Leveller Posted July 16, 2009 Share Posted July 16, 2009 Hi people. I have been posting on other forums (second chances and coping) for a while now and I hope you might be able to offer some opinions on the situation I am involved in. I have known my ex gf for about 17 years on and off and my family all her life. We went out for a year-a good year for both of us. She is 44 and I am 36. There are other factors apart from her alcohol problem that causes problems but for the sake of brevity I will thin these down as much as possible. As far as I remember she has always liked a drink but was never excessive, certainly not when she was bringing her son up-he is now 22. However she was involved in an abusive relationship for 10 years (this ended 4 years ago). Whether it was during this point or after they finished she appears to have developed a drink problem. All I know is when they finished she met her now best friend (a female who had just divorced from her husband) who was an alcoholic at the time. From the time we started seeing each other drink was a factor but she drank considerably less with me around. Her best friend has also cleaned up her act but still drinks to excess sometimes. My ex appears to drink considerably more than her best friend at this point in time and has for a while. As far as I know she is seeing someone else still and drink appears to play a part in the relationship. She is known to take flagons of cider and a large bottle of vodka down. She doesn't believe she has a problem and holds down a responsible part-time job. She drinks cider at home virtually every night of the week and often slurs her speech and this is known in the small village where we live. I don't know precisely why she drinks to excess. We have stayed in close touch and occassionally slept together since we split in February and I want another chance with her. Her problem with giving me that second chance is my lifestyle (I am an academic but currently unemployed) though what precisely she means by 'my lifestyle' I don't know. My problem, and that of my mother (they don't get on largely due to her drinking and this is another problem for both of them) is her alcohol problem. She has wonderful qualities as well and doesn't drink during the day and not always heavily in the evenings. I love this women but is there any way her heavy drinking can be addressed both by her (most importantly) and me for a second chance to have real legs. I don't want to appear/become a surrogate parent or concerned friend but this is doing her ZERO favours IMO. I can only guess at her reasons. Any advice which addresses this issue would be appreciated but given that I have spent the last five months trying for a second chance (I love her very much) please do not advise me to walk away completely. Link to post Share on other sites
annieo Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 At the risk of alienating her, I think you really need to address this directly. Tell her that you love her, and that because you love her, you are worried about her drinking. I wouldn't say that any future relationship with you is contingent on her quitting or cutting down (even though that might be the truth) because it's antagonistic and sounds like an ultimatum. What you need here is dialogue, which means you both get to talk freely and safely, without the threat of your friendship evaporating. If you phrase your concerns based on the love you have for her, I don't think it can do any harm. Her drinking is like an elephant in the room (she knows it's there, too, I'd wager, just is afraid to admit it). You can't just ignore it. She might even be grateful for the opportunity to talk about it. Also, while your mom might be a great friend and support to you, for god's sake, don't bring her into any discussions. Or anyone else's opinions either. You're not conducting a survey. She'll feel, rightly so, that she is being ganged up on and will retreat. Good luck, it sounds like there is some serious soul-connection going on here. I hope you both can make it work out Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 yes, you should ask her why she is drinking so much. Try and find out. Unfortunately, she'll give up booze only when she is ready to do so. To me, she sounds like she is an alcoholic, because she has to drink everyday and heavily. She is probably on an early stage of alcoholism. If you want to get to the bottom of it, you should read as much as you can on alcoholism, inform yourself. There are plenty of books on the subject, although the theories are many and discordant. You really need to understand what's pushing her towards the bottle... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leveller Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 Thank you both for replying. Link to post Share on other sites
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