myway4077 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 It seems that everyone repeats the same thing over and over about how to get you exwife back. Would love to know if everyone can agree on one or two things. I would love to hear from people how are in the process of reconciliation. What i would like to know is what worked for them and what didn't. Am curious to see if the mistakes made by people are the same and would also love ot see if the things that worked for those how are on the path to reconciliation are the same. DATA DATA DATA. Thank you and God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 You might want to read "How_to_Win_Back_the_One_You_Love" http://www.bookfinder.com/dir/i/How_to_Win_Back_the_One_You_Love/0553277367/ by Eric Weber, Steven S. Simring Basically it advocates opening a dialog and how to go about doing that. Table of contents Make Conversation, not Love Don't Walk On Eggshells Starting a Dialogue Listening The Power of Words Don't Scramble for Moral Superiority Changing Excitement When Words Are Not Enough Spending Sharing The Burden Your One Great Strength How To Deal With Your Mates Affair Insist on One Year Specificity Steadfastness Don't be a Pit-able Cause Professional Help Lawyers Re coupling Epilogue Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 My Wife didn't cheat (to my knowledge), after 13 years of being married one day she thought she wasn't happy. Thank God I found this place right away, my emotions were crazy (shocked, sad, scared, pissed) and I couldn't eat or sleep. I found this place and read threads fairly common to my situation, what i did was immediately started the 180 and basically had very LC, I started doing things to make me happy and showed her i was preparing to move on without her, I was a mess during this time but never once let her see it. After about 10 days or so she did a complete flip and now I'm in recovery from the incident. I told her if she pulls this **** EVER again, I'm out. It was an eye opener for me, I didn't think she was capable of inflicting that much pain on me. In a way I'm now better off for it, I'm hopeful things will be ok BUT if not I feel i have the tools to not only survive but thrive being single. I guess I just made myself more interisting and showed signs of being a Alpha Male, I guess I made these changes before it was too late. I'm still working at being a better person, not for her but for me...If she chooses to continue to work at the marriage, great, if not it's her loss and I will move on. I have made this very clear verbally and by my actions. I hope this helps you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 My Wife didn't cheat (to my knowledge), after 13 years of being married one day she thought she wasn't happy. Thank God I found this place right away, my emotions were crazy (shocked, sad, scared, pissed) and I couldn't eat or sleep. I found this place and read threads fairly common to my situation, what i did was immediately started the 180 and basically had very LC, I started doing things to make me happy and showed her i was preparing to move on without her, I was a mess during this time but never once let her see it. After about 10 days or so she did a complete flip and now I'm in recovery from the incident. I told her if she pulls this **** EVER again, I'm out. It was an eye opener for me, I didn't think she was capable of inflicting that much pain on me. In a way I'm now better off for it, I'm hopeful things will be OK BUT if not I feel i have the tools to not only survive but thrive being single. I guess I just made myself more interesting and showed signs of being a Alpha Male, I guess I made these changes before it was too late. I'm still working at being a better person, not for her but for me...If she chooses to continue to work at the marriage, great, if not it's her loss and I will move on. I have made this very clear verbally and by my actions. I hope this helps you. JHC! Someone finally got the message! I stand here in shock and awe! Live your life for yourself! Not someone else! Your the one that's in charge of your Life, your happiness, your destiny ~ and no one else! Your the one who's in charge of your happiness in Life ~ not someone else! You're as happy in Life as you make your mind up to be! Do so daily! People come! And people go! 'Ain't' no one monkey that makes a show! The first person who you need to learn to love? Is yourself! Quit beating yourself up! There's pleanty of people waiting just outside your front doors in the bushes with Louieville Sluggers just waiting for the chance to do it for you. JUST to see the look on your face! Your worse enemy in all of this? Is yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Pretty much the same situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 Thank you for your replies. Trust and gunny i respect both of you guys to the fullest. I think both of you come from two different angles and can help me with my situation. Bottom line is that i know what i did wrong and am willing to do whatever it takes help restore my marriage. Am already in the process of taking care of myself first, its crazy because thats what got me here in the first place. Trust i have read your thread and find myself feel alot like you. Maybe we can share some ideas on try to make the relationships we are in work. Gunny i feel that you can help me with my 180 with your straight forwrdness. Looking forward to both of you guys in put. I don't want a shrink i want real life experiences. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
tsabs Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 I am in the process of trying to reconcile my marriage after being unfaithful to my amazing husband. I think we have a very very good chance of making it through this, we have had one other rough patch in our relationship(not infidelity) and the things that helped us through that made our relationship stronger and made us love each other even more. I am very hopeful. Honesty, I think that has been hardest for me, but it helps so much to just keep being completely honest. it helps me and it helps my husband> I didnt know I could be so honest, and was hiding a part of myself that I was ashamedof, which is partly where this destructive behavior came from. Giving space and being respectful.. obviously, its important to take the time to work on the problems that brought you to where you are, and to let your wife grieve and be angry as well. the end result is both of you being in a more honest place, hopefully. It sounds like you really want it to work, and you really understand what you did to push her away.. My husband has told me that it does help him that I apologize often, sometimes many times a day.. not in a brow beaten way, just honestly. I think reminding her that you know you screwed up and you dont want it to happen again is very valuable. What is her position in this? is she adamantly opposed to working on it? Does she still love you? its important to take all of that into account. If you think there is even a glimmer of hope, and you can be patient and work your ass off, it will only make you better, and if you can get your lady back as well, its best for everyone! I really think that patience is one of the key factors. My husband had a sort of pre mid life crisis a few years ago, and It was brutal, 3 months of disconnect from the man I loved, but I was so patient, and treated the situation as though he was sick.. you wouldt leave someone you loved if they were sick, would you?> I asked him to look at this situation the same way I looked at that one. He understands, and is committed to working through this. its going to be very very hard, and I will let you know if i realize anything else that might help you.. Just be patient and keep working on making yourself better for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 Gunny i feel that you can help me with my 180 with your straightforwardness. Straightforward? Little old me? Looking forward to both of you guys in put. I don't want a shrink i want real life experiences. MC's and shrinks have a higher rate of divorce than the average Joe on the Street. Thank you. When I got divorce, back before the Internet and such forums as LS, I did everything I could to save my marriage. All of the 'so-called' traditional things. Imploring, trying to persuade, buying jewelry, writing letters. Of course the harder I pursued? The further and faster she ran in the opposite direction. All I've ever gotten as for the reason for the divorce? Was that I had to changed. I'm learned since having retired from the Marine Corps, that I can be a little intimidating to men and women, but most especially women. I've literally have had to learn how to force myself to smile and laugh ~ instead of walking around like some seriously PO Marine senior drill instructor everywhere I go! Body language comprises 98% of all communication, and women are very attuned to it. Getting back on track here ~ we could use some additional information and/or direct us to your original thread? The 180's work ~ but they work best when the individual intidating them is the one that's least emotionally invested in the relationship. And are best used in a proactive sense. In a the pain/pleasure debate, we do things not so much because we seek pleasure? But because we wish to avoid the pain? But when it comes to another person? Its best to go the opposite route. People get with people not because of how they feel about us? They get with us because of how we make them feel about themselves. When we stop doing that? That go looking for someone else. Now don't go getting a working relationship mixed up with an intimate relationship? They're two different animals. But the skill set can be inter-changeable. The first thing you've got to do is gain control over yourself and your feelings about the relationship ~ much as lupa is doing and currently struggling with. The one that cares the least about the relationship? Is the one that controls it. That BTW? Would not be you at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 My situations, its been one year i left my house. I was unfaithful,neglectful, a selfish bastard, we have two kids together. She gave all of herself to our relationship/marriage and I took it for granted. I did the begging and everything else that comes with it at the beginning of the seperation. Am better now and am woking on myself, as hard as it may be. Like everyone else i fall off the wagon and ask for another chance, but i have decided to stop doing that and become a great dad to my children and just be her friend. At first it felt as though i had a chance to reconcile but as of late it seems as there is no hope. I have not given her any space whatsoever. I am doing that now and am hopingi its not to late. She says she loves me and cares about me but she no longer sees me in her future. She just wants us to be coparents. I don't want my children to grow up in a broken home. I love her and pray every day we can find our way back to each other. A changing in every way possible. She hears it from evryone that am changing but its not enough. I know i need to give space and have patience but its been a year and nothing has changed. i want to try my best to get her back and if it doesn't work out then i can move on. She is keeping my last name and is holding on to our wedding rings does this mean anything? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 24, 2009 Share Posted July 24, 2009 I did the begging and everything else that comes with it at the beginning of the seperation. Am better now and am woking on myself, as hard as it may be. Like everyone else i fall off the wagon and ask for another chance, but i have decided to stop doing that I have not given her any space whatsoever. I know i need to give space and have patience but its been a year and nothing has changed. Hi, I know you want to reconcile with your w, but re-read your post above. You say you have done the whole begging thing (we all have), you keep asking for another chance, you have not given her any space at all, then say but it's been a year and she still won't give me a second chance. Do you see? The advice given by those on here that have managed to reconcile with their spouses is always the same, you have to back off, completely, 100%. You don't ask for another chance, the path to reconcilaition has to come from your w, as hard as it is to except, nothing you do is going to make her change her mind. The only way that will happen now, is if she sees you changing and moving on without her, in real time, without you falling off the wagon and asking for another go. If she doesn't, you will have gotten yourself to a place where, although you would have liked to reconcile with your w, you can move on for yourself. I wish you all the best and luck in reconciling, but this really is the only chance you have, I hope it works out though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 25, 2009 Author Share Posted July 25, 2009 Thank you for your reply. I understand that 100% but in the mean time what should i do to help my chances. I read all the threads in which success was brought about through the person showed their ex some true changes. Am in the process of making changes that i personally thought were necessary in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
hilljilly Posted July 25, 2009 Share Posted July 25, 2009 She is keeping my last name and is holding on to our wedding rings does this mean anything? speaking as a woman who is also happily separated but still wearing her wedding ring and not changing her last name: i am doing it because it causes less confusion for the school system, the doctors office, etc. if you have the same last name as your kids. i wear the ring because i am not an unwed mother. i know the times have changed and it is not 1950 and there are plenty of single moms and there is nothing wrong with that but it's still easier on the kids when people aren't judging their mom. my mom was widowed when i was very young and people do judge kids whose parents aren't married, whether it's right or wrong it happens. i found myself defending my mom a lot and explaining she was a widow not a single mom, and i was not explaining myself to other kids, i was explaining myself to adults - teachers, other kids parents, doctors... don't think people don't judge because they do. so that is why i still wear my ring and have not changed my last name, my son and i are still a little family even though his father and i can't live together any longer, and i don't want him to have to ever explain to anyone why his mom has a different last name or to be judged the way i was as a kid. sorry if that offends any single unwed moms but i'm just being honest. it doesn't mean she still wants to be married to you. then again i could be totally wrong, but these are my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Poepad Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 Thank you for your reply. I understand that 100% but in the mean time what should i do to help my chances. I read all the threads in which success was brought about through the person showed their ex some true changes. Am in the process of making changes that i personally thought were necessary in my life. This is very simple. Dress better. Clean up your vehicle. The key is the kids. Call them every nite. Get 50/50 custody. Spent time with them. Cook for them. Spent time with them without asking if she wants to come along. Pretend she is on a long business trip, and you are the only one taking care of the kids. Move as close as you can, so the kids can use the same school, no matter what house they stay at. Kiss and hug you kids every time you see them. This will take many many months. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Share Posted July 27, 2009 Thank you for your input. I can see what you say about the rings, she does not wear her ring has not for a year now. I have heard the best ways is through the kids. I have been trying my best to spend as much time as possible with them. Am looking to move closer so that they can go to a new school. I know its going to take time and energy. It was her birthday today and i did not even see her. I did buy her gift and plan on giving it to her some time this week. I was on the fence about the gift but i did it anyway. Am going to keep posting and praying some how that this changes. As always thank you all for your opinion. God bless Link to post Share on other sites
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