Dexter Morgan Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Was he a wonderful husband besides that??? I'm asking bc my H is a great guy. and maybe thats why he gets upset when you reject him, he is a great guy and wonders WHY you are rejecting him....I think alot of husbands will think that if their wife continually rejects him that they are f#####g someone else. I mean I hear all the time how women when they say they are rejected and don't get enough sex that they feel justified in getting it somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Where do you see that she "continually rejects" him? Some people are uber sensitive about being told "no" for sex, as if the other person's wants and needs are somewhere below theirs. maybe not "continually", but my guess is since the excitement of screwing another man is high, that she does reject him alot. and as a guy, I never got upset with being turned down...I understand why there might be times someone wouldn't. But only if turned down constantly would my suspicions be raised and yes, I'd be upset about it....why should I be ok with it? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Was he a wonderful husband besides that??? I'm asking bc my H is a great guy. He wasn't a bad person. He just wasn't a good H. Not for me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UndertheSun Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 maybe not "continually", but my guess is since the excitement of screwing another man is high, that she does reject him alot. and as a guy, I never got upset with being turned down...I understand why there might be times someone wouldn't. But only if turned down constantly would my suspicions be raised and yes, I'd be upset about it....why should I be ok with it? What you are saying is NOT true. First of all, I don't or have ever continually reject him. Secondly, the 'excitement of screwing another guy' is NOT high, and it never was. If you read my posts, I've said that sex with my exMM was few and far in between. I did not reject my H a lot. Get your facts straight. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 What you are saying is NOT true. First of all, I don't or have ever continually reject him. Secondly, the 'excitement of screwing another guy' is NOT high, and it never was. If you read my posts, I've said that sex with my exMM was few and far in between. I did not reject my H a lot. Get your facts straight. no, get your posts straight. what part of my post when I said "but my guess is " didn't you understand? A guess isn't stating something as a fact. its a ....uh..well.....guess going by what you said. if you only reject him once in a while, AND he is a "great guy", I can't see him getting all riled up if he doesn't get sex only once in a while. So either he isn't a great guy, or you aren't telling the whole truth. Either way, as a man, I can tell you that for me to get upset, I'd have to think the rejection is because her heart and mind were elsewhere, and I'd only think that if the rejection was more times than not. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Was he a wonderful husband besides that??? I'm asking bc my H is a great guy. I guess it's true that no good deed goes unpunished. Look what being a "great guy" got him ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Yeah. A "great guy" who throws a hissy fit when his W isn't in the mood. Well, "great guy" was her description. If he's a prima donna, does that entitle her to cheat? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Yeah. A "great guy" who throws a hissy fit when his W isn't in the mood. Actually, that's a typical H's biggest complaint about being married - he wants it more often, but the W isn't interested. Looking at all the threads in the Marriage forum about sexless marriages, I've noticed that they're started by (and frequented by) MM's. And I've also noticed that the BS's who frequent the OM/OW forum hardly ever chime-in on that topic at all. So around and around we go. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Did she say their marriage was "sexless?" No. She said EVERY time SHE doesn't want to, he whines and badgers her. She may think their marriage isn't sexless... but clearly HE does! Are women just a f machine for men, or do we EVER get to decide when WE wanna do it? Um, that's what you signed up for when you said "I Do." Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I didn't say that. But he DOES have issues that need to be dealt with. She has admitted to hers and wants to make things better. You make a lot of assumptions. How do you know that he hasn't also worked to make things better? Again, "great guy" was her description, not mine, so it wouldn't seem to have been an issue for her. One wonders why it's such a big issue for you ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I never would have thought that you hold youself in such low regard as to consider yourself a f machine sans feelings. And I never would have thought that making love with your own H would cause you to "consider yourself a f machine sans feelings." Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 She may think their marriage isn't sexless... but clearly HE does! This makes a LOT of sense to me, actually. Perception is what it's all about. She doesn't perceive their marriage as sexless, but he does. Whether it IS or ISN'T actually isn't the problem. The problem is that they don't see it the same way, and in some fashion it's not being communicated well between them. Either he's not saying it, or she's not hearing it. Or...it's being said, but not being PERCEIVED as the same priority. He thinks it's 'mission critical'...she doesn't. Or she's not HEARING that it's that important to him. The breakdown isn't the amount of physical intimacy...the breakdown is the agreemant in how often/how important it is, and agreeing on a solution for it. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 The problem is that they don't see it the same way, and in some fashion it's not being communicated well between them. Either he's not saying it, or she's not hearing it. Or...it's being said, but not being PERCEIVED as the same priority. He thinks it's 'mission critical'...she doesn't. Or she's not HEARING that it's that important to him. Well said Owl!! (Glad I'm sitting down - you actually agreed with me!) Key words being "perception of priority" or importance to your spouse. I've always assumed that the marital vows "to love, honor, and cherish" meant you took care of each other... honoring your life partner's needs as equally or more important than your own. Maybe the problem is, who decides which needs get the priority??? Or that may be merely his perception. Oh, just "merely" the MM's perception? It's this exact attitude, IMO, that lands a BS into haunting the OM/OW forum, slashing and burning the OP... because her H finally stopped fighting her flippant dismissal of his "perception" and decided to go elsewhere and find a woman who paid more attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UndertheSun Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Wow! This thread has gone wild!! lol I'd just like to say that my sexlife with my H is not lacking. We have sex frequently. There have been times during our marriage when I wasn't in the 'mood' and turning him down made him upset. Regardless, he is a wonderful man. Donnamaybe, you have been very kind to me and I notice how you're always defending me. I appreciate it. There's a lot of bitterness going on here. I understand why people don't want to post. I've gotten to that point too. I've had enough of this crap. I just wanted to thank you. I know what I need to do. I don't need anyone telling me but I appreciate the few people here on LS who were supportive. I dumped my MM and now it time to move on from this place. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I've never done that but I know it would make me feel completely horrible. I guess it just depends on the limits of your own personal moral barometer. You can't measure yours by someone else's. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Well said Owl!! (Glad I'm sitting down - you actually agreed with me!) Don't feel bad...I was equally shocked that I agreed with you too!!!! :) :) But what's even more scarey is that I've agreed with your follow up post on this as well! (checking outside now to see if pigs are flying, or armageddon is approaching! :) ) Key words being "perception of priority" or importance to your spouse. I've always assumed that the marital vows "to love, honor, and cherish" meant you took care of each other... honoring your life partner's needs as equally or more important than your own. Maybe the problem is, who decides which needs get the priority??? Oh, just "merely" the MM's perception? It's this exact attitude, IMO, that lands a BS into haunting the OM/OW forum, slashing and burning the OP... because her H finally stopped fighting her flippant dismissal of his "perception" and decided to go elsewhere and find a woman who paid more attention. Here's the thing...most of us TRY to make our spouse our highest priority, especially in the beginning of our relationship. But, see my signature. We TRY...but trying isn't always DOING. And everyone is always interested in what THEY want to a greater degree than what someone else wants most of the time. So it's easy to fall back into that "me, me, me" pattern. To stop LOOKING to see if you're still meeting your spouses needs. You start focusing on your own more than theirs...unless something has taught you better already. Or until something happens that provides this massive "wake up call" to remind you that a marriage requires more than that. But until that happens, for a lot of people it's just easier to focus on what you want rather than cultivate the good communication needed to to ensure that you're providing their spouse what they need. And that's probably the main reason that "sexless marriages" happen. It becomes too much hassle for one partner to keep 'asking for it'...and most often not getting it anyway. They stop talking about what each other wants, start focusing on what THEY want...and the marriage slowly starts slipping downhill. And here's the thing...the marriage may or may not actually BE 'sexless'. A "drought" for one person might be a "deluge" for another. But the PERCEPTION that it's not right is the most important, critical thing. If that PERCEPTION exists for either partner in a marriage...then it needs to be addressed. Life isn't all about reality...in truth...what matters most to the vast majority of people is how they PERCEIVE the world around them...not what it's really like. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 So if she's having sex with her husband 8 times a week, but the 9th time she says, "Honey, I'm just tired and want to go to sleep," HIS perception is all that matters? This is why I brought up MC. THEY need to decide TOGETHER. Clearly not. And I'm sure you know me by my postings well enough to know that this is clearly not what I meant. You're right about the decide together comment, which is the exact same thing I was saying. It needs to be worked out between them. And the PERCEPTION needs to be dealt with...perception on BOTH sides of the issue...hers and his. Sorry but your comment here kind of rankled me a bit...because I thought I'd made it pretty darned clear that this wasn't a HIM or HER issue...it was a joint issue that the two of them needed to work through. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 There's a lot of bitterness going on here. I understand why people don't want to post. I've gotten to that point too. I've had enough of this crap. always amazes me that someone could betray someone else in one of the worst ways in real life, but then they don't have the stomach for the hard truth of things on an internet forum. you've had enough of this "crap"? well tell your husband what you did and see who is dealing with a bigger load of crap...you or him. I guarantee you its the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I'm sorry, Owl, as I didn't intend to upset you. It just seemed that others appear to believe that a woman's lot in life is to lay on her back waiting for her husband to want to f her Nobody is saying that at all. but a man does have a right to be upset if a wife rarely, if ever, has sex with him. Not upset to a point where he rides her ass about it. take me for example. I rarely got sex. I expressed my displeasure about it, but it wasn't an angry furor, and I didn't ride her ass for an hour complaining. I simply found other things to occupy my time. Work on the house, the yard...I simply got use to not having it. Still doesn't mean I didn't have the right to be upset about it. and not saying this applies to this thread as we don't know what the frequency is. All I did was guess that it wasn't that much, because I can see a "great guy" getting that upset if he was only rejected a few times. A few times I can handle, too much or all the time, well hey....what would you do if you wanted sex from your husband and he constantly rejected you? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Fair enough, Donna, and I apologize for taking something a little too personally. One thing to consider tho...physical intimacy IS an "emotional need" for many...men and women. For many...perhaps moreso for a lot of men...it's one of the primary "love languages" in a way for them. It's a way for them to express their love, and to feel loved in return. A partner (man OR woman) should take the time to learn their spouse's emotional needs, and if this is one of them, they should hopefully find a way to meet that need in a way that satisfies the BOTH of them. And...their own emotional needs should absolutely be met as well. It's two way...not one way. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Nobody is saying that at all. but a man does have a right to be upset if a wife rarely, if ever, has sex with him. Not upset to a point where he rides her ass about it. take me for example. I rarely got sex. I expressed my displeasure about it, but it wasn't an angry furor, and I didn't ride her ass for an hour complaining. I simply found other things to occupy my time. Work on the house, the yard...I simply got use to not having it. Still doesn't mean I didn't have the right to be upset about it. and not saying this applies to this thread as we don't know what the frequency is. All I did was guess that it wasn't that much, because I can see a "great guy" getting that upset if he was only rejected a few times. A few times I can handle, too much or all the time, well hey....what would you do if you wanted sex from your husband and he constantly rejected you? And...a woman in this same boat would ALSO have every reason to be upset and unhappy with the situation. And they often do...look at the posts on this and the infidelity forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 And...a woman in this same boat would ALSO have every reason to be upset and unhappy with the situation.. yes, I absolutely agree. was just speaking from a man's perspective since I related my situation, and its a man whose attitude towards it is in question in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Wow. In less than 24 hours you went from this: Are women just a f machine for men, or do we EVER get to decide when WE wanna do it? to this: I know that a man's - ahem - junk and how his woman regards it is very important. Not to put that so crudely, but it is what it is. It's one of the things that makes him a man - makes him desirable to his woman. If his woman doesn't want "it," he might feel less than himself. Nice switch! Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I'm sorry, Owl, as I didn't intend to upset you. It just seemed that others appear to believe that a woman's lot in life is to lay on her back waiting for her husband to want to f her, and THAT pisses me off to no end! I mean, what year is this? 1700?!!! I know YOU don't think that way. You're way too cool!!! Where'd you come up with this, donna? Who thinks this way? I've never seen anyone take this position. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Maybe I'm a bizarre creature, however I've never had sex with any man unless I was into it. I have absolutely no issues regarding 'marital duty'. In fact, I find it to be a real 'downer'. I consider myself to be a sensual creature and sexual creature however the idea that a marriage certificate buys unlimited rides in happy town on demand turns me off in such a major way it isn't even funny. I am so independent that the idea that someone owns me makes my toes curl. I don't like anyone making 'demands' of me so demanding sex would absolutely be a turnoff and would probably be a deal breaker for me. I am a 'take me as I am" sort of woman because I like myself. If my husband asks me to 'come play with him" and I don't want to... well, I don't. I have sex when I want to and that will never change. Sex is terrific. But who wants to be owned? I've never seen my 'job' as a wife to be an available source of pleasure. I'd like to think it is mutual or not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
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