Has my behaviour ruined the relationship and driven him away?

[BraveGirl]

After everything I have read and written about the pain of missing someone, I still have a deep sense of unease, which makes it hard to know how to feel and move on.

Briefly (I have written various versions?!), my bf of 2 years told me 2 1/2 weeks ago that he thought it best we don't see each other anymore, or talk about things any further. I have cried, my world has collapsed, about as bad as it gets.

 

Most of what I have written here so far has been from the point of view of what he has done wrong - being critical, unsupportive, letting me down, commitment phobic, constantly adoring me and withdrawing over again.

 

The details are not that important here, I have another question concerning my contribution and behaviour which really troubles me...I really don't know what the truth of the situation is so I can't get that all important 'closure'.

 

Throughout our relationship a major problem has been his impression that I want too much, to see him too much, not to give him space, have been too impatient, demanding, insecure etc etc. My impression has been that he has been unreliable, unsupportive, uncommitted. As he has said, it's catch 22.

 

Each time he has treated me unfairly as I see it, eg small things like not turning up, not including me, not supporting what I am doing (because he has not agreed with it he says), I have blown up, been so angry, used bad language, said hurtful things.

I am ashamed, we have discussed it, he has rubbed my nose in it til I am squirming with apologies. I have explained time and time again that I was hurt and never meant anything bad I said. He thinks I overreact to being hurt, and I am trying to sort that one out.

 

I know that my 'bad behaviour' has been a direct consequence of feeling hurt on each occasion, and now I really don't know if the truth is that I have been the bad one and have made him constantly run away, or if his behaviour has been unfair and I am right to feel hurt.

 

I am pretty sure that he has finally gone because he does not want any more 'scenes'. He loves many things about me, is obsessive about me physically, thinks I am an 'amazing girl', but doesn't want the trauma.

 

Does it sound like I have ruined it? Whatever happens, whatever he has done to hurt me, it does not justify bad behaviour.

 

Grateful for any opinions please...

[moimeme]

Really, a trained counsellor would have to observe you to determine the true dynamic of the relationship. It is entirely possible from what you said that you are hypersensitive, insecure, and clingy. It is also possible that he is inconsiderate. I think your best bet would to see a therapist who can assess you objectively. Really, there isn't any way that strangers on a board listening to one side of the story can possibly judge.

[BraveGirl]

You're absolutely right moimeme. I have organised a therapist as I really don't know.

I just felt I had to be honest having recieved so much advice from others. Also wondered if anyone else had experience of this, men or women.

[HokeyReligions]

It takes two people - to lay blame wholly on one person would not be accurate. You might bring some of the same traits to a new relationship, but each relationship is different so you also will behave or respond differently.

 

A therapist can help you sort out you, and it sounds like you are already learning a lot about yourself.

[DonTomaso]

I think what you are experiencing is natural when someone you care about shuts you out. It truly makes you question yourself. I went through the same thing when my ex-gf shut me out.

[BraveGirl]

Re HokeyReligions; I remember well at the start of our relationship feeling that I was really trying to do the right things, basically be a loving girlfriend. But it was if he frustrated my attempts to do/be that. I remember beginning to feel a bit disappointed, but instead of communicating (which we learned to do very well but too late) it got into a 'tit for tat' cycle.

I responded,as you say, to him, but maybe I still responded wrongly.

 

Don Tomaso, when you are shut out you have so many questions. Only the other person really knows what happened, so it is obvious you have a need to ask/talk to them. If only we could do this while still in the relationship. It would stop so much agony and bitterness and help us to learn so much more easily if a relationship could end maturely and kindly.

When you say you went through the same thing, what do you mean - worries that you had behaved badly - had you do you think?

[DonTomaso]

Hi BraveGirl... Exactly right!!!

 

I'm sure you want to end things maturely which is just what I wanted to do. I am a firm believer in communication no matter what, and it sounds like you are an advocate of honest communication as well. When the person you care about will not communicate with you on a mature level, it is VERY frustrating...

 

When I said I went through the same thing, I meant that I thought I was at fault for the break-up. Furthermore, I felt completely at fault for driving my ex away to the point where she didn't want to talk to me. Basically, my ex told me that I should stop contacting her and when I asked her why, she told me that I had to get over her. Then she would hang up on me. This obviously didn't answer any of my questions, so I would call her back. So, did I disobey her request? YES! Did she disobey my request? YES!

 

In retrospect, now that I am emotioanlly removed from the situation, I realize that I was only partially at fault... now I realize that my ex is just as guilty as I am. It takes two to tangle.

 

I am in your corner though.. I think it's mean to shut someone out like your ex-bf is doing to you. If he cared about you enough to stay with you for 2+ years, then he should help you through this time if that's what you need. Of course, the flip side is that if he doesn't care enough to do that, then he doesn't deserve you anyway... so you might as well just try to move on. As you said, it's a total catch-22...

 

I'm happy to write more if this helps...

[BraveGirl]

Your response actually made me cry (or maybe listening to Keith Jarrett).

But you put your finger on it - That is what hurts so much, shutting someone out when you apparently care about them.

When it ended, I said this in an email to him; could we not at least be nice to each other at this point. I got no reply, and have made no contact since.

 

He has always always said he cares a lot, maybe that's easier than saying 'I love you', but then why act as if you don't care?

My only solace now is to try to act as if I don't care (by not contacting him).

 

I think he is afraid of my reaction/ behaviour ansd that makes me so sad. 99% of the time I am kind, loving, helpful, he himself says I am so helpful to him and so good to talk to and talk so much sense, but he probably just remembers the times I have flipped.

 

I know he has been inconsiderate. And surely shutting someone out is inconsiderate, even though everyone says forget them anyway and move on.

[DonTomaso]

I'm sorry my response made you cry...Hopefully it was just the tunes.

 

I can hoenstly say that I was in your exact shoes. I would say that 99% of the time I was an absolute prince to my ex-gf, but the 1% is what she chose to hold onto. From your perspective, it sounds like he treats you inconsideratly 99% of the time, yet you chose to forgive him. I am the same way and it is a wonderful personality trait to be able to forgive like that. I wanted the exact same thing as you.. to be nice to eahcother and be on solid ground with her.

 

I promise you that you will come out of this feeling great... It may take a little while, as it did for me, but you will feel wonderful again. You sound like a killer girl.

 

Smiles at you!!!

[moimeme]

I can hoenstly say that I was in your exact shoes. I would say that 99% of the time I was an absolute prince to my ex-gf, but the 1% is what she chose to hold onto.

 

My ex would say exactly the same thing. He had zero conception of how his behaviour affected me or others and no sense that anything he did was inappropriate or wrong. This is very much the nature of the disorder he has. Those who have read the long version of our life together are appalled that I stayed past a couple months. Those who live with partners with disorder are all too familiar with the life it entails - and especially this aspect of that life.

 

I am not saying that anyone here definitely bears the lion's share of responsibility for their broken relationships, however it is worth investigating whether one may have a very skewed idea of his/her role in relationship breakdown. And yes, I have done that in my situation.

[DonTomaso]

Hi moimeme... I'm not exactly sure what you are saying here about disorders? Just curious?

[moimeme]

My ex had ADD. He didn't know it; I figured it out. One of the hallmarks of ADD is that the person with ADD does not realize the effect of his behaviour on others. He would insist he was a 'nice guy' but did things that in a non-disordered person would be considered deeply inconsiderate and hurtful. They were a product of his inability to plan, remember, and be mindful. As such, they were not deliberate.

 

Some people with ADD do eventually 'get' that the disorder causes them to behave in ways that are hurtful to others, but a lot seem to feel that because the behaviour is not deliberate, it should not cause hurt. Partners of people with ADD and other disorders and conditions, including addictions, struggle with feeling hurt and anger over the behaviours - we KNOW they aren't deliberate but that only helps to a small degree.

 

He would have said, and I am sure says to this day, exactly what you said about the 99% and 1%. He had no realistic appraisal that the percentages were actually the reverse.

 

Disorders can affect people's ability to learn social interaction pretty badly. These things can be dealt with, but it requires treatment and, ideally, that treatment will be conducted long before the disordered person reaches adulthood, however the dearth of knowledge about adult ADD means there are lots of adults walking about with this condition that have zero idea they are affected - and also zero idea why they fail in relationship after relationship. The current estimate is that roughly 4% of all adults have ADD.

[DonTomaso]

Thanks for the explanation... much appreciated... I could see how that would be difficult to deal with.

[BraveGirl]

Thanks for your insight moimeme. This is certainly not to do with ADD or any particular disorder though. Just plain hurt. And pain.

 

You do not have to have a disorder to treat people inconsiderately.

I'm still looking for feedback for original question...?

[BraveGirl]

No feedback for a bit but I thought I would just type out my feelings as I'm feeling so very low and sad.

I am beginning to see how inconsiderate he has been, and am wondering how he could not see that himself. I am now not surprised that I have flipped several times, though I am sorry for the extremity of my reactions.

 

When I talk to friends they say, 'but he has treated you soo badly', and I can see what they mean. But when I'm alone again he is in my head every second and I just cry and cry still (it's nearly 3 weeks).

 

I can't stop wanting to contact him, can't think about anything else. I believe that I would be able to cope with being friends, and really can't see why we cannot be. How can someone who says they adore you shut you out so harshly?

Is there any way I can open a chink in the door?

[moimeme]

I can't stop wanting to contact him, can't think about anything else

 

This is common at the end of a relationship. Think of withdrawing from a drug. You have to get it out of your system. If you contact him, you'll just feed the addiction more. Try to distract yourself. Can you spend more time with friends? Join a club, maybe, or take a class.

[DonTomaso]

Hi BraveGirl... I know how you are feeling. I'm sorry.

 

Well, have you ever appologized to him for the way you acted on those rare occasions when you flipped? If you have not, then maybe that is a way to get back into his good graces.

 

I wrote my ex an incredible apology letter months after we broke up that opened the door a little bit, but a few months later she shut it again. It really hurt when that happened.

 

Was the last email you wrote a decleration of your feelings or an apology?

[DonTomaso]

It sounds like you feel guilty for treating him badly on a few occasions, which might mean that you are still mad at him. If you are going to bed angry every night, that agner will build.

 

When I wrote my ex the apoogy, for some reason the weight started to lift off of my shoulders. I don't know if this is the right strategy for you and your situation, but I just want to offer some advice.

 

Write back if you like...

[BraveGirl]

I have apologised so so much. I always do. Over the last 4 months we have talked for hours and hours, forgiven each other, loved each other, gone through periods of being stronger together. During the times when we have not seen each other, I have written very considered emails and letters, always full of apologies. That is not the problem. He seems to accept them only to want another one soon after.

I have really played the position of accepting blame, there is no doubt about that. I have actually probably apologised too much - the apologies began to outweigh the crime!

I began to feel that I must be such a bad person - everything was seen from the viewpoint of what I had done wrong, he could never take responsibility or ever apologise himself.

 

After our very last conversation I sent him emails for a few days. They were very humble and loving. But I never received one acknowledgement, so I then wrote a harsher (not rude) email expressing both my sadness and disillusionment and stating how badly I thought he was behaving. To do otherwise would have been to allow myself to be walked all over - to carry on pouring out my love for it to be trodden on.

 

I had done nothing wrong at the end of the relationship, to the contrary we had had a wonderful weekend together.

 

What actually happened was that his sister phoned in the middle of the weekend with a strange lie. (I wrote about this under Breaking Up). General concensus round here is that she is a nasty interfering b**** (sorry), who messes with everyone's relationships. She has been quite instrumental in ours.

I demanded an apology from him or her this time, never got it. Never spoke to him again.

 

So having apologised maturely and sincerely for every tiny thing I have ever done wrong, I feel pretty hard done by now.

 

If I wrote to him now I don't know what stance I would take.

[DonTomaso]

You certainly don't have to apologize in that case. If a family member of his has interfered with your relationship, it is going to be very hard to overcome that. Just know that it is NOT your fault that the relationship ended. It takes a lot of work from both people to make any relationship work, and if a family member is trying to mess things up, it gets that much harder.

 

You have been treated unfairly in this relationship, but that doesn't mean the next one will be like this. I know it's hard, but just try to relax, take deep breathes, and know that you'll come out of this feeling great again...

[BraveGirl]

Oh god, I just gave in and dialled his mobile. No answer, I really thought he might pick up. So I sent a text just saying 'Friends?'.

I can't bear this silence and cut off.

 

I am now so tempted to write a letter, not angry, just stating how, as you say, I have been treated unfairly. But to do will probably push him further away.

 

I woud love to send him a loving letter but it becomes humiliating to keep on offering your love and have it ignored.

 

What to do? I just can't let this go now!

[DonTomaso]

Oh.... BraveGirl... Sorry...

 

Maybe it's a good thing if you push him away.

 

If he treats you like this, he takes some pleasure in the fact that he has control over you. If you are honest with your feelings and write him a letter telling him how this makes you feel, then it may push him away, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. He is obviously not good for you in the long run, otherwise he wouldn't treat you like this. The further you push him away the less control he has. This may seem counter-intuitive, but I think it works in a weird way.

 

I did the same thing as you many times, I would break down and call and get no response, then I would write a letter. It happened numerous times and now I can honestly say that I never want to contact her again.

 

Write him the letter if your heart tells you to. It will hurt, but I think it might be part of the healing process.

[moimeme]

You could also try pouring out your thoughts in a journal. This has really helped me in confusing or unhappy times. Often, as you write, new and better ways of thinking about the situation come to you. Even if they don't, it can be very cathartic to dump the contents of your brain onto a page.

[BraveGirl]

I've tried absolutey everything. As he has said himself, 'You are tenacious'.

I've written wonderful letters before that have brought him back, have written everything in a journal for the last 4 monthst and that has helped a lot. I've run dry now.

 

Whether he is not good for me in the long run I can't say. I feel so strongly that we belong together, and I would dearly love to be with him again some day. So I don't want to push him further away. As I see it, the bad things become the good things. They teach you about each other, you pull each other out of them. It goes way beyond just liking and fancying someone. You share your passions, troubles and exhilarations. How can you throw that away ?

I just want to talk to him.

 

It's as if he has an On and Off button. When the On button is on, it is so strong. Then the Off button gets stuck again, and I've lost the ability to find it again.

 

What really annoys and frustrates me is that he must know that this shutting out, unchivalric, weak behavoiur makes things worse - wouldn't anyone in their right mind want things to be better than terrible?

 

Why do people do this?

[moimeme]

Why do people do this?

 

Often because they have 'issues'.