muse08 Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Hello all. I'm female/straight btw, but one of my closest male friends since high school has been in and out of relationships for years now. To look at him you may wonder why he hasn't connected with a female seriously and started a family or at least stayed with one female longer than a year. The females he does date are always the same type, i.e. what a magazine might say is "beautiful". Very thin with long hair. He's had very short relationships with females whose beauty that does not conform to society's standard. However, he never stays with them. Instead he finds a reason why she's not right for him...He's in his mid 30s, attractive, built,very athletic and masculine but always seems to find something wrong with the females he dates. He has plenty of guy friends and even still has a male roommate. He seems to avoid real topics and real time with his closest family and friends, me being one of them. My concern is that I want him to feel comfortable enough to talk about this rather than holding it in and still being with women if he having conflicting desires and actions...This is so dangerous and is having a negative impact on woman today. This last female he started dating is a relative of mine! What signs should she be looking for. She does suspect him as possibly being gay...Please help with your feedback. Thank you~ Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 The only concrete evidence is seeing him kissing another guy or if he directly comes out to you. Anything else is just pure speculation. And the evidence you are presenting is very weak at best. Heck, by those standards 95% of LS is gay. Perhaps he's being overly picky with the girls he dates? Perhaps it's the girls. Could be both. Why does this concern you so much? Do you want to pin him down and water board him to find out of he is gay? If he is, would that change anything? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Being in your thirties and still single, isn't an indicator of homosexuality. Also preferring thin, long-haired girls isn't an indicator either. DON'T pressure him to talk about it. IF he's gay or bi, he has to be ready to come out of the closet himself, considering the amount of ostracizing, someone gay has to put up with. I can only speak about my own gaydar. It has yet to be wrong. Get her to review the accuracy of her own gaydar and if it's been bang on, she's probably right again and should trust it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 @WTRANGER<...no i don't want to pin him down and interrogate him. He's now dating a relative of mine and I'm concerned...plain and simple I have brought it up lightly to him,but I didn't want to carry it too far in fear of causing the very same reaction that you have just had. I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I won't apologize for asking for feedback. Women, especially we black women, ask these questions all the time because we can very seldom get the truth, especially as women in the lives of these men who have not yet decided whether or not they want to be with the female or male gender OR who are too macho to admit that they are putting their female partner's life at risk. As I stated...this is the part that I mentioned being dangerous...ok! Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Well is he black and if so has been incarcerated before? A lot of guys become gay in the system and when they get out they live on the DL Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 If he's not openly gay, IMO don't assume anything. Just go with the flow. Time reveals all truths. Appearances are not always what they seem. I might be kissing my best friend, but I'm looking down his wife's top Humorous, but I hope you get my point. Male (and female) behavior is a unique as each of us. A lot of guys become gay in the system and when they get out they live on the DL Wow, really? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Do you have any gay male friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author muse08 Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 ...thanks for the question B4REVENGE. he is black, but never been incarcerated. however, race brings about another interesting issue. i'm heterosexual and have a few gay friends who are comfortable being open, but in the black community black men do not feel comfortable at all being honest about their homosexuality. this is my main reason for posing this question here in this forum. the average black man will not come out and say he's gay until it's too late because he is afraid of the ostracism he will receive from his family,friends, church,etc...which is sad,yet true. people need to start realizing that it's better to know.but men will not tel us if we make them feel like they are less of a person because of his sexuality. whether it's my choice or not,i feel like it's worse when a man has negatively affected women he's dated by living on the DL. Link to post Share on other sites
Yellowboy Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 This doesn't reveal anything about him being gay at all. Like someone already said, that would mean most of us here are gay then! I have a friend slightly older than who you're talking about. He dates a lot of women, and some are extremely attractive and smart. Yet he tries to find something wrong with them and just stops dating her. Maybe he is picky, but there's no evidence for me to point out that he's gay at all. I think some guys are just extremely, extremely picky. It's a shame though. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWhite Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Well is he black and if so has been incarcerated before? I don't know how to react to the above statement/question. Anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 He seems to avoid real topics and real time with his closest family and friends, Perhaps that is why he has trouble maintaining relationships with women. It seems he has that problem with everyone - he doesn't like people getting too close. Maybe he has intimacy issues. Or commitment issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I don't know how to react to the above statement/question. Anyone? Plain ignorant. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWhite Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Plain ignorant. Who? You GOT to be more specific. Link to post Share on other sites
green_tea Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Who? You GOT to be more specific. I think she means the person who wrote that, "burning 4 revenge". I just saw this thread now, saw the comment and was about to say something about it. I'm glad others have already done so. A person is black, and automatically the next question is has he been in jail???? And why didn't the original poster find this question offensive?? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 You know what Muse? If your gut is telling you that something is off then listen to it. There is alot in your first post that gives one pause. Straight or gay. If your gut is questioning a potential romantic relationship then go with that instinct. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I doubt it's his sexuality. He sounds like a commitment-phobe. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Edit to add to relay the sentiment to your relative. Link to post Share on other sites
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