konfuzd Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 My bf's best friend/roommate is a scumbag. Over the last few months, he's been with this really nice girl. I've got to know her and respect her as she's joined our circle of friends. From talking to her, and seeing them together, it seems as though she's completely oblivious to the fact that he's screwing around with at least 2 other girls regularily plus random hook ups. I have been at the house a couple times when he has other girls over, and my bf has told me to just keep it on the down low. I don't feel right about it, being armed with this information and watching it continue. I feel sorry for the poor girl. The other day, I came over, and she was washing dishes, some of which he had used to cook another woman dinner. When she's not around, he brags to my bf about his exploits. I had to tell bf not to tell me about it anymore because it makes me sick, and uncomfortable around the other couple. I told bf I want to say something out of respect for this girl and he said he would be mad at me if I did. He said It's not my business, and he will stick up for his "bro" even if he doesn't agree with what he's doing. I'm stuck in this really awkward situation. I don't want to see her continue to be betrayed, but I also don't want to stir things up with bf or his roomie, because that leads to more discomfort and could ruin my relationship. I really want to set him up to get caught without him or bf knowing that it's me. Any ideas on how to go about this? or should I just leave it be? Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Wow, that is pretty messed-up. I can see where things could be completely destroyed if you tell this girl--her BF would be pissed at you and in turn pissed off at your BF and could quite possibly kick him out over it. Your relationship could be ruined, like you said. But then again, you just feel so disgusted and overwhelmed with pity for this girl. It's really hard...your boyfriend said it's "none of your business" but you said in your post that you had to tell him not to tell you about it anymore--he's made it your business by telling you about it! And his roommate has made it your business by having other girls over while you're over at their place! This guy must have some big brass ones to do that and expect neither you nor your boyfriend to tell his girlfriend about his nasty cheating ways. Do you know anything about their living situation, like how the rent/other bills are split; whose name(s) are on the lease, or if it's month-to-month? Does your BF's roommate have the ability to force your BF out if it came to that? If so, then I can sort of understand why your BF would be upset with you if you said anything. It's tempting to tell the girl about her scumbag BF, but think--are you prepared to deal with the fallout? Are you prepared to have not just one or two, but possibly three people very upset with you? Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I really want to set him up to get caught without him or bf knowing that it's me. Any ideas on how to go about this? or should I just leave it be? Don't make an intrigue out of it. Just tell the other girl the truth. If you are too weak or scared to do it right, then don't do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
serialgf Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 actually, i would be more concerned with the fact that your BF is so protective of the cheating roomie... i mean, to me that would make me think twice about BF's morals and whether he himself would do something like that i don't know... maybe that's just me... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Yikes! You're pretty much between a rock and a hard place, yes? I think what I'd do is sit both the roomies down together and say that I intend to tell 'sweet girl' by such-and-such a date. And I intend to do that because I need to, and will, uphold my OWN values and integrity before anything else. That is. Give 'scumbag' a chance to do his own dirty work but, if he won't, do not compromise your own values and standards. Have your b/f there so 'scumbag' can't give him false info, and also so that b/f can learn what you stand for and that you are willing to speak out and take action for it. Very tough position that you are in! Hugs, and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 actually, i would be more concerned with the fact that your BF is so protective of the cheating roomie... i mean, to me that would make me think twice about BF's morals and whether he himself would do something like that i don't know... maybe that's just me... I was going to say this. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Yikes! You're pretty much between a rock and a hard place, yes? I think what I'd do is sit both the roomies down together and say that I intend to tell 'sweet girl' by such-and-such a date. And I intend to do that because I need to, and will, uphold my OWN values and integrity before anything else. That is. Give 'scumbag' a chance to do his own dirty work but, if he won't, do not compromise your own values and standards. Have your b/f there so 'scumbag' can't give him false info, and also so that b/f can learn what you stand for and that you are willing to speak out and take action for it. I second this. By doing this, you're giving that disgusting guy a chance to come clean himself, and if he doesn't, once everything hits the fan neither he nor your BF could say that they weren't warned. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 actually, i would be more concerned with the fact that your BF is so protective of the cheating roomie... i mean, to me that would make me think twice about BF's morals and whether he himself would do something like that i don't know... maybe that's just me... I agree with this. If my SO knew his friend was cheating and was not only condoning it but telling me he'd be mad at me for saying anything, it'd pretty much confirm that he was NOT the right person for me. Integrity is of the utmost importance to me in both myself and the people I date or am friends with. Frankly, I would be unsuccessful at not smarting off to your bf's friend every time I saw him, and I'd embarass him in front of the other girls he had over. Are they being lied to as well? Do they even know he has a gf? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I'm stuck in this really awkward situation. I don't want to see her continue to be betrayed, but I also don't want to stir things up with bf or his roomie, because that leads to more discomfort and could ruin my relationship. I really want to set him up to get caught without him or bf knowing that it's me. Any ideas on how to go about this? or should I just leave it be? Put some thought to it. If this were me and one of my guy friends... I would find some way to tell him. Either anonymously or damn the consequences... and I know my friends would tell me. That is how the brotherhood works. What you do is totally up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 My bf's best friend/roommate is a scumbag. Over the last few months, he's been with this really nice girl. I've got to know her and respect her as she's joined our circle of friends. From talking to her, and seeing them together, it seems as though she's completely oblivious to the fact that he's screwing around with at least 2 other girls regularily plus random hook ups. I have been at the house a couple times when he has other girls over, and my bf has told me to just keep it on the down low. I don't feel right about it, being armed with this information and watching it continue. I feel sorry for the poor girl. The other day, I came over, and she was washing dishes, some of which he had used to cook another woman dinner. When she's not around, he brags to my bf about his exploits. I had to tell bf not to tell me about it anymore because it makes me sick, and uncomfortable around the other couple. I told bf I want to say something out of respect for this girl and he said he would be mad at me if I did. He said It's not my business, and he will stick up for his "bro" even if he doesn't agree with what he's doing. I'm stuck in this really awkward situation. I don't want to see her continue to be betrayed, but I also don't want to stir things up with bf or his roomie, because that leads to more discomfort and could ruin my relationship. I really want to set him up to get caught without him or bf knowing that it's me. Any ideas on how to go about this? or should I just leave it be? I would just tell. His friend might be pissed at you but who cares about that, sounds like an ass anyway. I can't say what your boyfriend's reaction would be but it seems like he's just concerned about not getting his friend mad at him, and since he's not saying anything I'd imagine he won't be mad for very long. Link to post Share on other sites
ybot Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Aren't there anonymous ways to tell the girl? (through facebook or something) That way she finds out the truth without everything falling back onto you. I am actually in a similar situation, where my good friend is cheating on her bf. Although I don't know the bf personally like you do, I just feel like he deserves to know the truth. However telling the bf the truth would affect the relationship with my good friend so..... Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I think your BF is a scumbag too for condoning this crap. Birds of a feather flock together. Your BF probably does the same thing and maybe she even knows about it. Us ladies need to start looking out for each other. The guys seem to do it with no problem. I would tell her and kick your BF to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I told bf I want to say something out of respect for this girl and he said he would be mad at me if I did. He said It's not my business, and he will stick up for his "bro" even if he doesn't agree with what he's doing. So why is your BF allowed to "stick up for his bro" but YOU'RE not allowed to stick up for your new friend - whose being completely disrespected by her loser boyfriend? If nothing else, this creep is taking horrifying chances with HER sexual health. I don't care if HIS d*ck rots off (and hopefully, it does) but it's not right - or ethical - that he's visiting this bullcrap on an innocent person. What a tool. Can't you find an anonymous way to tell her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 actually, i would be more concerned with the fact that your BF is so protective of the cheating roomie... i mean, to me that would make me think twice about BF's morals and whether he himself would do something like that i don't know... maybe that's just me... It's totally unfair to make assumptions on my BF's behaviour. He does not condone what his friend is doing. He tells me I shouldn't tell because he knows it would cause tensions within his household and just wants to keep the peace. He doesn't want to rat out his friend because they have been buddies since third grade, and he's seen many girls come and go out of this dirtbag's life. They are not the type of guys to talk about their feelings with eachother, but bf will open up to me. Usually when he talks to me, it's about his discomfort with the situation. These two guys have a lot in common, but they are still individuals who were raised with different values, and although bf won't rat out his friend, it doesn't make him a cheater, and I have no doubt in my mind of his loyalty to me. This is not the question at hand, and I'd appriciate if we coud just focus on my situation with the other couple. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 What his friend is doing is wrong but stay out of it. That is his friend who has been there for him longer than any woman has and he is right for not ratting him out. If you had a friend who was cheating on a man you would be doing the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 What his friend is doing is wrong but stay out of it. That is his friend who has been there for him longer than any woman has and he is right for not ratting him out. If you had a friend who was cheating on a man you would be doing the same thing. This is crap; nothing personal. Any guy I date better not condone his friend's cheating. I wouldn't stay friends or girlfriend to someone who didn't speak up for right and wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 This is crap; nothing personal. Any guy I date better not condone his friend's cheating. I wouldn't stay friends or girlfriend to someone who didn't speak up for right and wrong. How would you react if your friend were cheating on a man? Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 How would you react if your friend were cheating on a man? My best friend in high school was cheating on her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, and I told him. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 My best friend in high school was cheating on her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, and I told him. At least you are not a hypocrite about it. I just believe that friends come first and even if the guys are doing things I don't condone they are still like family to me. Link to post Share on other sites
bean1 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Wow, well having been "that girl" in the past (the one who was being cheated on), it really REALLY hurt to know that some female "friends" knew but didn't tell me to "spare my feelings". I really wish someone had told me. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 At least you are not a hypocrite about it. I just believe that friends come first and even if the guys are doing things I don't condone they are still like family to me. So if you had a family member that was doing drugs or something else "wrong", you would just let them keep doing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 My bf's best friend/roommate is a scumbag. Over the last few months, he's been with this really nice girl. I've got to know her and respect her as she's joined our circle of friends. From talking to her, and seeing them together, it seems as though she's completely oblivious to the fact that he's screwing around with at least 2 other girls regularily plus random hook ups. I have been at the house a couple times when he has other girls over, and my bf has told me to just keep it on the down low. I don't feel right about it, being armed with this information and watching it continue. I feel sorry for the poor girl. The other day, I came over, and she was washing dishes, some of which he had used to cook another woman dinner. When she's not around, he brags to my bf about his exploits. I had to tell bf not to tell me about it anymore because it makes me sick, and uncomfortable around the other couple. I told bf I want to say something out of respect for this girl and he said he would be mad at me if I did. then maybe you ought to get mad at your bf. he is protecting this jerk. and birds of a feather flock together. next time he brings something up, you ought to get really mad and say, "if you aren't going to do anything about it and keep letting this poor girl become a victim for your scumbag friend.....then KEEP YOUR F#####G MOUTH SHUT TO ME ABOUT IT". And I'd let him know that you want nothing to do with the jerk. If he comes over, you will be excusing yourself to somewhere else. He said It's not my business then why is he telling you? and he will stick up for his "bro" even if he doesn't agree with what he's doing. like I said, birds of a feather flock together....hes probably thinking "bros before hos" too. Did you ever ask him why he doesn't say, "dude, if you aren't going to respect the girl, then break it off with her". ? I'm stuck in this really awkward situation. I don't want to see her continue to be betrayed, but I also don't want to stir things up with bf or his roomie, because that leads to more discomfort and could ruin my relationship. oh, forgot he is a roomie of this jerk. Does your bf and this jerk go out and party together? i wouldn't be too damn happy about that if it is the case. I really want to set him up to get caught without him or bf knowing that it's me. Any ideas on how to go about this? or should I just leave it be? you definitely don't leave it be. that would be a terrible thing to let happen to this poor girl. does anyone else know? or just you and your bf? I bet if this scumbag likes to brag, your bf isn't the only one that knows. if thats the case, TYPE an anonymous letter to the girl and let her know. I don't usually condone it, but if your bf asks if you wrote the letter if the scum says something....deny it. Your bf isn't too hip on the truth anyway, so he doesn't need to know you did it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Your bf isn't too hip on the truth anyway, Bingo. This is a pretty major problem too, for reasons already explained. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 So if you had a family member that was doing drugs or something else "wrong", you would just let them keep doing it? I have friends that are into that plus doing all types of stuff and talking to them will not get them to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 My best friend in high school was cheating on her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, and I told him. How did your friend react to this? Link to post Share on other sites
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