frankieboy Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 My wife and I have had many problems since we have been married (And prior). A lot of the problems come about because of her upbringing. She was raised in a family with a brother whom is mentally disabled. Her mother is a manic depressive and has always put her down. I have been absorbing all the pain for the past few years of our marriage and am getting frustrated. I don't understand how to communicate with her and have tried everything including going to counselling the last few years. Lately I have been questioning if we should be together??? She never seems happy and I am starting to become depressed. I have put in a lot of effort and have seen minimal results. Also, she has a difficult time talking about her family (not to say I am the greatest communicator). I would like to understand in order to try to see where all the pain is coming form but cant seem to get through. I am afraid that I am in a hopeless situation. Most of the time she is controlling, petty, demanding and hurtful, yet always projects it on me when I try to tell her. She also can be a wonderful person that totally baffles me. Lately I have been thinking of the future and wondering who/whom will be talking care of her disabled brother when her parents pass. I want to discuss this with her but am scared to do so. She is always very hesitant to talk about it. What should I do and how should I initiate the conversation? Also, if I don't feel like I am willing to accepts this HUGE responsibility, how could I communicate this to her? I am really worried all the time about this and the other issues. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks, Link to post Share on other sites
Andy L Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Man, your wife needs your help.. If i were in her situation I'd rather not been asked for that. But you have your own problems with this stress in the family, so you also need help. If you think possible to talk to her without hurt your wife, go a head. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I don't understand how to communicate with her and have tried everything including going to counselling the last few years. Has she done any counseling during this time? Lately I have been thinking of the future and wondering who/whom will be talking care of her disabled brother when her parents pass. I want to discuss this with her but am scared to do so. She is always very hesitant to talk about it. What should I do and how should I initiate the conversation? Also, if I don't feel like I am willing to accepts this HUGE responsibility, how could I communicate this to her? I am really worried all the time about this and the other issues. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated. If speaking to her on the issue isn't appealing, the alternative is worse. She may assume that your silence on the subject is quiet agreement. I'd have the conversation in a specific, non-judgemental way, starting with "What do you see happening to your brother when your parents are no longer able to care for him?". She may feel the same as you, problem solved. Understand that there are other issues besides your BIL's residence in your home. If he needs long-term care, who pays? If he visits, for how long? Nothing to be gained by putting off the conversation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I think you HAVE to talk to her about her brother. If not, you may well find this responsibility placed on you whether you want it or not. But I also think your marriage has deeper issues than this, and if you're unhappy, and if she's unwilling to talk reasonably with you about these issues and/or seek counseling, that doesn't leave you in a very good place. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Both of you also need individual counseling ("IC") so you can address your issues as individuals, her for her family and past, you for why you're willing to take on someone with so much baggage. You can't fix her. No one partner should ever be afraid of broaching any topic with their spouse. Having said that, have you considered MC? This exact topic could be broached during a session so a marriage counselor can watch the dynamics of your relationship while attempting a discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankieboy Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 Thanks guys/gals. The advice really helps. We have tried counselling and it helps (VERY SLOW process). I have never asked the counselor this question directly. I guess I feel guilty about asking it. But you are ALL right. i need to have closure on it. The nervousness I have now is: If the answer is that we have to take care of her brother how should I feel? One side of me wants to accept it because I love her. The other side feels angry and wants to go off on her for never telling me (even though, I know that she will probably try to say she has told me and start crying and getting angry and blame it on me). Also, I did try once to ask her (prior to our marriage) when she told me her parents and her were going to a lawyer so she can become his legal guardian after her dad died. It was difficult just to get that info out of her and Afterwards I tried opening the issue. I asked her what did being a guardian mean. She told me that she was going to make decisions about what happens to him. And that her mom could not take care of him by herself after her dad passed (told me in an annoying why are you asking me way). and then she kind of tried to change the subject. Also, A few months ago her dad told me that her other brother had asked him about the disabled brother and that he told him, "dont worry, well put him in a home when your mom and me are gone". I am so confused.......What happens when he is gone. Are we going to help the mom take care of him OR are they going to put him in a Home after the dad dies. Little bit of background on his condition: The brother is autistic, only sleeps for a few hours. He needs constant care...totally mentally disabled......I really feel for her parents but am afraid for us too. How can we deal with something like this if we barely get along now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankieboy Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 How can you respond to your own post such that everyone sees it and can respond? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 as hard as this will be, frankie-honey, it's time to hold a family pow-wow so that everyone is on the same page when it comes to caring for your BiL. His parents may already have picked out a group home for him, with your wife overseeing his needs as power of attorney, but you won't know for sure unless you ask. this is VERY IMPORTANT, because everyone needs to know what their role is in the situation. Last year, my dad was told he wasn't going to live 'til Easter, and he gave my oldest sister dual power of attorney (legal and medical), and the other two of us girls medical attorney. Meaning if K wasn't there to make a healthcare decision, me or D could do so. And did. Though D sniped and complained, it worked out best this way because K is excellent at project management (must grin when I think of anyone managing our daddy!), and all we had to help with was the donkey work. Same thing when Dad died, oldest brother was tapped as senior executor (I'm the number two executor), and has been taking care of dad's estate, with K as his agent of residence here in Texas (Bro lives out of state). Again, other sibs have sniped and complained, but it's worked out really well for the most part. Simply because everyone knows what needs to take place. it gives a piece of mind because you're not second-guessing, just doing your job. For someone like your disabled BiL, that's very, very important, because he may not easily adjust if his parents predecease him ... and it might just give you and your wife the chance to go at this as a team, rather than you trying to figure out what's going on and merely responding to what's happening. if she yells, she yells. Just calmly and firmly tell her that you want to be able to present a united front when she needs your help, if this is what you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankieboy Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 I still have not had the guts to talk to her about it. I keep wrestling with this topic. I am wondering if I should tell the MC about it and have him open the topic............I don't know anymore.....I don't even know what I would do if she said yes. I hate to say it.....I think I would leave.....not just because of this situation but because of everything combined with it (the bad communication, the hurtful words, all the other baggage, the bossiness). It's amazing how you could love someone and know that they love you but feel so negative towards them at the same time...... Link to post Share on other sites
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