Alone and In Crisis!

[trippi1432]

Hi, new here...I posted my story, but it was so long that no one probably cares to read it. I'm on day 4 since husband left. My daughter had to go home yesterday from helping out after my surgery so today is my first day just myself and our son.

 

I think it's going to be a hard day. This sucks because I don't go back to the doctor for 2 more weeks to try and get released to go back to work, so I have little to occupy my mind or time so I don't think about it. I expect that husband plans to come by today or by the end of the week to get the rest of his stuff, but am keeping the contact to little to none when he text messages me. (Update - just got text from husband asking to come by tomorrow...sigh). Don't want to fight, cry or anything with him so planning on not being home when he picks up his stuff.

 

At any rate, it would be nice to confer with people who have been through these things....I know my other post was long so I don't blame no one for replying to it (Fell out of Love - My Story), but I feel the crying jags coming today so it would be nice to know I am not alone. Reading on here has been helpful, I'm shocked at all the similar situations. But I know I need to be strong....this relationship has become so toxic it just needs to end, but 15 years of your life is like an addiction to cocaine. I can't keep going through this alone....my only friend he let me have thinks we are making a mistake and I should be walking on eggshells even tho he fell out of love with me and is leaving! Now I see why he didn't run that friend out of my life.

[lupa]

We're all in this together, just remember that. Start building friends here, and know that people can and do care. Keep posting, and the best thing you can do for your situation is tell him "don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out."

 

Trust me when I say that, I didn't do it at first. It will give you closure in your mind, and you can be functional again...it took me until yesterday to make that decision in my head.

 

Good luck, and just let it out here...I found it very cathartic to just let it out, this is like a blog, but people are here to keep kicking you in the butt to get you going the right way.

[trippi1432]

Thanks Lupa and you are so right in that. I know this and I need that closure, but it is such a pain when the wound is that fresh.

 

I plan on not being here when he gets his stuff, but now I am wrestling with the fact that the events that led up to his telling me he was leaving were due to an altercation between him and our 13 year old son. He smacked him around and left a bruise on our son's shoulder (first time he has ever been physical with him, he's not a physically abusive person, at least not with him - early in our relationship we had some rows but I let him know real fast that I am not a woman who will take that so he hasn't been like that with me in 13 years) but he used that as an excuse to tell me that he was leaving and had fallen out of love with me. He says that he will be a better father away from us.

 

Basically he projected the guilt of what he did onto our relationship so he could hold true to what he told me last month, he was unhappy with our relationship and was going to leave me after I recovered from my surgery (4 to 6 weeks recovery). I guess it was easier to leave his wife in her time of need by saying that he didn't want to become a violent person like his ex brother-in-law. So now I'm wondering if I should let our son be alone with him, let him be here when his dad comes to get his stuff....what kind of parent does that make me? On the other hand, if I am here and the emotions are running rampant, it's just going to be an ugly dredging of all the past who hurt who first and I'm tired of that...I just wish I could go total NC!!

 

I'm so torn, and I'm not even thinking clearly anyway!! Here I am making plans to let our son deal with him when I should clearly be trying to protect him emotionally from all of this crap. I'm trying to run away from the issue...I'm so ashamed, I'm just not thinking clearly right now, our son is the one that doesn't need to be here to see this....sigh. OMG!!

 

Maybe I'm thinking that our son is the only mature one right now because he thinks that we are both stupid! LOL! Our son has already informed me that I am not allowed to date anyone but it's ok for his dad because a new girlfriend might have a hot daughter, LMAO! Gotta love the way kids think, at least I can get some humor out of it. Our son's biggest issue with the whole situation and what upsets him is that he is no longer the minority, he's just like all his friends coming from a broken home now. He's fine with only seeing his Dad every other weekend because, honestly, his dad never spent that much time with him and yells at him all the time.

 

Ok, this is getting too long, but the short of it, now that I have ran thru it all, is that I am going to be here when he gets his stuff and I AM going to be STRONG. I CAN get thru this.

[lupa]

Just be Ms Cool Ice when he is there. Don't argue, don't disagree. Play it cool, calm.

 

Basically do the opposite of what i've done. Trust me on this one.

 

 

The rebuild process is long and hard, but I can tell you, I'm no longer dizzy all the time, and I only cry rarely. Considering where I've just been, and where you are heading...that is a major comfort.

 

You will be fine, eventually, in the meantime, know that there are people who are willing to help.

[obscure]

No, you are definitely not alone. I am going through the same thing as are many others. Sadly enough, it feels like we are the only ones going through this when it happens. If I were not at work I would give a longer post. But hang in there, you just have to wait it out. I had a terrible day yesterday myself and thought I was going to die before the day ended, but I just kept busy and got through it. I will post more later.

[LisaUk]

Hi and welcome, you are not alone!

 

He fell out of love with you? Total rubblish sweetie, you don't just fall out of love have a look at "Divorce Busting" google it, first chapter is on the website.

[Albucosor]

You've made the right choice because it's your choice. Therefore, you're on the right track.

 

It's hard but there's nothing to do really, with time it's gonna get better. Don't resist the emotions passing through you, feel them and accept them. You just have to wait and it's gonna get better.

 

Oh, and remember to sleep well, eat well, exercise often. A strong and relaxed body is important during tough times

[trippi1432]

Thanks to you all, I'm checking out that Divorce Busting. This has just been such a hard, emotional day. I tried to get in with an old counselor that we tried once, but can't get an appt until next week. In the meantime, I was so unstable at my OB doc today, they put me on Lexapro, they are concerned that the stress is going to mess up my recovery from my Nissen Fundoplication surgery.

[giotto]

I read the other post, and what I don't understand is how you (yourself and your husband) could undo 15+ years of relationship without even trying MC. Surely, your marriage and your children deserved it? It's probably too late now, though... good luck with your recovery, both mental and physical...

[trippi1432]

Thanks Giotto. We did try MC a long time ago before we got married, after one session he said we could buy a book and fix it. sigh. Then a couple of years ago we did family sessions with our son due to some behaviorial issues. He went to several of those, but it wasn't for working on us. Now he is talking about going to see someone to work on himself. I have sessions scheduled for myself starting next week, so I can work through my own issues and feelings of abandonment. Maybe one day we can work on things together, but I'm not sure if that will come before it's too late.

[trippi1432]

Again, thanks to all of you who have replied, this is such a hard thing to go thru alone. It's been a very long day today.....I had some breakthru's on myself, my own destructive behavior and found out a few things from my husband after he came to get some things.

 

My epiphany (sudden realization) came today as I was rehashing a conversation that my son and I had last night. He asked me why I was so upset about his father and I splitting this time but was not upset about it months ago when we were talking about splitting up. After thinking about it today, I know that the biggest reason I am so emotional about it all is that I am rehashing the same feelings of abandonment that my ex-husband put me thru because I feel vulnerable due to recovering from surgery. The ex-husband story is bad one, an unhealthy obsession where I let a man walk all over me and still came back for more and I carried that baggage in defiance into this relationship, I acknowledge that. This is something that I know that I need to work on for myself for any future relationships or to even salvage this one if he wants to work on it.

 

But for now, I truly feel that he abandoned me in my time of need and that hurts so much because it lacks compassion for a person. Even if I hated him (which I sometimes do), I would never do that to him, I wouldn't even do that to a stranger. I struggle to work on understanding that this is where the crying over it really comes from. I don't think that the emotional aspect is really love, but more from fear, which isn't healthy either. And, bitterly, I do acknowledge once again, his selfishness in this. ** Note to self, check emotional IQ before getting involved again **

 

At any rate, I talked to a Divorce Buster coach today....expensive and I have mixed feelings about it all, but she gave some good tips....it did seem so much like cow-towing, but I did give them a go, given our personalities tho not sure if we can get there. We are a hot-headed couple, so it's a new approach. I invited him up for dinner, he refused. I offered to help him get his things together and pack, he turned the offer down. He wanted to talk about his plans for his upcoming bachelor-hood (he's such a planner) and our relationship, I deterred decision-making due to my circumstances (surgery, pain meds...etc). We still wound up talking about the relationship tho because he wouldn't let it go. I guess he needed to let me know how I wounded him. So, I listened...we didn't fight, but I did do some apologizing and acknowledged his feelings and kept mine in check. Before he left, I gave him a hug and told him good luck on his plans. He has already built his future in his mind and they do not include me.

 

As for falling out of love, he says that he still loves me, but not like he used to. Something changed and he just doesn't have those feelings for me like he used to. That's the hard one because that love was the passionate love that endeared him to me so much and it was that passion that made me love him and trust him. Without that, I don't think we have anything else other than a child together. The bills, the house, the responsibilities are all on me....my name and he has the freedom to walk on those. I wouldn't want to use those as a reason to hold him here anyway if this is not what he wants.

 

My heart is mine to reclaim as soon as I am able tho. He states that he was already lonely in our relationship before we got married and thought that marriage would change that. He placed the blame of beer, talking on the phone all the time to others and his obsession of sports on me for the past four years. Proudly, I didn't let that entice me into the fight I feel he wanted. To be honest, those interlopers have been in our relationship for the past 15 years and why I have felt so alone and drowning. Those issues are what took me so long to finally agree to marry him! Epiphany number 2 and why I believe in Al-Anon, I am not his enabler, nor will I let myself be.

 

At any rate, I spoke to his mom tonight because she has been afraid to call me to check on me from the surgery due to the circumstances. He said that she felt bad for us and guilty. She has no reason to feel guilty about anything, I totally love this woman, she raised five kids by herself and has been through so much struggles, but is such a strong woman in spite of her strife. He sent me a text telling me that this made him smile. Glad to know that.

 

Sorry for the long post to those who read this, it's just so much emotion right now, more than I felt in years....I have to find a way to get it out. And it does good to serve as affirmation of the different stages so I can learn from it. Again, thanks to all for your advice and I will continue reading here and learning what I can as well as post to learn from myself and others advice. I know that there is a very long road ahead.

[trippi1432]

You know what I hate about text messages, you can't really tell the feeling behind them....sarcasm, sincerity....etc.

 

Text from husband, midnight last night: "Now that I know u r sincere. I am sorry for hurting your feelings."

 

I don't even know how to respond to that.

[Derek12b]

Use this forum for all it is. I sat up many a night checking this forum getting advice. your story will change as time goes on and you figure out more about what's going on. We are here for you and I hope your story turns out better then mine. Read my posts under....Separation and Breakdown. Write me anytime and I'll help. i wish you the best. You aren't alone!

[trippi1432]

Use this forum for all it is. I sat up many a night checking this forum getting advice. your story will change as time goes on and you figure out more about what's going on. We are here for you and I hope your story turns out better then mine. Read my posts under....Separation and Breakdown. Write me anytime and I'll help. i wish you the best. You aren't alone!

 

 

Thanks Derek, I read your story and all I can say is you deserve better than that. Loneliness in a marriage is one of the worst sufferings, been doing it for a lot longer than my husband did, but when one or the other acts on that loneliness to justify an affair, that's breaking a vow that is near impossible to fix. I wish you the best in finding the best in you and moving on, you need to do that for those kids, I can tell you love them very much from your posts.

[trippi1432]

You know what I hate about text messages, you can't really tell the feeling behind them....sarcasm, sincerity....etc.

 

Text from husband, midnight last night: "Now that I know u r sincere. I am sorry for hurting your feelings."

 

I don't even know how to respond to that.

 

I called my husband and told him that I got his text but really didn't know how to respond to it. He says he is going to call me tonight. Not sure where that is going to take us as I feel that I am supposed to suppress all of the hurt he has caused me and our children for all of these years with his destructive behavior. I know we both caused this, but it seems like he blames me for everything in the relationship....his only blame is that he is not perfect....I guess I was supposed to be perfect.

 

I'm just so on the fence about whether to try and salvage this toxic relationship or finally be free of it. My fear is if I let him come back, I am going to have to walk on eggshells in everything that I do. Any time that I upset him, I am going to have to worry that he will bolt. I've noticed that he has centered everything on just his feelings. He acknowledges that he hurt me, and has hurt me in the past.....his apologies always come with an I'm sorry, BUT if you didn't .......not really an apology but a laying of blame for his actions on everyone but himself. I would rather hear, "I'm sorry that I hurt you by leaving when you were in need of me being a supportive husband. I was wrong for that and I realize what an a** I am. I want to be here for you now and be the husband and man that you fell in love with. I will never do that to you again and promise to really talk to you when I feel lonely instead of letting it get this out of hand."

 

Oops, wait...pipe dream, sorry I watched Bed of Roses last night and thought for one stupid moment why can't it be like the movies. I do admit that I love the part where she tells him that he is supposed to tell her to Stop, Wait, hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright....and he does it!! If only women could lay down their pride to be that open and honest with their men with what they want and if only men could swallow their pride long enough to not think about what's in it for me, maybe divorce wouldn't be so rampant.

[LisaUk]

I was that honest with my ex, I never kept anything to myself, I trusted him implicilty, I told him if I needed something, I made it clear that if he needed anything from me he only had to say, I was always open to hearing him. I made it clear that I beleive honesty is the single most improtant thing in a relationship.

 

That son of b***h lied to me for 18 years! Why? Because he has a problem with conflict resolution from his upbringing apparently WTF!!!!!!!!!!!

[tojaz]

I called my husband and told him that I got his text but really didn't know how to respond to it. He says he is going to call me tonight. Not sure where that is going to take us as I feel that I am supposed to suppress all of the hurt he has caused me and our children for all of these years with his destructive behavior. I know we both caused this, but it seems like he blames me for everything in the relationship....his only blame is that he is not perfect....I guess I was supposed to be perfect.

 

I'm just so on the fence about whether to try and salvage this toxic relationship or finally be free of it. My fear is if I let him come back, I am going to have to walk on eggshells in everything that I do. Any time that I upset him, I am going to have to worry that he will bolt. I've noticed that he has centered everything on just his feelings. He acknowledges that he hurt me, and has hurt me in the past.....his apologies always come with an I'm sorry, BUT if you didn't .......not really an apology but a laying of blame for his actions on everyone but himself. I would rather hear, "I'm sorry that I hurt you by leaving when you were in need of me being a supportive husband. I was wrong for that and I realize what an a** I am. I want to be here for you now and be the husband and man that you fell in love with. I will never do that to you again and promise to really talk to you when I feel lonely instead of letting it get this out of hand."

 

Oops, wait...pipe dream, sorry I watched Bed of Roses last night and thought for one stupid moment why can't it be like the movies. I do admit that I love the part where she tells him that he is supposed to tell her to Stop, Wait, hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright....and he does it!! If only women could lay down their pride to be that open and honest with their men with what they want and if only men could swallow their pride long enough to not think about what's in it for me, maybe divorce wouldn't be so rampant.

 

It dosen't really sound like your on the fence, the feeling I get reading your posts is that you want this to work, but there has also been a lot of damage done that needs to be repaired. If you have to walk on eggshells, then nothing will get better and you are only delaying the inevitable. He needs to accept you and your needs, just as you will have to accept his, a partnership is the only way a marriage works.

 

I believe this (the 2nd bold print)would have saved my marriage. Even now, she won't tell me what it is she wants, just a lot less of me I guess. I was always honest with what i needed from her, and anything she asked for I gave, and then some. Not all men just think about themselves. I'd hate to be lumped into that category. Theres still a few of us good ones out there.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

It dosen't really sound like your on the fence, the feeling I get reading your posts is that you want this to work, but there has also been a lot of damage done that needs to be repaired. If you have to walk on eggshells, then nothing will get better and you are only delaying the inevitable. He needs to accept you and your needs, just as you will have to accept his, a partnership is the only way a marriage works.

TOJAZ

 

I agree, there is so much damage on both our parts and we have never really worked hard on it....marriage is HARD!! With me being out of school and work right now would have been the perfect opportunity to really work on the marriage, but it's hard to do when you aren't under one roof.

 

The other side of me says that I have been unhappy too for most of these 15 years and no matter how many times I want to talk about it, he dismisses my feelings or turns it into something that I have done wrong. Now might be the perfect opportunity to escape that unhappiness if he isn't going to help change this marriage for the better. I can honestly say that while I have been an emotional wreck due to the circumstances, it has been peaceful around the house without all the yelling and nagging going on. It's probably been peaceful for him too.

 

He just sent a text and said that he wants to come alone on Sunday and talk because he has no privacy where he is staying and will call tomorrow....if I feel that the direction equals eggshells for me, it's going to be "Don't let the door hit you" because I know I can't live like that.

 

If worse comes to worse, I hope you are right Tojaz, I hope there are a few good men left in this world.

[tojaz]

I agree, there is so much damage on both our parts and we have never really worked hard on it....marriage is HARD!! With me being out of school and work right now would have been the perfect opportunity to really work on the marriage, but it's hard to do when you aren't under one roof.

Marriage is hard, bet even worse is divorce is too easy. In my mind, I have to try to do everything I can to save it. There are a lot of wounds on both sides in my situation, but I'm willing to dress those wounds and move forward while shes just letting it bleed out. If you are both willing I would put some serious work in, before calling it quits, but obviously it will take an open commitment from both of you.

 

The other side of me says that I have been unhappy too for most of these 15 years and no matter how many times I want to talk about it, he dismisses my feelings or turns it into something that I have done wrong. Now might be the perfect opportunity to escape that unhappiness if he isn't going to help change this marriage for the better. I can honestly say that while I have been an emotional wreck due to the circumstances, it has been peaceful around the house without all the yelling and nagging going on. It's probably been peaceful for him too.

 

I'll let you in on a secret, he feels the same way about you. In a marriage, there are three versions and they are all true. His version, your version, and what others see. They never match! He will dismiss your feelings in the heat of the moment, because they do not match what he remembers and vice versa. For example, one of the things that set my wife off was i was thinking about children. She didn't want them. I had been trying to talk about it for years and finally sat her down to have a discussion. I said clearly that my marriage was more important and just wanted to know how she felt. She heard, give me kids or I'll divorce you! She acted off her version and i acted off of mine and nobody took the time to realize thay where not the same. She would say that i felt her feelings wheren't valid to me, and to be honest, looking back I guess thats how I treated her because they seemed so off base of my version of events, they just seemed wrong. Although with a clear head I can see how this happened but it is too late. As for being peaceful around the house, it is temporary and is replaced by loneliness. At least it was for me.

 

He just sent a text and said that he wants to come alone on Sunday and talk because he has no privacy where he is staying and will call tomorrow....if I feel that the direction equals eggshells for me, it's going to be "Don't let the door hit you" because I know I can't live like that.

You can't live like that, but neither can he. If your going to work it out your both going to be walking on eggshells for awhile until the damage is repaired and something stronger emerges. Just don't lose yourself to keep him! Marriage is about compromise but for both partners. I wouldn't be so hurried to send him off if things don't go your way, it will take time. TIME! Thats something I never got, when she was unhappy, she was gone. I went from happily married to done in 3 months, it took the first two just to get a handle on what was happening but by then she had already moved out and into her apartment.

 

If worse comes to worse, I hope you are right Tojaz, I hope there are a few good men left in this world.

 

Men feel the same way about women! I hope everything works out for you in your marriage, but if it dosen't find someone who deserves what you are willing to give. I'm sure there are a few good men out there, I'm trying very hard to be able to count myself among them. Sorry for the rediculously long reply.

TOJAZ

 

[tojaz]

I would also like to suggest this book. I have read a whole stack of books on divorce and relationships and this one was among the best for me. It gave me a new understanding of how people relate to each other, i couldn't put it down and learned a lot.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572305096/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=304485901&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1572302615&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=048WC7DEV2T0W630XWYB

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Thanks again Tojaz, I might take a look at that book. I'm also checking out some communications books, but I have to say I had a good day today. I did tear up once and it was more on the fact that my husband doesn't love me like he used to.

 

Everything that he has said to me up to this point makes so much sense on why this relationship will not work....the irony is that they are the same words that I have said to him to try and draw him back to the relationship (which didn't work because I was doing it wrong), so is my un-doing.

 

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I think that the easiest thing to do right now is to continue living apart. It's peaceful and today was a low stress day. I enjoyed a movie with my son and he is staying at a friend's house tonight (ok, because he felt that he needed a break from me and his dad...he's pretty convinced that his dad isn't coming back this time), but the truth is....there's been no stress today, no yelling, no fighting, no impatience and no compromises/negotiation. Either the meds are kicking in earlier than normal or I'm finally feeling normalcy in my life.

 

I'm sure that the lonliness will come, I remember the lonliness between husbands, it was exhausting and hurt.....but I'm older now and wiser and I know that I can fill that time with good friends and a glass of wine, being lonely for 15 years...I just value companionship and common interests now. Who knows, I could change my mind tomorrow, but for tonight I remember who I used to be and the peace, the center, feels damn good.

 

As for our son, as bad as it sounds, this might actually be good for him. I think that his father will take his role more seriously being a part of his life and learn to cherish those times with him. My son and I have a good relationship (until he starts criticizing me like his father and I have to pull the parent/respect card), but I can get him to do what is expected of him within a minute unlike his father. Like his dad said the other day, this time leaving didn't hurt....getting thru today....it didn't hurt. Is that strange?

 

Maybe I think too much like a man....I've been accused of being intimidating (couldn't get dates because they either couldn't hold up to the conversation or they were intimidated by a simple 5 foot cock-sure, curly-headed blonde walking across the floor and afraid to approach). What I loved about my husband when I met him was that he was uncomplicated...now it's just complicated.

[Gunny376]

Oh Hell Yea! I miss those days so much! Fussing and fighting, arguing, the anguish, the agony, all the negative feelings.

 

The lies, the cheating!

 

Reminds me of Marine boot camp when before we would 'rack out' for the night we would stand beside our bunks, and yell,....................

 

"Ug, Ug! I love the Corps! I love the Corps! Ship me out for twenty more!"

 

There's no way in Hell I would put up with what you've described of your marriage!

 

I would tell him to grow up, get some get some counseling, learn how to respect a woman, a wife and get back with me in a couple of years!

 

The fact of the matter is? Most people (men and women) aren't cut out for LTR? More the case for men than women IMHO.

 

Women = relationships for the most part.

 

Men = being loners!

 

Men don't get relationships?

[trippi1432]

LOL!! Gunny, I love you!! I've been reading your posts on here and you are so right!! Raise your girls strong!! My daddy is my hero due to that.

 

I wish that my daughter had known her father more, but I proudly ackknowledge the Father's and Mother's day cards I get from her and I continue to hope that I raise my son to both stand on his own two feet as well as treat a woman right.

 

As my daddy told me tonight, "You've worked your a** off to build what you have bulit. If the next guy doesn't open your car door for you....call a cab".

 

I am self-sufficient, and I don't NEED a man, a man is here because I WANT him here....but as I informed my husband the other day...I realize where I messed up...a husband is both wanted and needed. I NEEDED him to be in my life as my husband while I went thru this operation and he left me in my time of need....I only regret that I might not be there for him to hold the phone 9 foot above his head while he has a heart attack..LOL!! Ok, that was bad....BUT it's not the first time he has abondoned me in my time of need. Should have taught me a lesson in marrrying him.