About to start LD!

[4givrnt4gtr]

My bf and I have been together for 7 months. We met 5 years ago, lost contact for 3 and last year we met again, which is when we started dating.

Unfortunately by the time I came around he had made plans to go 5 hours away to school. I know its not ridiculously far but its not like i can go see him every weekend. (Specially both of us being in grad school)

 

Anyhow, we both knew this was gonna happen but we continued dating. We've had the best time together, he treats me like Ive always wanted a man to treat me, we are both very happy and we know we are lucky to have found each other.

 

The plan we have is that he is going to go at the end of July and I will join him in May next year after I graduate. In the meantime we will be visiting each other hopefully one a month.

 

At first I wasnt sure he was all that into the whole LD idea, in fact we broke up because he wasnt sure he wanted it. But after a few days of reflection he decided he didnt want to lose me and would give it a try.

 

Ive met his entire family which live where he is moving to and when i did it just felt so right. I didnt want to come back but i knew i had to suck it up and put up with this year. His family welcomed me with open arms and told me I would be welcome to stay with them when he moved up (even though he is planning to have his own place).

 

Well, the time has come. In two weeks he will be gone and I am dreading it. Every second i spend with him is so bittersweet. We have such great times but i keep reminding myself to memorize every second of it, how he feels when he cuddles with me, how he laughs at my silliness. It hurts to know we wont be having those random moments as often anymore.

 

Also, im starting to get afraid. WHat if he decides he doesnt want me anymore after he is there? what if he gets so busy that I just fall out of his "world'? Yesterday he was telling me how excited he was because the second day he is back his friends from childhood were going to have a party and he was so happy he could attend. I felt so left out.

I know this is normal and Im glad he is excited about his new life, but im so nervous we will lose our connection. How can I make sure it doesnt happen? I know we both can see us getting married and both want this to work...but what if life happens and gets in the way? I know its a risk we are taking but its so nervewrecking

 

How did you deal with the uncertainty when you started your LD??

[Lunchbox]

I have many of the same questions you do 4givrnt4gtr, I am starting a job in a different city and my girlfriend of 6 months and I are goign to try and work it out together.

 

I am going to buy her a webcam so we can see eachother, I plan to send her things randomly in the mail, etc. I want to stay a part of her life and still be able to see her as often as possible.

 

We planned on being able to drive halfway and meet to make it easier, and little things like that.

 

Hopefully it works out for both of us!

[Island Girl]

There are certainly fears when you go from a day to day life with someone to LD and not seeing them or having those kinds of constant reassurances that come from being near each other.

 

The trepidation those of us that have had this happen face is unique even in the LDR world of insecurities and fear.

 

The constant thought is "How will he/she stay just as in love and just as attached if I'm not THERE??" and "What if somebody else IS there who can provide all that I can't anymore??"

 

But you know YOU won't just forget HIM, right?

 

So there lies the problem. Your sure of yourself and your feelings but unsure if he has the same strength and fortitude to last through the distance.

 

I've been there. And we have made it through for a VERY long time.

Now I do know we can make it through no matter what.

But it did take time.

And it took a lot - A LOT - of effort on both our parts.

 

We did make certain agreements like we always answer questions with a straight immediate answer.

There are no stupid questions and it doesn't matter if it the same question that has been asked before. Any question gets an answer.

 

We also talked about the insecurities that can arise because of the distance and there is always an understanding that this can happen on either side. We agreed we'd help each other with any of those situations when they arose.

They have presented themselves (QUITE OFTEN in the beginning) and each of us has gone the extra mile to "talk each other down off the ledge" so to speak.

We give reassurances when they are needed (as many as it takes) - and when they aren't.

 

We made the agreement that our lives became open books to each other. Anything is open for asking about or talking about. If it is uncomfortable we just had to get over it.

This was the biggest thing for me because there are many times when I had to be extremely vulnerable with how I was feeling or what was going through my head.

At times they were completely irrational thoughts -- but they'd plague me nonetheless -- that I had to put out there. Certainly that happened on his side too.

 

Keeping a journal of the wonderful things that he'd say really helps when the insecurities creep up. Use those remarks to get you grounded until you can talk to him about what you are feeling. It really does work!

 

Our relationship is stronger than any I know of now. And I know it s because of the closeness we developed AFTER we went LD.

We know each other in ways that no other person can.

He knows me better than my own mother knows me.

 

We wrote letters for each other. In the time we couldn't talk on the phone for whatever reason - we'd write.

So we'd each get these surprise letters in the mail that was just like reading the other person's thoughts.

They were filled with stuff we wouldn't talk about.

Things that happened throughout the day(s) and what our reactions were and why.

Mine were a bit more detailed than his but when we'd get them it was like getting blueprints to each other's brain - if that makes any sense.

 

In the end it is up to the two of you to hold on and do what is necessary to keep the other person a priority. To us, that means we come before anyone there. We come before friends, family, etc.

And FULL information disclosure is key.

 

A relationship CAN last and can still progress when faced with distance and difficult circumstances. You just have to have a "no matter what - we work it out" attitude and be open, honest, and vulnerable to each other.

 

I wish you the best.

[4givrnt4gtr]

There are certainly fears when you go from a day to day life with someone to LD and not seeing them or having those kinds of constant reassurances that come from being near each other.

 

The trepidation those of us that have had this happen face is unique even in the LDR world of insecurities and fear.

 

The constant thought is "How will he/she stay just as in love and just as attached if I'm not THERE??" and "What if somebody else IS there who can provide all that I can't anymore??"

 

But you know YOU won't just forget HIM, right?

 

So there lies the problem. Your sure of yourself and your feelings but unsure if he has the same strength and fortitude to last through the distance.

 

I've been there. And we have made it through for a VERY long time.

Now I do know we can make it through no matter what.

But it did take time.

And it took a lot - A LOT - of effort on both our parts.

.

 

This has been the most reassuring post ive gotten in a long time. Im so glad to hear im not the only one who's felt this way about their relationship. It helps me see that we're not immediately doomed but it comes with the territory.

 

I guess time will tell how strong we really are. I have a lot of hope about us and I know he does too, but i guess the fear of the unknown creeps up on us, specially since he isnt gone just yet so we dont know how this si gonna be like...

 

Anyway thank you so much for your response. It calmed me down a HUGE deal

[Island Girl]

This has been the most reassuring post ive gotten in a long time. Im so glad to hear im not the only one who's felt this way about their relationship. It helps me see that we're not immediately doomed but it comes with the territory.

 

I guess time will tell how strong we really are. I have a lot of hope about us and I know he does too, but i guess the fear of the unknown creeps up on us, specially since he isnt gone just yet so we dont know how this si gonna be like...

 

Anyway thank you so much for your response. It calmed me down a HUGE deal

 

Thank you for the complimentary reply.

 

My husband and I started out the same way - with the same fears, etc. and here we are years later now married and more committed than I would have thought possible (even compared to living together before all of this).

 

As long as the two of you stay open, honest, committed, and get to a place where you can be completely vulnerable - you will be fine.

Just share what you are feeling with each other and try to stay in a place of understanding how the other person feels.

 

I don't do anything I would not feel comfortable with him doing and vice versa. That little rule has really helped avoid some tough situations!

I know another person here who has said the same rule helped her relationship as well (they just recently married! ).

 

Come here if you need to vent. It is HARD. But I have found it is worth every second. Eventually we will be together again. So it is worth it that we have that to look forward to and didn't just let something so wonderful slip away because of geography.

 

You guys can make it.

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

 

You guys can make it.

 

Im putting all my hopes on this thought....

 

He just left a few minutes ago. I have been surprisingly strong. we hugged and kissed by the car but it just felt like he was going to his place down here, not 300 miles away.

 

I gave him a little going away gift along with a card that was perfect. the front had two houses next to each other. The legend said "in my perfect universe your house would be next to mine" and inside it said "dont even get me started on the perfect universe we would create together"

 

I thought it was perfect and so did he, he even asked me if i customed made it.

 

I also wrote that i was gonna miss him so much but that i knew 10 months would fly and all this madness of being apart would be over soon. And most of all, that all this was gonna be worth it in the end if it meant to spent many more months and years together.

When he read it he just gave me a big hug and told me he was gonna miss me so much.

 

So...

 

Here we are, the countdown begins...thankfully ill be seeing him in two weeks when i drive up.

 

300 days to go til we can be together for good.

[somuchpain]

You can do it!!!