Best friend "likes" me, HELP

[Queen Jade]

Last night, on ICQ, my male friend told me he liked me "that way", thathe loved me and he wished he was dating me. I basicly told him I couldnt be friends anymore. But thats not what I want. Hes my only friend and I will be very lonley, I dont make many friends. And he was a good friend. Befor I knew he liked me I was very comfortable around him and trusted him, but now I cant. He knows Im bi and prefer women. If I find out a guy likes me a usaly end up hating them becasue it makes me so uncomfortable. I told him all that and then he started back peddling, he said he loved me as a best friend and he could never kiss me becasue I was like a sister and stuff like that. But he said befor he wished he was going out with me ect. I know he doesnt want to lose me as a friend but I just dont know what to do. Help.

[Tony T]

The ONLY thing you can do is go with your feelings. You told him you couldn't be friends anymore. I think that took care of that.

 

If a lady tells me she prefers women, my sanity tells me I shouldn't go there. Love is a decision. So if he made the decision to fall for you, he doesn't have enough marbles to be your friend anyway.

 

You aren't doing him any favors by being around him anymore because he obviously has no control over his emotions. If he is really in love with you, then he holds the hope that he may be the ONE GUY IN THE WORLD that may convince you to go for men. It doesn't sound like you need that.

 

If he was truly your friend, he would have respected the boundaries you so honestly set up in advance for the friendship. Since life is a series of lessons, hopefully he will learn something from this. But, then again, he has to have enough marbles to learn.

 

He cannot be just your friend, he doesn't want to be just your friend and, if you care for him at all, send him on his way so he can find a healthy heterosexual relationship with a willing lady.

 

Meantime, this is your chance to move on a find many new kind, accepting friends for yourself.

[Ajay]

Queen Jade:

 

I have a story for you...After six months of friendship with a man who was ONLY a friend to me (even though I often referred to him as a "best friend"), he admitted to me he was in love with me. Believe me, I was the one doing all the back paddling after he told me this. He tried to assure me we could continue to be just friends, he just wanted me to know how he felt, etc. Well, (and not that your situation is in any way similar -- just to make a point) the more I said no, the harder he pursued.

 

Unfortunately, the situated ended very badly, and I never want to see or speak to him again. He started harrassing me then my family and friends (looking for me and trying to contact me) which then turned into actual stalking. It took months to clear this up (and problems still linger). He threatened my life, tried to intimidate anyone connected to me, and said if he couldn't have me nobody could. With the assistance of the police and strong family/friend support, I managed to get through it.

 

My point is this, whatever you decide to do, be direct and stick to your decision (unless your feeling change later). Do not try to spare his feelings when you explain to him what you want, he may get mixed messages and feel he has a chance if he just trys harder or changes his tactics. You know what you like/want, and if it was him, you'd go for it not question it.

 

Let us know what you decide and how it turns out...

 

Also, remember, there are a lot of people out there to be friends with, and you should NOT be uncomfortable with your friends. If he really is a good friend like you say, he will listen to you and respect your decision, and you will not be uncomfortable. Good luck.

Last night, on ICQ, my male friend told me he liked me "that way", thathe loved me and he wished he was dating me. I basicly told him I couldnt be friends anymore. But thats not what I want. Hes my only friend and I will be very lonley, I dont make many friends. And he was a good friend. Befor I knew he liked me I was very comfortable around him and trusted him, but now I cant. He knows Im bi and prefer women. If I find out a guy likes me a usaly end up hating them becasue it makes me so uncomfortable. I told him all that and then he started back peddling, he said he loved me as a best friend and he could never kiss me becasue I was like a sister and stuff like that. But he said befor he wished he was going out with me ect. I know he doesnt want to lose me as a friend but I just dont know what to do. Help.

[mal]

"Love is a decision??" i'd be disappointed with that, being the romantic that i am. one would hope that it doesn't work like that. of course with in the context of the situation where it was said maybe one has to question their own emotions towards a person but in a regular situation i doubt if that is possible. any comments anyone?

[Tony T]

Sorry to disappoint you but love is absolutely a decision...and so is committment...and so is every other aspect of romance.

 

Infatuation is chemistry. That chemistry is part of the autonomic nervous system, the same part of the brain that controls breathing, digestion, etc. We don't consciously constrol those parts of our body functions and behavior. So you can easily fall into infatuation and think it's love and, you are right, it is not a decision at that point. Lower animal forms mate in this fashion.

 

When we really fall in love, it's based on a decision that this person has the morals, ethics, values, behaviors, physical features, etc. of a person we want to bestow our love upon.

 

Love is also state specific. If we fall in love while we are chronic alcoholics, when we go into recovery, we usually will not be in love with a person afterwards. If we fall in love with someone while we are going through severe depression, chances are after treatment and recovery, the relationship will not survive as a rule, unless.

 

If two people are madly attracted to each other as young people, but one goes on a spiritual or intellectual path that the other doesn't follow, the relationship is often doomed.

 

Romance is great. But just like anything else in our lives, we have to excercise our romantic perogatives with some diligence and responsibility. Most of the posts on this forum are the result of that NOT happening. Love is a very strong emotion. Many millions have died in the name of love over the centuries, in real life and in theatre.

 

I am glad you consider yourself a romantic. I pray you are responsible in who you make your decisions to fall in love with.

 

Infatuation is caused by chemicals just like alcohol. Just as we are urged not to drive under the influence of alchohol, I don't think we should let chemicals influence the decision we make to love somebody and be with them the rest of our lives.

 

True love is a careful blend of required chemistry and the qualities we admire in a mate.

 

Shakespeare was totally wrong when he said "Love is Blind." Infatuation is definitely blind. But love is the most pure and wonderful vision we can have in all of our lives...and a decision we property make lest we open ourselves up for trouble that can't even be imagined.

 

Love is a decision we make after we have clearly seen the other person in all their glory and in all their shortcomings and have decided we are going to love them through whatever happens. And even then, we often weazel out of the deal.

[Ajay]

Tony:

 

I couldn't agree with you more. Love IS a decision. Even though I knew I was in love, I made the decision I wasn't ready to be in love. He was ready and had made the decision but, oh no, not me. Our relationship suffered tremendously as a result. We were barely able to maintain our friendship, the lack-of-commitment trashed the romance, and we almost lost each other, several times over. Love does not "just happen".

 

My decision to let go and love this person was in fact based on all the reasons (and many more) you listed. After the infatuation (which I felt would eventually dwindle -- it didn't), I started to fall in love (because of the many wonderful qualities he possesses) and made the decision to not be overly critical of the not-so-wonderful qualities, and ultimately decided he was "worthy" of (that sounds kind of high-and-mighty of me doesn't it -- it's not meant in that way) my love, my commitment, my body, my time, etc.

 

I finally made the decision to love and decided he was the one I wanted to bestow my love upon. It is the best decision I have ever made. I only wish I had made the decision sooner instead of running amuck, making us both miserable, wasting time, and nearly wasting the relationship. I feel very fortunate that he did not go on his merry way to pursue love elsewhere while I was trying to decide...

Sorry to disappoint you but love is absolutely a decision...and so is committment...and so is every other aspect of romance. Infatuation is chemistry. That chemistry is part of the autonomic nervous system, the same part of the brain that controls breathing, digestion, etc. We don't consciously constrol those parts of our body functions and behavior. So you can easily fall into infatuation and think it's love and, you are right, it is not a decision at that point. Lower animal forms mate in this fashion.

 

When we really fall in love, it's based on a decision that this person has the morals, ethics, values, behaviors, physical features, etc. of a person we want to bestow our love upon. Love is also state specific. If we fall in love while we are chronic alcoholics, when we go into recovery, we usually will not be in love with a person afterwards. If we fall in love with someone while we are going through severe depression, chances are after treatment and recovery, the relationship will not survive as a rule, unless.

 

If two people are madly attracted to each other as young people, but one goes on a spiritual or intellectual path that the other doesn't follow, the relationship is often doomed. Romance is great. But just like anything else in our lives, we have to excercise our romantic perogatives with some diligence and responsibility. Most of the posts on this forum are the result of that NOT happening. Love is a very strong emotion. Many millions have died in the name of love over the centuries, in real life and in theatre. I am glad you consider yourself a romantic. I pray you are responsible in who you make your decisions to fall in love with. Infatuation is caused by chemicals just like alcohol. Just as we are urged not to drive under the influence of alchohol, I don't think we should let chemicals influence the decision we make to love somebody and be with them the rest of our lives. True love is a careful blend of required chemistry and the qualities we admire in a mate.

 

Shakespeare was totally wrong when he said "Love is Blind." Infatuation is definitely blind. But love is the most pure and wonderful vision we can have in all of our lives...and a decision we property make lest we open ourselves up for trouble that can't even be imagined. Love is a decision we make after we have clearly seen the other person in all their glory and in all their shortcomings and have decided we are going to love them through whatever happens. And even then, we often weazel out of the deal.