Is she a he?

[Concerned friend]

I have a male friend I work with that began seeing a female here in the same company almost a year ago. He has been a good friend for many years. He hasn't had much luck in the dating scene since I've known him. My understanding is that he hasn't dated since High School. He's in his late 20's now. Anyway, this female developed immediate interest in him when she started working here. They began dating exclusively and seriously. They have since moved in together. Everything would seem to be great except one thing. I heard from a very reliable source that this woman was a man in high school. I got a name and a yearbook picture. She has the voice to prove it and is over 6' tall. She appears feminine enough to pass herself off as having always been female. My source says that she did have surgery so I'm pretty sure my friend has no idea. He talks about possibly having children one day with her even though she tells him that she's not sure if she can have children. I'm about 99% sure that she used to be a he. There are very few people here in the company that know this. My question is, should he be told by a friend, anonymously or not at all. I feel like I have an obligation to my friend to tell him if he is being deceived, but since I'm not completely sure I have left well enough alone. They seem very happy together but I see disaster in the future.

[Ajay]

Concerned friend:

 

Stay out of it. If that 1% remaining proves you to be wrong you won't be a concerned friend anymore, you will no longer be a friend at all. Besides, maybe your friend already knows and doesn't care. Sounds like maybe you don't have ALL the facts. My question to you is why the background check on this "female". Keep digging and you just may lose your friend. If your friend doesn't know, finds out, loses it, asks you if you knew about it...be a real friend -- say "I had no idea" and help your friend recover from the shock and disappointment, he'll really need your concern then.

I have a male friend I work with that began seeing a female here in the same company almost a year ago. He has been a good friend for many years. He hasn't had much luck in the dating scene since I've known him. My understanding is that he hasn't dated since High School. He's in his late 20's now. Anyway, this female developed immediate interest in him when she started working here. They began dating exclusively and seriously. They have since moved in together. Everything would seem to be great except one thing. I heard from a very reliable source that this woman was a man in high school. I got a name and a yearbook picture. She has the voice to prove it and is over 6' tall. She appears feminine enough to pass herself off as having always been female. My source says that she did have surgery so I'm pretty sure my friend has no idea. He talks about possibly having children one day with her even though she tells him that she's not sure if she can have children. I'm about 99% sure that she used to be a he. There are very few people here in the company that know this. My question is, should he be told by a friend, anonymously or not at all. I feel like I have an obligation to my friend to tell him if he is being deceived, but since I'm not completely sure I have left well enough alone. They seem very happy together but I see disaster in the future.

[Tony T]

I really do think this is something your friend ought to know. I've seen these sort of things revealed on talk shows and the exchanges became explosive.

 

I know you hate to rain on your friend's parade but he will probably be repulsed if his lady is actually a transexual.

 

You need to have a talk with him and, by all means, present him with everything you know. Let him know it's all circumstantial but seems to very strongly lean to the possibilty that his dreamboat used to be a steamship. Then it will be up to him to do his own investigation and to approach his "lady" and find out just what the scoop is.

 

Since this is uncharted social territory, I don't really know to what extent a person who has paid many thousands of dollars to change their sex is obligated to tell others. If I paid that kind of bread for a sex change operation, I would probably want to continue on in my new sex role undetected. However, I do think there is a basic need for any transexual to announce to a suitor at some point that she used to be a he (or vice-versa).

 

Be SURE you let your friend know you are presenting him with some information but you ARE NOT SURE. It will be up to him to confirm things from there in whatever way he sees fit.

 

I hope you will share pictures of the kids if any are conceived!!!

[Tony T]

Ajay:

 

You've made some really great points here. A lot of people in love don't really want to know the truth...or they know it and it doesn't matter. That goes for most situations.

 

But I have really given this a lot of thought. If there was even the slightest possibility I was dating a transexual, I would certainly want to be told. And if I knew and didn't care and a good friend brought the information to me, I would be relieved that it was out in the open.

 

If this lady gives her friend the information out of love and concern and he gets pissed off, he's not much of a friend and certainly not worth being concerned about.

 

This is a truly touchy issue and everything you said has a lot of merit. It's a difficult decision for anybody to make but I would absolutely advise any friend of mine if I had this kind of information and be willing to take the consequences. You touched on what those consequences could be and you are correct.

 

Sometimes life takes guts and courage. The path of least resistance is to keep the mouth shut. But the judgement call here is whether her friend would be the most grateful guy in the world to have the information...or get pissed. If I was her friend, I would pay big bucks for someone to come forward and tell me my honeybunch was a recycled man.

 

Life is just a bitch sometimes!!! I hope others will give their take on this. I can't wait to hear how others think. And thank God for the Internet. Where else could this lady ask for advice like this???

 

I pray that this does not evolve into a common problem!!!

[Ajay]

Tony:

 

Glad to see your re-response. I kept thinking about my comments; there was so much more I wanted to add. After reading your posting I thought; "ya know, he's right". If my friend even suspected such a thing, I would expect it to be shared with me. Hey I might get pissed but, if it were a friend of mine, I'd get over it -- I always do.

 

Guess I've learned to "stay out of it" because I've opened my mouth before -- thinking I knew something -- found to be totally wrong, and POW! Remember the shut-mouth procedure? Sounds like this might not be such a good time to utilize it -- this is a BIG deal...

 

I am of the belief you can tell a friend ANYTHING. The least a Concerned friend can do is share their concern. I see this as a very serious, delicate situation, with explosive potential when the TRUTH is exposed (so to speak). More to follow I'm sure...

 

I too would like to hear others opinions re. this.

 

Ajay

 

P.S. Just noticed something on re-read...Why do you think concerned friend is a woman (i.e., "where else could this lady...")? I am assuming the friend is a man, did I miss something?

Ajay: You've made some really great points here. A lot of people in love don't really want to know the truth...or they know it and it doesn't matter. That goes for most situations. But I have really given this a lot of thought. If there was even the slightest possibility I was dating a transexual, I would certainly want to be told. And if I knew and didn't care and a good friend brought the information to me, I would be relieved that it was out in the open.

 

If this lady gives her friend the information out of love and concern and he gets pissed off, he's not much of a friend and certainly not worth being concerned about. This is a truly touchy issue and everything you said has a lot of merit. It's a difficult decision for anybody to make but I would absolutely advise any friend of mine if I had this kind of information and be willing to take the consequences. You touched on what those consequences could be and you are correct. Sometimes life takes guts and courage. The path of least resistance is to keep the mouth shut. But the judgement call here is whether her friend would be the most grateful guy in the world to have the information...or get pissed. If I was her friend, I would pay big bucks for someone to come forward and tell me my honeybunch was a recycled man. Life is just a bitch sometimes!!! I hope others will give their take on this. I can't wait to hear how others think. And thank God for the Internet. Where else could this lady ask for advice like this??? I pray that this does not evolve into a common problem!!!

[Tony T]

Ajay:

 

You wrote: P.S. Just noticed something on re-read...Why do you think concerned friend is a woman (i.e., "where else could this lady...")? I am assuming the friend is a man, did I miss something?

 

I think a male would more readily speak up, say something and not be as concerned about the consequences. Maybe I'm wrong. My intuition says this is a female writing this.

 

The post begins with....I have a male friend. Most men refer to their male friends as just friends.

 

It really doesn't matter what sex Concerned Friend is. But I think a woman would likely approach this more discretely than a man.

[Ajay]

Tony:

 

I completely agree, it doesn't matter what sex Concerned Friend is...(but I'm not so quick to agree about a male speaking up more readily) -- wait a minute -- guy-to-guy? OK, now I gotcha...

 

Personally, I refer to my friends as male friends or girlfriends. I've never noticed the male angle; (would this be correct then) -- men refer to their male friends as just friends and their female friends as female friends? (because girlfriend means something entirely different to you guys right???)

Ajay: You wrote: P.S. Just noticed something on re-read...Why do you think concerned friend is a woman (i.e., "where else could this lady...")? I am assuming the friend is a man, did I miss something? I think a male would more readily speak up, say something and not be as concerned about the consequences. Maybe I'm wrong. My intuition says this is a female writing this. The post begins with....I have a male friend. Most men refer to their male friends as just friends.

 

It really doesn't matter what sex Concerned Friend is. But I think a woman would likely approach this more discretely than a man.

[co-worker]

I too, am a co-worker of this particular guy, and I have to say, I have my doubts about exposing this "girl". There are several reasons why I feel this way. I have known him for some time, and he is extremely homophobic. If someone in the workplace, friend or not, came to him with their suspicions, he would be devastated, and possibly quit his job, or worse. In addition, I feel he is happy with this "woman" and I have never heard him express any great desire to have children. I see no harm in allowing this guy to live his life. He appears to be happier than he has ever been. If I were to venture further, I would even say that this woman's previous gender is perhaps part of the appeal for him. Many times, men who appear to be very homophobic have gay tendencies, and some are even latent homosexuals themselves. I say leave well enough alone.

[Ajay]

Co-worker:

 

Tony and I have kicked this around a bit. I had a lot more to add and was really hoping someone else would provide more info -- thanks.

 

One notion that struck me, as it did you, was perhaps the "gender change" was part of the appeal for him (which is what I meant when I previuosly wrote, "maybe he knows and doesn't care").

 

My main concern was the possible devastation if and when he found out (and if in fact girlfriend was previously male), because this would definitely be life-changing news. I hope his friends are around when he needs them (later) and can support him if this is what he wants (now). Thanks again for the update, I've been thinking about this guy and wondering how things were going.

I too, am a co-worker of this particular guy, and I have to say, I have my doubts about exposing this "girl". There are several reasons why I feel this way. I have known him for some time, and he is extremely homophobic. If someone in the workplace, friend or not, came to him with their suspicions, he would be devastated, and possibly quit his job, or worse. In addition, I feel he is happy with this "woman" and I have never heard him express any great desire to have children. I see no harm in allowing this guy to live his life. He appears to be happier than he has ever been. If I were to venture further, I would even say that this woman's previous gender is perhaps part of the appeal for him. Many times, men who appear to be very homophobic have gay tendencies, and some are even latent homosexuals themselves. I say leave well enough alone.