speedy009 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hey, Newbie here, Ill try to keep this short... Met in high school, both lost virginity together. We are both 24. Our relationship was rocky near the end. We fought alot over small things. Was my first real realtionship so maybe I didnt know how to deal with problems well. We were always faithful and we loved each other more than anything...Her love grew faster then mine, but I knew I still loved her. We both wanted a future together. We were both stubborn and always wanted our way. Our last argument was stupid but blew up big time. I ignored her while she was crying cuz I was dealing with my own feelings. She decided we had enough and wanted to break up for good. For the next 1.5 months I desperately tried to talk her out of it. I suddenly stopped (used NC) cuz she was saying hurtful things purposely to push me away. I felt like dying. 3.5 months in, she texts me "I miss you" at 3am. Week later I respond and said "dont drunk dial me please, It hurts." We talk for abit and she says that she misses me but still think that we should continue separated. I said "don't contact me unless you know you want to be with me." Back to NC.... I was a complete wreck up until about 4.5 months into it (mainly because my birthday, valentines day and our anniversary was not spent with her). I have not been with anyone else, just single and adjusting with friends. Then at 6 months mark (yesterday), she tells me she made a huge mistake letting me go. She wants me back but tells me that she was in a rebound relationship while we were apart. She had sex with another guy. I was shocked more than mad. She promises me that she will never let me go again and that she has learned a lot about herself. She WANTS to marry me and start a family with me, but the fact that I know that she slept with another dude is really clouding my judgment. Its hard right now to forgive her cuz its so fresh. What should I do? I still love her but don't trust her right now. What I have waited for for so long has finally come, but with baggage. Should I go explore with someone else before I commit to her again so I don't regret it later in life? I don't know what to do.....she is basically waiting for my answer now...Opinions/questions/answers please.... Thanks for reading... Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Completley up to you man. But, It's just sex. Whether you can handle that or not is up to you. Know though, at your age any other girl you get with will more than likely have had atleast one if not several sexual partners. You two were not together when she had sex with this other guy so,it's not like she cheated. Like I said.. If you can handle it in a mature fashion then great! If you feel you can't get past it, it's best you move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Thanks for replying. I am handling this maturely as I usually would have gone berserk. I can see the change in me. But do you think its wrong that I should have at least experienced one other sexual partner before I commit to her or is that just wrong? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 No I don't think it's wrong that you should have. BUT,,, How long do you expect her to wait for you to expierence that? I honestly think you should've already. With that said..you can't expect her to wait while you "even the score" it doesn't matter at this point. You either want to be with her and NEVER bring this up...or you move on! It's that simple, man. If you really want to be with this girl, then do it, with no grudges or anything. It's not her fault you didn't take advantage of being single, is it? If you can, go out and sleep with as many women as you can asap! Then hope that she's still there.. Link to post Share on other sites
KissTheRain Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 I have to agree with Praying4Daylight but at the end it is your call, I don't think she has done anything wrong by finding someone else in those 6 months, I would just like to add just take your time and go slow, and see if you can deal with it (The baggage you claim), and if you can be with her even after this or no, I don't think she is asking you to jump on her boat asap. and I don't think you should do that either, spend time with her and see how it goes...you are a lucky man IMO. if you really love her I am sure you can find reasons to forgive her, we all make mistakes and thats how we learn. In your case she went out and explored and found that there is no one better than you and is asking you for that chance so I guess each one of us deserves it... Link to post Share on other sites
Taucher Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 You seem too hung up on who has slept with who during your time apart. But... ...you have no right to be angry at her for sleeping with someone else. You weren't together at the time and she could do what she liked. If the chance had presented itself for you to sleep with a sexy girl, are you honestly saying that you wouldnt have done the same? Also, you are saying that maybe YOU should have slept with someone. Why do you say that? I suspect that it is because that is what SHE did, and you want to get even. You say it is hard to forgive her, but YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FORGIVE. She did nothing wrong. You cannot control everything and you need to stop if you two are to work out. You say it is hard to trust her right now? Unless she cheated on you when you were gf/bf, then she is as trustworthy as she ever was. You 'broke up for good' so she was single. It sounds like there may be a chance for you two to get back together (if that's what you REALLY want) but unless you forget about her sleeping with the other man (and I mean really forget about it) IT WILL NOT WORK. Good luck! T Link to post Share on other sites
Excellent Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Gotta go with the rest here dude, she did it while you were broken up. She had every right to do that. It's just sex, and the fact that she was so desperate to fill the void after you, because you refused to be a doormat, is a good thing i'd say If you really want her back, then ignore this matter. Take it slow, to rebuild your trust in her, no need to rush. Then you can see if she really wants what she is saying too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Thanks everyone! The only reason why I might have doubts is because to me our 8 year relationship seemed nothing to her if she slept with someone else so quickly. Other people on another forum is telling me to just forget her..cuz she might just do it again.. Im so friggin confused now.... Link to post Share on other sites
whodey115 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hey bro I gotta few quesitons. 1. Why did you guys never get married? 8 years and being 24 is a long time. 2. What is her relationship with the guy she slept with? Still talk or out of the picture completely? Without knowing much more about it and just my knee jerk reaction is, she sure did not wait long to move on after an 8 year relationship. I just got out of a 6 year relationship(8 mos) and could not see myself sleeping with anyone that quickly. Its your call, I would hear her out and listen to the circumstances and then make a decision if you think it is a one time thing or is this a new side of her you didnt see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Oh and another thing. During the rebound she said all that she could think about was me. She honestly did try to move on but deep down inside it didnt feel right to her. That she really was still in love with me. The guy was "perfect" she says, but she still wanted me.... She is not the type to lie at all...so i dunno.... Whodey, 1) I am still in school and dont really have the funds to spend on a marriage. I told her that after I graduate and find a job I would be ready for anything. 2) She told, me she broke it off completely with this guy. She wants me and is waiting for my answer, but she is not rushing me cuz she knows she hurt me badly. Link to post Share on other sites
whodey115 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Then I would say giver her another chance. I know the sleeping with someone else hurts now, but you gotta look at the big picture. If you can see yourself with her in 10 years and you still love her, then I think a 2cd chance is a good thing for both of you. If you get back together and it works, everyone lives happily ever after. If you get back together and something is just missing, then you know that maybe she isnt the right one for you. Regardless, 8 years is a lot to throw away because she slept with someone when you guys were not together. That is my opinion, but I am also on the other side of the equation, I left my gf of 6 years and am trying to get back with her and wish she would give me a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 Whodey, But what was the reason for you breaking up with her? Did you just get bored or was there arguments? I really do want to give her a second chance but i might regret it later in the future. I know I can get girls but I was just so heartbroken while apart to even acknowledge girls that may be interested in me.... Link to post Share on other sites
whodey115 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 The reason for me breaking up is very complicated. We were arguing over stupid little things, she graduated and had taken a job 3 states away, and I was dealing with a brother who had(has) huge drug problems. I was under a lot of stress and just snapped, telling her I dont love her anymore and I cant handle all of it. I kinda went into denial for about 3 months and just put up a wall, nothing in nothing out. Now that my brothers situation(I had to basically take care of it myself, and he is younger), I have realized what I have lost. I had just gone nuts for about 2 months with all the stress and worrying about my brother killing himself. I cant explain why I did it, I really dont remember much about that time. Side note, I had an engagement ring that we had picked out together shipped to the store for me to buy, not 2 weeks before all of the ***** hit the fan. I am not proud of what I did, and I understand if she doesnt give me a second chance, but I sure do wish I could get one. In a nut shell, that is the best reason I can come up with me breaking up with her. Other than what is above, I cannot fathom why I would have told her I dont love her, or why I got rid of my best friend at the time I needed her the most. Regretted it ever since. Also, no I dont do drugs and was not with another girl during our breakup(still going). But, I can easily see myself in your shoes and I can tell you 100% that even if she slept with someone else during our time off, I would take her back in a heartbeat. I love her enough to understand, and could still see us together in 20 years. If you can see yourself with her, go for it, its not worth sitting here like me thinking what could have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 I had similar situations. When I get overwhelmed with life I pushed the one person that was trying to make it better...that was the eventual downfall of my relationship.. Link to post Share on other sites
whodey115 Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Well then speedy, what are you going to do? I know its not a decision that can be made lightly or even overnight, but which way are you leaning? Keep us posted. ....just saw you posted right before me....yeah it sucks when we do that, but it seems to be a normal reaction. So goes life. Link to post Share on other sites
Taucher Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Thanks everyone! The only reason why I might have doubts is because to me our 8 year relationship seemed nothing to her if she slept with someone else so quickly. You are possibly analysing this too much. It is quite common for people to have rebounds which, if you choose to, can be seen as a sign that they are hurting and are not thinking straight or trying to force themselves to move on. YOU, though, are choosing to look at it as a sign that she didnt care etc. My best mate's GF left him after 6 years. His reaction, to sleep with LOADS of women starting within 2 weeks. Made him more miserable. If your girlfriend slept with another man and she really REALLY likes him, then you have problems, but if she slept with him as a rebound, to try and get herself to forget about YOU then YOU need to get over it and move on. As she seems to be keen to get back with you, I would say that this is (possibly) the more likely scenario. If she is SAYING that she wants to get back with you and she made a mistake, then possibly sleeping with the other person helped her come to this decision. You may never know. If you get back together, it doesnt matter. But if you DO get back together, WHATEVER you do, do not mention her sleeping with someone else, do NOT make her feel bad about it and FORGET ABOUT IT YOURSELF. Good luck T Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 16, 2009 Author Share Posted July 16, 2009 You are possibly analysing this too much. It is quite common for people to have rebounds which, if you choose to, can be seen as a sign that they are hurting and are not thinking straight or trying to force themselves to move on. YOU, though, are choosing to look at it as a sign that she didnt care etc. My best mate's GF left him after 6 years. His reaction, to sleep with LOADS of women starting within 2 weeks. Made him more miserable. If your girlfriend slept with another man and she really REALLY likes him, then you have problems, but if she slept with him as a rebound, to try and get herself to forget about YOU then YOU need to get over it and move on. As she seems to be keen to get back with you, I would say that this is (possibly) the more likely scenario. If she is SAYING that she wants to get back with you and she made a mistake, then possibly sleeping with the other person helped her come to this decision. You may never know. If you get back together, it doesnt matter. But if you DO get back together, WHATEVER you do, do not mention her sleeping with someone else, do NOT make her feel bad about it and FORGET ABOUT IT YOURSELF. Good luck T I know that if I get back with her its because I truly forgive her and wont want to get revenge on her later. Other people on another forums seems like they just want me to leave her alone and move on...They are very convincing too but maybe because they are bitter?? lol jokes. Im just torn between my head and my heart now.... Link to post Share on other sites
whodey115 Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Well listen to what both of them are saying, and write it down on paper. Add up the + and the -, and whatever wins will give you an idea of what your thinking....and it will allow you to look at it more objectively because it will all be out in front of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 Thanks for the idea. I have been getting really negative answers that it wont work on another forum...maybe its because they all have been through it all...i dunno.. I will keep people updated on my situation and the decision that I choose, but am not in a rush to make one yet.. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 You really have to be honest with yourself, see your relationship with her from the outside. Like why did she break it off. Did she just want to try new guys and get tired of you? Did her friends convince her to do that? Did you do something to turn her off permanently? Any of these reasons and she could do it again. I say no go. If you can get other girls, you can find someone better than your ex easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 You really have to be honest with yourself, see your relationship with her from the outside. Like why did she break it off. Did she just want to try new guys and get tired of you? Did her friends convince her to do that? Did you do something to turn her off permanently? Any of these reasons and she could do it again. I say no go. If you can get other girls, you can find someone better than your ex easily. None of those reasons is why we split. I explained everything before. we just had a big fight and she couldnt handle it anymore. I totally understand why she did what she had to do, but now I need to decide what I need to do... Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Do you think you would keep fighting like that if you got back together? I still say dont bother if you can get other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author speedy009 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 It is now 5 am where i am on a sunday night. I just had such a fun time because I was SINGLE!!! I actually enjoyed it this time because there was at least 3 girls that showed real interest in me tonight but I was just hanging with my boys tonight but still made come connections with the ladies without feeling guilty. I will still love her no matter what but it seems like she found out what she wants after venturing off and maybe thats what I need to know now if I really wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I do feel like I have matured alot and am willing to forgive her if she really shows me that she really does love me and made a huge mistake leaving me when things got rough. We will see. It has been 4 days since she has told me that she wants to be with me forever for sure....I am taking my time to answer her back..... I will update my situation if people ask or I make a decision. Thanks everyone. This forum has helped me see things I would have probably wouldn't have. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Speedy, I can realte, my ex left me (jilted me) after 18 years, we had been together since we were 15, only ever had sex with each other. I would still like my ex to come back, (been 4 months and 1 month complete NC), I don't know if he ever will, looks doubtful, if he did I would be wanting to make something new, something stronger next time round. I understand totally how you feel re her sleeping with another guy, only you can decide if you can get past that. Re you evening the scroe? Why lower yourself to her level, you were happy to only have slept with her before the split and if you had never split this would have always been the case anyway. Don't change your core beliefs or morals for someone else, be true to yourself. If you do decide to give her another chance, you might want to think about some relationship counselling first. I think you mentioned about not knowing how to resolve your differences, this will help. I think it is important to build upon what you had, make it something stronger, if you just get back together and don't change the way you interact, you will be doomed to repeat the same behaviours that led to yur break up in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I think you need to give it another shot. Relationships go through all sorts of ups and downs and people grow and change. Sometimes, not together. Sounds like she was growing and or changing and needed to be away to figure things out. In the process, she was experiencing other things in life and realized, she still loves you and wants to be with you. Relationships go through changes and it either makes them stronger or breaks them for good. If you still love her, then you owe it to yourself to slowly reunite with your ex. Take it from a 40 something woman who's been through this a few times. Take her back oh and i need to add, every human on this planet has baggage. It's called life and it builds character Link to post Share on other sites
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