But he's my brother-in-law...

[whyyou]

I am in a pickle regarding my situation. My husband of 15 years and I recently agreed to informally separate. The challenge is that we still live in the same house and his older brother also lives there too. His older brother and I have a good reationship; we have an open communication and can talk about almost anything whereas my husband is has a passive-aggressiv personality and issues expressing himself with me.

 

Within the past month, my husband's brother and I have grown closer. We go for morning walks with my children and take them places; things their dad doesn't want to do (i.e. taking them to amusement park, movies, etc...).

 

The problem is that one morning when the children wanted to sleep in and didn't want to walk, his older brother and I still went on the walk. The walk was fine until towards the end when he said that he was getting sleepy so we found a bench in a shaded area. As we started to walk, he wrapped his arms around me to stop me; as I twisted around to look at him, he didn't say anything, but looked at me intensely and held my gaze until I broke loose and walked towards the bench. As I sat down, he stretched to lie down and his head ended up on my lap.

 

I think I was too surprised to say anything; it was awkward at first for me, but then it didn't bother. We sat like that and talked and listened to the different nature sounds. Eventually, he asked to see my finger (he had removed a thorn from it the other nite); as I showed him, he said that it looked healed but continued holding my hand until I pulled it away. As we sat there, he looked up and reached up to place a hand on each side of my face. As I looked down into his eyes, he didn't say anything but kept staring into my eyes as he held my face. I asked him what's on his mind. He let go of my face and shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. During this time, I had my hands resting on his shoulders and he reached for my hands and just held them.

 

A very similar scenario recurred with his arms wrapped around my shoulders while we were looking at some plants and looking at the scenery. Rather than the 2 hours we normally walked, our walk took almost four hours since he didn't want to go home. We were walking towards the exit then backtracked to find a shady place to rest. We sat (and he had his head on my lap again) and just enjoyed each other's company.

 

I know that he know there is a line that can't be crossed because of my husband. Is it normal for a brother or brother-in-law to behave this way towards their sister or sister-in-law? Probably not, but I feel totally at ease with him when we are together whether on our walks, shopping for food or at home...

 

What am I to do? My mind knows that this needs to stop since I am afraid that this will escalate into something bigger...

[Chrome Barracuda]

DO NOT F HIM!!!!

 

THAT IS STILL YOUR HUSBAND'S BROTHER!

 

that is WRONG! or is this a troll post?

 

Something about holding your gaze makes it seem fake to me.

[norajane]

Oh, hell no! Don't go there. You will only bring misery into your life if you do.

 

No, this is not normal brother-in-law behavior.

 

I can't believe you're even considering this except that your marriage is going down the tubes, and you're vulnerable, and you're holding onto him as your life preserver. Except you don't realize he's the anchor that's going make you drown.

 

Just get out, and stay away from him. There will be other men out there who will care for you. Get your divorce and find those men. This man is not the one for you.

[BlackWhite]

Can you imagine being in your kids shoes. Having an uncle who is XXXXX their mother.

 

That will takes 20 years of thearapy to heal.

[Athena]

Can you imagine being in your kids shoes. Having an uncle who is XXXXX their mother.

 

That will takes 20 years of thearapy to heal.

 

Is that how long it's taking you with your therapy to heal?

[MindoverMatter]

Can you imagine being in your kids shoes. Having an uncle who is XXXXX their mother.

 

That will takes 20 years of thearapy to heal.

 

Hamlet.

 

Stay away from the brother. Seriously. Will not end well. Family will be crushed. Extended family will be disturbed. Rumors will never end.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Understand that this is going to complicate the divorce in ways you have not foreseen. Things are going to get unnecessarily ugly once that cat is out of the bag.

 

The only way it would work is for the two of you to sever ties with your family, including limiting contact with your children to when the uncle is not around and move really, really far away.

 

What you are doing is the sort of thing where you both have to burn your bridges and not look back.

[whyyou]

DO NOT F HIM!!!!

 

THAT IS STILL YOUR HUSBAND'S BROTHER!

 

that is WRONG! or is this a troll post?

 

Something about holding your gaze makes it seem fake to me.

 

We both understand that there is a line that can't be crossed but we really do get along exceedingly well. The way he makes eye contact is so intense and yes, when he is looking at me, he does hold it for such a long time, that I have to break it by looking elsewhere.

 

It happens at home too. When I get back from the store & if he's sitting nearby, he will say hi and just keep looking at me until I move out of his focal range.

[malcom5]

You already know you're going down a dangerous path and I'm sure you're aware of the ramifications if you do enter a relationship with the brother. But, I'd say if it's something you really want, do it right. I'm a big believer in going after whatever makes you happy, but there's a right way and a wrong way to that goal.

 

I hope you do it the right way if it's something you truly want. Good luck.

[Athena]

Whyyou, you really need to stop thinking about what your BIL means, and what his motives are, and whether he loves you, or not.

You have to deal with a very important issue first and foremost -- your M. Do NOT complicate that issue by throwing in your BIL! It will only compound your problems tenfold... and cause major hurt and pain to everyone -- yourself, your children, your BIL, your H, your extended families.

 

The danger with all this is that it starts with just a seed in your thoughts, and won't stop until it snowballs out of control... you may think you are safe for now because you both have an understanding that you cannot do anything more with your budding romantic and sexual feelings for one another, but time and time again affair partners begin just the exact same way as you, and find that it overwhelms them.

 

It's time you and your children moved out of the house (or at least ask your BIL to move out temporarily so that you can focus on solving the real issue at hand, that of your marriage). Can you do this?

[mark982]

if things progress this will totally destroy the family, on both sides. relatives will be talking about it for 50 years. the brothers relationship will be instantly done forever,even though your marriage is rocky, do you really want to be the reason for them to never speak again?

[Chrome Barracuda]

You already know you're going down a dangerous path and I'm sure you're aware of the ramifications if you do enter a relationship with the brother. But, I'd say if it's something you really want, do it right. I'm a big believer in going after whatever makes you happy, but there's a right way and a wrong way to that goal.

 

I hope you do it the right way if it's something you truly want. Good luck.

 

Wow, just Wow malcolm??!!!

 

WTF so your basically saying it's okay for this woman to F her husband's brother!!!

 

Unbelievable, that is just plain disgusting!

[reservoirdog1]

You already know you're going down a dangerous path and I'm sure you're aware of the ramifications if you do enter a relationship with the brother. But, I'd say if it's something you really want, do it right. I'm a big believer in going after whatever makes you happy, but there's a right way and a wrong way to that goal.

 

I hope you do it the right way if it's something you truly want. Good luck.

Dumbest advice I've ever heard. Your marriage is already ending, which is awful and tragic and difficult. You f***ing your husband's brother will take the whole thing and make it ten times worse.

 

Your BIL is an asshat for coming on to you. Especially in the present circumstances. Don't compound it and become an asshat yourself by having anything to do with his cruddy behaviour.

[malcom5]

Wow, just Wow malcolm??!!!

 

WTF so your basically saying it's okay for this woman to F her husband's brother!!!

 

Unbelievable, that is just plain disgusting!

 

Whoa, let me stop you right there, cause I didn't say anything even close to that. Where did you get that from my post?

 

I'm not saying anything remotely close to that. I'm not going to judge the OP. That's not my place. My entire post, it even started with me saying she's already aware about what this could do to not only her, but her family, and her husband and his family. Do I need to repeat yet again what a big mistake it could be? No, it's already been stated.

 

All I'm saying in my post is that while she's aware of what could and possibly will happen if she leaves her husband for his brother, is that she should do it the right way. As in, leave your husband and make him aware of what's going on. I'm not condoning any affair of any sort. That's one thing you will NEVER see from me.

 

If she chooses to continue down the path that she's on, that's her business. Who the hell am I to judge her, or better yet, who are you to judge her? You don't know her.

 

I don't know where you got the idea that I was saying it's okay to sleep with her brother-in-law, but it surely wasn't from my post.

[BUENG1]

I am in a pickle regarding my situation. My husband of 15 years and I recently agreed to informally separate. The challenge is that we still live in the same house and his older brother also lives there too. His older brother and I have a good reationship; we have an open communication and can talk about almost anything whereas my husband is has a passive-aggressiv personality and issues expressing himself with me.

 

Within the past month, my husband's brother and I have grown closer. We go for morning walks with my children and take them places; things their dad doesn't want to do (i.e. taking them to amusement park, movies, etc...).

 

The problem is that one morning when the children wanted to sleep in and didn't want to walk, his older brother and I still went on the walk. The walk was fine until towards the end when he said that he was getting sleepy so we found a bench in a shaded area. As we started to walk, he wrapped his arms around me to stop me; as I twisted around to look at him, he didn't say anything, but looked at me intensely and held my gaze until I broke loose and walked towards the bench. As I sat down, he stretched to lie down and his head ended up on my lap.

 

I think I was too surprised to say anything; it was awkward at first for me, but then it didn't bother. We sat like that and talked and listened to the different nature sounds. Eventually, he asked to see my finger (he had removed a thorn from it the other nite); as I showed him, he said that it looked healed but continued holding my hand until I pulled it away. As we sat there, he looked up and reached up to place a hand on each side of my face. As I looked down into his eyes, he didn't say anything but kept staring into my eyes as he held my face. I asked him what's on his mind. He let go of my face and shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. During this time, I had my hands resting on his shoulders and he reached for my hands and just held them.

 

A very similar scenario recurred with his arms wrapped around my shoulders while we were looking at some plants and looking at the scenery. Rather than the 2 hours we normally walked, our walk took almost four hours since he didn't want to go home. We were walking towards the exit then backtracked to find a shady place to rest. We sat (and he had his head on my lap again) and just enjoyed each other's company.

 

I know that he know there is a line that can't be crossed because of my husband. Is it normal for a brother or brother-in-law to behave this way towards their sister or sister-in-law? Probably not, but I feel totally at ease with him when we are together whether on our walks, shopping for food or at home...

 

What am I to do? My mind knows that this needs to stop since I am afraid that this will escalate into something bigger...

 

Your setting yourself up for a real ugly divorce.

[TroyNJ]

It's a no brainer, wtf are you thinking. Even considering the possibility on starting something with your BIL is well insane.

[russelA]

yes, he is still your brother-in-law and you have to think about it firmly for your kids sake. just keep distance between the two of you so that you will forget everything what happened between you together like enjoying each others company. just kill down the flame you both have.

[whyyou]

Thanks to you who have posted replies with comments / advice. Let me clarify things for everyone with a little background. As with most marriages, my H & I were happy until about 2-3 years ago.

 

At that time, the H took it upon himself to work part-time (that's what he called it) by going to the casino and gambling away his paycheck. Problem was that he never won enough to make up for what he lost... He would additionally go to one or two payday loan centers to advance more money. The first time I caught him, he apologized and said that he would not do it again; I paid for the payday loans. Did I mention that he blew through almost $15K in savings before he went to the payday loan centers? Did you know that those places charge about 450% APR (yes, 450%, not a typo) on the payday loan. Let's just say this did not stop and worsened to the point that his employer discovered money was missing from the safe and his butt was hauled to jail. While I wanted him to stay in jail to learn a lesson, one of my paralegal friends told me that I needed to bail him out before arraignment since my H had planned on pleading guilty. I thought things through and for the sake of wanted him around for his kids, I sucked it up and talked to my family and his for help with getting an attorney and paying the bail money. The night before his arraignment, we bailed him out; went through all the legal drama. Judge sentenced to 3 months cal-trans (community service), 6 months gamblers anonymous and restitution of amount to the employer; again, I took care of the financial aspect of restitution. His record would be cleared after 2 years. The worst part is that we were evicted from our home because checks bounced left and right.

 

You would think that with a second chance at life, he would have a fresh viewpoint on life since he had his family and still had a job but the gambling did not stop. He was like a binge gambler. He wouldn't gamble for a month, then he would gamble. My problem is and was that he has not paid back the money borrowed to get the attorney for him nor the money for the restitution but he continues to gamble.

 

Through all this drama, his brother (my BIL) has been supportive of him, trying to give him advice on getting on the right path again. He saw that we were all (me, the 2 kids & the H) living one bedroom (of a friend's place) and suggested that we move in with him since he had 2 spare rooms which we did move in with my BIL to reduce the anxiety and stress for everyone.

 

When we moved in, things were as normal as can be but after about a month, I can honestly say that my BIL & I started spending more time with each other doing simple errands like grocery shopping, cooking and taking the kids around. Due to his work schedule, he is home in the morning while my H starts work early in the morning.

 

Starting around the beginning of July is when things started getting a little weird with my BIL walking more with me and the kids. Now, the kids don't want to walk since they complain about having to get up early during the summer. So for the past week or so, my BIL & I have taken walks by ourselves and these gestures / body language started.

[Athena]

Well, how cozy -- playing house with him.

 

There is absolutely no need for you two to go out for an early morning walk together... if it was truly for the kids, you would go later in the day WITH them, perhaps in the early evening when your own H is back?

 

So -- first things first... cut out any alone time with BIL. Two: Quit leaning on him emotionally -- so do not share any of your feelings and emotions with him anymore (that leads to intimacy, love, physical affair, destruction).

 

As for your H, why is it that he is still gambling when the judge ordered him to go to six months therapy to NOT gamble?

 

You need to tell your BIL to back off. He is taking advantage of your vulnerable state -- that you are in... you are homeless, you are without money, and you have an gambling addicted H who just won't quit.

Your BIL putting you up in his house should not be taking advantage of you, and as for YOU... do not put your BIL in the role of saving you any more... he is going to fall for you if you allow him to play your knight in shining armor.

 

What is your plan to move out? Financially? Marriage wise, what are you going to do?

You cannot ignore these realities and run off into a convenient and lustful Fantasy with your BIL... keep him at arm's length, and deal with your problems with your H (or without him)...

[whichwayisup]

My mind knows that this needs to stop since I am afraid that this will escalate into something bigger...

 

Then don't put yourself in that situation where you are 1)alone with him and 2)let anything happen.

 

THINK with your head NOT your heart and hormones.

 

THINK of the fallout, the consquences. This doesn't just affect you, your husband and his brother (your BIL) it affects the WHOLE FAMILY. His parents, other siblings, and ofcourse your own children.

 

IF you're that selfish to allow yourself to be tempted, then deal with the conquences and double betrayal.

[whichwayisup]

Have you and your H attempted to go to marriage counselling? Really talk this out and try to salvage the marriage?

 

Another way of looking at this, not only are you in the wrong but your BIL is a total a-hole for hitting on his bro's wife. What does that say about him?

[mark982]

your husband has a disease,same as booze or drugs. if you want this marriage to work, you're going to have to work on that issue before anything else. is it possible to move out? you and bil are headed down a bad path together.seeing how your husband has issues already, i'd sure hate to see him after the fall out.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Two wrongs dont make it right OP. gambling is a bad addiction but you should not turn to your BIL you should turn towards your husband and be HIS rock overcoming it.

[norajane]

Your husband being a mess is all the more reason to stay away from BIL. Your kids need someone in their lives with common sense and a strong backbone, a mother who can provide them with stability and who is focused on their well-being.

 

Adding more problems in the form of an affair with their uncle is NOT helping your children at all and will mess them up far more than a father with a gambling addiction.

[whyyou]

Just an FYI, when I tried to get help for my H--(1) to go to marriage counseling / therapy, he tells me that he doesn't have a problem and doesn't need to go; he says if I need to go, then I should go since I am the one with problems. I get so frustrated and tell him that HE is my problem and I can't solve a problem by myself if the problem doesn't cooperate; (2) Gamblers Anonymous: my H tells me that he's done with the court requirement and that he doesn't need to go anymore.

 

Does anyone else see this as denial? Since he stopped going in October, he's fallen off the bandwagon & gone gambling at least once a month with no success at recouping any amount (like before). When I confront him, hetells me that it is HIS money & not mine so it does not concern me. He can do whatever he wants...except takes care of his family.

 

He doesn't support the kids or me; I work and have taken care of the girls so they have some stability and know that I am there for them and will try my best to support them. Even household basics such as groceries and cleaning supplies, he doesn't get. When the laundry detergent is out, he would rather wash his clothes in the bathtub with leftover shampoo than go buy detergent (because he would actually have to spend money) until I go get it since I can't and will not allow my kids & myself to stoop that low.

 

I have tried to be patient and work with him, but it has to be a two-way street to make things work. I had been talking to a brickwall for almost 6 months. My breaking point was when one of our cars was repossessed since his payments had bounced; then he didn't bother telling me that he didn't make backup payments to take care of the bounced checks.

 

That was when said enough is enough. While we are informally separated, we have decided to cohabitate temporarily. Mentally, I am done & wash my hands of him. The last step to formalize things is doing the legal paperwork & filing in court. If push comes to shove, I will be inititating that step.

 

To answer everyone who has suggested help / therapy / counseling, I have tried but I can't repair a broken bridge by myself. My H has to want to listen to the advice, to initiate the change within himself and have his actions match his words. At this time, neither is happening.