How can my ex go from adoring me to being so nasty?! (i broke NC.. don't do it)

[Charmaine_Champagne]

my ex ended things with me very cruelly, we were first loves and this guy absolutely adored me. then all of a sudden he turns weird & dumps me out of the blue. i went NC for 5months after he ended it and i was doing ok.

 

BUT..I recently broke NC and we started chatting through texts.. he asked me very casually how i was keeping, i knew deep down he was only checking in with me to see how i was and i know now i shouldn't have broken NC but stupidly i did.. we shared afew jokey texts back and forth and he seemed to still care what i was up to.

 

but i was lonely and missed him & got abit addicted to hearing from him so i began to pursue him more by initiating contact sending him more & more texts. then he turned nasty and told me several times via txt message to leave him alone and go away, he said he didn't want me anymore and wouldn't want to be near me or touch me ever again& said really hurtful crushing things about my looks and my body. i asked him how he could be so nasty after we dated for 6 years and he just told me because he wants me to leave him alone.

 

i really regret that i reached out to him and obviously now i am back to strict NC. but i just don't understand how he can turn like that and be so nasty? this guy dumped me and over the months of NC told me he missed me several times. he did lots of attention seeking things and i didn't bite the bait. then when i tried to be nice to him he told me to leave him alone.

i was with this guy 6 years and we were in love.

 

i know since we broke up he has been out with his male friends at clubs being a player and drinking and i think this new lifestyle (as he was pretty settled with me) has gone to his head and made him cocky. it's like when he is bored and lonely he will tell me he misses me every month or so but then when i reached out to him he got some kind of kick and told me to go away

 

how can he just turn like that? is it some kind of sick power game, like he knows im hurting and weakening and he wants me to run after him? it's like once he heard from me and knew i was still around then he just didn't want to talk anymore and i feel like a fool for answering him.

 

now i'm not wanting to sound arrogant but i am an attractive girl, i keep myself looking good but he has now told me he finds me unattractive- he always found me attractive the 6 years we were together- why would he just be so nasty- just because he can i guess? is it just spite?

 

i was a good girlfriend, always faithful so i don't deserve this. but why is he doing this? does he see me as some kind of doormat. i told him he had really hurt me and he just said he didn't care.. this was my 1st love i was with since i was 17. i just don't understand it. does he get kicks from hurting me? why do exs turn nasty? i wasn't hounding him i was just trying to talk with him in a friendly way.

 

our last conversation through texts i asked him why he was being so cruel and why he got in touch with me in the first place and he just replied "i just asked u something and i heard back from u that is all so bye bye good hearing from you" (this guy is 24 yrs of age)

 

why is he treating me like this? please help!

 

i really hope one day he will realise wat a good girl he lost but right now he just cares about going out getting drunk and sleeping around. i know we were together young and for a long time so maybe he feels he missed out on partying when he was with me but surely he could have told me in a nicer way and he doesn't have to be so cruel

 

obviously without question i'm NC now for good but i just wanna know WHY he turned like this?

 

i'd like ur opinions folks or if u can share any stories that are similar about exs turning nasty- one minute adoring you, the next just cutting you out like u mean nothing. is he mentally ill? does he enjoy hurting me, the thing is he knows that he is doing it

[Exit]

I stopped reading your post when you got to the point of answering your own question. He is being nasty because he wants you to go away. He might not necessarily mean everything he is saying, he is simply trying to shock you so much that you'll leave him alone. For whatever reason, he really doesn't want you around. Either he's with someone else and he doesn't want your messages on his phone, or he just can't face you right now for some other reason. He was fine with the first few casual texts but now that he sees you're trying to stay in contact more often, he is pushing away again.

 

I know what it's like to be treated cold and nasty, you just have to go back to NC. There isn't going to be a miracle where suddenly he changes his mind and is glad to hear from you. You got back in contact for a little while, nothing good came of it, and it's time to keep going on your own.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

yeh, seems he has a new life now out at clubs thinking he is amazing.. atleast i have closure now tho and i know 100% NC is the way to go. just hard to understand how someone who once really loved me can change and just turn so cruel. he was ok with the odd casual text, i should have left it at that but then i felt lonely and i pursued it more and he freaked out and told me several times to go away.

 

i feel like an idiot but atleast i got to say things i needed to vent. i think ur right that there is someone new in his life.. he actually told me i was fake looking and that he liked real girls so i think that was a hint i've been replaced.. funny cuz in the years we were together i was like a trophy that he wanted to show off.. he has really wrecked my confidence. i just wonder if i disappear now for good will he ever wake up one day and feel guilty for the disgusting way he treated me...

 

so learn from my mistakes do not break NC.. unless they are beating ur door down.. i mistook my ex casually checking in with me as him being interested and wanting me back.. and after doing so well 5 months NC i feel like im back to square one after being dumped all over again

 

how can ppl be so cruel? i wouldn't treat any one this way

[Thomas X Forever]

We'd have to have an indepth talk with him to hear his side, to truly know why he is being this way. It's easy for us to assume you did everything right and it's all the dumper who was wrong. LS tends to do this 9/10 times, they assume the dumpee is usually innocent and it's all the dumper.

 

The reason I say this to you, is because there really ISN'T a reason he would do this, unless you did SOMETHING. Not leave him alone, etc. This is assuming he is sane.

 

If he IS insane then, if he is just very screwed up mentally, a laundry list of disorders, then that's why he was randomly cruel. But it's safer without the details on him to assume he was just upset and feeling smothered that you tried to get back with him. He knew if he was nasty, it would push you away, hopefully permanently. (To him).

 

Alas, he really could just be that screwed up. But without knowing his details, I'm led to believe it was because you wouldn't back off.

[boogieboy]

He was cruel to you because he wanted to contact you only on his terms, when he wanted. Once you turned it up, you contacted him at times when he didnt want to hear from you. He never wanted to get back with you, but I cant even hazzard a guess why he would contact you once a month. But when he DOESNT want to hear from you, and you call him, hes going to be mean. Then he will tell you cruel things to stop you from calling him, things like "stop calling me!"

 

Gotta be cruel to be kind. And if he calls you next time, you shouldnt be picking up the phone, or answering texts.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

thinking about it i believe he is just doing it simply because he can.. i was a good girlfriend and he knew i loved him.. i think he just wanted rid of me to go party with his friends and be one of the boys and he is having such a great time at the moment that he doesn't care how i feel and he has become arrogant. he prob feels i was there 6 years and he can pick me up and put me back down again whenever he feels like it

 

tho i just don't get how he can be so cruel after being with me 6 years, i did nothing to deserve this but i have a feeling i've appeared weak to him by telling him that i'm hurting and so he prob knows he can get away with being nasty to me.. me revealing my hurt gave him a sense of power perhaps and its all gone to his head.. and he prob doesn't want me getting clingy and texting all the time cuz it now suits him to not have me around aswell

 

but its so hurtful we were together a long time he could at least be civil to me, he speaks to me like some kind of 14 year old school yard bully

[Thornton]

I imagine he probably contacted you to see if you were ok, because he did spend six years with you after all. Or perhaps he was just nosy and wanted to know what you're up to. Either way, he just wanted to say a quick hi, but you were like a dog with a bone and wouldn't let go... so he turned nasty to get rid of you. You need to leave him alone now and look for someone new.

[Thomas X Forever]

but you were like a dog with a bone and wouldn't let go...

 

 

This is probably the closest to fact, that anyone has said.

 

I like you charmaine from what I have seen, but I'm VERY wary to people who call themselves good bf's/gf's. VERY wary of it.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

the main thing i don't understand is i was NC for 5months once he dumped me, i disappeared from his life completely BUT he kept my phone number all this time, he made contact telling me he missed me several times, that is the bit i don't get.. then when i initiate contact with him he acts like he wishes i was dead.. so why email me a month ago sending me a jpeg photo of myself and telling me how much he missed me???! it's screwed up!

 

a dog with a bone, yep i pushed him away by pursuing way too much

 

yet saying nasty things about my looks, about my body that is just so cruel.. he clearly found me attractive he stayed with me 6 years

 

100% if there is more attention seeking contact from him in the future i am DONE, NC all the way

 

the thing is from what i know of him and i know him well, when life isn't going his way or when his friends leave him and when i keep to my NC he will miss what we had, i was a big part of his life, i believe he will feel guilty for the things he said to me and how he treated me.. eventually

 

?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

do u guys think he got mad because we had been texting minimally/casually and being civil and then i had a go at him and told him he really hurt me i said something like ''u really hurt me the past few months, ul never get another girl like me again and i actually really loved you'' (i don't think that is a really nasty thing to say, its true it's how i feel) but do u think this pissed him off?

 

we had afew nasty exchanges back and forth after that, tho it was mostly him saying the mean things to make me go away, tho i said some nasty things in retaliation after he did first. i know that i should go NC now forever but i'm tempted to send him 1 last msg, something like "what did i do to deserve this?'' or "i didn't deserve this" ..should i send that or just leave it?.. it's how i feel but i think it would b playing into his hands and maybe feeding his ego?.. i keep blaming myself thinking i caused this but texting him too much so i ruined it but he didn't have to be so mean.. should i send that 1 last text?

 

what u guys think?

[Exit]

Again the pattern seems pretty clear to me, like you already know the answer. You were texting casually and it was fine. Then when you brought up a serious topic about how he had hurt you and threatened that he'd never find someone as good, that's when he brought out his attitude.

 

Texting him again would be pointless. At the very least, don't sound as needy and hurt as "I don't deserve this". Play it calm and cool and just say "it's unfortunate that we can't speak to each other without being hurtful" or something like that. But really I don't think communication is going to get you anywhere.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i just sent him an email. i just said this.

 

i don't want you to reply to this, just read it..

i just want to tell you i didn't deserve to be treated like a piece of ****. i did nothing wrong. You didn't have to be so nasty to me

it's sad that you can't speak to me without being rude or hurtful.

oh and i def won't contact you again.

 

deep down i know i shouldn't have sent that, but i'm NC from now on. it's like i kinda got addicted to contacting him again

 

how was that?

 

i'm NC now def

[Thomas X Forever]

That was stupid to contact him at all.

 

Tell me some things. What is his age? What is your age? What is your ethnicity, and what is his? How is his relationship with his parents, and how is yours?

[Exit]

I think you said a bit too much in your email, but it's over with now. Just get back to moving on. If you know you don't deserve this type of treatment then why chase after a person who is treating you this way. You have to stop searching for answers and just accept that yes, this terrible attitude and personality is coming from the exact same person who you once loved.

[Kamille]

Aie! Poor Charmaine!

 

Stop making it about him. STOP! It doesn't matter what he thinks, does, believes. It doesn't matter why he does the things he does. He's your ex. EX EX EX.

 

What matters is what you do, what you think and what you believe about yourself. What matters is that you work on healing your heart. And you can do it. Unbeknowsnt to you, your psyche is already doing all it can to help you heal from this loss. But you need to help yourself. Stop hoping he will one day get back to you. Why would you want to get back together with someone who could 1) leave you so abruptly 2) be so cruel to you?

 

You were a great girlfriend. This means you have a lot of love to give to SOMEONE ELSE who will deserve it.

 

 

 

i mistook my ex casually checking in with me as him being interested and wanting me back.. and after doing so well 5 months NC i feel like im back to square one after being dumped all over again

 

how can ppl be so cruel? i wouldn't treat any one this way

 

Well this could explain in part why he reacted the way he did - although in no way does it justify what he did. He contacted you perhaps hoping you were on the same page when it came to moving on. When he realized you were still hoping for something, he had to get it through to you that things were over.

 

It's over CC. I'm sorry. The sooner you can accept this the better for you. And no, you will never have all the answers as to why things ended and why he acted the way he did. That is something you will have to let go of.

 

The only way I know to move on in spite of having all the answers is to focus on yourself. On making yourself happy. On the things that make you feel at peace and relaxed. In time, the need to solve and resolve the hurt will subdue and then you will see things in a different light. In time, you will be better positioned to understand why you two weren't meant for each other in the long run. And it won't hurt. It will stop hurting. You will learn a lot about yourself from this.

 

do u guys think he got mad because we had been texting minimally/casually and being civil and then i had a go at him and told him he really hurt me i said something like ''u really hurt me the past few months, ul never get another girl like me again and i actually really loved you'' (i don't think that is a really nasty thing to say, its true it's how i feel) but do u think this pissed him off?

 

 

Your ex is not longer responsible for your emotions CC. You are. You have to move on. So I can see why this message would have upset him. And saying he'll never find another girl like you? Well, that can be construed as being bit arrogant. It sounds like you're chastising him, and really CC, you shouldn't have to do that. You are both adults, fully capable of making your own decisions. He chose walk away from what you two had. You have to find a way to accept that CC. So far, your explanations for your break up all somehow belittle him a little. What if, simply, he realized that you two weren't compatible (an assessment you unfortunately do not agree with)?

 

No, he will never find another girl like you, but you know what - and I'm sorry to have to point this out - but he obviously didn't think you were quite as compatible as you believe the two of you were... Or else he would be with you.

 

As to why he took shots at your appearance: it sounds like he went for what he knew might hurt you the most. I think he reacted to the "you will never find another girl like me" comment, telling you you weren't "all that" in the meanest way he could. I know you meant that comment differently. I know from past posts you meant he would never find a girl who is as right for him as you. But again, you have to accept that he doesn't feel this way, or else, he would be with you.

 

What you need to realize is that this in no way diminishes who you are, how beautiful you are and how much love you have to give. This only means that he wasn't the one for you. there is a man out there who will dig everything about you and everything you have to offer. Get better CC, and stop asking your ex to validate you. He can't. And his reaction is his way of telling you he won't.

[Charmaine_Champagne]

kamille, thanks, that is a great post. thank u for all your responses actually

 

ahhhh i could kick myself, i am so mad at what i have done, i'm reading over that last email i sent and i cringe..

 

i have almost put him on a pedestal and fed his ego.. and after doing so well for 5 months NC acting like i didn't care i have now just let him know that still after all this time i haven't moved on.. i feel so stupid.. i thought id get closure, get my say but i actually just made myself look pathetic

 

in reference to afew questions i'm 23 and he is 24 and we are both extremely different people on paper but somehow when i met him we just clicked and i liked him, we are opposites in every way but when i first met him he was a typical bad boy and abit dangerous and i liked that.. then we ended up staying together for years so deep down i know it wasn't meant to be, i will admit that. but i just felt i deserved better than how he treated me at the end after spending so long with him

 

i'm educated and he isn't, i just finished my degree.. he can't hold down a proper job..i do think spite mayb played a part because of that tho and i feel he did perhaps want to ruin things for me. he comes from quite a troubled family also, didn't have a great childhood, and i admit i let him away with bad things he did to me in the relationship because he would make me feel sorry for him.. not that i was an angel tho.

 

i fell so in love with this guy, yeh we were different but i never talked down to him, i loved him.. i hated the guys at my school who just seemed so snobby and uptight, this guy was fun and exciting.. i was 17 when i met him but i guess we grew up and grew apart. tho at 17 the school drop out with no job seemed cool and dangerous, when u get to 23 and he still hasn't really got a job and spends his times on the internet doing god knows what it is a bit of a worry.. so yeh things weren't perfect by any means

 

i just find it hard to comprehend he just forgets me and i was his first love. i always thought even if we didn't marry or whatever i never thought he would completely burn his bridges with me and cut me out, i thought we could always be in each others lives as we did alot of growing up together and were a big part of each others lives.

 

altho im mad at myself, this was what i needed in order to properly move on, because of the cowardly way he ended it back in feb i never got closure so maybe i needed him to tell me to F-off in some kind of sick way maybe i needed him to be nasty so i got the message.

 

i'm NC 100% now, there is no other way. what is done is done, time to try to not obsess so much and focus on me, feel i've reached abit of a crossroads in my life generally in terms of where i'll go next not just because the relationship ended but also now uni is over and what i'm gonna do with my life.. it's gonna be a new chapter.. and sometimes i freak out about that and get upset when i remember my younger days when i didn't have to worry about the future as such and when i had my boyfriend there and we had fun together and didn't have a care in the world.

 

another reason i took the break up so bad was because i saw him as my best friend, we really had so much fun together and so i lost a friend too, someone i valued not just a lover.. and in a way the friendship was more important to me so i will miss that.. and in general i get lonely, it's like an addiction.. not that i'm saying he was just a habit, it was more than that, but someone who was always there and now nothing. its hard to accept that

 

wow, i wrote too much

 

sorry!

[Thornton]

I like my ex as a friend, but I don't want a relationship with him and I feel uncomfortable if he brings up the subject of our past relationship. The fact is, it's over with and I'm not interested any more, I don't want to re-hash our relationship again, and talking about it makes me feel uncomfortable especially because I'm in a new relationship now. I'm happy to chat to him and remain friends, but if he mentions something like the underwear I used to wear or how he feels about our break-up I just back off immediately - I don't want to talk about such things with someone who isn't my boyfriend, regardless of our history, because it feels disrespectful to my current partner.

 

So I imagine maybe your ex left it a while for you to cool down, and then tried to initiate a friendship - maybe he did miss you as a friend, given how long you spent together. But he completely backed off as soon as you began to raise issues with your past relationship which he no longer had any interest in discussing, and you were chasing him and making him feel uncomfortable so he resorted to being nasty to make you go away. If you don't feel you can be friends with him without wanting him back or wanting to discuss your past relationship, you're probably better off staying away from him.

[Kamille]

ahhhh i could kick myself, i am so mad at what i have done, i'm reading over that last email i sent and i cringe..

 

i have almost put him on a pedestal and fed his ego.. and after doing so well for 5 months NC acting like i didn't care i have now just let him know that still after all this time i haven't moved on.. i feel so stupid.. i thought id get closure, get my say but i actually just made myself look pathetic

 

 

The good news is... Who cares what he thinks??? Really Charmaine, who cares???

 

You sure don't have to care, because you're over him.

 

And that last post? You can do so much better then him! No, you two weren't compatible. And as in most of these situations, the lame duck realized it first. You do want more then internet addiction and lack of motivation from a partner and you deserve more.

 

I suggest you sit down right now and make a list of your ideal man. Who do you imagine yourself with in 10 years?

[Charmaine_Champagne]

i've been thinking about this a lot and after posting on here and reading all the great replies i've come to the conclusion that my ex did move on from me in a way, tho he prob wanted to check in with me now and again just to say 'hi how are u' etc (as they do) not so much as a friend but just to keep me in the loop and see what i'm up to on his terms when he felt like it, when he was bored, etc

 

But the problem was i was never going to settle for that, i was always going to ask for answers ''why did u do this me?'' etc, i was always gonna get angry at him and even blow up at him about it.. and he can't face the truth, that he did wrong, he broke up with me in cowardly way so when i started talking about the relationship and how he hurt me and what he did wrong he didn't want to hear it so he was nasty to get rid of me

 

if i ever hear from him again i'm just gonna assume that he is bored and feels like messing with me for kicks so i'm NC.. after we broke up he texted me afew times saying he missed me so that is the confusing bit. but i know now he has moved on but to txt me and say ''i wouldn't want t ever go near you again'' is just too cruel, no matter how much i went on about our past relationship i don't think he needed to be that harsh, but he is an immature guy i guess

[Charmaine_Champagne]

u ask what kinda guy i want to be with in 10 years time. at the moment my confidence is pretty shattered, i couldn't really think of dating someone now im just still hurt. i'm scared to put myself out there again just yet. also im having trouble trusting because of my ex.. i knew him 6 years but yet he just totally turned on me, rather i thought i knew him and looked what he did to me. i know not all men are like that but i've been badly burned by this and it'l take me a while to get over. it hurts tho cuz at the moment i couldn't bare to be with someone new, yet i know my ex has alot of girls on the go and is prob sleeping with them without a thought about me.. despite the length of time we were together it appears to be out of sight out of mind.

 

also when i was 17 i got so involved with my ex and tied down with him, i stopped going out with my friends and was always with him and perhaps we were too young for that. back then my friends were all single and out partying but i chose to stay in with my boyfriend most of the time. now i'm older 23- most of my friends are tied down in relationships and don't want to party and i'm just newly single and yet it seems now at my age is a better time to be in a relationship.

 

plus i always get sentimental and weepy after iv been out drinking, so i don't understand how my ex can just go out and drink with his friends and have a ball without even thinking of me, when i go out to clubs all i do is think of him, i can't enjoy myself, everything reminds me of him, yet he doesn't seem to have that problem and this guy once loved me so much almost obsessively,it's hard to understand how he just switched.. i think maybe he knew we were too different and now we were older it was becoming more obvious so he got out first

 

fact is he did. so im NC now, got to try to move on

[Kamille]

I know the feeling! it feels like the whole universe but you and me is in a relationship right now.

 

You don't need a big social life however. Maybe you could start investing in a hobby? Something you've always wanted to do.

 

Also, sorry I asked the question about your ideal partner when you don't feel ready. I'm just guessing that your ideal partner will be nothing like your ex when you actually do sit down and start thinking about what you want for the long run.

 

And about self-esteem: it's normal for a break up to affect our sense of self. But don't let it get out of hand you hear? If you need help, please seek counselling! It does sound like your life was wrapped up in your ex's life, and this might prove to be a perticular challenge. Basically, you have to learn to think of yourself without him in your life. I know it's scary and a big challenge, but you will learn so much and it will make you so much stronger - you have no idea.

 

But focus on the first step: smile. Tell yourself you're going to be ok. Do one thing that's good for you every day (be it going to the gym, getting a massage, joining a volunteer group, going out with friends, whatever. The point is that it's something that makes you feel good about yourself). Brainstrom ideas of hobbies / activities / things you always wanted to do. Make a list and start going through that list.

 

The other advantage to investing in your hobbies is that it will bring you to meet more people.

 

What you don't realize yet because you are still reeling from the pain is that you're about to come out of your cocoon. The world is yours to discover!