I was married and I never loved her.

[jdg]

Hi Everyone.

Thank you in advance your help. Any thoughts you might share are greatly appreciated.

 

I have been married to my wife for just over 3 years. She is a wonderful woman in every sense of the word and aside from my issues, she is everything that I have ever wanted my wife to be.

 

However, I receive no personal satisfaction from being with her. I do not feel like this woman completes me. We were married under strange circumstances, and at the time I made a decision to marry her because if it didn’t work out, well then at least she no longer had to be worried about being deported (yep, it is a long story) and best case scenario, we fall in love and grow old together.

 

The decision to marry, though while seemingly taken perhaps too casually was not that at all.

 

Fast forward to where we are today, and although she and I get along, respect each other and work well together, there has never been any real chemistry from me. I have tried to accept this as a consequence of my decision, but I was not prepared for the complete lack of satisfaction that I feel.

 

At the same time, I am obviously terrified to be alone and worry that if I decided to part ways with her, that I would be throwing away someone who was great – albeit not my ideal partner.

 

I don’t have misconceptions about finding someone that fits my total mold, or finding the perfect partner. I believe that marriage is hard work and I know it’s not always easy.

 

Please understand that I am not having these fleeting feelings because times are necessarily difficult, but I genuinely lack a strong emotional response from her.

 

I rarely look forward to spending personal free time with her and when we do, the conversation between us is minimal at best. She is a great housewife, but I don’t feel like she is a true friend.

 

Aside from any thoughts you might have, has anyone experienced this same situation? What has the experience been like for you?

 

Again, this is not a case of lost love or anything like, but rather a case of it never really being there in the first place.

 

Thank you.

[runnergirl]

I don't really know what advice to offer, as I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation. I've been married to my husband for over 2 years. He is a great man, good provider, and would make a wonderful father. I do love him deeply and I know that he loves me. However, I also feel a lack of the connection that you are talking about. I feel as though he doesn't know the real me and we have a difficult time communicating and just being together. Always have, if I'm being honest with myself. I know exactly what you mean by the lack of satisfaction. I'm at a point where I'm wondering if this is normal in a marriage, if I should just accept it for what it is (among some other issues that we have). I keep thinking that we both deserve more...

 

Sorry I can't offer more advice, but just know that you are not alone.

[runnergirl]

Do you really feel that you don't love her at all or is just not a passionate kind of love??

[RedDevil66]

this is how I am in my current relationship..........exactly!

 

I have no great advice, but will follow this thread closely

[HappyAgain]

I was in your wife's shoes and for a much longer time. All I can say is that I hate my ex for having wasted my time. I did love him while he didn't love me - we got along but he never felt any real love for me. All I can say is if you are sure, end it before you both waste too many years.

[redtail]

First off, ouch and sorry to hear this. That's not a good situation for either of you and you need to involve your wife in the decision process.

 

It sounds like you did her a favor, and she most likely is aware of this since it was to avoid her deportation, true? If so, then a open, frank conversation with her is in order, I think in a case like this, you'd want to be told, I think the same could be said for her. Maybe her feelings are the same and if it's amicable, a split would be good for you both. I'm assuming you're both young so not a lot to lose at this point.

 

Personally, I think your best course of action is counseling. A marriage counselor that can be told the entire story from both parties might be able to sort this out before it drags on to something more difficult to disentangle.

 

Good Luck!

[jdg]

Im not entirely sure. I care about her and her happiness and I want to take care of her. I do nice things for her because I know its important to do them, but ......I really don't know. I know its not a passionate love - that's for sure.

She asks me all the time if I love her - I always tell her of course I do. But it doesn't sit well with me. I feel strange most of the time saying it.

I am not a closed, fearful of communicating, dislike sharing my feelings type of guy, but most every time I say I love you (to her face when she is looking at me) I feel like its not the truth.

[RedDevil66]

I don't really know what advice to offer, as I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation. I've been married to my husband for over 2 years. He is a great man, good provider, and would make a wonderful father. I do love him deeply and I know that he loves me. However, I also feel a lack of the connection that you are talking about. I feel as though he doesn't know the real me and we have a difficult time communicating and just being together. Always have, if I'm being honest with myself. I know exactly what you mean by the lack of satisfaction. I'm at a point where I'm wondering if this is normal in a marriage, if I should just accept it for what it is (among some other issues that we have). I keep thinking that we both deserve more...

 

Sorry I can't offer more advice, but just know that you are not alone.

 

I feel like I just wrote this.........I feel less alone. I actually thought I was going nuts!

[Sam Spade]

I don't think this is such a bad situation to be in or too upset about (and I'm intrigued that so many people could relate). Mutual respect, attraction, and getting along is really all I am expecting from a relationship. Everything else is gravy. Really, what you describe is not such a horrendous aberration and nothing to be quilty about: merging the concepts of romantic love and marriage together is quite recent phenomenon which didn't exist for the most of human history. But, just as it is possible to have a happy romantic relationship without marriage, it is possible to have a happy marriage without romantic love . I'm not saying it's an ideal situation, but let's not confuse the two, and more importantly - it's not the end of the world .

[jdg]

Do you really feel that you don't love her at all or is just not a passionate kind of love??

 

Im not entirely sure. I care about her and her happiness and I want to take care of her. I do nice things for her because I know its important to do them, but ......I really don't know. I know its not a passionate love - that's for sure.

 

She asks me all the time if I love her - I always tell her of course I do. But it doesn't sit well with me. I feel strange most of the time saying it.

 

I am not a closed, fearful of communicating, dislike sharing my feelings type of guy, but most every time I say I love you (to her face when she is looking at me) I feel like its not the truth.

[jdg]

I have two questions:

 

1) Have you ever cheated on her? (this include emotionally).

 

2) What is your and her ethnicity? Any language or cultural barriers?

 

 

Nope, I have never physically nor emotionally cheated on her.

 

I am a WASP and she is Russian. No language barriers either, although there can be some difficult cultural differences.

In fact, the reason I am here is because she is so adamant about having a child at the present time. I am 30 and she is 29. By her standards, we should either have had a child or should have one now.

[jdg]

I don't think this is such a bad situation to be in or too upset about (and I'm intrigued that so many people could relate). Mutual respect, attraction, and getting along is really all I am expecting from a relationship. Everything else is gravy. Really, what you describe is not such a horrendous aberration and nothing to be quilty about: merging the concepts of romantic love and marriage together is quite recent phenomenon which didn't exist for the most of human history. But, just as it is possible to have a happy romantic relationship without marriage, it is possible to have a happy marriage without romantic love . I'm not saying it's an ideal situation, but let's not confuse the two, and more importantly - it's not the end of the world .

 

I agree. It is a strange thought. You think of how many millions and millions of people who have been married throughout time before us and until I found myself in this situation, I would have probably considered this a successful marriage.

 

Perhaps it is a testament to the evolution of our minds.

I think that maybe it is. I also think that it deserves some thought though.

 

How about you other people that are experiencing this same thing......are you really happy? What impact will this have on your life?

[Jilly Bean]

OP - I have to say, I truly believe that people marry for many different reasons.

 

It isn't always because of all-consuming passion.

 

Sometimes it's for financial security, companionship, friendship...

 

And many people make marriages last forever based on just these qualities.

 

Only you can answer if this will be sufficient, or if you want to abandon it for something that may be potentially elusive.

[russelA]

truly what you've said that marriage is a work to be done, there are no perfect partners in this world but you have to learn to love the woman you're with right now. there are circumstances that when a person around you who loves you and accepts you for who you are will be gone, that's the time that you will think that you really did love her too. don't wait for that time to come. if you felt like your not complete with her, try to have a vacation for how long you want away from her. then, examine what your heart really wants. that would be best in my opinion. good luck and have faith always!

[D-Lish]

I have been married to my wife for just over 3 years. She is a wonderful woman in every sense of the word and aside from my issues, she is everything that I have ever wanted my wife to be.

 

I rarely look forward to spending personal free time with her and when we do, the conversation between us is minimal at best. She is a great housewife, but I don’t feel like she is a true friend.

 

 

Nice, that's classy.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hi Everyone.

Thank you in advance your help. Any thoughts you might share are greatly appreciated.

 

I have been married to my wife for just over 3 years. She is a wonderful woman in every sense of the word and aside from my issues, she is everything that I have ever wanted my wife to be.

 

However, I receive no personal satisfaction from being with her. I do not feel like this woman completes me. We were married under strange circumstances, and at the time I made a decision to marry her because if it didn’t work out, well then at least she no longer had to be worried about being deported (yep, it is a long story) and best case scenario, we fall in love and grow old together.

 

The decision to marry, though while seemingly taken perhaps too casually was not that at all.

 

Fast forward to where we are today, and although she and I get along, respect each other and work well together, there has never been any real chemistry from me. I have tried to accept this as a consequence of my decision, but I was not prepared for the complete lack of satisfaction that I feel.

 

At the same time, I am obviously terrified to be alone and worry that if I decided to part ways with her, that I would be throwing away someone who was great – albeit not my ideal partner.

 

I don’t have misconceptions about finding someone that fits my total mold, or finding the perfect partner. I believe that marriage is hard work and I know it’s not always easy.

 

Please understand that I am not having these fleeting feelings because times are necessarily difficult, but I genuinely lack a strong emotional response from her.

 

I rarely look forward to spending personal free time with her and when we do, the conversation between us is minimal at best. She is a great housewife, but I don’t feel like she is a true friend.

 

Aside from any thoughts you might have, has anyone experienced this same situation? What has the experience been like for you?

 

Again, this is not a case of lost love or anything like, but rather a case of it never really being there in the first place.

 

Thank you.

 

Make no mistake, you could re-fall in love with her but if you always have one foot outta your marriage you'll never save it, and if you have no desire to save it, then end it. be a man and end it! do yourself and her a favor and end it!

[Thornton]

I am also interested to know the circumstances surrounding your marriage. I assume you married her to prevent her being deported, because you cared about her as a friend but didn't love her? And you hoped that love would grow over time but it didn't? Now you feel guilty because you don't love her and aren't fulfilled by the marriage, but at the same time you're scared to divorce her in case you don't meet someone better who does make you feel fulfilled - i.e. she's better than nothing. Perhaps in some superficial ways like looks, education, or whatever she is what you wanted in a wife, but there's something deeper that's still missing...

 

The bottom line is, you can't stay with someone just because you're afraid to be alone. If she doesn't fulfil you then you need to let her go, so she can find someone who loves her and you can find someone who fulfils you.

[Sam Spade]

A friend of mine came up with a saying that's not as dumb as it sounds:

 

"People often get married for the wrong reasons, but then they often stay married for the right reasons".

 

So, if she is the nice decent woman you describe, why the hell can't you just love her and live happily ever after ? Nobody but yourself can fulfill you, so chances are looking for somebody else will be either futile or not worth it.

[D-Lish]

A friend of mine came up with a saying that's not as dumb as it sounds:

 

"People often get married for the wrong reasons, but then they often stay married for the right reasons".

 

I think the opposite is true. People get married for the right reasons and stay married for the wrong reasons.

[whichwayisup]

Two words. DIVORCE HER.

 

She deserves to be with a man who is going to love and adore her. Staying married to her is just wasting her time and yours.

[reddog63]

WTF then why the F*** did you marry her???

 

Couldnt you be a man and stand on your own two and make your own decisions one that your happy with.

 

And make no mistake, you could re-fall in love with her but if you always have one foot outta your marriage you'll never save it, and if you have no desire to save it, then end it. be a F-ing man and end it! do yourself and her a favor and end the selfishness and end it!

 

This "be a man stuff" comes across to me as bull hockey. He is trying to address it and seek some advice. Maybe he is not as good of a "man" as you?

[Sam Spade]

I think the opposite is true. People get married for the right reasons and stay married for the wrong reasons.

 

Nice . But, there are NO right reasons to get married

[Sam Spade]

This "be a man stuff" comes across to me as bull hockey. He is trying to address it and seek some advice. Maybe he is not as good of a "man" as you?

 

 

As somebody who personally subscribed to (and lived by) the traditional images of masculinity for the longest time, I agree (with you). So much of that is bullcrap.

As far as the new me is concerned, reflecting over one's doubts/feelings etc. and making an informed decision is a lot more manly than "sucking it up" and "doing the right thing" .

 

On e more general note, I don't understand how masculinity came to be defined in relationship to women. The most masculine things have nothing to do with women. Do you think all the great explorers that discovered the world over the centuries gave a crap about women? Do you think that the Columbus, Cook, Magellan etc. and their sailors gave a crap about women ?

[RedDevil66]

This "be a man stuff" comes across to me as bull hockey. He is trying to address it and seek some advice. Maybe he is not as good of a "man" as you?

 

Agreed, the poster is honest and really trying to sort out his feelings

Then comes along some bitter poster who spews out a few mean things.

 

In my eyes, this guy is a man. Men have feelings and men need to deal with issues just like a woman

If this poster was a woman, who this guy yell out "Be a woman and leave"

 

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[overseas2004]

This is so much like my situation that it is scary. In fact when I read it, i thought, this may be my husband writing, except that he doesnt write English so well. hehehe. Anyway, I met my husband in Eastern Europe when I was on a work trip and being from Eastern Europe myself it was what I wanted.... My biological clock was ticking and he wanted to leave Serbia.

 

The funny twist in our situation is that we actually did fall in love when after we got married (or in lust). But when my daughter was born and the responsibilities started stacking up, I had a hard time making him live up to them.

 

He still doesnt have a job, after being here for three years. He likes to sit around and jerk around with teh computer most of the day. When we go to the park with our daughter or out somewhere, he just lets me play with her and he sits on a swing or a bench, staring off into space. I had a hard time getting him to even eat dinner with us. We dont have sex....

 

Well any way this is about you, not me. This is what I say. True love is hard to find and probably only about 10 percent of people are happy, but it is necessary for the foundations of a good marriage. Communication is important. Chemistry is important. But here is my big BUT. They are important in the beggining. After years together, that just fades and what should remain is a strong friendship. If you get the love on top of that, the romantic love than that is whip cream on top.

 

And finally it is one life and you should strive for the whip cream. Hope it helps. If you need to vent, and lord knows I do, my email is [email protected].