Split up with g/f after 5 years - very lonely and confused

[goingoutofmymind]

Hi all

 

This is the first time I have posted on here although I have often read other messages and taken heart from posts which run along similar lines to my own situation. I realise that it's hard to give advice based purely on what people write here and that many people are probably looking for people to reinforce what they already think but I do need some advice and would truly appreciate any help given.

 

Basically, I met my girlfriend at University and we were together for 5 years and very, very happy. Last week, we had a falling-out and after the argument she suddenly came out with the line 'I don't want to be in a relationship anymore'. This hit me for 6 and I really don't know what to do. I left things for a couple of days before I received a text saying that she did really love me but that after 5 years she needed some time on her own. She also said she missed me to which I replied.

 

I decided to send her some flowers which when she received she called me up and we spent 2 hrs on the phone chatting and getting on so well. (I was hurting and wanted to be angry but thought this would get me nowhere). Again, she said how much she loved and missed me. And we parted on good terms.

 

She is such a loyal and kind-hearted girl and I know she would not do anything to hurt anyone without good reason so I have to believe that she is being 100% when she say's she loves me but needs some time on her own. At the moment I am trying to keep my distance but I do reply to messages/phone calls from her which are prob twice a week (it's been 2 weeks). I don't see the point in cutting her off completely and not responding as this would only make me unhappy and I would still be in the same position I am now anyway - without her. Also, some people respond to being shown love and attention as much as others respond to being shown the cold shoulder - difficult to know what to do.

 

My honest take on this is that she does genuinely love me and care about me but also that she has suddenly thought to herself - 'we're both only 23 is this what I definitely want'? She said to me last week that she sees us ending up together but that she has never been able to just be on her own.

 

PLEASE HELP AS I AM VERY CONFUSED

[ArdeaCandidissima]

My sympathies. The anguish of fading love can be severe.

 

You may not want to hear this, but I believe that what your girlfriend did was a good thing. You were both very young when you formed an exclusive connection, and that means that you were both unformed people - almost children, really. You have grown together, with a lot of love, but your girlfriend has possibly decided she wants to see what it's like being on her own - or maybe even with other guys. (I don't mean in a sexual way primarily - although that may also occur.)

 

Married people grow apart - unmarried people grow apart too. This may have happened. You want her back and you want the pain to stop, no doubt. The pain may actually be the pain of personal growth and development. There's really no way of getting her back - she may come on her own accord. I'd leave the door open, but I'd go on with my life, even if only going through the motions. To be frank, I think the chance of her returning is low.

 

The one thing you DON'T want to do is alienate her through anger or weirdness, which would only guarantee that she would never come back.

 

Grieve - work out - clean the refrigerator - work extra hours - take long walks - listen to loud music - go and meet new people - volunteer to help the poor or bedridden. Live your life.

[Jilly]

I agree. You need to keep active and keep living. I think when people ask for 'space' it really is the begining of the end. You've had five good years together - learn from it, take comfort from it, and try and stop the texts and phone calls soon ..... they are just prolonging your pain.

 

YOU need space now - don't jump into another relationship. Have some boy's nights out, do the bars and the clubs, or just a fishing weekend ......... just do the boys stuff for a while.

 

Good Luck.

[goingoutofmymind]

Thanks v much for your advice.

 

The latest is that I bumped into her at a bus stop on saturday night. she was going home for the weekend and i was going out for my brothers birthday. (this was very strange and unexpected as she lives in London and I live about 40 miles away)

 

We both acted like we wanted to act like we used to but didn't really know how. we kissed twice and she made a point of saying she loved me. then her bus came and i had to go as my brother and friends were waiting.

 

should i call her or wait and see if she calls me? i spoke to her sister last night (i know her very well) and she implored me to give her a call and insisted that she thought things would work out ok.

 

want to move on if things aren't going to be solved but also feel like i should give it my best shot to sort things out (something i forgot to mention in my original post is that she has just started a new job and recently returned from holiday - her sister believes that she is reassessing her whole life and it is something that will blow over)

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Well, I guess you can call a little if you think you can handle it. Don't ever call more than twice without a reply from her. I do have to tell you, I think she wants to move on. She knows how to find you if she wants you back.

 

Paradoxically, the best chance you have of "winning" her back (although I believe it is still small) is going on with your life and preferably developing new interests and friends. No woman wants a weepy, sobby, clingy guy clutching for her like he just fell off the Titanic and she's the only life raft in the North Atlantic.