Let her go?

[kahuna]

Hey guys…in the need of some advice – thx

 

My girlfriend and I are both about 30 yrs old and have been together for about 3 yrs……

 

She is a beautiful girl, with an equally beautiful and tremendously nurturing disposition…..someone with who I share almost every basic value with…religion, family closeness (I get along great with her family, as she does with mine), we really want most of the same things out of life – I really can imagine her being a great wife and a wonderful Mother, as she literally cares about others before herself

 

However, there are times that I simply sometimes feel like we don’t connect on a deeper level…I feel like at times she may not “get me” …and she doesn’t inspire and stimulate me intellectually in all of the ways that she should…..don’t get me wrong, she is a bright girl but it’s a connection and communication level I’m speaking of – when at times I feel frustrated

 

She has been ready to move forward for some time now, and about 1 1/2 yrs ago, we broke up when I explained to her that although I loved her, I wasn’t ready for marriage in the near future …….and I know it was this desire for a higher level of connection that led me to the breakup…..and I figured I’d be fine, start going out with the guys again and move on with my life….

 

After about a month apart, I simply couldn’t stand being without her….it tore me apart to not have her as a part of my life…..so I weighed my feelings for her and we got back together with the understanding we would be engaged within two years time.

 

This new time period is nearing an end, and I still am unsure about moving forward….I don’t think I am prepared to let her walk away, but also still have these doubts as to our compatibility……and I’ve already promised her that I’d be ready at this point

 

I love her, but don’t know if I’m ready (or should) move on to marriage….I’ve spoken to a couple of friends and family about it, and some say I’d be making a major mistake letting her go, while others say I should def be 100% when moving forward….

 

I’m simply unsure as to whether I am even being realistic in wanting to seek a higher level of connection that I already have with her…there are so many things already there that are in common -

 

Part of me thinks if I found someone with whom I had this one additional connection, could it replace all of these things that we already have??

 

or if all of this is just an excuse for me not wanting to get married at all-

[midori]

Originally posted by kahuna

 

She is a beautiful girl, with an equally beautiful and tremendously nurturing disposition…..someone with who I share almost every basic value with…religion, family closeness (I get along great with her family, as she does with mine), we really want most of the same things out of life – I really can imagine her being a great wife and a wonderful Mother, as she literally cares about others before herself

 

Sounds very promising

 

However, there are times that I simply sometimes feel like we don’t connect on a deeper level…I feel like at times she may not “get me” …and she doesn’t inspire and stimulate me intellectually in all of the ways that she should…..don’t get me wrong, she is a bright girl but it’s a connection and communication level I’m speaking of – when at times I feel frustrated

 

Two things to say to this:

 

1. No one person is going to fill every social, intellectual, and emotional need you have. Based on what you said in the first paragraph quoted above, I'd say you have someone who is quite compatible with you in many ways. But obviously not all. The question is, do her qualities outweigh her "shortcomings?"

 

2. I put "shortcomings" in quotation marks because you might want to consider that the lack of connection on the level you're seeking is as much your fault as it is hers. It's not just her shortcoming. Maybe she has a different way of delving into intellectual issues, or participating in intellectual discussions -- and maybe her way is more interesting in certain regards. Ever think about that? Maybe you're not quite as interesting as you think you are. Are you set in stone, rigid and unable to move into someone else's perspective? That's not a very interesting way to be.

 

Also, have you tried to invite her into your discourse? Maybe she finds you to be a bit intimidating at times. Maybe she's afraid that you won't find her ideas interesting or worthy. I'm not saying that's the case, just guessing, since I don't know the specifics of your situation. But I've been in that situation before, where I was very cautious about what I offered up conversationally lest I look foolish. And it's not always an issue of insecurity (although that certainly plays a role); maybe on some level she perceives you to be uninterested in what she has to say and so she just doesn't bother exposing herself.

 

She has been ready to move forward for some time now, and about 1 1/2 yrs ago, we broke up when I explained to her that although I loved her, I wasn’t ready for marriage in the near future …….and I know it was this desire for a higher level of connection that led me to the breakup…..and I figured I’d be fine, start going out with the guys again and move on with my life….

 

So there has been a lot of uncertainty in your relationship. She knows that she wants to be with you, you've been dragging your feet. Certainly not a context to give her a lot of confidence in herself vis a vis you. I've been there, and I'll tell you that it made me very cautious, and much more quiet than I'm normally inclined.

 

I love her, but don’t know if I’m ready (or should) move on to marriage….I’ve spoken to a couple of friends and family about it, and some say I’d be making a major mistake letting her go, while others say I should def be 100% when moving forward….

 

My ex did this. Bad move. You know who you should be talking to about this: her. Not your friends. I'm sure they're lovely people but they don't know the specific nuances of the relationship (only the two of you do). And like it or not, they have their own agendas. Maybe some of them don't want to see you getting married because it will highlight all the more their own single status. Any number of other reasons. And how insulting to her -- a person who cares so deeply for you -- that you won't discuss your inner turmoil with her. But she is the one who will be directly affected by it. You'll still be going out for drinks with your friends, whether or not you break up with her.

 

I’m simply unsure as to whether I am even being realistic in wanting to seek a higher level of connection that I already have with her…there are so many things already there that are in common -

 

I think you are being terribly idealistic, to the point of being unrealistic. I should reveal my own bias and tell you that I felt that's what my ex did to me. And it was unfair and hurtful. You want it all, but you can't have it, so you must prioritize and make a considered choice. Which is more rare: a person (man or woman) with whom you can have lots of exciting discussions of whatever it is that interests you, or a person who knows you deeply on several different levels (though of course not on all of them), loves you, is a good person, etc.?

 

If she WERE able to engage you on the levels you feel are currently missing, would you be complaining about something else?

 

Part of me thinks if I found someone with whom I had this one additional connection, could it replace all of these things that we already have??

 

It's possible. Anything is possible. So I guess you'll have to figure out how rare are your gf's qualities that you do value. If many women share them, maybe she's not so special. Maybe you should break up with her since she's nothing special AND she's lacking some fundamental qualities that you value. You should also consider the things you feel are lacking: are they wholly absent from her make-up, or are they just perhaps a bit hidden in the context of your relationship? Could they be cultivated?

 

Then you'll have to decide if you want to throw away something that you admit is wonderful because you think you can do better. If you think you can do better, go right ahead. In that case you owe it to your gf to break up with her, because a wonderful woman like her deserves to be with someone who is thoroughly convinced of how wonderful and rare she is.

 

or if all of this is just an excuse for me not wanting to get married at all-

 

That could be the case. I think you need to do some soul-searching about what it is that you want. And I think you need to start talking directly with your girlfriend about these issues. Those discussions will be hard because you don't really know where to pinpoint the source of yoru reluctance. Maybe you should start by asking her, "what do you think of the Democratic primary race so far?" (or whatever it is that you like to discuss). And then listen to what she has to say. LISTEN, instead of thinking about how she isn't saying stuff the way you'd say, or how weird it is that you had to directly ask her the question, or anything else. Listen as if you were genuinely interested. See where that gets you. If her response is "I haven't really given it any thought," ask her some follow up questions. Like, "really? That's a funny thing about us, don't you think? I'm so fascinated by politics, and you don't really seem to care so much one way or the other." Then LISTEN to what she says.

 

Maybe I'm injecting things from my own experience into your situation, and if so forgive me, but it seems to me like you're looking for reasons to dismiss her/reject her. She's not supposed to be your shadow, or your mirror image. She's a person in her own right, someone who just happens to be really good with you on a number of levels. And there are some parts of her that aren't as aligned with you. Why does that make you want to reject her? Why aren't you a little bit curious about those parts of her?

 

You're looking for reasons in her to terminate the relationship. My guess is that the reasons lie within you.

[Bird]

what she said

[Arabess]

HAHAHA Bird....I liked that one.

 

As for the post.....Why do you think you have to find something wrong with her in order to be able to say....I'm not ready to make the final commitment??? Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her....or there is anything wrong with you.....you just don't want to get married at this time.

 

I think Medori is right.....you need to search within yourself....not point fingers at the woman involved. You don't have to find a fault to walk away. Nor should you get deeper in a relationship with someone who doesn't fit what you are looking for.

 

Chances are.....you just don't love her "enough" to promise forever. If you did...her shortcomings and faults would be irrelevant.

[Reckless]

I don't know on this one, I think it's pretty clear it's absolutely not a matter with 'fault', that your girlfriend falls short somewhere, that's not it. But if we don't marry someone because they 'get us' why do we? Isn't it about finding a compatibility of spirit. Not a just a surface compatibility or even a 'lifestyle' compatibility - lifestyles merge, and as long as both are adaptable, two people with love can always work things out and find a middle ground. But the clicking in of the heart and mind, the 'knowing' no matter how 'different' you are. Isn't that what makes you willing to 'forsake all others'?

 

So often I read on this site of couples that plod along, and then meet their 'soul mate' and then big fat globs hit the fan. I don't believe they have met the 'soul mate' but they have failed to value the one they have and the sacrifices seem too great. Not straight away, but eventually. Marriage is hard enough without going into it, knowing without a doubt that you don't click with your partner. That you wanted and expected more. She doesn't deserve that. Maybe you are being an idealist, but don't tell me there aren't couples out there that have found a 'home' in each other and wouldn't want to move. Don't tell me that after, what three years and still doubts linger, that you love her enough. As Arabess said, you don't.

 

I agree with earlier posts, talking to friends and family can't help they are not on the inside and will only confuse things. But I do believe that some people, not all, some are waiting for a true match, heart and mind. Not to show off to each other with their fancy conversations but to enjoy true intimacy. If you are one of those people, then you may have to pay the price, be prepared to live alone until you feel that. You may never feel that way about someone, but if you haven't found it with your girl, and you need it to be happy, then you can't marry her.

 

R.

[Faerie Princess]

Being connected to the people you love is a choice.

 

Your ability to be truly intimate with her is as much at issue as this mystic soul-matedness.

 

I'd suggest you both talk about what you really want in life, in marriage and in the world. Maybe you'll find that connection. If you both are willing to allow each other to be truly in touch with all parts of your lives, you'll find that connection.

 

This doesn't mean you'll understand each other all the time, that you'll agree, that you won't even find other people in your lives that fulfill different needs. But with true desire to connect and grow with one another, you'll be able to form the kind of deep communion that many couples lack.

 

It's on both members of a couple to find those connections.

[moimeme]

we don’t connect on a deeper level

 

This could mean any number of things. Has anybody ever 'connected' with you this way or is it something you imagine?

 

…I feel like at times she may not “get me”

 

Again, elabourate, please. Does this mean she doesn't understand your personality or she doesn't understand something you are talking about?

 

 

she doesn’t inspire and stimulate me intellectually in all of the ways that she should…..don’t get me wrong, she is a bright girl but it’s a connection and communication level I’m speaking of – when at times I feel frustrated

 

 

???? What ways would those be? Are you expecting her to be your muse on every possible level? Again, have you ever felt this sort of inspiration from anyone or is this something you imagine can happen?

 

What I'm getting at is that you may be holding out some sort of unrealistic ideal of what all this 'connection' stuff should be like. Yes, you want to feel a deep bond with your spouse, but that, as Midori and others have pointed out, requires that you invest yourself fully emotionally; a bond needs two. She can't create a bond for you if you're holding back.