RedDevil66 Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Overseas, is it a possibility your hubby is suffering from depression? And I agree with you but would change the % to maybe 5% of people are truly happy in their relationships. That stat alone makes me stay in my unhappy relationship thinking, why leave, the next relationship will turn out the same. I'm in my 4th long term relationship and they have all been the same. Everyone I Know, as in my friends, is divorced or cheating. The people I know who stayed married are SO SO SO unhappy! Makes you wonder......... Link to post Share on other sites
mavislwf Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Stop wasting her time and yours. I have been married in the SAME situation (except the deportation thingie) and wish I would have ended it long ago, before kids came along. Link to post Share on other sites
Hotchocolate Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 You both sound young and relatively unattached, without kids. Do something now before kids come into the picture because then you're really stuck and your kids will have to come first. I have to say that after 13 years of being married to a very pleasant, loyal, man, I am starved for emotional connection and desperate for that chemistry - -that "stink" that is essential in keeping the marital machine lubed for the long whole. I think it's impossible to know when we get married if this person is forever -- we just try our best based on the limited information we have. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 This "be a man stuff" comes across to me as bull hockey. He is trying to address it and seek some advice. Maybe he is not as good of a "man" as you? Okay first let me tell you... Marriage is for better or worse. For life.... If you hear these words ring in your damn head from day one, have no illusions that life is long... If your not willing to be married to someone, one person for the rest of YOUR life then your not ready to be married. No one wants to be married to a man or woman who is unsure of their marriage to begin with. Next he had a choice to be alone or be with this woman. next he says by his own words might I add that he was presumably forced into this marriage with this woman. Whether she was pregnant with his child, or his parents or hers forced his hand. He always had a choice... no one put a gun to his head and forced him to do it. lol. Also I'm not bitter just mad that he said he had the choice and is now second guessing it. Sounds to me he never wanted to be married. that isnt right, nor is it fair. this woman probably never had a true marriage because your still withholding your true feelings on whether you stay or go. Your gonna have one foot out, like the grass is always greener, your never gonna be truly invested in your marriage. The family that you created will never have had the chance to grow. All because he couldn't man the hell up and be real. And yet people are getting mad at me for pointing this out!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Shandy Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I have a similar problem except I'm the girl, thinking of staying with a guy I care deeply for, but don't love. He treats me so well, cooks for me, attentive to my needs, and is all about me when it comes to sex. I read these horrible marriage stories on here and am thankful I don't have these problems. Thinking about the problems that can come up with someone else is the reason why I'm so afraid to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Okay first let me tell you... Marriage is for better or worse. For life.... If you hear these words ring in your damn head from day one, have no illusions that life is long... If your not willing to be married to someone, one person for the rest of YOUR life then your not ready to be married. No one wants to be married to a man or woman who is unsure of their marriage to begin with. Next he had a choice to be alone or be with this woman. next he says by his own words might I add that he was presumably forced into this marriage with this woman. Whether she was pregnant with his child, or his parents or hers forced his hand. He always had a choice... no one put a gun to his head and forced him to do it. lol. Also I'm not bitter just mad that he said he had the choice and is now second guessing it. Sounds to me he never wanted to be married. that isnt right, nor is it fair. this woman probably never had a true marriage because your still withholding your true feelings on whether you stay or go. Your gonna have one foot out, like the grass is always greener, your never gonna be truly invested in your marriage. The family that you created will never have had the chance to grow. All because he couldn't man the hell up and be real. And yet people are getting mad at me for pointing this out!!! Screw ya! Who is getting mad? I am just expressing my opinion. You sound like you have an ax to grind with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 Who is getting mad? I am just expressing my opinion. You sound like you have an ax to grind with someone. Nope, no ax in my hands here, just trying to get my point across.. trust me y'all havent met gunny yet! lol. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 28, 2009 Share Posted July 28, 2009 I agree with Chrome. Sure, people change and things occur and divorces happen. But it really seems to me that a lot of couples divorce because one or the other wasnt ready for commitment or had serious doubts going in. It isnt enough to love your partner, you have to be ready to make the better or worse commitment with all your heart. Thats what gets you through the tough stuff that comes up in EVERY marriage, every life. As to the OP - divorce. Yes, your wife will be hurt. There will be crisis, she will learn from it, and she will move forward. Humans are like that, thats what life is. For her, it will be an even easier and more fulfilling lesson because she will soon have a life unburdened by negativity and insecurity. She will wake up. Eventually, she will find true love and it will be reciprocated and she will look back and say: I Dodged a Bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Ivette Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 IF she didnt do diddly squat for you, would you still love her? yes - then you love her for who she is no - you love the way she makes you feel safe, and your life more convenient, because you have convinced yourself she owes it to you ANYWAYS since to great favor you did, by marrying her. Link to post Share on other sites
Skump Posted July 31, 2009 Share Posted July 31, 2009 Love is a verb. To a large extent, it's a choice you make and an activity you undertake. You attune yourself to a person's excellent and sexy qualities - which are almost always are there - ignore the less appealing qualities, and throw yourself enthusiastically into a relationship. This is what people who are avowedly in love actually do. It's what really keeps them in love while they're in love. The trouble is that most people only make the choice to behave this way sub-consciously after the onset of an initial, largely irrational, feeling of animal attraction that has little to do with long-term love. Thus, most people think being in love is something totally mystical and utterly beyond human control because they don't have real self-understanding. The animal f*ck-urge subsides a bit, they stop loving aggressively and whaddya know, they fall out of love. Want sexual chemistry? Go sexually nuts. Dress your wife like a school girl, tie her to a bedpost and screw her senseless. Want emotional intimacy? Ball your eyes out to her about your worst fears. You want passion? You want love? CREATE IT! Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 OP - I have to say, I truly believe that people marry for many different reasons. It isn't always because of all-consuming passion. Sometimes it's for financial security, companionship, friendship... And many people make marriages last forever based on just these qualities. Only you can answer if this will be sufficient, or if you want to abandon it for something that may be potentially elusive. I keep asking myself this question. Sometimes such questioning is not the product of *actual* unhappiness, but the product of restlessness that has nothing to do with the other person. I don't advocate avoiding any sorts of risks, but it will probably be a mistake if you abandon the marriage without a clear idea wheere are you going and what you want to become... The best relationship advice I've ever got is - "If you're not sure what to do - do nothing" . And this is not as dumb as it sounds. Examine your feelings, and who knows, you may find that you've loved her all along Here is an interesting discussion about whether and how love can develop without an initial boom: http://ask.metafilter.com/105105/Can-love-without-infatuation-still-be-real-love (and the answer is ana resounding "Yes"). Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 Love is a verb. To a large extent, it's a choice you make and an activity you undertake. You attune yourself to a person's excellent and sexy qualities - which are almost always are there - ignore the less appealing qualities, and throw yourself enthusiastically into a relationship. This is what people who are avowedly in love actually do. It's what really keeps them in love while they're in love. The trouble is that most people only make the choice to behave this way sub-consciously after the onset of an initial, largely irrational, feeling of animal attraction that has little to do with long-term love. Thus, most people think being in love is something totally mystical and utterly beyond human control because they don't have real self-understanding. The animal f*ck-urge subsides a bit, they stop loving aggressively and whaddya know, they fall out of love. Want sexual chemistry? Go sexually nuts. Dress your wife like a school girl, tie her to a bedpost and screw her senseless. Want emotional intimacy? Ball your eyes out to her about your worst fears. You want passion? You want love? CREATE IT! This is a hall of famer, especiallly the last paragraph . Link to post Share on other sites
marriage Posted August 4, 2009 Share Posted August 4, 2009 I also feel a lack of the connection that you are talking about. I feel as though he doesn't know the real me and we have a difficult time communicating and just being together. Always have, if I'm being honest with myself. I know exactly what you mean by the lack of satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Love is a verb. To a large extent, it's a choice you make and an activity you undertake. You attune yourself to a person's excellent and sexy qualities - which are almost always are there - ignore the less appealing qualities, and throw yourself enthusiastically into a relationship. This is what people who are avowedly in love actually do. It's what really keeps them in love while they're in love. The trouble is that most people only make the choice to behave this way sub-consciously after the onset of an initial, largely irrational, feeling of animal attraction that has little to do with long-term love. Thus, most people think being in love is something totally mystical and utterly beyond human control because they don't have real self-understanding. The animal f*ck-urge subsides a bit, they stop loving aggressively and whaddya know, they fall out of love. Want sexual chemistry? Go sexually nuts. Dress your wife like a school girl, tie her to a bedpost and screw her senseless. Want emotional intimacy? Ball your eyes out to her about your worst fears. You want passion? You want love? CREATE IT! I read through this whole post and this is EXACTLY true! People complain and say "oh I don't feel that spark anymore" or "I fell out of love" blah blah blah. Well here's a wake up call, love is hard work! It's not like you just continue on with life and it happens. No it takes work to keep love alive. I'm only 19 and even I know this. Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I read through this whole post and this is EXACTLY true! People complain and say "oh I don't feel that spark anymore" or "I fell out of love" blah blah blah. Well here's a wake up call, love is hard work! It's not like you just continue on with life and it happens. No it takes work to keep love alive. I'm only 19 and even I know this. Ok......come back after being married a decade, throw some kids in mix, have your needs go unmet, quarrel and bicker, throw in some poor communication, maybe a touch of lack of sex, etc...........in other words, actually go through this and be the one in the realationship to loose your feelings for your spouse...........and then "work" on it and make it survive.........then you will really KNOW this. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 The 19 year old poster is simply pointing out the same thing that couples with 50 years of marriage experience know, and knew going in. It is more delusional to be surprised by the ebbs and flows of marriage and the crisis that is mid life. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 If you don't love her than leave. You are lying to the both of you and chances are you will probably be walking away before she gets the chance to drop the bomb on you anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Ok......come back after being married a decade, throw some kids in mix, have your needs go unmet, quarrel and bicker, throw in some poor communication, maybe a touch of lack of sex, etc...........in other words, actually go through this and be the one in the realationship to loose your feelings for your spouse...........and then "work" on it and make it survive.........then you will really KNOW this. That's why it takes hard work to stay in love. Unlike most people on this planet I'm not delusional. A good marriage takes hard work to maintain. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Funny but apparently someone flagged my posts to tony where I told them to man the F up and be a man, because obviously it is a form of denigration. Wow. some people just dont wanna hear the truth! Link to post Share on other sites
True2form Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Yeah but Chrome, I have to say I've noticed you're one of the worst offenders for marching in and delivering pretty harsh criticism...yes, like I've said before in other threads, sometimes it needs to be said, but you have to be a little more tactile with people going through a hard time. Announcing to people what an idiot they are (EDIT: Sorry I have no proof wahtsoever you ever said that, but implying it with a "man the F up and be a man" I'm sure I have seen this written a few times by you...) is ridiculous. People rarely need to hear that when they're in a really tough emotional stew. It's not hearing the truth as you claim, it's hearing YOUR opinion. I suppose you could argue your truthful opinion...Anyway! It's still a little unecessary...not necessarily for the fact that people get offended, I mean, people can get offended by tofu if they feel like it, but you're just inspiring that stubborn backlash from people so instead of taking your comments on board and doing something about it, they just get really angry at you for being so harsh... Chrome is cold and Barracudas are scary with lots of teeth. It's good to see you living up to your name but really... come on, man. And look hey, you're not the only one and not by any means the worst. But you have a lot of posts and some serious influence here. Some sympathetic and wise advice from you would be like water to a man in a desert. Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 That's why it takes hard work to stay in love. Unlike most people on this planet I'm not delusional. A good marriage takes hard work to maintain. Sorry, but at age 19 you have no real experience, just an ideal of what marriage should be. I have been married longer then you have been alive. Now if marriages nowadays followed that ideal where they are suppose to put their spouse first, love and respect, show affection, and all what goes with it, then sure.....people should be able to get thru the high and lows. But what I often see too often is one partner's needs ignored for years and years. And I believe more often then not, the needs have been communicated as opposed to blindsided. So, what I am trying to say.............when one person gets to the point of wanting to leave, most of the time they already put in a lot of hard work. You make it sounds like a walkaway spouse leaves on a whim. Link to post Share on other sites
SansSouci Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Agreed RD, also it totally depends on the initial problem anyway. If the couple are were once very much in love and are now experiencing difficulties - they can work towrd getting back to those feeling they once had - reconnecting. However - it seems in this case the OP has had doubts from the off - completely respecting and caring for his wife - but maybe more as a friend than a lover - or maybe just not loving her like he knows he should love a wife. SO - therefore - I dont think that the response of 'People give up too easy nowadays' and 'Marriage is hard work' fits here - he knows that - he just is wondering if he has married for the wrong reason/s... Link to post Share on other sites
JayJ Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Depends what kind of love you're talking about. Romantic love never lasts so if after three years of marriage you are still expecting that then you are headed for trouble. If you care a lot about the person but are not interested sexually or don't have a lot of intimacy, as long as the other person is Ok with it you can have a good marriage. It's hard enough to find someone you can stand to live with for 30 years much less have love on top of that. 70% of marriages are unhappy and 50% end in divorce so keep that in mind. Don't expect too much. Link to post Share on other sites
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