Do you deal?

[moimeme]

It is depressing to see so many posts by people that go something along the lines of "we've been together for years, I had no idea there was anything wrong, s/he just left".

 

Is it that people are marrying non-confrontational people? Is it that people, rather than airing grievances and clearing them up, they just stuff them and let resentment build? Do we need to run tests on potential mates to see if they are people who will deal with issues as they come up rather than remain silent?

 

Only today, a poster said:

My husband told my sisters, his sister, his best friend etc. but failed to tell me that he was having problems with our relationship

 

So I'm wondering. When problems arise (arose) in your relationship, do/did you air grievances right away and deal with them or do you prefer to not bring them up?

 

At the beginning of your relationship, did you agree to communicate?

 

Did/do you think you were communicating with your partner well now?

 

If you ever air grievances, do you do that in a fight, in a cooperative discussion to problem-solve, or some other way?

 

If you want to discuss a problem, how does your partner reply?

 

If you are a person who avoids 'conflict', what do you do if problems arise? Do you think you can manage without getting involved in a discussion?

 

My questions apply to those in relationships as well as those who are no longer so.

[lostforwords]

when i was married my hub and i went through so much stuff.... we inflicted upon ourselves ofcourse.... and when the problems couldnt be ignored (so i guess i stuff them) we had to deal with them head on and went to counselling.... however i was one of those people that held onto resentment... and every chance i could i would throw it in his face..... until one day i decided not to care..... and for 2 years i masked the resentment with being active in anything and everything i could... swimming lessons, going to the gym, school functions, etc.. etc... until i made the decision that i was going to self destruct if i didnt do anything about our failing marriage and just end it..... so i did.... i seen the signs years previous..... i chose to ignore them..... now when im in a relationship i find myself being very forthright and honest ..... but i find myself ending relationships i have been in as soon as i see warning signs..... or when theyve taken the "next step" i get scared and run for the hills..... and ill be the first one to admit it too..... i know its not healthy but until im ready to actually be able to love someone back without the fear of getting hurt/wasting years.... ill probably continue doing it that way.....

[bark]

My wife and I are guilty of denial and conflict avoidance. We're both verbal, bright and insightful but we continue to avoid any discussion of our serious marital problems. My wife is in denial and I don't say anything. It's as if we have a conspiracy of silence. I have no defense.

 

About 8 weeks ago I told her I was going to move out. She cried and cried and we agreed to try to work it out. Now, it's as if I never said anything. I suspect the things I tell one and all in these forums I should be telling my wife.

 

Perhaps in a perverse sort of way, LS, by providing an alternative outlet, is part of the problem, and not the solution. In short, I should be talking to my estranged wife, not to strangers on these boards. It's still my responsibility.

 

Very good observation, moimeme.

[moimeme]

I suspect the things I tell one and all in these forums I should be telling my wife.

 

:-(

[EnigmaXOXO]

Thanks Moimeme, for opening up this discussion. It's helped me to reflect on some things I would have otherwise chosen to forget. What a wonderful opportunity to take inventory of where we've been and where we are at in our lives now.

 

Thank you!

 

So I'm wondering. When problems arise (arose) in your relationship, do/did you air grievances right away and deal with them or do you prefer to not bring them up?

 

Ex Husband: I would attempt to resolve issues immediately and resume the role of the habitual “fixer.” I was naïve, and believed there was no problem too big for love to tackle. If I tried hard enough, refused to surrender, I could stomp any problem into the ground. By taking responsibility for the actions of those around me, I mistakenly believed I could maintain a sense of order, eliminate chaos, and subsequently “control” my environment.

 

Current Partner: I have since learned to choose my battles more carefully. I first wait a few days before approaching an issue. I analyze the problem first to make sure I am not over-reacting to a situation because of past experiences or residual fears and insecurities. I think carefully before I speak, rehearsing what I’m going to say and making sure I make no accusations or personal attacks.

 

At the beginning of your relationship, did you agree to communicate?

 

Ex Husband: No. Too young and inexperienced to even realize how important “good communication” was to fostering a healthy relationship.

 

Current Partner: Absolutely. Having learned from the past, I made sure I selected a partner who was capable of open communication and radical honesty. More importantly than being able to express our feelings, my partner and I try to be equally cooperative when it comes to “listening.” We have taught each other how to empathize with how the other may be feeling…putting ourselves into the others shoes, so to speak. This has helped us greatly in becoming less defensive, more self-censored, and extremely sensitive to how our actions and words can result in unnecessary hurt and resentment.

 

Did/do you think you were communicating with your partner well now?

 

Ex Husband: No. Communication felt extremely one-sided. No feedback, no resolve.

 

Current Partner: I’d like to think we are doing well. Then again, all we have to compare our relationship to is our own past experiences with ex-partners. Thankfully, we have so far been able to avoid having to hire a third party mediator to referee…and nothing in the house has been broken.

 

If you ever air grievances, do you do that in a fight, in a cooperative discussion to problem-solve, or some other way?

 

Ex Husband: Never fought. Never argued. Hardly even talked outside of the drug and alcohol abuse councilor’s office. Everyone thought we had the “perfect” marriage. We were great at “keeping up appearances” until the bitter end. I did argue with myself a lot. Unable to communicate at all, ex-husband would avoid any discussion that might lead to conflict. He’d simply grab his beer, walk out of the room and leave me sitting there yelling at myself! On his more cooperative days, he’d just sit there with his arms folded, staring off into space while I ‘discussed’ all of our issues.

 

Current Partner: We had a few heated arguments in the beginning regarding dishonesty, mistrust, and lack of closure on past romantic relationships. A bumpy beginning, but with compromise and hard work, we’ve been able to resolve our more sensitive issues. Now we are able to engage in a more mutually satisfying exchange of ideas and cooperate together as a team towards finding solutions to problems and working on ways to avoid them before they escalate out of control.

 

If you want to discuss a problem, how does your partner reply?

 

Ex Husband: Avoided conflict at all costs. “If you pretend it’s not happening, it’ll just go away.” Another technique was to throw money at a problem and buy your way out of it. Money equals happiness. So, if the wife and kid are unhappy, just send them on a shopping trip and they’ll forget about everything for a few hours.

 

You know Moimeme, till this day I still dislike getting flowers. To me, a dozen roses has come to mean; “I screwed up, but I’m unable to say I’m sorry.” (Man, I really have some issues!)

 

Current Partner: Always welcomes discussion. Will even initiate conversation just to validate that we are still on the same page. Now, here comes the real sappy part:

 

Another skill we have learned together is exercising “damage control.” We end every discussion with a hug and a kiss, and remind each other how lucky we feel to have found each other. The affection and “I love yous” in this house are not only reserved for the bedroom. It’s something I’m still trying hard to get use to!

[moimeme]

Wow, Enigma! Thanks so much for that! Congratulations on managing what sounds like a great relationship now Has he got a brother? LOL . But seriously, that is great. It's so nice to hear about a happy situation!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Unfortunately, he has no brothers. I have a couple of girlfriends I'd like to fix up myself!!... But I ain’t sharin’!

 

You know, I really believe that communication is a two-way street. Even if one partner is great at it, it won't work unless the other is capable of doing the same.

 

No relationship is perfect. It takes HARD work, self control, and constant effort to keep those lines of communication open. You have to think about it all the time in the beginning. But once a couple learns how to do it, and practices it on a daily basis, it really becomes such a habit that it's almost second nature.

 

They should offer a course in healthy communication as a requirement before allowing us to get married and raise families. So many of us don't have good examples in our lives to learn from so we stumble around for many years half blind.

 

Just think of all the broken marriages and unhappy children it would save!

[rainbow]

About 8 weeks ago I told her I was going to move out. She cried and cried and we agreed to try to work it out. Now, it's as if I never said anything.

 

don't know how to pull the quotes yet so excuse me if I did it wrong. but Bark I feel like I am talking to my lover. Let me ask you "Why do you stay??? Why!? and what are both of you doing to "work it out" go back to denial.

 

I am not trying to attack you only understand. You must be able to understand my confusion and complete frustration. I wasn't single. I left. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Guilt anxiety, ambivalence, depression it goes on. but it is a process to a better life. I don't know how old you are but say you've been married for 20 years - you could possibly be married for another 30!

 

What are you scared of? Reputation? You actually care more about what people will think of you than what you think of your own happiness. F____ society. They are not there when you are home alone together.

 

Again, I apologize - it is not directed at you. Sounds like your in the "deadlock" comfort zone.

 

Anyone out there thinking of separation or going through divorce. I highly recommend the book Crazy Time , Surviving Divorce and Building a new Life by Agigail Trafford

 

It made so much sense I read it in about 2 days. Couldn't put it down

 

Best of luck Bark.

[bark]

Well, Rainbow, now you know why I was so connected to your issues. You said a number of things in your posts that struck home. And I had no rebuttal.

 

I'll keep you posted. And stay in touch, ok.

[rainbow]

I will keep you posted. I wish you the best no matter what. It is quite something dealing with a failed marriage. Don't think there is anything like it. But the fact that you recognize it says something about you. You are stronger than you think. You will only take as much as you can, no one can make you make the decision faster. You will know when you've had enough.

 

I've never been pregnant but have always been told by my girlfriends when your pregnant you just know. Lots of times you think your pregnant but when you really are you just now. Man or woman we have something inside of us that "just lets us know when" Kind of stupid analogy to give a man but it's all I could come up with.

 

Have a nice weekend. Getting out of this quiet apartment and going out with some friends !!!

[Thinkalot]

My partner and I deal with things, we talk about things (I probably talk more than he does!). Sometimes we communicate poorly and end up fighting, but over the course of our time together we have been steadily improving our ability to communicate well. And it's helped us through some ups and downs.

My partner's ex wife left him and he thought things had been going well, so some lack of communication there obviously. He and I are certainly a lot more direct than that. I think you need to be, but I have also had to learn, not to pick on everything, be a bit more easy going and let some little stuff just roll!