SarahGirl Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 I just got married three months ago. I am 19 yrs old, and my husband is 22. We are both mature for our age... or so I thought. About a month after we got married I found an e-mail he sent to an ex-coworker(39 yr old) about 'getting some drinks'. (note...this e-mail to her was a week before our wedding) He let her know he was available at any time....hmmm. Okay, so I thought that was strange. I kept looking on his computer where I found, not exaggerating, at least one-hudred downloaded porn clips. That pissed me off even more. He also had a few ex-girlfriends under his hotmail contacts. I told him how all of these things really bothered me. I was extremely upset over this...so...hehehe...I put a key-logger onto his computer, which is a hidden program that I can access on his computer to see everything that he types, including screenshots, and websites. Two weeks later, he plans yet another outing (going out for drinks), this time with an 'old friend'. He made sure that the outing was scheduled on the night I had to work. He deleted all e-mails, ect..so I wouldn't find out. He didn't end up going with her that night because he had to go out of town on business for the day (to Oklahoma..I know he did because mileage on his car and his online bank statements). Despite all of these things, I have come to one conclusion. He is going to do what he is going to do. He planned another date, despite my feelings against it. He still downloads boogles of porn, only now he does so in a secretive location. I am sick and tired of playing detective. I am feeling more and more uptight when I'm around him. He is sneaking things behind my back. I almost get the feeling that he is just hesitant on telling me things because he doesn't want me to get mad. But really...I don't know. What do you guys think??? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 I think you've married waaay to young. If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have waited until I was thirty. You will drive yourself absolutely insane given his age, lack of maturity, and propensity towards dishonesty. Do you think you could spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do now, or might it be better to count your losses and bail out now? Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 I wholeheartedly agree with Enigma: cut your losses, now. Bail out. Leave him before you get pregnant or suffer a nervous breakdown. You're a wife, not a private eye or prison warden. I'd run like hell straight out the door because, girl, things are only going to become worse. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 7, 2003 Share Posted November 7, 2003 I find 3 things that are screaming HOLY CRAP BATMAN!!!! 1: All the evidence you found on his computer about meeting other women for a few drinks.... (porn i think isnt a major issue in my opinion though of course, because most males look at porn anyways.... etc etc...) im sorry but i feel hes already cheating on you by lying and hiding it from you. why would he do that unless hes hiding something even major from you??? 2: You married soooooooooo damn young..... i was as well married at a young age and thought i was mature, honey im working on my divorce now... not saying youll end up like me.... however all the evidence you have provided points towards that. 3: You DONT trust him now whatsoever cuz of the key-logger, going thru his email, reciepts etc... etc.... (its crappy he has put u in that position to have to reosrt to these measures) so if you arent trusting him now, you wont ever trust him.... hes pulling this crap now? what hes going to be doing for the next 50 years (if it lasts that long) is going to drive you insane!! and quite frankly thats a lot of wasted years on someone who you will never be able to trust at all.... So what would happen if you let him go and meet this woman and you find out the specifics, then just sort of crash the party.... let them meet for drinks... and then just sort of show up.... he cant deny it then with them both sitting there.... That may be bad advice however im thinking that may be the harshest evidence you need in order for you to realize that he isnt going to waste your life away for the next 50 years..... cuz if the evidence you already have isnt screaming INFEDILITY at you, then maybe that will..... just some food for thought!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bobo Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 Ummm is it just me then who thinks you're overreacting here? I don't know any guys my age or younger (am 28) who don't own some kind of porn. Yet most of us (inc me) are married or in long term relationships. And, I know for a fact not one of my friends has ever been unfaithful to their partner, in fact they are totally in love with them. It never even occurred to me until rading things on this site that porn is cheating! OK so my gf doesn;t know about it bcos it feels a bit sordid and embarrassing, but plenty of my freind's gfs know and dont seem to mind at all. In the real world, I have eyes only for my gf, never think of infidelity with anyone. I think it would be way way way worse if instead of this porn your guy was fantasising about someone 'real'. Second point. The drinks. My gf is away and I have been going for drinks with female ex work buddies sometimes. True, my gf knows about it but, rightly, she trusts me. Again it would never occur to me to do anything with these girls. we are just mates who like a beer. Maybe you bf wants a break from you, as in someone else to chat to once in a while. it could be male or female friends. maybe he didnt tell you cos he knew you would get jealous unnecessarily (one of my female freinds can never see me now bcos she asked her new bf i she could go for a drink with me and he said no!) lastly, the ex emails. Because I only go out with people when I already know I like them, and because I try and take care not to hurt them when breaking up (nor taking it too personally when they break up with me) I am still friends and in contact with some of them. Maybe you should take it as a sign he's a catch that they still want to keep in touch with him? I could be wrong, about the drinks part, maybe if i were you i would carry on checking his emails for your piece of mind. But don;t jump to conclusions Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 11, 2003 Share Posted November 11, 2003 Bobo - it's about honesty. If you're going to go out with an old friend for a drink, why not tell your partner about it? That which is hidden equals a secret. Secret meetings with people of the opposite gender are not OK when somebody's in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
babyblue Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 Bobo, ...question about porn...I'm about the same age as you, and discovered that my bf watches porn 3-4 times a week!!!! I'm not a very reserved person, but would you not agree that this is excessive??? In your opinion, is this "normal", or does this guy have a problem, maybe even an addiction? I don't know...maybe you could explain the visual need for porn in order to masturbate. Why not just masturbate without? I don't get it. But I am definitely feeling uneasy about it. We've talked about briefly, but I would rather get my opinion about all of this cleared up before bringing it up again. I mean if it's so perfectly normal, why are you "embarrased" to admit it to your girlfriend? Confused... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 The age of marriage isn't necessarily a bad thing. My aunt & uncle have been married for 25 years, and they got married at 20 years old. The porn thing to me, isn't much of an issue. We are human beings and are attracted to certain things. What does bother me is him wanting to meet that woman. He shows no respect for you or your feelings when he does this. Link to post Share on other sites
babyblue Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 bobo, or anyone out there... one more thing...Am I crazy to think that someone so into porn will be more easily lured into an extra-marital affair one day when our sex life perhaps hits a low (ie: kids, life!)??? Right now, sex is great, we've barely hit our 1 year mark, but I wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
miliatrywife Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 hey girl i married at 19 also...i have some ups and downs for you that you will and will not like..... if it was me and this is my own opion then when i confronted him and things didnt stop i would not have married him...i would have put it off next...when i first got married we moved 3 states away from everyone that we knew for the air force...which was verrrrry hard on me...i had NO ONE to turn to for my personal problems like yours.... i was in the same situation about the porn stuff i used to hunt and hunt for stuff on our puter and then get pissed off about it....then i later thought to myself...WHY in the hell am i puttin myself in this position...ya know why...i figured out i liked to get pissed off i guess...cause thats the only reason i could come up with later i started lookin at my own **** weather it be gay nude men or lesbians or both...then i found out it turned my husband on that i liked it and wasnt gettin pissy when he done it...so now we both look at it i also monitor still now what he looks at and i watch for what he likes and then we try it out if we like it then we keep doin it Link to post Share on other sites
mywife'smanalways Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Originally posted by bobo Ummm is it just me then who thinks you're overreacting here? I don't know any guys my age or younger (am 28) who don't own some kind of porn. Yet most of us (inc me) are married or in long term relationships. And, I know for a fact not one of my friends has ever been unfaithful to their partner, in fact they are totally in love with them. It never even occurred to me until rading things on this site that porn is cheating! OK so my gf doesn;t know about it bcos it feels a bit sordid and embarrassing, but plenty of my freind's gfs know and dont seem to mind at all. In the real world, I have eyes only for my gf, never think of infidelity with anyone. I think it would be way way way worse if instead of this porn your guy was fantasising about someone 'real'. Second point. The drinks. My gf is away and I have been going for drinks with female ex work buddies sometimes. True, my gf knows about it but, rightly, she trusts me. Again it would never occur to me to do anything with these girls. we are just mates who like a beer. Maybe you bf wants a break from you, as in someone else to chat to once in a while. it could be male or female friends. maybe he didnt tell you cos he knew you would get jealous unnecessarily (one of my female freinds can never see me now bcos she asked her new bf i she could go for a drink with me and he said no!) lastly, the ex emails. Because I only go out with people when I already know I like them, and because I try and take care not to hurt them when breaking up (nor taking it too personally when they break up with me) I am still friends and in contact with some of them. Maybe you should take it as a sign he's a catch that they still want to keep in touch with him? I could be wrong, about the drinks part, maybe if i were you i would carry on checking his emails for your piece of mind. But don;t jump to conclusions I disagree. I know a number of men around this age who do not own porn. I choose not to own or view porn because I feel that it both dishonors my wife, whom I love dearly and because it objectifies women and takes our God-given sexuality and perverts it into something it was never meant to be while ignoring it's true purpose; a powerful, exclusive joy between man and wife. As far as the clandestine contacts with other women go, he is a married man and has absolutely no business doing things that appear to be philandering, whether he is actually betraying his wife sexually or not. Especially when he KNOWS it is contrary to his wife's wishes. And the lying?? All this aside, the fact that the husband here feels he needs to hide his goings on only signals that he really does know just how wrong it is. The fact that this sort of thing is so common is a testament to the fact that people in our society are being raised to believe that scratching each and every itch in whatever manner one wishes is just fine, no matter who it hurts in the process. God help all our chjildren...... Link to post Share on other sites
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