past the need to cheat.

 

But....from the way he often crudely refers to sex, or sex acts...in his joking yet almost vulgar way, I get the impression sometimes that sex to him is nothing more than getting your rocks off.......that he's never experienced true "making love" and that if you were to ask him what "making love" was, he'd respond with, "f*cking."

 

He was quite surprised that i wouldn't hop into bed with him after our 2nd or 3rd date.....and I explained to him that sex means a lot to me, I don't just give it away.....and he said he respected me for that, but I could tell he was surprised all the same......causing me to think that in his past 2 long term relationships, sex occured very quickly.

 

I enjoy good aggressive, hormone-filled sex like the next girl........letting yourself completely go, dirty talk, etc........but not all the time. I don't get a sense from him that he'd even know HOW to 'make love'........about how to have slow, meaningful sex where you look deep into each other's eyes and you feel so emotionally and spiritually connected that you're overcome with emotion and might even cry...that you're just so "moved." Is this something a person can learn? Is this something I can, in time, teach him?

 

Also, he's very frank about sex.......and it got to the point where we were having a conversation about sex in general, and he was becoming almost too descriptive in telling me things he's done with past girlfriends...to the point where I had to speak up and tell him I wasn't comfortable "hearing" this kind of thing, that I felt it had no positive benefit in being discussed..that his past was his past and I didn't care to know the intimate details of it. He explained that he thought it was good for us to discuss these things, because that way we could each learn what the other "liked"..I explained to him that we could learn these things "together"..as we "go along".......just go with the flow and enjoy the discovery.

 

Am I just weird? Would other women not have a problem listening to their boyfriend telling them about things his past girlfriends did? Am I a prude or something? I've never thought of myself as a prude; very openminded, in fact........but I know enough not to ask the questions I dont' want to hear the answers to, and I see no benefit in knowing what things his past girlfriends did that drove him over the edge.

 

Sex to me is something special..........and I want sex with me (for him) to be something special....unlike anything he's ever had before........but if his views on sex are so cavalier, could that just be the way he is?

 

Thanks

[ThisGirlNameKD]

From the way your boyfriend is talking about sex, it does seem like both of you views on sex are completely different. They often say that with men, sex is all physical. But that's not always true. It can be emotional for some men too--but he if he never talks about sex in a serious manner (for e.g., using the proper sex organ names, and refer to sexual acts through the use of innuendos or euphemisms) it may be that he doesn't view sex very seriously or as seriously as you do, and it could be nothing more but something to get his rocks off, or just plain something to do for the heck of it. If you view sex more seriously, and conversation comes down to it, let him know how serious you view it, meaning, when he uses vulgar words let him know that you don't like it, and you prefer to use proper terms more than you prefer to hear the vulgar terms.

[befuddled1]

It's not just the frequent vulgar references to what he wants to do with/to me ...well, first of all, I am a little shocked by his early "frankness" in this regard. An example...we'll be joking around about something and he'll make some joke (but half serious?) about me giving him a blowjob. He's just really forward and I've been in relationships with really forward guys in the past, but they weren't THIS forward after only a month. It's like this is just common "talk" for him......and that sex really means nothing to him, it's just something two people do. I might not be explaining this well enough. He's just very bold in his talk.....and sometimes it's like all we ever end up talking about, is sex. If we spent as much time talking about other things as we do sex, that would be great. I told him from the start, that I didn't want to rush into "sex"...that I wanted us to take the time to really get to know one another.....that I believe that when a couple jumps into bed too soon, the natural course of getting to know each other is kind of disrupted and you miss some of the key steps along the way. He said he agreed, but that sure didn't stop him from trying to get me into bed.

 

He's always making comments about wanting to "f*ck" me, even when joking around. It's just so crude and leaves me sometimes even wondering how much I mean to him.....whether I'm mostly just a vagina to him.

 

I need to be with someone who will seduce and romance me...........it often feels like that will never happen because you'd expect a guy, I think, in the early stages of a relationship, to at least pretend to be romantic ....but he's not at all....he's just very forward and crude and talks dirty a lot.......so I wonder if it's even possible for him to ever be romantic? At this age, I don't really want to have to start all over in teaching a guy how to romance me or seduce me. At his age, he should know. He's been in several long term relationships in the past...if he doesn't know by now, will he ever? Was sex with them as coarse and bold as he wants it to be with me?

 

For instance, too, he can't just lie on the couch with me and snuggle..before you know it, he's on top of me, kissing me, and grinding himself into me. It's really just like sex means nothing to him. This bothers me.

 

Hope I'm making sense.

 

I just don't know if this is something we can work on or not......I can't change him into something else..he is what he is, but how do I really find out if he's capable of the type of intimacy I need and deserve?? That's the question, I guess.

[clia]

it often feels like that will never happen because you'd expect a guy, I think, in the early stages of a relationship, to at least pretend to be romantic ....but he's not at all....he's just very forward and crude and talks dirty a lot

 

This seems like a big old red flag to me. Have you slept with him yet?

 

I think it odd that there is this much reference to sex after only a month into the relationship.

 

I also think that if you want him to be romantic, you have to send off the vibe that romance is what you expect. That you are above all the other women he has previously dated, who allowed him to screw them and act this way around him. You are a lady. You do not put up with this kind of BS. By accepting his vulgar sex talk, you indicate to him that you are okay with it. If it were me, I would be really turned off, and I would either give him "a look" or change the subject immediately whenever he brought it up. Frankly, I find it rude and disgusting.

 

If you want to see his romantic side, stop the couch dates and only go out with him in public. See what kinds of dates he plans for you and what kind of effort he puts forth. Give him a kiss at the door at the end of the night and send him home. You will quickly find out what his true interests are by doing this. And if he doesn't like it...so what, you haven't lost anything.

 

It's very, very possible that the two of you are just not compatible in this sense, or that he's just a pig.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

befuddled1,

 

Some people just get older....NOT wiser. Thank yourself that you didn't have sex with him yet. I would be truly offended if a man told me he wanted f**k me when I hadn't known him that long. And if that's the majority of your conversation, that's all that on his mind. His graphic details of past relationships I suppose, is to get you hot and bothered so you'd eventually surrender and have sex with him. In answer to your earlier question, no you can't teach a man how to be romantic....romance comes out of love and respect, and if he just wants to f**k, there isn't much love there.