It's A Whole New Ballgame Now...

[Adunaphel]

So much has happened…I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll do my best to sum it up real quick…

 

MM had the chance to start a new business venture and he took it. The company is based in another state….not his or mine. Over the past month he got all his ducks in a row and virtually moved there. I’ve been traveling a lot, but was able to visit for a week and check the place out.

 

He and his W discussed their separation before he left. It was a given anyway, but the conversation confirmed they were on the same page. He hasn’t told his kids yet, but he plans to on his first visit home. He should be going back sometime in the next few weeks.

 

This is the perfect scenario, as it gives us a chance to actually date. Seeing one another will still require travel, but it’s a much better situation than before.

 

Am I still the OW? I don’t know…I don’t feel like one anymore. My close friends knew of the affair, but I’ve recently started telling co-workers that he is separated and we have been out a few times. I know, I know….lies, lies and more lies…when will it end?!?! The answer is soon. I’ll just tweak the story as much as I need to until all versions are in line...slowly break them in...

 

I’m happy. He’s happy. Ecstatic might be better verbiage. Either way…life couldn’t be better.

 

Full of Hope,

I think that the very best part of this situation is that now that you have started telling your friends that he is getting separated, you will be more motivated to expect that he takes actual action to get separated.

And if he actually moves away for work you will probably become more impatient... and less tolerant of lies from him.

I wish you the best, but as you cannot really trust him until ha has given you real reasons to... please keep your eyes open and be careful. And - please - do not settle for just some more time with him.

[greengoddess]

This man has it perfect. He's going to tell you he is separated but going home each weekend to see his kids and for financial purposes he will just have to stay in the marital home on weekends.

 

Nothing has changed.

[2sunny]

Full of Hope,

I think that the very best part of this situation is that now that you have started telling your friends that he is getting separated, you will be more motivated to expect that he takes actual action to get separated.

And if he actually moves away for work you will probably become more impatient... and less tolerant of lies from him.

I wish you the best, but as you cannot really trust him until ha has given you real reasons to... please keep your eyes open and be careful. And - please - do not settle for just some more time with him.

 

either that or she'll end up really mad at herself for believing in him and his lies... time will tell - i think you are getting way too far ahead of yourself and making a ton of assumptions about your MM.

 

step back and resume when his divorce is FINAL.

[Mino]

and the fact that you are telling others about HIS separation is inappropriate. it is not your information to tell.

 

if i were him i would be livid! it is PRIVATE information between him and his wife. it's not your info to divulge to anyone.

 

you seem to also discount the role he will play as a father - that role should never go away as they get older... yet your approach is as though they won't really be a big part of his life. the wife (or IF she becomes the exwife) and kids will always remain in his life - whether or not you remain in the picture or not. start getting used to that mindset as your reality forever. IF he is a good father he would still participate in their DAILY life... not move out of state for a woman and/or any job - thus eliminating his daily interaction with them. they need to know they can count on him as a role model - so they understand that he loves them and will always be with them.

 

his actions state that he isn't a man of honor at all... which looks like an undesirable choice in any man to date... available or not.

I agree, the children should come first. It is so important for them that they have daily contact with the father. Just because he is divorcing does not mean he can leave all behind. Co parenting means he is just as responsible as the mother. How will he do this in another state? You should encourage him to maybe open this business where he lives now, so the children dont have to suffer. Seeing them once a month, or every few months in not good for them, especially now where they already have to deal with the parents D, they need more reassurance now then ever before. Think about it.

[NoIDidn't]

This story is so Full of HOLES as to not even be believable.

 

I just can't believe that a person could possibly be this delusional.

 

Sorry, not buying it anymore, at all.

[MistyK]

A "whole new ballgame"? FOH, I don't want to piss on your parade, but I'm really not sure where you get that idea from. To my mind, what he's created here is not a step closer to togetherness for the two of you - assuming that's what you still want - but a step closer to having it both ways, with both women. This way, he can go home "to see the kids" (and see his BW) when it suits him, and to have you over when it suits him, basically havintg hte convenience of a bachelor lifestyle with two women (and kids, and all the trappings of family in the wings) on tap to indulge in as the mood takes him.

 

Perhaps, for him, it is a necessary precursor to true separation - from his family, from you, or from both - but unless the move was actually accompanied by real separation (not just "talk of", which was no doubt reported very differently to you than the precis his W would give to her friends... "H decided to move to another state to make the most of this stunning business opportunity, so that the family will really reap the rewards in the future....") with D lawyers retained on both sides AND THE KIDS INFORMED, you're not there yet.

 

If the kids haven't been told their parents are splitting up, they've been told SOMETHING ELSE - which would have had a promise at the end of it, to make up for the physical absence. And, unless he's a really cruel heartless bastard who's prepared to lie to his kids and build their hopes up, only to dash them without a second thought later, he'll be bound by that promise of a "better life" for them (as a family) down the track through this venture. He had his moment to tell them - if he didn't use it, either he's bull****ting about his intentions (to you) or he's a total wuss who doesn't care who he hurts (in this case his kids, who'll never trust him again) in his single-minded pursuit of what he wants for himself.

 

I wouldn't yet hang up your OW dressing gown though - until the separation is formalised, and there are legalised arangements for the kids to visit him (alone, without their mother) and stay over with him at his place regularly, as part of a bi-nuclear family, or he moves you into his place to live openly with him as his partner - you're still the OW.

 

FOH, I'm not saying this to wish ill on your R - I really do hope it works out for you - but I do wish you'd stop counting your chickes before they hatch. Protect yourself against the heartbreak and disappointment that can still come your way. You're not on planet happiness yet. You're not even on the launchpad yet - you're still driving to the space centre, in separate vehicles, him with his W and kids in the car, ready to give him a peck on the cheek and wish him a safe and speedy journey back. I wouldn't announce much to colleagues or friends yet, either - if he's not doing it, screaming it from the rooftops, your doing so will be seen as rather sad, wistful, wishful thinking, and you'll merely be priming any naysayers to pounce with relish and spite if things don't work out as you're hoping. I know you don't want to hear this, but consider the possibility that things might not work out the way you're planning - and plan for that possibility too.

 

I'm going to have to agree with OWoman here. Best of luck to you. Glad to see you came back.

[complicatedlife]

This story is so Full of HOLES as to not even be believable.

 

I just can't believe that a person could possibly be this delusional.

 

Sorry, not buying it anymore, at all.

 

I had to come out of lurking for this one...

 

As a woman who tries her best to be as fair as possible even when I don't agree, I have to say, I agree with NID. It all sounds incredulous.

 

From a fOW prospective, I could NEVER, EVER (repeat 100, 000 times) be comfortable with a man that I am dating leaving his children like that. I would feel such guilt! My conscience would be kicking my tail every night when I tried to sleep - to be a willing accomplice in the physical, long distance separation of a father from his children and the poor children from their dad? I wouldn't really love him to be able to be a part of that kind of a situation, no matter how much I desired to be with the man. It's cruelty, insensitivity, and selfishness at a height of which I could never climb. <shakes head> This is just awful and sad...IF IT IS INDEED TRUE...which I doubt, sorry to say!

 

Also, can someone be so naive? To believe EVERYTHING an MM says? I mean, I believed my boyfriend when he was an MM, but some things you have just got to take with a grain of salt until proven otherwise! Damn, girl.

[MistyK]

 

From a fOW prospective, I could NEVER, EVER (repeat 100, 000 times) be comfortable with a man that I am dating leaving his children like that. I would feel such guilt! My conscience would be kicking my tail every night when I tried to sleep - to be a willing accomplice in the physical, long distance separation of a father from his children and the poor children from their dad? I wouldn't really love him to be able to be a part of that kind of a situation, no matter how much I desired to be with the man. It's cruelty, insensitivity, and selfishness at a height of which I could never climb. <shakes head> This is just awful and sad...IF IT IS INDEED TRUE...which I doubt, sorry to say!

 

More than kicking myself, I'd be more disturbed by the fact hat he's willing and wants to kick his kids aside so easily. If he can do that to his own kids, then I wouldn't want him around mine. JMO.

[complicatedlife]

More than kicking myself, I'd be more disturbed by the fact hat he's willing and wants to kick his kids aside so easily. If he can do that to his own kids, then I wouldn't want him around mine. JMO.

SUSTAINED!! Hell - if he could do that to his own children - what would he do to ME?? That's what I'd be thinking as the OW. It doesn't even sound like it was a struggle! At least some MM struggle over the course of a few months to years. Geesh.

[Adunaphel]

Not trying to play devil's attorney here... I would not trust Full of Hope's MM either... but a lot of happily married men and some happily married women move away to a different state to pursue a career, and very few people usually label them as awful parents. I think that the "having an affair issue" is once again being mixed with other issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not trying to play devil's attorney here... I would not trust Full of Hope's MM either... but a lot of happily married men and some happily married women move away to a different state to pursue a career, and very few people usually label them as awful parents. I think that the "having an affair issue" is once again being mixed with other issues.

I think that voluntarily moving to another state far away from your kids (didn't the OP mention 1000 miles?) is selfish, regardless of how you rationalize it. There's just no parenting substitute for being there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fooled once]

Not trying to play devil's attorney here... I would not trust Full of Hope's MM either... but a lot of happily married men and some happily married women move away to a different state to pursue a career, and very few people usually label them as awful parents. I think that the "having an affair issue" is once again being mixed with other issues.

 

Most of those divorces are full of hatred and spite; which in turns hurts the kids so very much.

 

I have to agree with NID; any man who gleefully leaves his kids to meet up with his girlfriend, to plan a life with her, away from his kids ----

 

The whole 'masterplan' is so selfish and self serving.

 

Sorry, but when you become a parent and have children who are still small, their needs come first. Parents have to put aside their selfishness ESPECIALLY when kids are hurting.

 

What kind of man is this wonderful guy who so easily disposes of his kids? And FOH - no matter what you do, you will never be the mother to THOSE kids and HIS WIFE will always be that - their MOTHER. Move him to mars, it isn't going to change that.

[Trimmer]

Not trying to play devil's attorney here... I would not trust Full of Hope's MM either... but a lot of happily married men and some happily married women move away to a different state to pursue a career, and very few people usually label them as awful parents. I think that the "having an affair issue" is once again being mixed with other issues.

I'm big on understanding separately the roles of spouse and parent - probably because that's what got me through my divorce in one piece, still able to be a good, cooperative father. So I'm with you as far as the "spouses moving apart" thing. I have no problem imagining two spouses who can come to a mutually agreeable decision to move apart for career and "make it work" to foster their relationship in spite of the distance.

 

However, a parent who picks up and moves away permanently from children during their developmental years? If such a separation were motivated by a compelling advantage to the family that was unobtainable any other way, then with some work, you might convince me to see it as a necessary evil. However, the situation being discussed here is not driven by a desire to bring value to, or create any advantage for, the family - quite the contrary.

[soda]

Wow! Congrats!

 

Wait, I'm missing something here...

 

What part of this post suggests that things are looking up? It looks like he's just gone to great lengths to string along you, his wife and his kids so he can have all of you.

 

He sounds really charming.

[Touche]

Not trying to play devil's attorney here... I would not trust Full of Hope's MM either... but a lot of happily married men and some happily married women move away to a different state to pursue a career, and very few people usually label them as awful parents. I think that the "having an affair issue" is once again being mixed with other issues.

 

I don't think so. I mean I never dated a MM before but as a single person dating, it was always a red flag to me if a person didn't have at least joint custody of their kids.

 

Both my ex-H and my H had joint custody of their kids. That meant that they lived 50% percent of the time with them. Had they lived in a different state than their kids or were just seeing them every other week, it would have really been a red flag for me.

 

This guy, even if he were single, would never in a million years meet my standards, based on this leaving his kids thing. Single OR married. It says a lot. I'm not seeing why you're confused Adu. I totally get where the others are coming from on this issue and I agree with them.

 

Also, I'm confused on this point: Is this a LEGAL separation or not? If not, then to me, you're still the OW.

[Adunaphel]

Touche, it's nice to see you back!

 

I think I was quite struck when, while discussing a similar subject with a friend of mine, I learnt that his father was abroad a lot, so he saw very little of him during his childhood and until he was already an adult... and he stated that the quantity of time did not mean anything, and his father was the best parent he could imagine.

A few other people I know saw very little of one of their parents, too... but felt very loved by them anyway.

 

Said that, I am very glad that my MM (now separated M) has always been clear about not wanting to move far away from his kids, at least until they get a few years older.

[Full Of Hope]

1. He didn't start a new business. He was part of an acquisition. By taking the job, there was no choice as to where he would live.

2. If I gave the impression he doesn't care about leaving his kids, I apologize. Would it help if I told you that this is the worst situation he's ever been in and how much it tears him up inside? Or that he cries 2 out of 3 times he hangs up the phone with them? Probably not, because y'all are in the business of tearing people down. It's what you live for.

3. I thought this was a place to discuss what it's like to be involved with a married man. I thought it was about me as the other woman. I'm perfectly fine with being attacked by all of you, but I'm not okay with you attacking his love for his children. What I post here are tidbits of our lives...if I discussed every little detail I would need to be logged in 24/7, and I just don't have time for that.

4. This is my last post. I don't have the time to properly argue with all of you...plus, what would be the point? Your posts are unbelievable. I thought it would feel good to discuss every aspect of my situation. I figured my friends were tired of hearing about it. As it turns out, they aren't. They were disheartened when I told them about this website and the things you all are saying.

5. To the other OW's on the site, good luck to you. I know it's not easy being in our situation, and I wish you the best. One thing I have learned from this forum is that I'm not alone, and that's what I'll walk away with. Somehow that makes me feel better...

 

Goodbye.

[jwi71]

1. He didn't start a new business. He was part of an acquisition. By taking the job, there was no choice as to where he would live.

2. If I gave the impression he doesn't care about leaving his kids, I apologize. Would it help if I told you that this is the worst situation he's ever been in and how much it tears him up inside? Or that he cries 2 out of 3 times he hangs up the phone with them? Probably not, because y'all are in the business of tearing people down. It's what you live for.

3. I thought this was a place to discuss what it's like to be involved with a married man. I thought it was about me as the other woman. I'm perfectly fine with being attacked by all of you, but I'm not okay with you attacking his love for his children. What I post here are tidbits of our lives...if I discussed every little detail I would need to be logged in 24/7, and I just don't have time for that.

4. This is my last post. I don't have the time to properly argue with all of you...plus, what would be the point? Your posts are unbelievable. I thought it would feel good to discuss every aspect of my situation. I figured my friends were tired of hearing about it. As it turns out, they aren't. They were disheartened when I told them about this website and the things you all are saying.

5. To the other OW's on the site, good luck to you. I know it's not easy being in our situation, and I wish you the best. One thing I have learned from this forum is that I'm not alone, and that's what I'll walk away with. Somehow that makes me feel better...

 

Goodbye.

 

I know you wont be around to respond but I was having difficulty reconciling these two statements:

MM had the chance to start a new business venture and he took it.

Yet above you say

 

1. He didn't start a new business. He was part of an acquisition.

The first quote comes from your very first post in this thread.

 

I'd love to hear your clarification....

[Touche]

Thanks, Adu!

 

I don't think it's relevant whether he's starting a new business or acquiring one. What's the difference as for as this situation goes?

 

I'm sorry Full Of that you think people were attacking. I didn't see that at all.

 

Your avatar says it all. You're living in a dream world of rainbows and unicorns that one day you'll wake up from. Everyone was just trying to warn you. But your mind is closed and made up. Fine. Some of us have to learn the hard way.

 

And you never did answer my question about whether this is a LEGAL separation (with papers drawn up) or not. That tells me it's not, therefore yes, you ARE an OW.

 

You know, if you can't even handle the "heat" in here, I honestly don't know how you're going to handle what's surely to come your way in this situation. I'm sure everyone will be here to support you though if you ever come back and need support.

 

I'm very happy that your friends are willing to listen and support you in this. How nice for you. But guess what? I'm not buying it for one minute. Nope. Either you're lying about that or you have the most superficial of friendships. No true friend would support you in the self-destructive path you're currently on.

 

Good luck to you though. I do wish you the best.

[OWoman]

1. He didn't start a new business. He was part of an acquisition. By taking the job, there was no choice as to where he would live.

2. If I gave the impression he doesn't care about leaving his kids, I apologize. Would it help if I told you that this is the worst situation he's ever been in and how much it tears him up inside? Or that he cries 2 out of 3 times he hangs up the phone with them? Probably not, because y'all are in the business of tearing people down. It's what you live for.

3. I thought this was a place to discuss what it's like to be involved with a married man. I thought it was about me as the other woman. I'm perfectly fine with being attacked by all of you, but I'm not okay with you attacking his love for his children. What I post here are tidbits of our lives...if I discussed every little detail I would need to be logged in 24/7, and I just don't have time for that.

4. This is my last post. I don't have the time to properly argue with all of you...plus, what would be the point? Your posts are unbelievable. I thought it would feel good to discuss every aspect of my situation. I figured my friends were tired of hearing about it. As it turns out, they aren't. They were disheartened when I told them about this website and the things you all are saying.

5. To the other OW's on the site, good luck to you. I know it's not easy being in our situation, and I wish you the best. One thing I have learned from this forum is that I'm not alone, and that's what I'll walk away with. Somehow that makes me feel better...

 

Goodbye.

 

FoH, some of those who "attacked" you are, or were, OW. Some of which had things work out their way, and so are not posting to "attack", or to tear you down in any way. But exactly because we've been through it all, we can tell the rose-tinted spectacle view from reality, and we're warning you - with your best interests at heart - to look out for yourself, because what we're seeing here is not (yet) the real deal. There is nothing (yet) in this guy's actions to show that he's in it for the long haul. For now, everything he's done to date (or at least, everything you've reported here) has a million different explanations, most of which don't support a view of him leaving his M for a future with you. There are plenty of other stories here where MMs have done the same, or more, and yet never really left (or else, left and returned) so it really is premature to think it's all sewn up for you.

 

If that's an attack, you might want to hire a bodyguard, because you clearly can't tell friend from foe.

 

Good luck. I hope it does all work out for you, but I won't be holding my breath just yet.

[utterer of lies]

I’m happy. He’s happy. Ecstatic might be better verbiage. Either way…life couldn’t be better.

 

 

The pain of shattered hopes is one of the best teachers in the universe. I guess you are about to be enlightened. Congratulations!

[whichwayisup]

Noone attacked you really, harsh words/advice, yes - But most who have responded gave you honest and blunt answers due to their situation and their knowledge.

 

If you choose to stay his OW, then accept your role as just that. Nothing more, nothing less.

[Trimmer]

2. If I gave the impression he doesn't care about leaving his kids, I apologize.

Well, I guess I was kinda led astray by the lead:

This is the perfect scenario....

I’m happy. He’s happy. Ecstatic might be better verbiage. Either way…life couldn’t be better.

* * * * *

Would it help if I told you that this is the worst situation he's ever been in and how much it tears him up inside? Or that he cries 2 out of 3 times he hangs up the phone with them?

Well, at least it makes him seem more human.

 

3. I thought this was a place to discuss what it's like to be involved with a married man. I thought it was about me as the other woman. I'm perfectly fine with being attacked by all of you, but I'm not okay with you attacking his love for his children.

First, why is that any different - he's not reading any of this, is he? And second, I'm not attacking "his love for his children," anyway. I'm trying to understand what would be enough of a motivation for a father of children in their developmental years to leave them. That you tell me he loves them and cries for them and will likely miss them deeply (and possibly feel guilt over that) is a part of the puzzle. And as much as you might like to think that this is the "perfect scenario", these things may well affect you, as the OW.

 

This is my last post. I don't have the time to properly argue with all of you...plus, what would be the point?

You don't think there's a point to hearing other angles on making life-changing decisions?

 

Your posts are unbelievable. I thought it would feel good to discuss every aspect of my situation. I figured my friends were tired of hearing about it. As it turns out, they aren't. They were disheartened when I told them about this website and the things you all are saying.

Are none of them at least warning you to be careful, or do they all think this is the "perfect scenario" too? And are they getting the whole truth, or, like your coworkers, are you going to "...just tweak the story as much as I need to until all versions are in line...slowly break them in..."

 

Goodbye.

see ya...

[Mino]

We are not here to attack, We are a mix on this board, OW/OM and BS. Many of us post here just to get other opinions. Sometimes when we are in our situation, its hard to see everything in front of us, so we throw it on this board and most of the time we get great feedback and support from all. Yes it may be harsh sometimes, but many of us are much further along in the process/ expirence. Therefore we can give each other suport/advice. You know there are so many redfags int these types of R. We dont always want to see them. My mm has a mental condition. Its not something that you can see. He hids it well. We went to doctors, they told us, I still didnt want to beleive it because I couldnt SEE it. When it did start coming through, I still didnt want to see it. Even though I had facts in hand from EXPERTS ! Then after the denial phase wore off, I thought I could fix it. Silly me:o I finally had to reach acceptance. Even though sometimes I recieved hard advice which I didnt want to hear, I must say that when the chips were down< I recieved nothing but love and support on this board from ALL, it was not just the ow/om, but many of the bs, or former BS came to comfort me. If I were you, I would be a bit more open minded, our friends really cant help us but listen, they have not the expirence as our friends do on this board. We look at it from all sides, and we do tend to find some loop holes theat you may oversee. We are not here to hurt you, but merely point out things you may be overlooking. Wishing you the best, Mino

[Mr. Lucky]

4. This is my last post. I don't have the time to properly argue with all of you...plus, what would be the point? Your posts are unbelievable. I thought it would feel good to discuss every aspect of my situation. I figured my friends were tired of hearing about it. As it turns out, they aren't. They were disheartened when I told them about this website and the things you all are saying.

As happens when someone gets pissy about the feedback received here, I always wonder how they can be so sensitive to their own pain and yet so willing to unleash hell on the BS. One OW in another thread said "I've had enough of this crap". And I couldn't help but think "Then how about the sh*tstorm that's about to fall on your MM's wife? They just don't seem to want to connect the dots...

 

Mr. Lucky