First, best friends, then lovers....now haters....?

[miss_refractory]

Ok. I started out as good friends with my housemate. Eventually becoming best friends. I came to live with him after his ex left him & his son high & dry, never looking back.How he came about becoming a father, was she lied to him about being on birth control, in a last ditch effort to keep him. So, she basically cemented him a future he never wanted - fatherhood.He now has full custody of his son & his ex is 98% out of the picture, living in a different state. Never even paying child support. Ever.

 

I moved in with them about 4 months (February 2008) after she took off. And without expectations, I..well, we, came to find myself being involved 50/50 in raising his son. His son now, undoubtedly looks at & thinks of me as his mom - without calling me Mom or Mommy. He however, tells me I "am a mom."

In the midst of this, as things would have it, we began a FWB relationship. But from day 1 he stated he had no interest in ever being in a monogamous relationship again...or at least not for a long, long time. However, since this started between us, he has been monogamous to me. We even shared a bed. ( He, his son, and I) I helped him in every way possible; and he did the same for me.

 

January 2009....I finally told him that I had real, strong feelings for him. That I wanted him to be with me & only me. And denied this 100%. Every time it has been brought up since - his answer is always "NO." Yet, we'd live every day as if we were one big happy family. Nothing was different.

Ok, I'll simply fast forward to about a month ago....He told me he wanted us to go back to a platonic living situation. I said I didn't want to/couldn't deal with that. So I moved out.

 

I came to visit a couple weeks later...As luck would have it, during those few days I discovered I was pregnant.

Naturally, he thought I was doing to him what his ex did. Trying to trap him. When he got that out of his mind, he told me point-blank if I don't have an abortion he will have absolutely nothing to do with the kids life, and we would not be friends. (we couldn't be - it'd be a "business situation") Then went on about how if I didn't I'd be ruining his life...making him pay child support, thus him not being able to attend law school, and stealing food from his son's mouth....

 

So, he pushed and pushed, and pressured me enough that I gave in. NOt without tears on his part. (not sure what for) And while we were at the clinic waiting, he was telling me how he has "conflicting feelings" about me. That he hasn't had a chance to see what it would be like without me around. That he doesn't want a relationship right now, but that when he "visions (his) future he sees (me) there in it.." Also, that he knows I'm a good mom and that he "would choose (me) to be the mother of any future kids (he) has."

~ But wants me to get my life together, first. (basically)~

[i understand that.....yes...And during my stay before and after it happened he catered to my every need & more.]

 

I told him I won't wait around for him to live his "life" (namely, date other girls) just to figure his emotions out later on. That I can't ever be around him knowing he might be with..has been with...is with another girl. That he would put his son in ANOTHER situation where he could lose someone who he views as a "mom."

I know he views me as one of the greatest, best, honest, true friends he's ever had & has....but, I don't think he can at all relate to how much he has hurt me on multiple levels. Despite my efforts to try and make him. Since I went through with the abortion, the move, and every thing else...I find it extremely hard to look at our relationship/friendship with each other as being the same. Like there's some irrefutable damage upon it. I'm sooooo hurt & angry with him - it feels something very similar to 'hate.'

 

I don't know exactly what my question is...but if anyone has ever been in a similar situation, I'd like to hear your story & outcome. Also, opinions on this situation, too.

 

I'd really appreciate it. Thanks, so much

 

 

*Also, yes, I did post this in the 'dating' forum*

[boogieboy]

WOW, I guess you wont let a guy use you like that again willya?

[Awesome84]

WOW, I guess you wont let a guy use you like that again willya?

 

As mean as he put it... I'd have to agree. Your friend used you. You've allowed yourself to be a doormat to him (even if you say he caters to you). Because without committing to you... bottom line is... he is using you.

 

Now... I won't say that he isn't a true friend (I say this because he's been honest with you about where he stands from the very beginning)... but he isn't relationship material for you. I know his son probably loves you, but you gotta look out for you first. I feel bad for his son because he has women going in and out of his life... but he isn't going to have a great child life either if you and his dad resume living together without loving each other.

 

You can't go on 'playing house' with this guy. It is the child's dad's responsibility to explain to his son what is going on.

 

 

My personal advice... Don't move back in with him and maybe take sometime before being friends again.

[Ping]

Whatever the situation is, life will go on. Hating him, is something that you punish yourself for other people's error. it's not smart.

[cuteangel]

Ok. I started out as good friends with my housemate. Eventually becoming best friends. I came to live with him after his ex left him & his son high & dry, never looking back.How he came about becoming a father, was she lied to him about being on birth control, in a last ditch effort to keep him. So, she basically cemented him a future he never wanted - fatherhood.He now has full custody of his son & his ex is 98% out of the picture, living in a different state. Never even paying child support. Ever.

 

I moved in with them about 4 months (February 2008) after she took off. And without expectations, I..well, we, came to find myself being involved 50/50 in raising his son. His son now, undoubtedly looks at & thinks of me as his mom - without calling me Mom or Mommy. He however, tells me I "am a mom."

In the midst of this, as things would have it, we began a FWB relationship. But from day 1 he stated he had no interest in ever being in a monogamous relationship again...or at least not for a long, long time. However, since this started between us, he has been monogamous to me. We even shared a bed. ( He, his son, and I) I helped him in every way possible; and he did the same for me.

 

January 2009....I finally told him that I had real, strong feelings for him. That I wanted him to be with me & only me. And denied this 100%. Every time it has been brought up since - his answer is always "NO." Yet, we'd live every day as if we were one big happy family. Nothing was different.

Ok, I'll simply fast forward to about a month ago....He told me he wanted us to go back to a platonic living situation. I said I didn't want to/couldn't deal with that. So I moved out.

 

I came to visit a couple weeks later...As luck would have it, during those few days I discovered I was pregnant.

Naturally, he thought I was doing to him what his ex did. Trying to trap him. When he got that out of his mind, he told me point-blank if I don't have an abortion he will have absolutely nothing to do with the kids life, and we would not be friends. (we couldn't be - it'd be a "business situation") Then went on about how if I didn't I'd be ruining his life...making him pay child support, thus him not being able to attend law school, and stealing food from his son's mouth....

 

So, he pushed and pushed, and pressured me enough that I gave in. NOt without tears on his part. (not sure what for) And while we were at the clinic waiting, he was telling me how he has "conflicting feelings" about me. That he hasn't had a chance to see what it would be like without me around. That he doesn't want a relationship right now, but that when he "visions (his) future he sees (me) there in it.." Also, that he knows I'm a good mom and that he "would choose (me) to be the mother of any future kids (he) has."

~ But wants me to get my life together, first. (basically)~

[i understand that.....yes...And during my stay before and after it happened he catered to my every need & more.]

 

I told him I won't wait around for him to live his "life" (namely, date other girls) just to figure his emotions out later on. That I can't ever be around him knowing he might be with..has been with...is with another girl. That he would put his son in ANOTHER situation where he could lose someone who he views as a "mom."

I know he views me as one of the greatest, best, honest, true friends he's ever had & has....but, I don't think he can at all relate to how much he has hurt me on multiple levels. Despite my efforts to try and make him. Since I went through with the abortion, the move, and every thing else...I find it extremely hard to look at our relationship/friendship with each other as being the same. Like there's some irrefutable damage upon it. I'm sooooo hurt & angry with him - it feels something very similar to 'hate.'

 

I don't know exactly what my question is...but if anyone has ever been in a similar situation, I'd like to hear your story & outcome. Also, opinions on this situation, too.

 

I'd really appreciate it. Thanks, so much

 

 

*Also, yes, I did post this in the 'dating' forum*

about me:

ITS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO DESCRIBE MYSELF BT THEN ALSO I AM DESCRIBING MYSELF

I AM CUTE

I AM INTELLIGENT

I AM COOL

I AM SMART

I LUV MY ALL FRIENDZ I LUV MY MOM DAD I LUV MY SISTERS

I LUV MYSELF ALSO

I LUV TO SING SONGS

I M THE MOST LOVABLE PERSON BCOZ OF MY GUD NATURE I THINK I CAN DO ANYTHING ND I CAN ACHIEVE EVERYTHING THAT I WANT I NEVER LIKE TO HURT ANYONE BT I REALLY HATE THOSE PEOPLES WHO DNT LIKE ME ND WHO ALWAYS GIVE COMMENTS

I LUV MY ALL FRIENDS ND THE PERSONS WHOM I LUV THE MOST IN THIS WORLD IS.......

ITS A SECRET YAAR LAMBI LIST HAI TIME NHI HAI BAATANE KE LIYEY

 

A FRIEND IS LIKE A TISSUE WHEN U CANT STOP CRYING

A FRIEND IS LIKE A SHOULDER WHEN U FEEL LIKE DYING

A FRIEND IS LIKE A LOVE THAT CAN NEVER LET GO

A FRIEND IS A PHONE CALL WHEN U CANT LEAVE UR HOME

A FRIEND IS LIKE UR MOM WHEN U RUN INTO A COP

A FRIEND IS LIKE AN ASPIRIN WHEN U HEAD HURTS LIKE HELL