herenow Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 You've got it wrong. You aren't the consolation prize. She is. You just got what her H couldn't be bothered with fighting for. Congratulations! I don't know who the consolation prize is, but I can tell you who isn't, the H who walked away. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 She is the consolation prize. She is what he gets for winning her from her H. The OP isn't the prize (OP meant in a general, affair sense). On this forum, the OPs want the MP to leave the marriage. That is why the MP is the prize, not the OP. But yes, the H won the ultimate prize: proof and a likely uncontested divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Except that enabling women rarely leave their alcoholic husbands. She's not perfect by no means, but who amongst us really is? Perhaps not. I don't have the statistics on that sort of thing but they do cheat on their husbands when the going gets rough. Check out Viennawaits thread. She felt justified in cheating on her H for his alcoholism. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 I don't really understand this talk about consolation prizes. Why does it have to be like that? When a WS chooses to stay, I truly believe it is not because the BS still "takes his/her breath away" or "puts a smile of his/her face" or that he/she (WS) is looking forward to growing old with him/her(BS). It is because they are vested in one way or another (time, children, finances, etc.etc.) and having done the Math, they opted to stay. So I don't know if that means the BS won and got the prize? I think not. I know for my part, I stayed in the marriage because it is what I thought I needed to do( of course, in hindsight, I would have decided differently, but oh well...no use regretting the past). Proclamations of love and eternity from WS(H) did not really have any profound effect on me as I am sure he did his Math, too, and most likely decided it was cost-effective to keep me around...! I do understand SD's point. I do not think he was looking for a fight. I think he was genuinely surprised that MW's H did not do or say anything to him despite the fact the he(H) went looking for them. I mean, why look then not do/say anything? (By "do" or "say," I don't necessarily mean violent acts or crass or disrespectful words). What was HIS point of tracking them down? Someone said ...maybe to make it more real to him...ahmm..I don't think so-he already had his D-day long before the wife decided to divorce him for SD. So how real does he want it to be? Makes no sense. It is also utterly ridiculous for someone to suggest that SD should not worry about the MW's kids...wow, that's just really er...brilliant-not! SD is going to be the step-dad, and they will be living with him! SD, I was never interested in the OWs of H. There were only two things I asked from him after D-day..to keep them away from me and our daughter-(they better not have access to us)- and not to bring any sickness to our home. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Yes, consolation prize is the woman who's H didn't want her anymore. Consolation prize is what you get when you really don't win anything. Unless you want to say that the OP actually 'won' something. But this guy really is only here to say that the BS was a wimp for not spanking his @$$ for being with his W. He wanted a fight based on what she had said about the man, and was disappointed not to get it. And decided the BS must be a punk. Owl had it right (and I did notice that the OP did not disagree with or even address that post) when he said the BS couldn't win in either situation. If he beat the OP, he would have been acting like a caveman. Since he took the high road, the OP is here claiming the man didn't care about his W or his M. So he comes here to gloat about NOT getting beat up? I fail to see the logic in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 ok, me confussed now, so if the cheating spouse goes home again , does that mean the bs get the constelation prize? Gee I didnt know we could win prizes this whole time, Whats the first prize anyway??? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 First you say this: It is also utterly ridiculous for someone to suggest that SD should not worry about the MW's kids...wow, that's just really er...brilliant-not! SD is going to be the step-dad, and they will be living with him! Then you say this: SD, I was never interested in the OWs of H. There were only two things I asked from him after D-day..to keep them away from me and our daughter-(they better not have access to us)- and not to bring any sickness to our home. If you want your H to keep his OW away from your daughter, then why is it so "brilliant-not" to say that SD should leave the decisions about parenting the kids up to the parents? Here is what I said and I stand by it: Is MM going to be living with you as well? If not, then why do you care? They are his kids and you really have no say in how he deals with them. I never said SD shouldn't worry about the kids, I said that he has no say in how their father deals with them. And, BTW, I think SD agreed with me. Why would he? Really, please answer I would love to know why you feel SD should have a say in the relationship between father and child. Because I think that idea is brilliant-not. Also, it's a bit arrogant for SD to assume that the kids will be living with him. He really doesn't have a say in that. Nor does he have a say in how his GF's husband deals with this whole situation. IMO, he did the right thing by walking away. If you feel he should have gotten into a fight just because he went looking for them for whatever reason, then you and I will have to disagree about how conflicts should be handled. I personally feel that violence isn't the way to deal with these type of things, but to each his or her own. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 If you want your H to keep his OW away from your daughter, then why is it so "brilliant-not" to say that SD should leave the decisions about parenting the kids up to the parents? The OWs were/are (not sure if H is still cheating-don't care really) not in our lives, per se. H had/has no plan of ever making any of his affairs public, esp. to me. If he was public about it, then we would have been divorced long time ago. At any rate, some OWs are very good in finding out phone numbers and addresses. In my case, my D-day was brought about by OW finding out our home phone number and she called me...as a matter of fact she also came to our house. Of course, that was the end of her. Now that I am about to file for divorce from H, (barring drama from him, it should be soon)- whoever he will have in his life as an SO is absolutely welcome in our lives and why not? I want my stbxH happy-happy xH, happy child, happy child, happy me;). Live and let live. I did NOT say, the OW (or SD) should parent the kids. However, if my chld is in their (stbxh and OW's) house, she will obey their rules. Do I want to know what kind of person SO is? Of course, stbxh IS family and I hope he will find somebody wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Yes, consolation prize is the woman who's H didn't want her anymore. Consolation prize is what you get when you really don't win anything. Unless you want to say that the OP actually 'won' something. But this guy really is only here to say that the BS was a wimp for not spanking his @$$ for being with his W. He wanted a fight based on what she had said about the man, and was disappointed not to get it. And decided the BS must be a punk. Owl had it right (and I did notice that the OP did not disagree with or even address that post) when he said the BS couldn't win in either situation. If he beat the OP, he would have been acting like a caveman. Since he took the high road, the OP is here claiming the man didn't care about his W or his M. So he comes here to gloat about NOT getting beat up? I fail to see the logic in that. All I am saying is, relationships/marriages is not about winning or losing or getting the jackpot or consolation prize. I think people say that to insult or diminish the other person. It is just not helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 The OWs were/are (not sure if H is still cheating-don't care really) not in our lives, per se. H had/has no plan of ever making any of his affairs public, esp. to me. If he was public about it, then we would have been divorced long time ago. At any rate, some OWs are very good in finding out phone numbers and addresses. In my case, my D-day was brought about by OW finding out our home phone number and she called me...as a matter of fact she also came to our house. Of course, that was the end of her. Now that I am about to file for divorce from H, (barring drama from him, it should be soon)- whoever he will have in his life as an SO is absolutely welcome in our lives and why not? I want my stbxH happy-happy xH, happy child, happy child, happy me;). Live and let live. I did NOT say, the OW (or SD) should parent the kids. However, if my chld is in their (stbxh and OW's) house, she will obey their rules. Do I want to know what kind of person SO is? Of course, stbxh IS family and I hope he will find somebody wonderful. And I didn't say that SD shouldn't worry about the kids, I said he had no say in how their father dealt with them. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 ok, me confussed now, so if the cheating spouse goes home again , does that mean the bs get the constelation prize? Gee I didnt know we could win prizes this whole time, Whats the first prize anyway??? No, silly, it means they get their SPOUSE back. Keep up, okay. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 ok, me confussed now, so if the cheating spouse goes home again , does that mean the bs get the constelation prize? Gee I didnt know we could win prizes this whole time, Whats the first prize anyway??? LOL...well..if I am assured of a constellation, instead of a consolation, I will take that! Just teasing, Mino. Like I said, this talk about consolation prizes and what not, is really nuts....relationships are way more than that and way more complicated than winning and losing and getting a prize. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 My original point was that I don't understand why SD is spending any energy wondering why the BS wasn't abusive towards him. I still think that the way the BS handled it makes things easier for SD. So, I just don't get what the problem is. OK, time to go. Have a great weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 In the aftermath of an affair where a spouse is basically just thrown at the OP, the cheater is called the consolation prize. If the cheater left of their own volition, they aren't called a consolation prize. Surely this was covered in the Infidelity 101 manual. Does this need to be put in a stickie? Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 And I didn't say that SD shouldn't worry about the kids, I said he had no say in how their father dealt with them. Is this not what you said? (see below): then why do you care?[/b] They are his kids and you really have no say in how he deals with them. If you do not want him to care, then you do not want him worry, right? He does have to worry, what if the MW's H continues to drink and affects the well-being of the children, that in turn affects the MW which in turn will affect their relationship which in turn will affect him. It is a huge responsibility to become a step-parent and a huge step for any parent to surrender their children to the care of another person ( albeit by extension)...so YES, it is imperative that they know how the other person is...that is just the responsible thing to do... Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 My original point was that I don't understand why SD is spending any energy wondering why the BS wasn't abusive towards him. I still think that the way the BS handled it makes things easier for SD. So, I just don't get what the problem is. OK, time to go. Have a great weekend! Because the point of this thread is to denigrate the BS. Nothing more. Even though the BS gave him nothing to work with. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 LOL...well..if I am assured of a constellation, instead of a consolation, I will take that! Just teasing, Mino. Like I said, this talk about consolation prizes and what not, is really nuts....relationships are way more than that and way more complicated than winning and losing and getting a prize. Sometimes it's not complicated at all and it's as simple as "winning the prize". Why would you think all humans are complicated and so are there relationships? With SD he has admitted to why he got into the relationship with the MW. For him, it was the conquest because of his failed marriage and he was a BS and now, that he has won, he is confused about what to do, even though he hides under a tough guy exterior. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 In the aftermath of an affair where a spouse is basically just thrown at the OP, the cheater is called the consolation prize. If the cheater left of their own volition, they aren't called a consolation prize. Surely this was covered in the Infidelity 101 manual. Does this need to be put in a stickie? So if the WS goes back to the BS, then the BS got the consolation prize? or maybe the WS is settling for the less? I do not subscribe to that idea. I think it is very childish. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Sometimes it's not complicated at all and it's as simple as "winning the prize". Why would you think all humans are complicated and so are there relationships? With SD he has admitted to why he got into the relationship with the MW. For him, it was the conquest because of his failed marriage and he was a BS and now, that he has won, he is confused about what to do, even though he hides under a tough guy exterior. LOL..if relationships are not complicated we wouldn't be here. There wouldn't be sites like Ashley Whatever, or MarriageBuilders or laws about divorce and vows and what not. Silly. I do not know SD. I only know what he is looking forward to the next step in his relationship with the soon-to-be-divorced MW because he said so. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 LOL..if relationships are not complicated we wouldn't be here. There wouldn't be sites like Ashley Whatever, or MarriageBuilders or laws about divorce and vows and what not. Silly. I do not know SD. I only know what he is looking forward to the next step in his relationship with the soon-to-be-divorced MW because he said so. Then I suggest you read his posts instead of skimming over them. You might get to know him then. I am only commenting on what he says, nobody else and no one else's problems. It's his thread. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Then I suggest you read his posts instead of skimming over them. You might get to know him then. I am only commenting on what he says, nobody else and no one else's problems. It's his thread. Period. Oh I have read his posts. Interesting guy, actually-not enough to proclaim I know him. BUT I am impressed by people who can know people simply be reading their posts. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 That doesn't surprise me tami. You have proven that is the case...with you. The written word is very powerful and if we can't get to know someone through the written word..then what the hay is the point of all this? Why are you here? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Why are you here? The real question is why are you here? You want to help or just argue? From what I've seen, you sure aren't here to help. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Welcome back GEL. What are your pearls of wisdom in all this then? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Welcome back GEL. What are your pearls of wisdom in all this then? I already gave my input, on like page 1... But thanks for the welcome. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
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