Should I follow my "head" or my "heart"?

[CONFUSED0202]

I have just "celebrated" my ten year anniversary. I am married to a really nice man but we are two totally different people. We do not have any of the same interest. I feel like that that we are in a rut and that our 12 year age difference has finally caught up with us. I'm 36 he is 48. I have a child by a previous marriage that is 14, but we have no children of our own. We have just recently built a new house and have a lot of debt. We built the house within sight of my parents, grandparents, brother, etc. I feel like that if I initiate a separation or divorce that he will be devasted. I really dont know how he will gone on. I have been the total decision maker and in reality he has bent over backwards to give me everything I want.

 

But now I have met a "friend" that is in the same profession, we share alot of common interest and he is totally "rocking" my world. He does not know about my feelings for him, but I think of him constantly.

 

I have tried vacations with my husband and other things to get me over this guy but nothing works. I cannot stop thinking about him and how wonderful our life could be. This guy is available, but I felt this way even when he wasnt and now it is just worse....Please any advise will help

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I'm alittle confused as to what you want. Do you want to know how to save your marriage, or do you want to know if you should go with this other guy? In regards to this other guy, you're only focusing on what you both have in common. In relationship we put so much emphasis on what we have in common, when in actually, how we deal with what we don't have in common is even more important. Each relationship comes with their own set of problems. So you and this guy have things in common....but you don't know what other problems would present themselves in the future or even if you could deal with them. The grass isn't always greener....okay, now that's the head speaking.

 

Have you tried to talk with your husband about how you felt? Have you told him that you don't feel connected to him? Have you told him that you would like him to be more involved in decision making? Have you over a number of times, not just a few times, tried to take interest in the things that he does even if you don't like them personally? Has he tried the same with you? Marriage is about give and take and compromise. You're not going to have everything in common, and just because you're total opposites doesn't mean it's doomed. It's all about compromise and sacrifices. Since you've both just built a house close to your family, I'm assuming he's under the impression that all is well with the both of you...therefore, you have to be totally honest with him and after that, atleast give him sometimes to try to work things out. The worst thing you can do is try to solve one relationship problem with another relationship.

[moimeme]

In relationship we put so much emphasis on what we have in common, when in actually, how we deal with what we don't have in common is even more important

 

People should carry that on a card in their wallets.

 

Confused, you sound like a good candidate for MarriageBuilders. Have a read through <URL removed>

 

It's a pretty good set of ideas.

[bark]

Confused, you make three points: first, you and your husband are dissimilar as people and in your interests; second, you're bored with your husband; and last, there's this other guy who excites you and with whom you share similar interests.

 

I get the impression that you've had a "thing" for this other guy for a while. Am I correct? Is the other man reciprocating?

 

How does the age difference with your husband bother you? Why now?

 

How does the other guy make you feel about yourself? How does your husband?

 

Finally, how long have you been bored with your husband? Did your boredom arise once you began to fall in love with the other guy?

 

Last, you sound like you're on the edge of making a move. Am I correct?

[CONFUSED0202]

Thanks for your replys...

 

Yes, I have known this guy for about 6 years but he only recently separated from his wife. I have had an attraction to him for a long time, but only since he is available have I started thinking about him constantly. I am at the point that I really dont want to save my marriage but I dont know how to get out either. I mean my husband is totally in love with me. Being that I am younger, and somewhat attractive, I am his show piece. Im not sure whether he truly loves me or loves the idea that I am his wife. But i do know that leaving him would destroy him. I find myself wishing that he would have an affair and find myself being a total bitch to make him leave me, but he just takes it.

 

I have discussed my feelings with the other guy, but in a third person point of view, he does not know that I am talking to him about him. He shows little signs of interest like touching my face when we are talking ot brushing up against me. Small things, that is as far as it's gone.

 

I am ready to make a move but with all the problems, selling our house would not be an option, but neither could afford to buy out the other. We also own alot of land that belonged to his family. I am totally tied to this area, and just moving away is not an option. I own my own business here and could not give it up.

 

I guess Im asking for advise on how to break someones heart and ruin their life that you still have feeling for but are no longer in love with. And yes, I never thought of leaving until this other man became available.

 

With all of this, Im sure you can see why I am so confused......

[bark]

"I guess Im asking for advise on how to break someones heart and ruin their life"

 

Well, you've come to the right place!

 

All kidding aside, there are no pain free endings. The absolute worse is when H tells W not only that he doesn't love her anymore but that he NEVER loved her. I had a neighbor do that to his wife. Cruel.

 

You could tell him that you've changed over the years, having married young, and that you need "space." I know it's a cliche but the focus is on your issues, not his inadequacies. This gentle lie may help him save face. Also, he won't be comparing himself to the other man--whom I assume is younger and you find more attractive than your husband. Am I right?

 

Next, you could tell him that you no longer love him. Then add that you don't want to live a lie because you respect him too much. Again, the onus is on you--not him. Tell him he deserves a woman who can love him.

 

I would not mention the other man. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy, especially in this catastrophic situation. We guys are insecure, and I just don't see how this info would help. I would feel like beetle dung if my spouse left me for the mere possibility of a relationship with someone else.

 

I would be clear, firm and uncompromising in conversation. Whatever you do, don't lead him on by suggesting that this is a mere trial separation--even to protect his feelings. Speak calmly, directly and with resolve. Also, do this in person.

 

Finally, have an exit strategy in place before you unload this on him. You're going to need it.

 

Good luck.

[CONFUSED0202]

Yes, the guy is younger and more attractive, but he is also a wonderful friend that I connect with. As I said before we have been friends for 6 years.

 

I have tried to tell my husband that I am not happy but he always says he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, but he cant.

 

I am far more educated than he is and we have absolutely nothing to talk about. Our anniversary was 10/22 and I tried taking him on a vacation to Washington DC because he is interested in history and I thought he would enjoy it. He tells me that he had the best time of his life, but I was miserable the entire time. Sometimes he evens embarrasses me because he is such a "country" boy. I cant even remember what attracted me to him in the first place.

 

He says that he is happy but I think he is mistaking comfortable for happy. He is content to come home from work, go downstairs to his den and watch TV. While I read, work on the computer, or watch TV. We never spend a night together doing the same things. He doesn't even know how to turn the computer on. Then on weekends he is content to mow the lawn, and ride around the "farm".

He will go somewhere if I suggest it, but he never suggest going anywhere.

 

The little things he does is starting to drive me nuts!!!

 

I really feel like I need to get out of this marriage even if the other guy didn't exist. But our families is close and I know that I would never be able to walk away without hurting alot of peoples feelings. That and hurting him is what I am most afraid of.

 

My 14 year old son thinks alot of him, but I believe he would be alright, because I have always put him first and would continue do to so.

 

Not only would my husband be losing me but my son also. (he is not his, he is from my first marriage, that lasted only 3 years). I really think it would make him feel like his whole world has fallen apart, but is being afraid to hurt him worth spending the rest of my life unhappy? It would take alot less effort and make things alot easier, but Im not that kind of person.

 

Thanks, Bark just being able to discuss this with someone is helping already.

[bark]

Confused, when you wrote this you identified the big issue many of us face in loveless marriages:

 

"I really think it would make him feel like his whole world has fallen apart, but is being afraid to hurt him worth spending the rest of my life unhappy? It would take alot less effort and make things alot easier, but Im not that kind of person."

 

This is when we must choose between personal happiness or our marriage. Most people don't wake up one morning and announce: "I feel like getting a divorce, today."

 

It's never like that. First, you disconnect from your spouse--intellectually, conversationally, emotionally, physically.

Second, as the energy drains from your marriage, your spouse becomes a stranger--every little thing becomes irritating and annoying. Life together becomes oppressive and burdensome.

 

Finally, the despair becomes overwhelming and one either leaves or inhabits an emotionally dead space called marriage.

 

This decline and death of a marriage is neither inevitable nor does it happen overnight. It usually takes years.

 

You sound to me like you're in the terminal phase. But only you know for sure.

 

Save yourself.

[CONFUSED0202]

Thanks Bark.

 

I guess I already new that just needed someone to tell me.

 

"Now will you tell my husband?" Just kidding......

[bark]

Well, Confused, could you imagine a "Reality" television show where, on camera, a spouse/lover tells his or her significant other that their relationship is over? Where the entire painful exchange is recorded?

 

I shudder.

 

Again, good luck.

 

I'm probably not far behind you.

[libra]

confused,

My counselor keeps telling me to keep the two issues separate...... the ending of our marriage and my feelings about the op. It's hard to do though. I think back in our marriage and realize that the reason I probably started looking for something more was because something was missing. I know that's what everyone says but i believe it's true. If things were so wonderful at home, I wouldn't have needed more. Doesn't not excuse anything just reality. I do know that I cannot stay in a marriage just to keep from hurting my spouse. Even though I debate that issue constantly. It would be more hurtful to not be able to give him emotionally or physically what he deserves in a relationship.

Now if we could find the strength to do it.

Good luck to you

 

Bark, you really are good at this. Your responses are so thought provoking. Things seem so much clearer. Now if I could just print them and pull them out when I am confused.

[bark]

Thanks for the kind words, Libra.

 

I'm always interested in your input, too.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

"I have tried to tell my husband that I am not happy but he always says he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, but he can't." It's not that he can't, it's that you won't let him because you want the other guy.

 

To be honest with you, after reading both of your postings, I am convinced that the only reason you are unhappy in your marriage is because you really want to be with this other guy, and that the reason you are leaving is because of him. It has nothing to do with your husband being 12 years older than you, a country boy, or less educated than you are. All of the things are things you knew before you took those marriage vows, but you still married him saying in effect that you were going to love him in spite of those things. The truth is you want this other guy, and you're using all those things listed above that you say about your husband as excuses to leave him because he doesn't measure up to this new guy, or because this new guy is more attractive and sophisticated than your husband. Now all of a sudden after this other guy has become available, all the "little things" your husband does is driving you crazy. They weren't driving you that crazy before.

 

I wonder how many times you have confronted your husband and told him that you're falling out of love with him, and you feel like your marriage is on the brink of divorce if things don't change. I wonder how many times you have considered marriage counseling and if you both have ever been in first place? I doubted it very seriously that you gave your husband time to change things and make things better between the both of you knowing that his relationship with you knowing clearly that his relationship with you was on the brink. I know these things because you don't want things to get better between you and your husband. You would rather your husband have an affair to justify your leaving to be with this other guy.

 

The thing is, if you never speak clearly with your husband and truly let him know how you feel, you would NEVER know if he could have truly made you happy. You're leaving everything up to him, and no matter how long you've been married, you cannot read your mates mind. You expect your husband to know everything it takes to make you happy and that's impossible! Sometimes you have to tell him and sometimes you have to be the one to initate things!

 

So that feeling that's holding you back from walking is guilt, and you have every reason to feel guilty. You list all of these things that you've done and took the initiative in doing, but you never once said that you conversed with your husband and told him straight up that you were unhappy, why you were unhappy, you never said that you wanted to go to counseling, so I don't believe you did everything you could to save the marriage. There is no where in your postings that show that your husband is just outright neglecting you needs. It sounds more to me like you're not speaking clearly as to what your needs are and giving him a change to meet them regardless of how much time it takes. Meanwhile he's under the impression that everything is fine with both of you. So what if he's comfortable? You're suppose to be comfortable in a relationship you've been in after 10 years! NO relationship ever stays as intense and passionate as it is in the beginning. It grows, the passion and the intensity wanes. Even if you get with this guy, I guarantee you it will not be the same in 10 years as it is right now. That's just reality. Now you just purchased this land and bought this new house which is something you should not have gone through with if you felt that strongly against the marriage, but by your going along with it, you're once again giving your husband the impression that everything between you two are fine, and you have this new house to live out the rest of your years in. I guarantee you that if your husband really put his foot forward and became what you wanted him to, you still would leave him because you're dead set on getting with this other guy. You're just looking for an excusable reason to do so.

[CONFUSED0202]

I have talked to my husband but he always says that he will do whatever it takes to make me happy. But the truth is nothing he can do will make me happy. I have fallen out of love with him. I thought that by buying the house and changing things up a bit, I could be happy again. But it hasnt worked. I have even been diagnosed with panic attacks and they only happen when Im in this house with him. I have been to the ER 3 times already. I see a psychologist for the panic attacks but no I have not been to counseling. You are correct my husband has no idea that our marriage is on the brink. Ive told him Im not happy but he says he will change the things that make me unhappy. He cant....

 

I have tried to get passed his annoying habits but the more I try the more they bother me. They have always bothered me but more so lately.

 

Honestly, if this other guy wasnt in the picture, I would still want to get out. But I probably would stay because of my husbands feelings.

 

I have been through a divorce 12 years ago and I know that to be able to walk away you have to practically "hate" the person you are leaving, this is the only way to make a total guilt free break. Circumstances then was alot different, my first husband was an alcoholic, verbal abuser, cheater, you name it.. But he was like this before I married him and I married him anyway.

 

When I left him I was already talking to the guy I'm married to now. I think I used to think I had to have a man, but now I dont. I can finacially support myself. My first husband and my present husband were total opposites. The first one I could never control, the second one I totally control. I feel I need someone that is my equal, that doesnt bow down to everything I say. I went from one extreme to the other. This other guy is my equal and I think that is the attraction. I can talk to him about anything. I want to have an adult conversation, not be a teacher. My husband knows very a little and his questions and lack of knowledge is really beginning to bother me. He is forgetful and it drives me crazy.

 

Im at the point that counseling would not help, I have made my mind up that nothing he can do will make me happy. But you are correct, I am feeling terrible guilt about leaving him, because he has done nothing wrong. He is the same person he was 10 years ago, but Im not.