vikram1 Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I am 27 years old and wife is the same age. This is our 3rd year of marriage. We had dated 2 years and fell in love and got married eventually. In two years of our marriage we had few issues here and there..like a normal couple few arguments. But we did lack communication sometimes as she would just choose not to talk about whatever problem she has with me. Recent, in march her behaviour started to change drastically and she started staying out of house for more time and started spending more time at work . Because of that i kept getting mad and pissed off and we started gettin into fights every now and then. One day she txt messaged me from her work...that the reason why she couldnt be home was cuz she couldnt look into my eyes. She informed me that she had an abortion in march and she thought it was because she wasnt ready for it and she didnt think she was close enuf to tell me about it. I was devasted when i heard that but i controlled myself and thought of giving this marriage my best shot. And i said am ready to blank out wat happened and start all over again. And her response was that she didnt think she loved me anymore and didnt respect me anymore and didnt think i was her future and told me shes going to move outt as she needed space from me and also cuz she feels guilty everytime she sees me. and eventually she has moved out now. i dont know what to do about this situation. I havent told my family yet as i dont want them to think bad about her. She has already talked to her parents about moving out and that she cant live with me anymore and so on. But hvent told the whole abortion thing. I dont know if i am right in working towards this marriage. As i have also started to distrust her cuz of the abortion she had without my consent or without even letting me know. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Hi, that must have been a huge shock and blow to you. Have you asked your wife if she would consider going to MC? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 I would dig deeper. I hate to have to say this but...maybe there wasn't an abortion and she is using this as a fabrication to cover up the real reason. Or, she in fact did have an abortion, but was unsure who the father was. I could be completely off base with this though. You need support at this time, hopefully you have someone you can trust and talk to about this? Where is she living now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author vikram1 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 I would dig deeper. I hate to have to say this but...maybe there wasn't an abortion and she is using this as a fabrication to cover up the real reason. Or, she in fact did have an abortion, but was unsure who the father was. I could be completely off base with this though. You need support at this time, hopefully you have someone you can trust and talk to about this? Where is she living now? We are both living in the same city. Shes moved in with one of her good friend from work. She asked me to come and check out the apartment and she still calls me even tho she needs space. I dont think she had abortiong cuz she was unsure of father. I dont even know if shes telling me the truth about abortion or not. Is there a way to find that out? I do have two of my best freinds who i shared this with. As of now am just giving her the space she wants. Not much i can do here i think. I really want to save this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
WARREN86 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 did u notice any changes in her mood? did she seemed like she was in any kind of pain, physical symptoms such as cramping or fever?? If you look up up the outcomes of abortion? this could probably help out with your concerns if she was lying or not. Link to post Share on other sites
man_of_ability Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 We are both living in the same city. Shes moved in with one of her good friend from work. She asked me to come and check out the apartment and she still calls me even tho she needs space. I dont think she had abortiong cuz she was unsure of father. I dont even know if shes telling me the truth about abortion or not. Is there a way to find that out? I do have two of my best freinds who i shared this with. As of now am just giving her the space she wants. Not much i can do here i think. I really want to save this marriage. You and I are in similar situations as my wife moved out three weeks ago and still calls me sometimes but has used the same lines about wanting space to figure things out. As to the abortion, to find out if that's true, can you recall her doing an outpatient procedure in the past few months? Needing to take a few days off due to illness or recovery from something? Some of the side affects after the procedure could be bleeding, and spotting which lasts a few weeks. Her needing to refrain from intercourse for a number of weeks also would be a sign as I think they are instructed to avoid intercourse for a number of weeks (6 maybe?). But I think this all also depends on what type of abortion procedure it was. I think if you were living with her at the time, a procedure like that would be hard to do without giving off any clues that something was going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vikram1 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 You and I are in similar situations as my wife moved out three weeks ago and still calls me sometimes but has used the same lines about wanting space to figure things out. As to the abortion, to find out if that's true, can you recall her doing an outpatient procedure in the past few months? Needing to take a few days off due to illness or recovery from something? Some of the side affects after the procedure could be bleeding, and spotting which lasts a few weeks. Her needing to refrain from intercourse for a number of weeks also would be a sign as I think they are instructed to avoid intercourse for a number of weeks (6 maybe?). But I think this all also depends on what type of abortion procedure it was. I think if you were living with her at the time, a procedure like that would be hard to do without giving off any clues that something was going on. According to her she was 3 week pregnant when she had abortion. And yes i recall it right that after march end she would avoid intercourse for a whole month and that was actually pissing me off and making me think wierd things cuz that time i didnt know that she had an abortion. And after that period her behaviour started changing...she would stay late at work she would avoid me as much she could. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Have you searched your computer? Did she use it much at home? The number one sign that something isn't right is the give me space malarkey. You haven't been married that long and she started spending loads of time away from home and working overtime since March. She has left the home to go live with a good friend, as in, she has her sights on someone else but she will string you along and feed you BS to keep herself in your good books in case things don't work out with her new fella. She told you something tragic had happened (abortion) in order to make her exit a quick one. Does she still have some of her belongings in the house? Go through them. You never know what you will find. Do the search on the computer. When you go visit her new place, keep a close eye on her friend for some tell tale signs, as in she avoids you, doesn't make eye contact and appears nervous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vikram1 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Have you searched your computer? Did she use it much at home? The number one sign that something isn't right is the give me space malarkey. You haven't been married that long and she started spending loads of time away from home and working overtime since March. She has left the home to go live with a good friend, as in, she has her sights on someone else but she will string you along and feed you BS to keep herself in your good books in case things don't work out with her new fella. She told you something tragic had happened (abortion) in order to make her exit a quick one. Does she still have some of her belongings in the house? Go through them. You never know what you will find. Do the search on the computer. When you go visit her new place, keep a close eye on her friend for some tell tale signs, as in she avoids you, doesn't make eye contact and appears nervous. Shes not a big computer person. But yes she did buy a blackberry in march for her work and actually started spending lot of time on it ...in front of me that too but would show me the messages of who shes talking to and stuff. both guy and girl friends. I had my doubts so i went thru her phone messages and everything in april few days but didnt find anything suspicious. Yes she still has some of her stuff at the house. I will go thru it but i dont think tehrz anything suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Shes not a big computer person. But yes she did buy a blackberry in march for her work and actually started spending lot of time on it ...in front of me that too but would show me the messages of who shes talking to and stuff. both guy and girl friends. ding, ding, ding Link to post Share on other sites
Author vikram1 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Shes not a big computer person. But yes she did buy a blackberry in march for her work and actually started spending lot of time on it ...in front of me that too but would show me the messages of who shes talking to and stuff. both guy and girl friends. ding, ding, ding If there is someone from her work ..how am i gonna find it out? I tried to go thru her blackberry lot of times but didnt find anything Link to post Share on other sites
man_of_ability Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 My wife got a blackberry a few weeks ago. I hate that thing. She isn't living here anymore but when we are together she is checking and receiving messages on it every 5 minutes. There is no easy way to figure if one is using a blackberry for those purposes, because they connect to multiple e-mail accounts, chat, instant messaging, facebook...there are too many ways to communicate with it. On my wife's I can easily see the numbers she calls and texts due to the phone bill, but there's no way I will know what e-mails, chats, etc. she may be doing with the thing and those are in real time as well just like a text message. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 my wife was texting her boyfriend sitting next to me on the couch while we watched TV. She said it was her friend "made up name" & I thought nothing of it. I wish i'd of called the number to see who really answered it. But I loved her & trusted her & she knew it. It's a hard concept to grasp but take a look at the stories here. Not all, but most that involve the wife leaving "because they need space" usually result in the men finding out there was another man & they had become the back-up plan. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 If she did have an abortion at 3 weeks, it was probably via an abortion pill, it would have necessated two appointments on two consequtive mornings. Any way of finding out if she had two doctors appointments off work? You could follow her/get someone else to follow her? See if she is with anyone during lunch at work maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
man_of_ability Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Good point Lisa. What about medical bills/insurance EOB's? Maybe there is a papertrail. Did she leave any paperwork at the house that you could look for? Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 My wife got a blackberry a few weeks ago. I hate that thing. She isn't living here anymore but when we are together she is checking and receiving messages on it every 5 minutes. There is no easy way to figure if one is using a blackberry for those purposes, because they connect to multiple e-mail accounts, chat, instant messaging, facebook...there are too many ways to communicate with it. On my wife's I can easily see the numbers she calls and texts due to the phone bill, but there's no way I will know what e-mails, chats, etc. she may be doing with the thing and those are in real time as well just like a text message. You zero in on the numbers that are late at night or early morning from before she moved out & after. there will be a pattern. My wife always texted a send pics to a certain number about 20min.s after I left the house, just before bed (on the nights she was home) & in the middle of the night sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 If there is someone from her work ..how am i gonna find it out? I tried to go thru her blackberry lot of times but didnt find anything Have you ever asked her if she was cheating on you? Not that you would get an "Oh yeah, I have been, sorry forgot to mention that" But, there is a possibility she might confess, perhaps not the first time you ask her, but subsequent times they end up breaking down and admitting it. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 my wife was texting her boyfriend sitting next to me on the couch while we watched TV. She said it was her friend "made up name" & I thought nothing of it. I wish i'd of called the number to see who really answered it. But I loved her & trusted her & she knew it. It's a hard concept to grasp but take a look at the stories here. Not all, but most that involve the wife leaving "because they need space" usually result in the men finding out there was another man & they had become the back-up plan. Geeesh, I could have wrote that. My H had done that and one time doing it he laughed out loud and my radar had shot through the roof. It was the first piece of real evidence that I knew, for fact, something was up. It was all in that laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vikram1 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Have you ever asked her if she was cheating on you? Not that you would get an "Oh yeah, I have been, sorry forgot to mention that" But, there is a possibility she might confess, perhaps not the first time you ask her, but subsequent times they end up breaking down and admitting it. Nop i havent asked but i think ur a mindreader as i was just thinking about that. Asking her upfront and see if she confessess atleast that way she knows that its in my head. Also, one more thing that i do know a lot of ppl at her work and some of them are my freinds too. But again..u never know!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author vikram1 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 i forgot to mention one important thing she said that a part of her blames me for the abortion she had!!! Link to post Share on other sites
man_of_ability Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 i forgot to mention one important thing she said that a part of her blames me for the abortion she had!!! How could a part of her blame you when you didn't know anything about it nor did you have anything to do with the decision???? That just doesn't make sense. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 She should have gave you a say in the matter about termination. It blows my mind that she said nothing about this life changing decision to you. You are partly to blame? Umm..no way. She did this on her own, she made it her decision only, and it was totally selfish of her to go ahead with this and you having no idea what she had done. If, if, she really did have one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vikram1 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 How could a part of her blame you when you didn't know anything about it nor did you have anything to do with the decision???? That just doesn't make sense. yes pls tell me about it!! So many things dont make sense man. I hope i just find out that shes cheating with me cuz thats teh only way am gonna be able to take my mind off this marriage. or else i will just keep trying. Link to post Share on other sites
man_of_ability Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 yes pls tell me about it!! So many things dont make sense man. I hope i just find out that shes cheating with me cuz thats teh only way am gonna be able to take my mind off this marriage. or else i will just keep trying. I agree and I am in the same boat. I hate this being in limbo. I have no confirmation either way if she is actually cheating or thinking about it. There are signs in that she has hidden some things from me. But if I could get confirmation on it then the path ahead would be much more clear, though even more painful I'm sure. I just want to know one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Have either you or Man of ablitiy read derek12b's thread? You both may find it helpful, it's on the next page I think. Link to post Share on other sites
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