Is this love or lust? He lives far away.

[sarahsmithin]

Well we met about a year and a half ago.I met a guy in NYC when I was there for a trip for school. I met him at a bar and gave him my number and we ended up going out the next night and we really REALLY hit it off. We spent the rest of the wkend together. We had an amazing time together. When I had to leave on Saturday night to get on my flight I left and got out to the street and starting crying, it was a crazy feeling that I have never felt. -

 

We began emailing all the time and he would tell me the sweetest things, like how much he wanted me to be their with him in the hamptons and everything else, we would text email ALL the time. I really fell in love with him, and I am a hard cookie to crack.

 

He made a facebook so that he could be my friend and chat with him online while he was at work and everything.

(Just some background info as to how this started) I should also mention that he is 32 and i'm 24. & He has a very demanding career on and I'm still in college.

 

Well we finally met up again in chicago, I live in Michigan so it was a short way from me and he had a business conference aout 5 hours from there.

He rented a car and drove to meet me at the airport and we ended up having a great weekend getaway again. He told me that I had to come to NY to visit him and that he really had a great time with me. Well that was the last time we saw each other. We started talking about going to Miami for valentines day, but there was a death in his family and he had to leave and go back to where he is from so the trip never happened

 

So We haven't seen each other since October. We still email here and there but it isn't as much as we use to. The thing is, is that I'm in love with him. (am i crazy?) Ive never met someone before that I have felt this way towards, like we just fit together.

 

Recently he hasn't really contacted me as much besides telling me happy birthday or telling me his plans for the weekend, and so on. But I have to say that we were never officially together. We always use text/email/facebook to talk. We actually planned our trip to Chicago this way!! (I know, crazy right??) Well recently there has been this girl on facebook that has wrote things talking about there plans together for the night (i feel like she is trying to put it out there!! err) and telling him XOXO. It really really pisses me off (do i have a right to be mad) (does he know I am upset about that, without me saying anything?)

 

Anyways just wondering do you guys have any good advice, should I continue to pursue him or do I have my hopes high and I am going to get my heart broken?? It's such a weird situation.

 

Do you think he is just going to move on? The new girl is very pretty, i know that he would like her, am I screwed because I'm not there? 32 is about the age when you start to think about a family right?

Ok thanks for your help!!!

[carhill]

Two things:

 

First, you are saying you want to eventually have a family (or am I reading this wrong). Do you see yourself moving to NYC to do that?

 

Second, if you and/or he were serious, you'd be using the phone and/or video conferencing to communicate. I mean, technology has evolved so far beyond the love letters of my father and my fumbling attempts at audio IM'ing 15 years ago when international calls were completely unaffordable.

 

Lastly, the cab to the airport costs nearly as much as a plane flight between your two areas. If he's a man who shares your ideal of starting a family, with anyone, he will have to make the time in his aggressively pursued career to aggressively pursue a quality woman with whom to make quality babies.

 

Your opinion?

[sarahsmithin]

Well no I don't mean I want to start a family right now, but I am just wondering if im overreacting or not?

- My flight cost me ALOT of money almost $500, it was last minute ( i know I should I drove!!) the hotel that we stayed at probably cost about a grand, he paid, so i'm not sure.

I feel as though he has lost interest. I'm not sure. I feel as though we have both invested alot of time and money into this. Why do that for no reason? I guess that's my question.

Plus the texting and facebooking is just "what" we do. It is kind of romantic if you think about it. ? No?

[carhill]

LDR's, which are tenuous at best, should be predicated on shared philosophies, values and goals, besides the romance and attraction part. It's one thing to date someone locally and find out about them over a month or two of dating, but, with a LDR, such casual revelation is nearly impossible.

 

For example, my wife an I had a mini-LDR (about an hour drive) when we met years ago, so we got to know each other during the week on the computer, back when ICQ was the only chat platform around. We talked about all those important things, like religion, family, in-laws, children, etc. during those chats, along with banter and flirting and shared the chemistry and romance when in person.

 

FWIW, even at high summer fares, I can fly DTW-LGA (that's Detroit to New York LaGuardia) non-stop next Monday and stay for a week for 209.00 on American Airlines. That's what's known as a 7 day APEX fare. I could get into the mid 100's if two stops and/or purchased further in advance were available. Just sharing the practical side. Also, in a down market, you can Priceline a nice NYC hotel for dirt (under 100 bucks a night). Just sharing some of the tricks I learned being married to someone who liked seeing the world. Now I do it on my own.

 

Plus the texting and facebooking is just "what" we do. It is kind of romantic if you think about it. ?

 

I think it's a great way to communicate. Romance is a dinner cruise in NYC harbor and dancing under the stars with the lights of Manhattan in the background. Now you know how a 50 year old thinks.

[Lucky_One]

I don't think you are overreacting, but I don't really see much to overreact about.

 

He's 32 and single and sounds as though he has a good job. Seeing a girl that he really likes should be easily doable at least month a month for him. You haven't seen him since October, you don't talk on the phone (free long distance for nearly every cell company in the US with unlimited minutes after a certain hour), his contact with you has swindled to Happy Birthday greetings and stuff, he never tried to reschedule a cancelled trip from a "death" in 5 months, and he has an attractive woman talking about their nightly plans and signing XOXO on his wall.

 

He just isn't that into you, and you would do best to look for a local boy who is closer to your own age. Good luck.

[sarahsmithin]

Yes, I know it can be cheap to go see him, and I am a poor college student where as he is not, hedge fund guy. I dont care about the money though.

 

ughhh just so frustrated!

 

I almost cried when you mentioned dancing under the stars! It's so obvious in our pictures together how much chemistry we have, ITS SCARY!

 

He made the comment to me once that it was good that I am from a small town in michigan, what did he mean by that?

[Lucky_One]

Chemistry for a night doesn't always translate into chemistry for a lifetime.

 

If he felt as much chemistry as you do, he would make an effort to do more than text or FB you. Period. Exclamation point. Exclamation point.

 

Hedge funds? Yeah - even with the past year, he could afford to come see you or to fly you to NYC. But he doesn't want to. And now, it is apparent that he is dating someone locally.

[sarahsmithin]

Lucky One, I see your point totally. But, He does talk about us seeing each other again in our emails, he says he wants to see me soon, I guess I just think things should be advancing more than what they are. He does have a very demanding job, he travels ALOT, he is successful, handsome, and could be with any girl, basically. I just feel as though, I'm different, I met him before his big career change to his hedge fund. That's the thing, there is this undoubtable spark between us, that only he and I could know about. I'm just wondering, if thats it though. I'm just hoping someone else had this happen to them also.... but it's unlikely I know. It's so hard to explain.

 

I'm having a hard to opening up to him though and I don't want to be crazy and be like who is that girl! You know, I would imagine that would be a turn off???

[Lucky_One]

Sweetheart, I travel alot. My BF travels a lot. We fly to where the other person is. Period.

 

I know that you think you have this stupendous connection, but he doesn't even spend a minimum of time TALKING to you. You haven't seen him since October. He's dating someone.

[carhill]

If he is dating someone locally, and he's any kind of man, he should be straight-up with the OP. I had to do this, after meeting my wife, with someone with whom I had a LDR that included intimacy. It's the mature thing to do.

 

Reading more, I would advise you to go NC and get over the 'in love' part. Really hard to do. BTDT, with mixed results, so I can empathize.

 

Lucky's right about the travel part. This guy probably is sitting on a boatload of miles and hotel points and could fly you anywhere in the world without a care and put you up in a lovely hotel for free. I'm not rich by any stretch and have done this for years. It's a game. For him, it's business. If he was interested, he'd be available to you or bring you to him, no matter where in the world he is. Wish I had better news...

 

He made the comment to me once that it was good that I am from a small town in michigan, what did he mean by that?

A wild guess is that, having the values and psychology of a small town person, you were more appealing to him over the complex, harried and biotchy women inhabiting NYC. I see this disparity whenever I travel to NYC or meet up with friends there. The women are just, well, they're just not my type

[sarahsmithin]

Then why stay in contact with me still, tell me about his life and work. Why say he still wants to see me. His grandmother really did die... I looked it up on the internet. Why go through all the trouble for nothing, like I said, I'm sure he dates other girls. It just annoys me because he uses f-book to add old friends and new ones and to chat with me, not to write on walls and post pic's and all that stupid stuff.... The girl that wrote on his wall wrote, " I hope you had a good weekend, XOXO" Over the 4th. Well he obviously wasn't with her, right??? He told me he let his plans go by the wayside and drove his new motorcycle around all day... He wasn't lying obviously.

 

Don't you think maybe he is just waiting for me to finish college, and maybe go from there with him.... he not an idiot, he wouldn't settle for just any girl, he is not a typical guy in any sense. He would have been married already.

[sarahsmithin]

-Maybe I just need more confidence and I need to be more aggressive, he did tell me that at one point.

 

I just have no confidence when it comes to him, I'm scared of him, point blank.... It's weird.

 

I'm not usually like this....

[Lucky_One]

No, I don't think maybe he is waiting for you to finish college.

 

Do you think something will magically happen when you have a diploma and he will suddenly start asking you to come see him?

 

He sees you as as friend, so he still tells you whats going on. Maybe he should quit, as Carhill suggests, but he might really believe that there is nothing to "explain" as you are not in a romantic relationship with each other.

[carhill]

Time and life experiences will teach the relationship between words and actions. This man is saying the words but his actions are not matching up. A mature man matches what he says with what he does. If you were my daughter, I'd be talking to you exactly like Lucky is.

 

This experience (and I've had many, if you were to reverse the genders) is just a tiny part of your journey in life. Sometimes, such things work out; sometimes not. Be aware that your energy and interest here prevents you from seeing the reality of a compatible man who might be standing right next to you tomorrow.

 

When I was your age, I did what I now call 'pedestal-building', putting a woman on a pedestal. Probably one of the most unhealthy behaviors I ever exhibited in the arena of relationships. Kept me single and alone for many years. I would not want that to happen to you. Hope that makes sense

[Island Girl]

If he felt as much chemistry as you do, he would make an effort to do more than text or FB you. Period. Exclamation point. Exclamation point.

 

Nothing to add. This says it all.

 

I'm having a hard to opening up to him though and I don't want to be crazy

 

Did you sleep with him?

 

 

I know that you think you have this stupendous connection, but he doesn't even spend a minimum of time TALKING to you.

 

Exactly.

 

There is no excuse as to why he could not be calling you and talking with you.

 

And if he has the money, which you said he does, then he'd be flying to see you or flying you to see him.

 

he might really believe that there is nothing to "explain" as you are not in a romantic relationship with each other.

 

Too true Lucky_One.

 

 

Time and life experiences will teach the relationship between words and actions. This man is saying the words but his actions are not matching up. A mature man matches what he says with what he does. If you were my daughter, I'd be talking to you exactly like Lucky is.

 

OP I hope you are listening.

 

ALWAYS - ALWAYS make sure a mans words match up with his actions. This advice will serve you well in relationships.

 

When I was your age, I did what I now call 'pedestal-building', putting a woman on a pedestal. Probably one of the most unhealthy behaviors I ever exhibited in the arena of relationships. Kept me single and alone for many years. I would not want that to happen to you. Hope that makes sense

 

Listen to carhill. He is very right.

[sarahsmithin]

I can't help how I feel about him.

 

Well my parents think I should continue to pursue him.

Although my mother does think that he won't settle for just any girl. Which would make sense that he hasen't had a gf since i have met him.

Also his mother really likes me even though we have only talked on the phone, she wanted me to take alot of pictures so she could see them ( I don't imagine he lets girls that he just slightly is interested in talk to his mom.... )

 

He is just so different, a league of his own. Ive dated a million guys, I'm a pretty girl, besides the point. I know I'm not missing out on other guys, trust me if I could find "HIM", here then I would love that. Love is never simple, though. Maybe that's the best part of it, maybe??

 

Well thanks for the responses, although I'm not sure it got me anywhere. I enjoy oppinions and learned some good things. Thanks.

[Lucky_One]

Your parents think you should pursue WHAT?

 

A friendship with some guy that you saw back in October? That's great, I think my child should pursue friendships, too.

 

But I wouldn't encourage my child to maintain a romantic crush on someone who is not giving back romantic signals.

[sarahsmithin]

I do have to add, you guys seem hung up that we don't talk on the phone, it's my choice to, we just text and email. We planned a whole trip VIA email. It worked out perfectly. It's just something we do, has nothing to do with how he feels about me, or vice versa.

 

I know he isn't perfect, never said he was, but we have chemistry like no one else i have met in my life..... just how it is.

 

Anyways, I feel like I'm just defending myself.

[Lucky_One]

The biggest question you need to ask yourself - would HE be defending this friendship so strongly?

[sarahsmithin]

My mom just knows me, I don't fall for guys.

And I should add.... I go to college, I can't just leave here whenever I want, he has a career, we both have schedules and obligations. It's not easy and I wouldn't let him pay for everything anyway.

[sarahsmithin]

Geez, tough crowd. haha. No, my mom dosen't think I should not like him anymore because of some girl that wrote on his wall, basically why I got upset.

-- and NO, he wouldn't ever post stuff about us on some blog, GOOD POINT! I think I just answered my own questions. THANKS!

 

Really good point actually, I'm just over-reacting.

[sarahsmithin]

ikiioiuoiuoiouiiuoioiouiouio

[carhill]

OP, work this conundrum. I'm in the middle of a divorce and I'm giving you advice about scrutinizing a man and his motives. Think about that, carefully. I'm sharing the insides of how a man thinks and feels. I hope you find it instructive.

 

You're right. No relationship is perfect all the time. If you had consistent physical contact with this man, exchanged intimacies and shared your psyches and bodies, you might be in one of those imperfect relationships. Sadly, much as I experienced as a young man, this is not one of them. Wish I had better news....

[Lucky_One]

I don't mean would he go on a website and write about you.

 

I mean if he told someone about your friendship, and his friend said, "Dude, she sounds like a nice girl and all, but you two don't ever do anything so I don't think it's much of a relationship", would he be going on and on about how important the texts are and the FB connection and how the connection is just unreal? Or would he say, "Yeah, you're right. How about them Yankees?"

[Lucky_One]

My mom just knows me, I don't fall for guys.

And I should add.... I go to college, I can't just leave here whenever I want, he has a career, we both have schedules and obligations. It's not easy and I wouldn't let him pay for everything anyway.

 

Then how do you THINK people carry on successful, happy and healthy LRD? They juggle the career and the schooling, and they make the relationship a top priority.

 

He isn't making your friendship a priority.

 

Although - I get the idea that you aren't hearing this anyway. Good luck with everything!