Another emotional affair...

[emailspy]

Boy I guess I'm just another statistic in the emotional affair arena. I quite by accident found myself in my husband's email and saw that he had met someone on a business trip and had been emailing her for a couple months.

 

He seemed to be quite taken by her, he felt very connected to her and could write her anything. From her responses to him, it did not appear that she felt the same but was willing to let him write to her as an outlet for his angst. She actually writes about her life including her husband. I have never seen my name or any reference to a wife in any of this writings. He does write about our children, even our dog but never anything or mention of me. He writes mostly of his feelings about certain events in his life, friends dying, his distached relationship with his mother etc.

 

Our marriage has been in quite a bad way for a few years, my husband suffers from depression but will not take any type of drugs for it, he always wants to work it out himself but it is very destructive on myself and the children. I've offered to go to counseling with him during one of his bad episodes but he seemed to jump out of it so we never went.

 

After I found out about the emails, I have tried to be extra supportive of his emotional state and our marriage has seemed to improve dramatically. Ironically we are doing better today than we have for years. The only issue is the ongoing ea with this women.

 

I am worried that he has become obsessed with her. She lives 4 hours away and one day he just drove down there to have lunch at their family run restaraunt. From the email that he wrote her after, it seems that she may have been upset by his showing up there. His last email though he asked her if he could come and take her out to lunch or "spend an afternoon" with her so he could look upon her more as a friend rather than a "sounding board".

 

I have not seen email replies from her in some time but I do know he is calling her as well. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do, if I let him know I know about her, I'm sure he'll know I've been reading his email and I'll lose my only source of information as to what he is really doing. Maybe I should just leave it all alone and let it play itself out...

[Fraggles]

emailspy,

 

IMHO, you need to confront him about this EA and demand that there be NC. Even if you think the feeling is not returned by her, this is still an affair. All the things that he is talking to her about are things he should be depending upon you for.

 

Maybe I should just leave it all alone and let it play itself out...

 

Let it play itself out? What happens if you're wrong about her and this ends up becoming a PA?

 

After I found out about the emails, I have tried to be extra supportive of his emotional state and our marriage has seemed to improve dramatically. Ironically we are doing better today than we have for years. The only issue is the ongoing ea with this women.

 

I am glad to hear that your marriage seems to be better but his involvement with this woman will eventually lead to..something...and how much can you take before this really affects your feelings and starts to rebound on the state of your marriage? And i think he needs to really address his depression.

 

I hope things work out....let us know what happens.

[tryingtomakeitwork]

hi emailspy,

 

your post touched a nerve because it is similar to what i've just recently come across in my home as well...found an email from an ex-coworker that my husband was going to meet up with on a business trip...three weeks ago. we've only been married 2.5 years with no children.

 

we've had full-on arguments and discussions regarding the state of our marriage since the finding...we've also started therapy.

 

i want to point out up front that the key thing for you and your husband is to COMMUNICATE...you must try and force yourselves to do this...if you're feeling like your marriage is in a rut, then you must try and talk yourselves through it...it is the only thing that is holding the two of us together...i've realized now, that had we started communicating better when i knew problems were occurring (telltale signs around the house, like infrequent sex, and interests waning), we maybe could have avoided this...i know that now and that's the greatest advice i have been given and can give. we are in therapy to try and learn to communicate more, but it's already beginning to help a little....

 

if something is on your mind regarding the emotional affair your husband is having, bring it up now before it's too late....my husband's affair apparently was only emotional and this trip would have been their first time together outside of the office (so he says...)

 

your husband must cut off communication with this woman if he is going to be able to fully concentrate on making amends with you. you need to follow through on this. if he is using her to tell her 'anything' as you mentioned, open up to him. get him to feel that he can discuss anything with you...that's what i've been working on as well, and we've stopped talking so much about finances, daily household things, etc....more about how we are feeling about each other and what's generally on our minds, like more lighthearted things...going skiing, movies, etc...

 

you're not afraid of your husband in a physically abusive manner are you?...i mean, should you confront him about your knowing about the affair, etc? i'm psyched that your relationship is better now that you know about the other woman, but you can't let it sit inside you and eat away at you...so so so unhealthy for you.

 

if your husband is depressed, work with him to try and find the source of it...maybe he's beat down with thoughts of marriage, and lame thoughts like that...work with him to make it a joy to wake up every morning...if it's a much deeper chemical issue, then try your hardest to get him to therapy....do what YOU can to make sure that you know that you really tried to keep things together for yourself and for your child. [color=red]i'm not saying by ANY means that any of this is your fault and you should be the one to work it out, but it sounds like you are the only strong one in the relationship right now and you're focused on trying to make it work now that you know about things[/color]....i know it's so much easier said than done, but don't give up. read everything you can get your hands on and try to educate him to the best of your ability....one book i've found as a help is called "The Divorce Remedy"...my husband and i have been reading it to one another at night...haven't found all of it helpful, but some chapters here and there are ok. someone on one of these posts recommended it to me.

 

stay strong

[GeorgiaSongbird]

emailspy...

 

You must end this now. Before doing so, make sure you print and put away (in a safe place) anything you have about the EA. I agree with fraggles.. His emtional attachment can turn physical.. He has shown you that in many ways. One, he drove four hours to see her. Two, you have put so much more effort into this marriage recently and he is still in contact/emotional involved w/her. Three, he does not acknowledge you or his marriage to you with her.

 

You guys also need to be in therapy.. for your marriage and his depression. He does not have to take pills to get better but he must face the fact that he needs help. If not for himself, then for his kids. Having a depressed parent can lead to a lifetime of problems for them..

 

Good luck.

[darland]

I'm new to this and would appreciate advice.I was 31 and recently getting a divorce after my ex had left me for another woman.I had met this guy(neghibor) and he too was going thru a seperation.He came up to my house one night and we begin talking and had found comfort in one another as far as what we had been going thru.We started seeing each other and i let him know up-front that i still loved my husband but had no idea of saving the marriage.I had two sons the ages of 13 and 12.He treated me like a queen and was very good to my sons.I had a very hard time with accepting his love and was not used to hearing this all the time and to be honest i guess i really did'nt know how to handle it.

 

We had about 7-8 yrs of marriage behind us and i thought everything was good but i was wrong.We argued about my youngest son at the time.My husband thought i took his side over his and i did in some cases.My husband has never had children so i think it's hard for him to understand just how much i love my sons.Anyways,i received a credit card statement and their was charge for flowers and i never received them,I confronted him and he said they were for a co-worker.He had sent them to her for valentimes day and to say the least i was hurt.He replied he was sorry but wanted to get my attention and i told him he did.I asked him to never do this again and he promised he would'nt and that he loved me.

 

My husband is a Truck Driver and is gone alot.I believed him when he said he would'nt.One day i went out and got in the semi and punched up on his highway master and found a message from her(dispatcher) thanking him for the beautiful roses and would see him soon.I quit my job and went with him and was on the semi for about 8 months.I asked him was everything ok with us and he said yes and that he loved me and i had nothing to worry about.To make a long story shorter it was'nt over he lied again.This went on for four yrs him taking her and some others out to lunch and him buying flowers all the time for her and them talking all the time.I stared having anxity attacks from all the stress and that did'nt even stop him.I kept asking him was their anything he wanted to tell me and he replied no everytime.

 

After four yrs i fianlly called her and talked to her .She told me they were just friends and that he had bought her flowers everytime he was in the yard.Needless to say i was so hurt and still am.He quit to prove to me he said that they was just friends and he bought his own semi.One time i decided to stay home and watch grandsons and when he came home i looked through the truck and his wallet.I found her number,He said he was'nt going to call her.How stupid does he think i'm.The next day i told him i called her and told her what she had said about him,i could see in his eyes he was devestated when he said he was'nt.As far as i know because of what she said he has had no contact with her for over14 months and she lives 1200 miles from us one way and he never goes out west.

 

I don't trust him anymore and he knows this and i'm afraid by my accusations that i'm going to drive him away.He is my soul mate and i love him so much.This is all i think about.I'm 44 yrs old and i feel helpless.I'm so afraid it will happen again with somebody new.He tells me he's sorry and i don't believe it because how could he lie for so many yrs and keep hurting me over and over.Sometimes i want to throw in the towel and say quits before something happens.