Please help with this vent!! NEED ADVICE

[momof6kds]

[color=indigo][/color] Please help me get over this and move on with my life! Any advice is greatly appreciated. OK here goes. About 4 months ago my brother in-law and his fiancee moved here from out of state. When they arrived they had nothing and my husband and I took it opon our self's to help them get on there feet. We loaned them lots of money and bought them gas, food and cigarettes. We got them both jobs got her a job working for my mother and him a job where my husband works and found them an apartment. Brother in-law's fiancee and I were becoming very close and I was running her around town showing her where things were and making sure she was OK. Here is where the trouble started. About 3 weeks ago on the night my sister was to come into town this girl takes my husband into our bedroom and proceeded to tell him that he "deserves better than me" and that I am a bad wife and mother and don't fulfill his needs. She told him that he needs to "demand more from me to clean the house more and that we should be living better for the money he makes. She also told my husband that she had friends back home who would do and fulfill all his wishes and that she would call them for him. This girl has a "few "psychology courses under her belt and thinks that gives her license to counsel anyone she wants without being invited too. My husband told her repeatedly that he was happy and has never been so happy in his whole life (we have been married for 9 years and have 6 children) her answer to him what the he is "in denial and does not know what happiness is". This girl is 23 years old has never been married and has no children! What makes her think she can judge or evaluate my relationship? My husband and I are very close and we are the best of friends...always have been. Anyone who spends time with us knows how very close we are. I just don't get where this all came from. My husband told me about this the next day and after we talked about it he picked up the phone and called his brother and told him that although he was always welcome to come over and we love him that his fiancee is no longer welcome in our home. That same day we went over to pick up Christmas gifts we had them keep so the children wouldn't find them and of course she was not around but had written me a not so nice long note.

Guys help me with this! I have never in my life felt so much hate and contempt for another human being. I just can't seem to get over this. Friends have suggested writing her a letter or confronting her but I refused for two reasons. 1. Writing or talking to her would open the door again I refuse to put my relationship in jeopardy and 2. I am a firm believer that if you put out negativity it comes back to you 10 fold and if I were to write or talk to her it would most defiantly be coming from a place of great negativity and hate. The only thing I was thinking about and will do... although not sure how much good it will do (no flames for my beliefs please) is to smudge (clean) my house with White Sage then go outside and have a ritual burning of her letter then take a bath in Sea Salt to remove all negativity from my home left here from her. I have prayed...I have meditated and I have tried to give this to G-D/Spirit but I just can't seem to move past this. HELP any suggestions? I need to be able to come to a place where I can feel love for her (not a relationship) not hate and feel sorry for the sad life she has had to live.

Just Me

[EnigmaXOXO]

Ah, yes. No good deed goes unpunished.

 

First, I commend your husband for telling you what happened and for the admirable way he responded and came to your defense. You hang onto that man and never let him go. He is a rare catch indeed!

 

As for this ditzy, home-wrecking b*tch, she is a fry short of a Happy Meal. Just because someone has had a few courses in psychology doesn't necessarily mean they have the presence of mind to help or analyze others. Intellect and wisdom are too different things. And even crazy people can acquire degrees. I have many friends who are so-called "professionals" in the field themselves and their lives are just as dysfunctional as those they are paid to council. Some of them even see therapists. Ever hear of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? The profession is full of them!

 

Don't give this young girl any power over your relationship. Do not allow her to undermine your emotional well-being. Your relationship is solid, and no one with ulterior motives will be able to destroy that so long as you and your husband remain a united front. She has paid the price for her indiscretion by embarrassing herself in front of your husband and being banished from your home. Let her sit and chew on that for a while. Don’t give her the privilege of any further contact.

 

Meanwhile, continue to do whatever it is you feel you need to do to process your anger in healthy, non-destructive ways. Many of the traditional indigenous families I worked with often used “smudging” as a means to help them overcome negative feelings and emotions. Much like lighting a candle in church, it is a way to make the intangible tangible…being able to manifest these things physically often helps us to better deal with what we are unable to see and touch. And it’s so much better than putting your fist threw a wall!

 

Three deep breaths, Mom. She hasn’t damaged your relationship. She is powerless to have any influence over your husband or you unless you allow it. If anything, she’s made your relationship stronger by forcing you to pull together.

[midori]

wow.

 

1. Pity your brother-in-law. Maybe this episode will show his fiancee in a new light, one that he won't find so appealing.

 

2. I think you and your husband did absolutely the right thing in telling his brother that he was fine with you two but she is no longer welcome.

 

3. By way of explanation, not excuse (there is no excuse for this awful girl's behavior), young people often think they know a lot more than they do. They haven't lived long enough to understand that idealism and life don't often meet. Ironic in that you could have judged her on many things, but instead were generous and kind. Well, you won't be anymore -- and she has no one but herself to blame.

 

4. Obviously you already know this but any number of psychology courses does not make a person savvy, sensitive or wise.

 

5. I think in the long run, and the short run for that matter, the best thing for yourself will be to completely ignore this girl. You've already let them know that you two want nothing further to do with her. What more is there to say? Ignoring her will be good for you, and will be terribly insulting to her. I've always thought that indifference and contempt are the best revenge. There's no point in giving her a piece of your mind -- she's too dense to understand anyone's perspective but her own.

 

6. Look on the bright side -- you won't have to buy them a weddding gift, nor will you have to pitch in to help with tedious wedding tasks. I say this assuming that you won't be attending their wedding, should it actually happen.

 

7. If you're smarting and galled that this girl could so misinterpret you, your husband, your family, and your marriage after all the kindness you showed her, bear in mind that you cannot force gratitude from anyone. There is nothing you can do that will make her see the light. But given the enormous gap between the way you treated her, and her subsequent assessment of you, you can rest assured that she wasn't actually responding to you, but to issues that she has that warp her perceptions of others, and of herself in relation to others. People often toss around "oh she's just insecure" when trying to console someone who has been hurt by another's terrible behavior. It might seem like a meaningless phrase: of course she's insecure, we're all insecure. But actually it really does sound like she is struggling with some major confidence problems. People who are relatively secure with themselves and what they're doing in life usually don't feel the need to snipe at other people. They don't take it upon themselves to butt in where their opinion is not wanted. If this girl is convinced that she knows what's going on in your life and your husband's, it can only be because she can't bear to look at her own life.

 

Ignore her, she's not worth it. With luck your brother-in-law will break up with her. I can't imagine keeping someone around who insulted my family members as she has.

[vintim53]

I dont have an answer, but I do have a comment. Your husband is to be commended for his honesty in telling you and his conviction in telling his brother not to bring her around.

[momof6kds]

[color=darkblue][/color]

[color=darkblue][/color] Thank you guys so much for the reply it means so much to me to feel validated that NO I am not nuts and what she did was very wrong! Don't know why I ever doubted myself. Yes my husband is a gem..... the most kind, honest, selfless person I have ever met and yeppers he is a keeper he he. I think what made it hurt the worst was that I am a kind of private person and don't have that many friends. The Friends I do have are very old friends from grade school or high school that I have known for many years and trust. Unfortunately for me I did open up and share with her for the first time in many years (sharing with another woman) and she used that to hurt me. The things I value most in this world are my husband and family... I place very high value on them and she used that to her advantage to hurt me or whatever her motive was. Some part of me and hubby feels the same is that she was trying to make me look bad so she could look wonderful and have a chance at my husband...... thank goodness our relationship is rock solid... and who was it that said? It was of value because it brought us closer? Indeed it did! I do worry about a few things though and maybe you can help? I worry that she will tarnish my name with the family and my husbands work! I know that I need to stop thinking about that and anyone who knows me will see right through her games but still it is a worry. Second is that since she works for my mother it would be very hard for me to go see her at her shop! I need to go down there sometime soon and pick up some sage (to smudge with) and pick up more Nag Champa for the house. I worry how to handle this if I am confronted with her. I know that I would have a very easy time ignoring her but what if she confronts me? Also the annual Christmas party is coming up for my husbands work and I know she will be there (she would not pass up a free meal) and just not sure how to Handel myself in that uncomfortable situation? This woman is the kind of person who will start whispering the minute I walk in the room and try to make me look bad! Sure hope everyone can see through it as my husband has worked very hard for the name he has with the company and I would hate to see her tarnish his name. I know I need to get over this....move on..... let it go but.... I have so many worries that she will upset my life even more. My husband and I have worked very hard to be where we are today dunno sigh. This woman has challenged my whole world! I am a mother and wife first. That is who I am right now and my identity (not that I don't have other interests just that it's who I am right now in my life.) For the last 16 years I have been someone's mother or someone's wife and by doing what she did has made me doubt who I really am and what my life is about. Does that make sense to you? Anyway thanks so very much for the replies!

Just Me

[midori]

I don't know the law on this, but it seems to me that your mom has grounds to terminate this girl's employment. Heck, if Jamie31 (another member who recently lost her job because of one cranky customer) could get fired at the drop of a hat with no grounds for appealing the decision, I should think this girl could be let go. Her antics have made you hesitant to come into your mother's shop, thus interfering with business.

 

As for your husband's company xmas party, a few things occur to me:

 

1. Your bro-in-law should be made aware that bringing his fiancee will make you and your husband uncomfortable. It's up to your bro-in-law, of course, but since he's got your husband to thank for the job in the first place, and you have let him know what his fiancee did, I should think he would be sensitive enough to take your feelings into consideration.

 

2. You assume that this girl has the ear of your husband's coworkers and spouses -- why do you assume that? And even if she knows them well enough to bad-mouth you to them, why do you assume that they would put stock in what she has to say?

 

3. There is a chance that you actually will end up with this wretched girl as your sister-in-law. Even if you blow off the wedding, there will be times when being in their company will be unavoidable. You have two choices: you can let this eat you up with worry and resentment, or you can shrug your shoulders and acknowledge that it can't be helped, but who cares anyway? Who's the better person? Who's got the respect and admiration of her family members? Let's face it most of us have some family members that we're not too fond of. Doesn't mean we have to hide from them, or seek to have them booted from the family.

 

Given that this just recently happened, I do think it would be appropriate to ask your bro-in-law to leave Little Miss Opinionated at home during the company xmas party (they can make an excuse about her being sick or something). But after a couple of months you're going to have to deal with this girl, for at least as long as your bro-in-law is with her. Hopefully it won't be long before he dumps her, but in the meantime if you try to make a pariah out of her in the extended family, and in the community, you may find that he will be pushed into sticking by her. You could say something like, "Look, Bob, you know how hurtful Stacey was to me and Jim, and I hope that you can appreciate that we need a bit of time before we'll be able to manage to be even civil to her. And since she has already demonstrated her bizarre hostility toward me, and her incredibly bad judgement about what is and is not appropriate to say to other people, we're a little concerned about how she might behave toward us at the party. We hate to make it tough on you but could you find a way to not bring her to the company xmas party?" Don't insist, just gently make your wishes known.

 

I assume you've told your mom about this already? And I assume that she now holds this girl in contempt? Shouldn't be hard for your mom to reach the conclusion that this girl's services are no longer needed.

 

But sooner or later you're going to have to get over it. If she continues to be overtly hostile to you, bad-mouthing you, etc., she is going to look like a nasty little nut, and will soon have a reputation as such. You can't make her disappear or reform. I agree you should be spared her unwanted company in the short run, but you can't do that forever. You and your husband both know you're fine. You've got six(!) kids, plenty of more important things to keep you busy. Who cares about her?

[moimeme]

Hi, Momof!

 

I have a different take on this.

 

I agree that this person did a very stupid and unkind thing. As Midori pointed out, some younger people can be unaware of how little they actually do know or understand about people and they can be extremely judgmental because of this.

 

I think that maybe it's time to get a bit of perspective on this. She's done a bad and stupid thing, but it was one thing one time and she's already been ostracized and told off for it. People need to be able to make mistakes, and, hopefully, learn from them. I would hold off on firing her and all the rest - give her a chance to wise up.

 

As for you, don't turn her into a monster. She's a person who's dead wrong about something - that does not make her evil or bad or anything else and, because she's not real old, there is still hope for her to mend her ways.

Sometimes mere mistaken mortals turn into huge demons in our eyes - you are now worried that she'll ruin your reputation, speak about you, etc. etc. She hasn't that much power and the most important thing is that your husband sticks by you. That will discredit anything she may try to say and she'll just look stupid.

 

Really, she probably needs pity. I think ostracizing her from everything forever is much too strong. Have a chat with her or you and your husband have a chat with her and your brother-in-law, and clear the air between you. You might wish to print out your thread and the responses (I'd take off anything that identifies the site, though) and give it to her.

 

Too often, someone who commits one error is never given a chance to make amends or change. I'd not write this young person off that quickly. Your understanding kindness to her and the way you treat her may eventually make her very ashamed of herself. People are entitled to be wrong, and to be forgiven for having been wrong.

 

If you speak with her and find her to still be adamant about her ideas, then perhaps you'll want to take steps to avoid her in future, however until then, I'd urge you to try to sort this out.

 

People tear families apart and cause endless pain by continuing fights for years and years. I think that if you deal with her as a mistaken, inexperienced, unwise young person rather than as an evil enemy, you may win her over and bring her around. You needn't fear her; she needs understanding, really. Remember, she may look like an adult but she's behaving very young; think of her as just a kid and you'll lose your fear and hate and be able to deal with her.

[momof6kds]

[color=indigo][/color] Yes, yes I do agree that the youth need to learn from mistakes and need a helping hand coming up! I parent with great love and understanding and hey I learn lots of things from my children if I just slow down and listen. The problem here is that this girl is still very adamant about "her view" the letter she wrote me the next day said she was "not trying to absolve herself from any guilt.. just that she wanted me to understand where she was coming from". I do not wish any harm on this girl and yes family disagreements can be a hurtful thing for all involved. I do not wish to get her fired from my mothers business as she needs to make a living and that way she can fend for herself and pay her bills. This girl is a social climber and yes I say that so that it is a bad thing. I grew up in a family with money and have seen it time and tome again. The kind of person she is..is that she will step on anyone regardless of feelings to get to the top. She thinks when she is done with school she will come out making 100k a year and this is just not so. We all need to start somewhere. Unfortunately for her she did not show up for work today nor call to tell where she is so I can see that this person truly does not want to better her life just wants my BIL to take care of her while she is in school sink or swim. I do wish it was a situation where she just made a snap decision and confrontation but this is not the case. She still stands by her motives and I by mine. You know I think forgiveness is a process that takes time and there are many steps along the way. I have just about come to a place where I feel sorry for her and what she projects on other people.I feel good about her today and know my family and my friends will see her for who she is. After all it's been almost 10 years that they have known me and her just for a short time. Anyone who knows me would have to take a serious look at what she says to take her seriously and furthermore to make a judgment. Today is a great day as the Harmonic Concordance is tonight. My family will be watching the total lunar eclipse and feeling spirit and I can truly say I will be participating not with a heavy heart but with a wonderful uplifting feeling. As above so below!

 

Remember be careful what you think because "thought creates reality" ::: love and blessings to you all! Find Zen in yourself and forgive all for we will all ascend together!

Just me Hilary

[quankanne]

I'm going to be the naysayer here by advising you to put your foot down to her bad behavior.

 

She's too old to put into "time-out" but not too old to be told in no uncertain terms that because she is "grown up" you expect her to behave accordingly. That while you respect the fact that she has her own opinions, you don't respect being treated shabbily or disrespectfully when you've been hospitible to her.

 

This isn't about being mean or sinking to her level, but simply letting a person know where you stand on this kind of behavior. The other things you are doing just fine, but until you've impressed upon her that you don't play these kinds of games, nor does your family, you're going to feel miserable about the whole thing.