Lisa616 Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Hi....I have been following these threads for awhile now and posted my story a few months back. Here's a recap and an update...thought it might be interesting to here from the wife who wanted out but now wants back in.... Asked H to leave in Jan. after a year of emotional disconnect; just about separate lives; my fault-pulled away from him; no sex; no real conversations except kids, etc. Married 18 years-2 kids, 7 and 15.H was an alcoholic first 8 yrs of marriage; I am classic codependent-manipulative, controlling, etc. Lived w/some sort of addictive males since a baby; H got sober, embraced AA-totally changed but became more emotionally withdrawn; however, he's a good man-honest, hardworking, good dad and was a good husband.No infidelity on either part except fantasy land in my own head-I thought there had to be more than this-more romance, better sex, etc, etc.-pretty classic mid-life crisis for me (both in early 40's)-he became totally consumed with motorcyles...bought a chopper, tatoos, bought me a jacket/helmet wanted me to ride-I never did.So he leaves.....then initiates total NC with me except for kid stuff and household/financial-but no verbal-only text messages or through daughter-I begin therapy, start Alanon and think we need to give our marriage another shot-realize the grass is not greener and I had a good man and threw it away. Hurt kids, hurt him.....he refuses to come home or even discuss it6 months now separated-he did speak to me yesterday-said he still considers himself married and is in therapy himself (he also attends 4-5 AA meetings a week-very involved); but says he will not be manipulated or pressured by me; feels like we have very ingrained behavior patterns that will be very hard to break; does not know what he wants to do yet but wants to be selfish for himself and work on himself-says I need more time to incorporate changes and work my own program in Alanon (I have been going 3-4x per week; have a sponsor and go to therapy ev. other week). Says he is sorry we are all in limbo, but he just doesn't know.We have 2 acres in SoCal with 5 horses, 5 dogs, goat, pool, older home with lots of upkeep,2 kids etc. It's been hard for me to do everything myself but I also know this is what I said I wanted and this is what he has given me. I am learning extreme patience and practicing being loving and kind in all my interactions with him.I may have lost him for good....only time will tell and I appreciate him giving our marriage so much time to consider as he was very angry and hurt with me and it would have been easy to just file for divorce, but he has not.I know that I am not the victim here; I caused this....but I wanted you all to know that sometimes even the spouse who was totally wrong and hurtful can change for the better......I am working very hard to address all my issues from the co-dependency to the sexual issues and I hope my H will come home some day.....if not, I have learned a terrible lesson at the cost of my children and life as we know it now.I have followed a lot of your threads and see the hurt, loss and devastation caused by stupid, impulsive people such as myself and I am ashamed. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Hi Lisa Thank you so much for posting your story, it really is very good of you to do so. For me it is good to know that the one that leaves (mine is very much in the grass is greener thing), can sometimes realise that they made a mistake. The fact that you have posted shows that you are dealing with your issues and have made a positive change towards reconciliation with your H if he is willing. You are right, there are a lot of people on here, who have been on the recieving end (including me) and as you have said the pain experienced is terrible. Now though, you are kind of aware of that pain too, you are in a way, on the other side of it now, with your H decicing, rather than you. For that, I feel for you, keep posting, everyone here is great, always ready to listen and once again, thank you for your honest post, it helps to know! Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 lisa616... i would like to say, it takes an amazingly BIG person to post what you have:) and thank you for sharing YOUR story and pain with us too.. being on the other side...(my H walked out on me)...its good for me to hear the other side as well....also you mentioned the grass is NOT always greener? this next question may be something you are not ready to answer or do not feel you want to ...and that is completely OK... did you leave for OM? or did you just need to be alone? thank you again for sharing...your posts help us all theraputially too:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lisa616 Posted July 21, 2009 Author Share Posted July 21, 2009 Thanks for your more than kind responses.....I really don't deserve them but thank you in any case. To answer your question, there wasn't any other real OM except the fantasy in my own head. I remember being at a resort last summer and watching an older couple laying on a raft together.....her on top of him just floating around in the pool and it seemed so intimate and romantic and I thought to myself, "Where's my man that will do that?" "Where is my man that will hold my hand and walk down the beach?" I thought I wanted more romance and passion in my life. Of course, I could have climbed up on a raft with my H or grabbed him for a walk in the beach....he would have welcomed that. Instead, I built up a bunch of resentments about him in my head and thought he is not what I want anymore-I want excitement and passion.....and the sad thing is that I had that all along.....there was nothing wrong with our love life until I pushed him away and he started sleeping on the couch. So....no other OM except what I built up in my head.....somewhere along the line I forgot about everyday life, raising kids, going through life's joys and sorrows together, having each other's back, growing old together, and all the other promises we made to each other. I think that if another man had surfaced I may have cheated; at least that didn't happen but I can't say it's because of anything I did or didn't do.....thank God for that at least. I look back at myself and my choices and the things I said and did over the past year and a half and I just cringe. There's nothing I can do or say to make it better except to try and honestly deal with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 The fact that you can now see what went wrong, that you forgot about everyday life, that you realise you made the wrong choice, that you know now that relationships take work, all those things have made you a better person and one that is capable of reconcilitation with your H if he decides he is able to move past what happened. Unfortunately, that means that now you know some of the pain that those of us who are left experience, you are welcome here and thank you for posting, it means a lot to just know this is possible and perhaps you can help us to understand how the person who leaves feels and their thought processes? Do you think you could call my ex and tell him? LOL No, probaly wouldn't do any good. How are you feeling at the moment? Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 i wonder if that is what my H was thinking...about the romance etc... and all the while...there i was just waiting for him to get off of his computer to come and be with me...romantic, movies, dinner, whatever...all the stuff we did just teh year before...it was that last year...everything just went away... so lisa616, thank you, cause i think hearing your side has helped me see what maybe my H is/was going thru??? anyway..i guess now it really doesn't matter much...he there? and i am here... well, i sure hope IT all works out for YOU...you deserve a second chance at life with your family:) Link to post Share on other sites
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