adamt Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Been nearly 2 months since she broke up with me after 3 years. We lived about 160 miles apart and distance was never an issue. We were both trusting and were making plans to buy a house and move in together. We always talked that honesty and trust was an important part of a LDR. I am never the sort to get jealous. Now i look back and feel in the last 4 months she was starting to distance herself and spend more time with friends and wanting to spend less and less time with me. I had no problems with it at the time because i felt i could trust her. I feel used in the last few months of the relationship. Now she is single she is doing things she said she never really was into. She was a homely girl who prefered nights in but now she seems to be going out a lot more. I feel a bit of a fool for letting it carry on for until the end. Does anyone else feel afterwards that they get the feeling they realise they didnt really know the ex afterall. Likje they become a stranger and you were played a fool. When it came to the crunch they felt they werent into you that much afterall and left. You were just some stability for them at that point in their life and they dont need you anymore. She has now left herself high and dry and i'm the one struggling to keep treading water. Hopefully the tide will go out soon and i can get back on land. Link to post Share on other sites
Danzig Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I feel that way right now too. She was talking sh*t behind my back, to my best friend's gf( like she thought it wouldn't get back to me lol). That sweet , caring, understanding, mature person I thought she was seems to have turned into the opposite. Kinda like she was wearing a mask in front of me or something. Link to post Share on other sites
ahotmess Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 It is UNBELIEVABLE that I could have misjudged a person to that extent. Our families hung out togehter, we talked about buying a house, hell we looked at houses together. We had vacations planned and a love like I never had felt before.....then my "friend"...my married "friend" made her move. He followed his dick. EVERYONE is in shock. They have hurt sooo many people. My biggest qualm is that I was SOOOO wrong about him...honestly NEVER saw this coming. He is NOT the man I fell in love with. I'm in love with who I thought he was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adamt Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 The ex talked about making wills for when we bought the house in the future, life insurance,talked about joint bank accounts, mortgage..etc all the serious stuff. thank god it didnt get that far. It difficult to get my head around someone going on about long term commitment to splitting up within 2 months. Was she inlove with the idea of playing happy families rather than being inlove with me? I just dont get how if you love someone it can change so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
heatherb16 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Sadly, no. It's been one month since the break up and I still look at him as the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel as if I always will. I don't blame him for anything. He never did anything wrong to me, and in a way, that almost sucks. It seems like it would be so much easier to just forget him if he had been a jackass. But that's not the case. Now.. I'm not mad at him anymore for giving up on us. It's what was in his heart and he was being hurt by my actions and words. I almost wish that I still was angry at him, and that he was the biggest ass of a boyfriend there is. But he wasn't. I don't see him as a different person now that we are not together. I actually command him for finally letting me know his true feelings. Some times things just don't work out. It may not be either persons' fault. There will always be a part of me that still loves him. That's the hardest part. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 You were just some stability for them at that point in their life and they dont need you anymore. She has now left herself high and dry and i'm the one struggling to keep treading water. Hopefully the tide will go out soon and i can get back on land. Big time for me! I was there to help my ex get through her final year of college, helped her out in soooo many ways. She finished her final exams on a Friday, the next Monday we got in a bit of an argument, and it was over. And now I find out at her graduation party, she was with another guy. So I got to do all the hard work, and someone else got to celebrate with her. I definitely fell for all her lies. She went out all the time with the guy she was with before me, and I came right out and told her that I liked staying home and didn't go out much, and she said "that's fine, I went out a lot because he wanted to go out a lot. Now I'm with you, and we don't have to do that". But now that we're apart I'm sure she's going out and having fun. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Dude, If she's your ex, why do you give a sh*t? Link to post Share on other sites
frustrated&sad Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I thought I knew my ex, too. Actually, he was this wonderful, caring, easy-going, confident, charismatic man until we got engaged. Then he changed. Over the past 1.5 yrs since our engagment, I received verbal lashings; I saw him punch holes in the wall; I saw him break up with me over suggesting how he steep his tea (no lie); I heard him scream at me; I was patronized. Then it all went away for 2 months. Then he just left. So, yeah, I feel like I was living with and loving a stranger. I don't even know what to think about him any more. The person I thought he was, or the image I had of him in my head, is not the person he really is. Part of that is absolutely my fault. I refused to accept that this was the man I had loved for several years. I made excuses. I told no one--not even my journal. Instead, I just kept thinking that if I loved him more, if I was better, he would stop acting so irrationally. All that did was make me feel like I don't even know myself anymore! So, yep, I am right there with you. I was played for a fool, as were you. And it sucks. BUT--we are wiser for it, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
andreww Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 ha yeh in thought i knew mine. she was the most anti drug person i knew she once threatend to break up with me because she thort my friend was dealing weed to my brothers friends which was completly wrong he just knew some one who could. anyway. after breaking up with me she started going out with a guy the next week who uses ecstasy regualy . hipocrite. im not sure why hes so much better than me. Link to post Share on other sites
joseffrost Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Yep, I can relate to this. I was going to move in with my ex, and she used to call me crying because she hated living with her housemates at uni, she hated going out with them and said she was only really happy when she was with me or with her family. Now guess who has taken my place on a planned holiday? Guess who she's planning on living with next year? Yep, one of those very 'friends' who she apparently could not stand. Am I bitter? No not really, if she would rather be with people who, when push comes to shove, don't really care about her, then good luck to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Excellent Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I sure as hell didn't know my ex. One night she was sitting right next to me, talking about moving in together, having kids..you know, building a future together kind of stuff. The next day she dumps me, saying i was too nice. That was pretty much like someone slapping a big "?" in my face. She had been distant a week or two before this tho, but with all her "communication is important" talk, or "i don't like keeping secrets" talk i would have thought she'd tell me if anything was wrong. I knew something was wrong, and i asked. But did i get an answer? Sure. I got the old "Everything is fine" line. So then what, was i supposed to nag? Oh well, you live and you learn. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 It is UNBELIEVABLE that I could have misjudged a person to that extent. Amen!! I no longer trust my powers of perception, seriously. I thought I had found my twin on the planet, my missing piece. I thought he was so different from other guys. I thought he was telling the truth when he said he loved me and that I could trust him. I feel like I got taken for all I was worth. Link to post Share on other sites
ahotmess Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Amen!! I no longer trust my powers of perception, seriously. I thought I had found my twin on the planet, my missing piece. I thought he was so different from other guys. I thought he was telling the truth when he said he loved me and that I could trust him. I feel like I got taken for all I was worth. I know I got taken. We had the complete package. Is he really the great person who I thought, but made a terrible choice...or was he just doing one hell of an acting job? He was different than other guys. He really was. He was everything I was looking for, apparently he was everything my married "friend" was looking for too. What "friends" do I trust now? Will I ever believe someone loves me again? It's effin scary to think about it all. I'm doing alright....I don't communicate with either of them. Period. I haven't said a word to her, despite her texts asking me to just talk to her. But I'm telling you, it's a struggle to get out of bed....I mean, literally. I need to get moving again...but really I'm so mentally dizzy right now that I don't know what way is up. Link to post Share on other sites
broken_promises Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Now she is single she is doing things she said she never really was into. Yes, exactly. It makes me question everything my ex ever said. My ex is now doing things that he either never mentioned doing or always declined doing with me. So, I feel like he is just a totally fake, shallow person who is swayed to change himself and activities based on who he is with and/or he wanted to do those things, but just never wanted to do those things WITH ME. Probably a little of both. Regardless, it does feel like a slap in the face and like he was just biding his time with me until something better came along (in the form of Facebook friends and crushes from high school.) The only way to protect myself now is to just keep myself from finding out about his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Notice the commonalities:Does anyone else feel afterwards that they get the feeling they realise they didnt really know the ex afterall. That sweet , caring, understanding, mature person I thought she was seems to have turned into the opposite. It is UNBELIEVABLE that I could have misjudged a person to that extent. I just dont get how if you love someone it can change so quickly. ...I find out at her graduation party, she was with another guy. So I got to do all the hard work, and someone else got to celebrate with her. I thought I knew my ex, too. Actually, he was this wonderful, caring, easy-going, confident, charismatic man until we got engaged. ha yeh in thought i knew mine. I sure as hell didn't know my ex. One night she was sitting right next to me, talking about moving in together, having kids..you know, building a future together kind of stuff. The next day she dumps me, saying i was too nice. Amen!! I no longer trust my powers of perception, seriously.I'd be willing to be the proverbial farm that, in every case here, these good folks did what Oprah and Dr Phil and all the rest of the pop psychologists espouse: Trust your feelings, listen to your gut, be aware of your instincts and all the rest. Reality check, as proven by these examples here: Feelings can be easily misleading. Gut instincts cannot be relied upon. They may provide a guide but they're not 100% accurate. We have to use our heads as well as our hearts. To use either one at the exclusion of the other is a recipe for disaster. Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 she once threatend to break up with me because she thort my friend was dealing weed to my brothers friends What?!? Is she 14? That's like saying "I know a guy who knows a girl who doesn't like your aunt's house, I'm breaking up with you." I saw him break up with me over suggesting how he steep his tea (no lie) Have you ever read the book Men Who Can't Love? Normally I think these kinds of books are silly, but a friend gave me this one and I have to admit it was eerily accurate. It talks about guys like yours, who are all enthusiastic until you're committed, and then they find fault with every little thing you do. Mine was very much the same -- constantly telling me I was "amazing," showing interest in the things I was passionate about, staying up all night long having great conversations about music (what he does) and dance (what I do) and the similarities between them. And then all of a sudden, after almost a year, he wakes up one morning and tells me he can't be with me because I'm not a musician, and leaves, never to be seen again. He knew this about me all along, but SUDDENLY ONE DAY it was the deal breaker, so much so that he had to TOTALLY DISAPPEAR. The point is, when they start feeling panicked about commitment, any little thing is grounds for a breakup, and nothing we can do can stop it. I couldn't have loved him more or treated him better, and if he really had issues with dating someone who didn't play music, he could easily have brought that up before we ever went out. He could have discussed it with me and told me how important it was to him, and suggested people he knew with whom I could have taken lessons. He had a million chances not to get involved with me, but instead he would have me think that it just hit him one morning and was totally non-negotiable and not up for discussion. That, to me, screams AFRAID OF COMMITMENT. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 My ex used me as a rebound, but I didnt realize it until I found this site. We both had our guards up the whole time. But the whole time, everything was "whatever you want" What I wonder is if she planned to keep her guard up regardless if I got attached to her or not. Im pretty sure she had no feelings for me when she dumped me for the new guy. I saw red flags from the beginning, kept my guard up, but I didnt know what they meant. I put down my guard near the end, foolishly. All the great things she said while cuddling, (your perfect, hey gorgeous, i cant stop thinking about you) I dont know if they were an act, or the truth. She kept checking on me for 3 months until I ignored her texts, I wonder how much longer she would have done that, and if it really was boosting her ego. Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 As far as I know, I know my ex. But I'm not going to check up on her now, its only going to be a set back. Who cares what's she's up to now. I wonder, but I don't want to know, honestly, I'd rather assume the worst and be done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
bitteorca Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Sadly, no. It's been one month since the break up and I still look at him as the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel as if I always will. I don't blame him for anything. He never did anything wrong to me, and in a way, that almost sucks. It seems like it would be so much easier to just forget him if he had been a jackass. But that's not the case. Now.. I'm not mad at him anymore for giving up on us. It's what was in his heart and he was being hurt by my actions and words. I almost wish that I still was angry at him, and that he was the biggest ass of a boyfriend there is. But he wasn't. I don't see him as a different person now that we are not together. I actually command him for finally letting me know his true feelings. Some times things just don't work out. It may not be either persons' fault. There will always be a part of me that still loves him. That's the hardest part. I've got to empathise more with this response I don't think my ex has changed all that much (although I am NC so I wouldn't truly know!). From when I spoke to her, she did seem slightly cold at times, but at the same time told me she loved me, she missed me, etc. Basically I see this as her putting her guard up to me (she's got many reasons to do this, she doesn't want to be heartbroken again), and the 'love you' bits as letting her guard slip. I may be wrong about all this, maybe she's turned into some heartless sl*t, but I doubt it very much. I've had a fair amount of time to think about things as well, I'm not saying that in the immediate break-up stage when a lot of idealisation takes place. I see her as the way she's always been, but just being a hell of a lot stronger when it comes to me. Good for her She's an awesome girl, and I hope she's happy Link to post Share on other sites
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