Want to tell

[konfuzd]

My bf does not condone his friend's behavior. He does not participate in the same lifestyle. He and scumbag will play sports together, and they will only go out in the evenings when it's a large group, or if I am with him. He won't go out to the bars or to parties with his roomie. He has told me several times that he isn't 100% comfortable in his living arrangement because of these differences, but it was the best option for him before we are ready to move in together.

 

When he brings anything up to me, it will be in the sense that scumbag has had another girl over and he doesn't understand why he bothers to get into a 'relationship' with a girl if he's not planning on being faithful, or how he wishes he didn't know what was going on because his friend is putting him in an awkward situation. He doesn't talk to him because he is afraid it will cause tension between them, they don't ever talk about their feelings. He won't tell the girl because he feels like it's betraying his friend.

 

I truly think if bf was being unfaithful, he would try to hide his friend's behavior as well, and not openly talk about what he's doing and how it makes him uncomfortable having these different girls over.

 

I have never had contact with this girl other than when she is accompanying scumbag to some social event or hanging out at the house. I don't even know how I would bring it up, if I were to tell her.

[konfuzd]

Bingo. This is a pretty major problem too, for reasons already explained.

 

I have talked to bf in the past about this very thing. His response is that these guys have been friends since third grade. If this guy commited a felony, he would be in court with an alibi for him even if he knew he was guilty. Whether or not he agrees with the decisions his friend makes, he'll always be there to stand beside him, as he would for me or anyone else he loves. He feels his loyalty towards loved ones stands above and beyond any fleeting relationship or anything else.

 

Again, I keep repeating myself, but the issue at hand is not between me and my bf, or whether he is faithful to me. Of that I have no doubt. The issue for me is standing up for my own moral judgement to this other couple. If I were in the gf's shoes, I would want to know. I am looking for advice on whether to tell her and how I should go about it.

[stace79]

How did your friend react to this?

 

My friend was rightfully upset that I "betrayed" her confidence, but she got over it. She knew she was in the wrong, and she knew that she needed to end that relationship anyway. To me, it was sort of like the mother bird who gives the baby a gentle nudge out of the nest.

 

I have never had contact with this girl other than when she is accompanying scumbag to some social event or hanging out at the house. I don't even know how I would bring it up, if I were to tell her.

 

The difference, then, between the two of our situations is that I was pretty good friends with my best friend's bf on whom she cheated. If I only knew him through her, and never spoke to him outside of contact with her, I wouldn't have told. If I truly consider someone a friend though, I wouldn't want them treated that way.

 

Edit: Even if I didn't tell the person being cheated on, I would still encourage my friend to quit the bad behavior and let them know bluntly that I don't condone it.

 

I have talked to bf in the past about this very thing. His response is that these guys have been friends since third grade. If this guy commited a felony, he would be in court with an alibi for him even if he knew he was guilty. Whether or not he agrees with the decisions his friend makes, he'll always be there to stand beside him, as he would for me or anyone else he loves. He feels his loyalty towards loved ones stands above and beyond any fleeting relationship or anything else.

 

This concerns me. I appreciate the fact that he would stand by his friends no matter what. But sometimes "standing by your friends" means having the difficult conversations with them when they are doing wrong. Sort of like when a family member is an addict. The intervention counselors tell you flat out that you can love and support someone, but you absolutely cannot support their bad behavior. There is a distinction.

 

He can still care about his friend, while at the same time speaking up against his wrong, insensitive and frankly despicable behavior. He is not ony putting his own health at risk by sleeping around, but he is putting at risk the health of others, some who have no idea I'm sure about his promiscuity.

[Dexter Morgan]

I truly think if bf was being unfaithful, he would try to hide his friend's behavior as well, and not openly talk about what he's doing and how it makes him uncomfortable having these different girls over.

 

my comments weren't to insinuate that your bf is being unfaithful.

 

But what you said above isn't really true. I can tell you from experience my cheating xW would tell stories of how it disgusted her about someone else in town cheating(mainly when men would cheat). And in hindsight, she would put down the couple of guys she screwed and even would say she despises them for being dogs.

 

Its called suspicion deflection. If a cheater can make you think that they don't approve of that behavior, then you will think that they aren't capable of it themselves.

 

but again, not saying your bf is doing this, but I bet he doesn't openly criticize his roomie when he tells these stories.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have talked to bf in the past about this very thing. His response is that these guys have been friends since third grade. If this guy commited a felony, he would be in court with an alibi for him even if he knew he was guilty. Whether or not he agrees with the decisions his friend makes, he'll always be there to stand beside him, as he would for me or anyone else he loves. He feels his loyalty towards loved ones stands above and beyond any fleeting relationship or anything else.

 

Again, I keep repeating myself, but the issue at hand is not between me and my bf, or whether he is faithful to me. Of that I have no doubt. The issue for me is standing up for my own moral judgement to this other couple. If I were in the gf's shoes, I would want to know. I am looking for advice on whether to tell her and how I should go about it.

 

all this being the case, if you don't inform this poor girl that she is being played by this scumbag, then tell your bf that if he isn't going to say something or do anything about it, and wants you to keep your mouth shut, that he should shut his mouth about it to you.

 

Tell him if he isn't going to let you do anything about it to shut up about it.

[konfuzd]

So, I decided to have a talk with BF about this.

 

He told me that scumbag justifies his actions by avoiding the 'exclusivity' talk with the girl. To me, it is implied when you start referring to someone as your "girlfriend/boyfriend". To him, he has mastered the art of manipulation to deter his own guilt.

 

I told BF that I planned on letting the girl in on this information. To try to avoid any tension, I wouldn't specifically rat him out, but at least lead her into approaching the exclusivity issue to at the very least make scumbag deal with it face to face. BF said he would understand if I had to do this and he would support me. I also told him that if there are any more shady goings on with this guy just to leave me out of it, I don't want to know.

 

I have enough anger and resentment towards this guy which has been built up from past issues that anymore knowledge of his deception may drive a wedge between me and BF. I already feel uncomfortable being in the house when scumbag is there.

[sweetjade0327]

actually, i would be more concerned with the fact that your BF is so protective of the cheating roomie... i mean, to me that would make me think twice about BF's morals and whether he himself would do something like that

 

i don't know... maybe that's just me...

 

no it isn't...i was thinking the same exact thing....

[Woggle]

Why do I get the feeling that if one your friends was cheating on a man you would have no issue with it? Like him or not this guy is his friend who has been there much longer than you have so it is not a good idea for you to get in between them. A long time friend is like family and people usually love their family despite the flaws.

[konfuzd]

I really wish people would stop judging my BF. Like a broken record, he does not condone scumbag's behavior. In our conversation, he told me he hopes the guy gets caught. He's just not going to be the one to rat him out because it would be a betrayal of their friendship.

 

You can't judge someone by their friend's behavior. His friend knows what he's doing is wrong, he's not stupid. He is not going to change his behavior for anyone but himself. No matter what happens, he'll go off and do the same things again if he wants to, he'll just be sneakier about it.

 

BF has told this guy that his actions are weak, but he's not going to rat him out. That in no way means BF is untrustworthy towards me.

 

I have keys to BF's house, I have all his e-mail passwords, he doesn't go out and party like his friend does. He has done nothing to make me suspicious of him.

 

Do none of you who have judged my BF have friends who participate in behavior you don't agree with? Do you go rat them out every time? If you do, I doubt you have many friends.

[konfuzd]

Why do I get the feeling that if one your friends was cheating on a man you would have no issue with it? Like him or not this guy is his friend who has been there much longer than you have so it is not a good idea for you to get in between them. A long time friend is like family and people usually love their family despite the flaws.

 

I don't know that any of my friends have cheated on their partners. I did however have a close friend who was knowingly sleeping with a taken man. I did confront her on several occations telling her that what she was doing was wrong. I wouldn't rat her out to the other girl, but I kept on her case about ending the affair.

 

I know men and women are different and have different bonds to their friends. I don't expect BF to rat out a friend. My issue was never about BF's defence of this guy. I understand where he is coming from, but from my own moral standpoint, I don't like to see anyone get betrayed. I'm just seeing things from this girl's shoes, and trying to act how I would like someone to act if the roles were reversed.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have enough anger and resentment towards this guy which has been built up from past issues that anymore knowledge of his deception may drive a wedge between me and BF. I already feel uncomfortable being in the house when scumbag is there.

 

 

Does this guy brag about his escapades in front of you?

 

If so, maybe next time he does you might say, "I wouldn't wish any good woman on a jerk like you"

[Dexter Morgan]

Why do I get the feeling that if one your friends was cheating on a man you would have no issue with it? Like him or not this guy is his friend who has been there much longer than you have so it is not a good idea for you to get in between them. A long time friend is like family and people usually love their family despite the flaws.

 

come on wogs...you know if the roles were reversed, and it was a guy that was getting played by some little hussbag, that you'd be wanting the guy to have the information he needed to get rid of her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Do none of you who have judged my BF have friends who participate in behavior you don't agree with?

 

Yes, and I called him out on it and started phasing him out as a friend.

 

Its called guilt by association.

 

 

Do you go rat them out every time?

 

Actually yes, I did. I slipped a really sweet girl he was playing an anonymous note about what he was doing.

 

And like I said, i didn't want to be associated with a guy like that anyway. I know I was seen as a dog just because I hung out with him.

 

 

If you do, I doubt you have many friends.

 

got plenty of friends....just don't need THAT kind of friend. He can only drag down my reputation.

[Woggle]

come on wogs...you know if the roles were reversed, and it was a guy that was getting played by some little hussbag, that you'd be wanting the guy to have the information he needed to get rid of her.

 

Maybe you are right but I see so much high fiving going on between women about cheating that I just don't why a man should end a friendship over this. Women stick together and side with each other over this so why shouldn't men? To me brotherhood comes first and a woman needs to respect that. As long as her boyfriend isn't cheating on her it is really none of her concern.

[Woggle]

I really wish people would stop judging my BF. Like a broken record, he does not condone scumbag's behavior. In our conversation, he told me he hopes the guy gets caught. He's just not going to be the one to rat him out because it would be a betrayal of their friendship.

 

You can't judge someone by their friend's behavior. His friend knows what he's doing is wrong, he's not stupid. He is not going to change his behavior for anyone but himself. No matter what happens, he'll go off and do the same things again if he wants to, he'll just be sneakier about it.

 

BF has told this guy that his actions are weak, but he's not going to rat him out. That in no way means BF is untrustworthy towards me.

 

I have keys to BF's house, I have all his e-mail passwords, he doesn't go out and party like his friend does. He has done nothing to make me suspicious of him.

 

Do none of you who have judged my BF have friends who participate in behavior you don't agree with? Do you go rat them out every time? If you do, I doubt you have many friends.

 

I agree with you. I have friends that do thing I don't condone that are much worse than cheating but when push came to shove they were there for me through the bad times and that good far outweighs the bad. I am talking about things that could get them years in prison but brotherhood means everything to me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Maybe you are right but I see so much high fiving going on between women about cheating that I just don't why a man should end a friendship over this. Women stick together and side with each other over this so why shouldn't men? To me brotherhood comes first and a woman needs to respect that. As long as her boyfriend isn't cheating on her it is really none of her concern.

 

you know, you do have a point...to a point. I do think that when women talk about cheating, there is always some notion that it is somehow to be understood because the man pushed her to it somehow.

 

And that is still a load of bulls##t to try to justify it away....but in this example we are talking about a guy who simply brags about his conquests and his treatment of this girl.

[WineCountry]

If this guy commited a felony, he would be in court with an alibi for him even if he knew he was guilty.

.

 

 

Yeah, isnt THAT freaking great. No wonder I dont believe the scumbags that get hauled into court. See how that feels for your BF if one day he has children, and some one grabs and rapes and murders his 4 yr old daughter like you see happening in the news.

 

See how your BF feels if this scumbag who raped and killed his daughter had HIS friend go to court with an alibi for the scumbag even though he KNEW he was guilty.

 

People are TOTALLY screwed up when it comes to where and WHEN they should show loyalty. Freaking disgusts me.

 

Standing by someone, and offering them support through their troubles is ONE thing. Giving them a freaking ALIBI when they are GUILTY is another. Sorry to go off topic..but that crap burns me.

[WineCountry]

Maybe you are right but I see so much high fiving going on between women about cheating that I just don't why a man should end a friendship over this. Women stick together and side with each other over this so why shouldn't men? To me brotherhood comes first and a woman needs to respect that. As long as her boyfriend isn't cheating on her it is really none of her concern.

 

 

Let's get this straight. Let's make that "some" women may high five each other, because THIS woman DAMN sure will NOT be high fiving ANY chick who is cheating, friend or not. I dont like that AT ALL.

 

And i have NEVER, EVER cheated on a boyfriend.

[konfuzd]

Does this guy brag about his escapades in front of you?

 

If so, maybe next time he does you might say, "I wouldn't wish any good woman on a jerk like you"

 

No, he's never bragged in front of me. Most of his exploits I have heard through BF, but I have seen him have other girls over when I've been at the house. I can tell he gets nervous when I see this going on because I have called him out on his scummy behavior in the past.

[D-Lish]

Well, I think you have to weigh the consequences and make a choice.

 

How does your bf feel about you telling? Will it cause tension between the two of you? Will the room mate be pissed and feel betrayed by his friend for telling you he's been cheating? Will this end the friendship between the two of them? Will the room mate make your time at their place uncomfortable?

 

Do what you think is best.

[konfuzd]

When I first talked to BF, he was opposed to me saying anything and said that it was none of my business. After I spoke with him again and expressed my opinions, he told me that he would understand if I felt the need to tell and he would support me.

 

I do think there will be tension between the two if I flat out tell her that he's been cheating. This is why I favor the option of just having an open discussion with her and suggesting she bring up the exclusivity talk with him without actually saying there's been cheating going on. He has used this as a justification for his actions, so if she confronts him, I hope at least his guilt will kick in.

 

My time at the house is already uncomfortable due to scumbag roommate, both because of this and other things he has pulled in the past. I try to plan my visits there around days he won't be home to minimize the contact I have with him.

[redhighheels]

Suggesting her to bring up the exclusivity talk isn't going to fix anything. He'll tell her anything she wants to hear and then figure out other ways to keep doing what he's doing.

 

There are 2 ways that you could do this (if you really are set on doing it), in my opinion:

 

1) Call her up and meet for coffee. Tell her everything you know, which means giving her all the information and letting her decide once she has all the facts - I'm pretty sure she'll be out of there so fast, all you're going to see will be a cloud of dust.

 

2) Send her an anonymous note. The problem here is everyone receiving such a note would ponder on the person who sent and the reasons behind and not take in the message properly. Could be an old crush playing a prank or that skanky girlfriend who had an eye out for all your boyfriends in the past. If you down this route, you might want to add some details that would allow her to catch him in the act. It could also come back to you, in which case you'd have to own it, which leads us back to option number 1.

 

I really do appreciate the fact that you want to do the right thing, but the only proper way to handle is to do it in person and face to face. Beating around the bush will defeat the purpose of your action. Just think about it - if she knew what you know, would she want to continue the relationship with this guy?

 

As a side note, one my ex's had two best friends, both in relationships that were going on for a few years, both cheated regularly on their gf's. I never met the girls and our relationship was quite short lived, so I didn't find myself in your situation. My ex didn't seem the cheating type either, and I'd like to think he never cheated on me either, but at the back of my mind I found it quite disturbing that that was the company he kept. It's sad really that those girls will probably waste years of their lives with such as$holes.

[burningashes]

Yup, exact thing happened except I was the one being cheated on. Everyone knew but me and my ex wouldn't own up to it until I confronted him about my suspicions. I wish someone told me- I was friends with these people before they were friends with my ex. I was so hurt by the cheating, and the betrayal by my friends. It's a double whammy basically.

 

Good on you for telling the girl! You really are doing her a favor.

[stace79]

I really wish people would stop judging my BF. Like a broken record, he does not condone scumbag's behavior. In our conversation, he told me he hopes the guy gets caught. He's just not going to be the one to rat him out because it would be a betrayal of their friendship.

 

You can't judge someone by their friend's behavior. His friend knows what he's doing is wrong, he's not stupid. He is not going to change his behavior for anyone but himself. No matter what happens, he'll go off and do the same things again if he wants to, he'll just be sneakier about it.

 

BF has told this guy that his actions are weak, but he's not going to rat him out. That in no way means BF is untrustworthy towards me.

 

I have keys to BF's house, I have all his e-mail passwords, he doesn't go out and party like his friend does. He has done nothing to make me suspicious of him.

 

Do none of you who have judged my BF have friends who participate in behavior you don't agree with? Do you go rat them out every time? If you do, I doubt you have many friends.

 

First off, I think your previous post about your talk with your bf, and your proposed actions in this situation, was good. I think you handled it well, and it sounds like your bf handled it well. By posting to us what he said in reaction to your decision, it alleviated some of my feelings that he was protecting "scumbag" too much.

 

Honestly, I don't have many close friends, b/c I'm particular about the type of people I want surrounding me. My best friend since 10th grade and I have even been separating a bit lately, b/c she does a ton of drinking and I'm not a huge drinker.

 

Anyway I think your desire to point the girl in the right direction is good, and your bf's reaction to your decision sounds good as well. Kudos for speaking up.

[stace79]

Maybe you are right but I see so much high fiving going on between women about cheating that I just don't why a man should end a friendship over this. Women stick together and side with each other over this so why shouldn't men? To me brotherhood comes first and a woman needs to respect that. As long as her boyfriend isn't cheating on her it is really none of her concern.

 

If this is honestly true, then you are hanging around the wrong type of women. Additionally, if you love a woman, you put her first before any man. Are you still in your teenage years? You seem to need to have some more life experience and mature a bit...