Lost in Translation

[DustySaltus]

Am I blinded by love or unwilling to accept reality?

This is a repost, didn't get enough feedback on the previous one:

 

Got a story to tell....

 

About ten years ago I met my ex fiance at a summer camp in NY. She is Israeli and I am American. We had a summer fling but she was my first love...I went away to school, she went back to Israel.....fast forward 8 years. I was on facebook one day and saw her as a "recommended friend" so I added her and we started having casual conversations for a few months, which led to phone calls and eventually me deciding that I wanted to visit there. At first it was for about 10 days, just to see the country and see her for a day or two. Well, I wound up staying at her place for about 3 weeks. About 4 days into the visit we got into a huge fight when she overheard me on the phone telling my friend that I was missing home a little bit....she told me that the entire thing was a mistake and told me to leave. Went to the airport, AT THE GATE....call her to say goodbye for good, she tells me NOT to gte on the plane. 2 hours and 400 angry passengers later, I hop in a cab back to the house. For the rest of the vacation everything was EXCELLENT and we addressed everything. She then came to NY for a month.......

 

One again everything was great for the first few days...but she started to check my phone and questioned me about who female colleagues were...she walked out on me in the middle of dinner because of this. At this point I told her to pack her stuff and leave, I've had enough. She looked at me and told me....."You will be my Husband"...I just laughed and looked at her like she was crazy. We fot home, she started packing and once I heard that last zip of the bag, something came over me and I told her that I wanted her to stay. From that moment forward the rest of the trip was excellent..I mean she is a great woman, beautiful, smart and hilarious. The highs were the highest I ever had and the lows were the lowest.

 

We went back and forth to visit each other a few times until the decision was made that I would move to Israel for various reasons that made sense with her at the time, but i can't really talk about. I was all set to quit my job, but in this economy and our turbulent history I decided to take a Leave of Absence instead, just in case something happened. We had an agreement that in one year if I was offered my dream job in America, we would consider moving back...more on this later.

 

So I moved to Israel, went through the entire process of obtaining citizenship and the whole nine yards. Started looking for work over there and that was a job in its self, plus the salaries are not comparable to the US. It kind of had me down, because I wanted to be the MAN and contribute, but without knowing the language right away my immediate options were limited. In the meanwhile things with us were great, we really got to know each other a lot better and would stop disagreements right away before the escalated. We really learned from our mistakes. Then I received a call from that job a lot earlier than expected, they needed me in NY in one week. At this point she became different and told me that she didn't see herself moving in the next year if at all. I was devastated...I need to choose between a career and the woman of my dreams. I needed to make this decision in the next few days.

 

Well, as it turns out she was checking my emails for a few weeks. She knew I hadn't quit my job and read emails to my mother saying that I was "thinking" (again, keyword "thinking") about maybe coming back. However, I was still in Israel trying to fight my way through things and breakthrough that initial culture shock. I asked her how she knew my password and she said that my computer was open. So when she left for work I sent an email to my friend on purpose saying..."im coming back tomorrrow:...well about an hour later she came back from work and told me to pack up and leave. She took my key, told me she never wanted to speak with me again and told me that she would send emails to both my job and dream job to tell them what kind of person I "really was". And I was just about to call my job and quit for good and put an end to any questions.

 

Well, at that point I just got back on a plane to america. It turns out that she did send an email to my boss trying to get me fired. She won't give me the ring back and lied about sending it back in the mail a few times but the "address was wrong". She also told me that she was seeing someone else that treated her better than I ever did (and that was one week after I left..does this guy exist?!?!).

 

I've been back for a few weeks now and am trying to figure out if this is really the end, considering all that has occured. Love is illogical sometimes and I know I should probably just move on, but at the same time I have no doubt that she was the love of my life. What should I do?

[hoping2heal]

Wow. I'm sorry, but when I read this towards the end all I could think was "what a bleeping wench". Sending emails to intentionally get you fired? That just crosses way too many lines. People get mad at eachother, they might even say hurtful things to one another. BUT doing an action to intentionally cause serious harm to another person, that's when the line is just crossed. I'm appaulled. I think from the sounds of it, this is no dream girl whatsoever. If it were my bf, he wouldn't need to choose between me and his dream job, I'd be willing to compromise and move. I couldn't imagine taking away something so important from him.

 

She just, I don't know. She just crosses way too many lines for me.

[Island Girl]

In reading your post I am shocked that both of you behave the way you do. The problems seem to get increasingly worse as the story goes along. It really sounds terrible and completely dysfunctional on both sides.

 

She is impulsive and immature in her reactions to things but you know this and would still go to lengths (impulsive and immature as well) to provoke her.

 

Neither one of you seem to communicate with each other - let alone effectively.

 

BOTH of you have made decisions throughout that have monumental impact on trust and security.

One of these would cause significant problems that in most cases would be insurmountable. And there are SO MANY here!

 

I think each of you has a lot to learn about how to be in a relationship.

And I don't think the two of you need to browbeat this relationship anymore during the course your education.

 

I'd consider it a mix of oil and water - which DON'T mix - and move on.

[StarChick]

I gotta agree with IG, here.

 

You were/are addicted to the "highs" of the relationship and it sounds like you both loved the drama. (Hey, making up is good, right?)

 

But, you know something? Love isn't that dramatic. It really isn't. It's nothing like they portray in movies. All the fighting and the back and forth and moving around and....gah, it makes me crazy just thinking about it.

 

I think you were smart to leave and you were both smart to break up with each other. Not a good mix.

[DustySaltus]

The only thing I could've done that can be construed as immature is when I sent that email on purpose to see if she was checking my emails the entire time. The trust issues just wouldn't go away, but I always wanted to try and make them go away. It was a constant thing for her, it wasn't like "hey, we have 5 issues that needs to be resolved and once they are resolved we'll be ok". She was checking my emails when things were GREAT. I wasn't trying to play games with her, I laid everything out:

 

I would be there for a year and put off the job (which i could) for that amount of time...or longer depending on how I acclimated over there. Then I proposed to her, get over there and she changes her mind...after she was so excited about my career and moving. She was digging for something to give her an excuse to say.."i caught you, now stay here or it's over". But that didn't even happen, I was just kicked out just like that. No communication at all, I tried but to no avail....and it's my fault?

[Maggs]

I agree with IG as well.

 

Tried to post a reply yesterday but my account wouldn't work.

 

She's extremely immature with her actions. She's a drama queen. She seems to have this false idea of what a relationship should be. Like she's watched too many soap operas! If you want this to work, you need to seriously put your foot down about her behaviour. If I acted like this, my fiance not only wouldn't have proposed, but he would have kicked me to the curb a long time ago.

 

I foresee that this will not turn out well if she continues to behave in this way. I'm sorry to say!

 

But welcome to the board. And I hope you'll take all of our advice with an open mind.

[Thaddeus]

She's extremely immature with her actions. She's a drama queen. She seems to have this false idea of what a relationship should be. Like she's watched too many soap operas!

Truer words have rarely been spoken (or written).

 

It's also very, very common for people to have a skewed sense of what a relationship is and how it actually works. Even those who are proud of their "free-thinker" status are still influenced by media/movie/book portrayals of relationships. It doesn't make them - the so-called "free-thinkers" - weak in the head or anything, it's just that we're inundated with fairytale notions of romance that have little to do with the actual reality.

 

DS, you're better off without this drama and bizarre expectations in your life. But you already know that.

[Maggs]

Truer words have rarely been spoken (or written).

 

It's also very, very common for people to have a skewed sense of what a relationship is and how it actually works. Even those who are proud of their "free-thinker" status are still influenced by media/movie/book portrayals of relationships. It doesn't make them - the so-called "free-thinkers" - weak in the head or anything, it's just that we're inundated with fairytale notions of romance that have little to do with the actual reality.

 

DS, you're better off without this drama and bizarre expectations in your life. But you already know that.

 

Yes exactly Thaddeus! And I will be the first to admit that 10 yrs ago, I had a fairytale view of what a relationship should be like too. I never went to the lengths your girlfriend has, but yes I did do some stupid things. But I was a teenager then and after a few relationships, I grew up into the real world.

[DustySaltus]

I really appreciate all the input...my biggest question is why did she kick me out so fast and in the span of two days we went from getting married to threats and never wanting to see me again? After SHE checked my emails.

[Island Girl]

I really appreciate all the input...my biggest question is why did she kick me out so fast and in the span of two days we went from getting married to threats and never wanting to see me again? After SHE checked my emails.

 

I'm sorry but beginning things with a lie - that you took a Leave of Absence instead of quitting altogether and did NOT tell her - was not the way to start off things.

That was immature to be sure. It shows you had reservations from the beginning. And you didn't discuss this with her and let her know that you are trying to work through trust issues because of things in the past like - kicking you out while you were there vacationing.

 

Keeping an entire plane and 400 other people delayed for two hours while you tried to decide if you should leave or not was inconsiderate and immature as well.

You could have let the plane go, taken a later flight - even if it was a couple of days, and worked out your relationship issues on your own time instead.

 

So you go there and go through getting citizenship, etc. which is a huge process yet you had these concerns about the relationship not working out. --- Why did you do all that? Under the circumstances (being on a Leave of Absence) and wanting to come back to America anyway (dream job, etc.) why didn't you wait to see how things went?

Did you expat yourself?

 

 

She was checking your e-mails, which was wrong, but it is due to the lies and shadiness she found out while snooping that flipped her lid.

She kicked you out so fast because she is immature and unbalanced. Her emotions swing like a pendulum from happiness to extreme anger/frustration. She has no way to moderate or control them.

 

On her side, your lies call the whole relationship into question and rightly so.

 

For you, her past tumultuous behavior gave you valid reservations and now has also called the relationship into question on your side.

 

BOTH of you have created issues and have acted inappropriately.

 

I do not see any kind of a solid foundation to even break the relationship down to a basic point so that you can rebuild.

 

If she has moved on then so be it.

If she hasn't she needs to.

And you do too.

[StarChick]

I really appreciate all the input...my biggest question is why did she kick me out so fast and in the span of two days we went from getting married to threats and never wanting to see me again? After SHE checked my emails.

 

Because, like all of us have said, she loves the drama. She wants to see what you'll do.

 

Don't feed her habit. Move on, be by yourself for a bit to work out some feelings, and then see if you can find a stable, adult relationship to be in. Good luck!

[Bayern]

I think you're much better in this case going for your career. She seems to be a bit too uncontrollable. I'm not saying you need control, but you need to at least know what she is capable of. This woman seemed pretty off-the-wall if you don't mind me saying.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do. IF you can tolerate it and she wants to move to NY, fine. I wouldn't be going to Israel though....

[DustySaltus]

IslandGirl, I know we have been communicating on a few posts here but let me just give you a little more insight to the situation:

 

She knew in the first week that I had not quit my job, I told her that I was going to try and see if I could continue to work remotely (because finding a job over there was hard). After a week or so, when I got a vibe from my boss that wasn't positive I told her that I was planning on telling him that I'm not coming back. Now, I'm going to be honest...I didn't know exactly how I would go about this and yes based on the plane incident I figured that just in case she went off the handle again, I would have options...if things work out GREAT, which is absolutely what I wanted. I wasn't stringing her along looking to go back, I was protecting myself while I could.

 

When my dream job called me, they needed me to go back to NY for a week for an interview. It is a job that once you are hired, you can put off for up to two years. However, you need to go through the whole process right away otherwise they leave you behind. She understood this, she just didn't think it would happen that quick. I told her that I would put off the job, that is what we agreed but then she started to act differently...checking my emails to try and see if there were other things going on. She saw emails to my mom saying I was having a tough time...and she thought that I wasn't going to back to israel. MY FIANCE...thinks that i'm just going to go to NY and never come back, it's ridiculous.

 

As far as the plane incident, that was a unique situation which cannot be justified....but to be honest the people in the airport were actually happy for me...so they say

 

Yes, maybe i didn't jump with both feet in....i just put my foot in the water for a little while. I regret that, but my friends keep telling me, that if it wasn't this it would be something else and I did the right thing by keeping my options open....not because I was trying to deceive her but because of what the end result was.

[Island Girl]

MY FIANCE...thinks that i'm just going to go to NY and never come back, it's ridiculous.

 

When there is doubt - especially under the circumstances of leaving to your home country that you have been expressing to people you are missing, along with the NOT having quit your job (it doesn't matter how long the lie went on what matters is there was one) - it is easy to feel that something MAY be happening and you aren't getting the full story.

 

This kind of distance breeds insecurity and you did not alleviate it for each other --- you added to it.

 

And BELIEVE ME I know of which I speak.

 

In this relationship BOTH of you needed to be open books to each other. EVERY answer is truthful. If plans or feelings change it is talked about with the other person.

 

Open and HONEST communication with the primary consideration being understanding of what the OTHER person is going through is crucial.

You didn't have a foundation of this.

There are all of the insecurities that come with LDRs in the first place and then both of you added to those and fanned the flames of the fire.

 

BAD NEWS.

 

 

Yes, maybe i didn't jump with both feet in....i just put my foot in the water for a little while. I regret that, but my friends keep telling me, that if it wasn't this it would be something else and I did the right thing by keeping my options open....not because I was trying to deceive her but because of what the end result was.

 

Now you will never know whether it would have had a different outcome if you'd have committed wholeheartedly and completely honestly.

 

I know my SO well enough that if he is not 100% committed I can tell. I can tell from the tone of his voice and the words he chooses. I know something is wrong even if I do not know exactly what it is.

If that was so my reactions to what he says would be different and guarded too.

 

Yin and Yang my friend.

 

If it went on long enough then I would doubt our relationship and I would doubt how committed he really is to me.

So I'd pull away and probably be on edge and constantly searching for clues to put the puzzle together.

All because of a lack of disclosure.

The core element to a successful LDR is trust. Once violated the other hardships faced would rip it and the people involved apart.

I know if I had done what you did on either side it'd be devastating to my relationship and we'd be over I'm sure.

[DustySaltus]

I wanted to alleviate those trust issue but like we talked about she wouldn't even sit down and do that. It could've been explained and worked out, but she was a tornado at that point...that wasn't grounds to break an engagement just like that...

[Island Girl]

I wanted to alleviate those trust issue but like we talked about she wouldn't even sit down and do that. It could've been explained and worked out, but she was a tornado at that point...that wasn't grounds to break an engagement just like that...

 

It wasn't the first time she reacted like a tornado -- it seems to be the way she reacts to everything.

 

This problem should have been addressed in a very serious way (counseling) the very first time it came up.

Then there may have been a shot.

 

As it is now things have gone way overboard. E-mailing your boss??!!

Flipping out like that and kicking you out??

 

What would it take for you to have complete trust and faith that she'd never do anything like that again??

Wouldn't you be turning a blind eye to reality to even try to be with her?

Wouldn't you be sleeping with one eye open??