WS dealing worse than BS?

[OFGnomore]

Most days, 8 months post disclosure, I think my H is doing much better than I am. Not that I want him to suffer more but it seems like I need to talk about what happened, feel intense pain by actions etc.

 

He seems to be so much more functional and rarely brings up the A. Is it because I do it for him? Is it because I confessed, answered all his q's and was in therapy for a year before I came clean?

 

It almost seems too good to be true. Now mind you, he blew his gasket 3 weeks out but it's like he lanced a boil. Is healing like this typical?

 

What is normal healing time for a WS post affair? You dont' see these stats.

[boldjack]

Complete healing? Never. This boil will have to be lanced from now on. This is the nature of infidelity.

[Dexter Morgan]

Most days, 8 months post disclosure, I think my H is doing much better than I am. Not that I want him to suffer more but it seems like I need to talk about what happened, feel intense pain by actions etc.

 

He seems to be so much more functional and rarely brings up the A. Is it because I do it for him? Is it because I confessed, answered all his q's and was in therapy for a year before I came clean?

 

the way you word things, it was hard to tell who was the WS and who was the BS in your situation.

 

so I'm taking it that you are the WS because of your "confession".

 

being that is the case, he doesn't want to talk about it because its painful. Its in his head all the time, what you did to him, the visions of you spreading them for another man....so why the hell would he want to talk about it?

 

 

It almost seems too good to be true. Now mind you, he blew his gasket 3 weeks out but it's like he lanced a boil. Is healing like this typical?

 

What is normal healing time for a WS post affair? You dont' see these stats.

 

what is it you are needing to heal from as a WS? you were the one that caused the damage.

[Spark1111]

OfG, great question! As a BW, I so want to talk about it much more than he does.

 

Could it be that the need to talk about all the emotions regarding the affair be along gender lines, with females wanting to discuss it often and males just wanting to go forward???

 

I look forward to the WS responses to your question.

[delajoonal]

i don't think IT can ever truly heal or disappear....

 

my H left me because of an online EA, that never came to fruition...BUT he left anyway, mostly because HE said that i would NEVER trust him again, and prolly even 7 years later i would still be asking him who he is talking to, what he is doing on the computer, checking the cell bill, etc....

 

my H was right...although i would give anything to reconcile, go to MC, etc...

i do believe that trust would be gone forever...and with out trust...there really isn't much left:(

 

especially since trust/fidetly was NEVER an issue in our marriage, neither of us ever had a jealous bone in our bodies....just never was an issue...then he went on Facebook to play a game, so he says, and that is where it all started...the EA...

we did try after all was said and done...but i was constantly checking, asking, looking, etc....ack!

it was awful:(

 

i wish you luck...if your H is willing to forgive and move on so quickly and easily, he must be a saint:) or just is dealing with it all very rationally.

 

good luck and take care:)

[OFGnomore]

what is it you are needing to heal from as a WS?

 

Moment of clarity, the inner wound I had long before I met my H.

[Snowflower]

I also look forward to hearing from FWS responding to this question.

 

I know this is generalizing things a bit, but I do thing that women (WS and BS) tend to focus on the emotional impacts of the affair longer than the men do, whether the husband was the BS or WS. Yes, I know there are exceptions to this. And, everyone reacts and heals differently.

 

Like you OFG, I am also 8 months out from d-day, I'm just on the other side of the fence. I think it gets easier as time goes on, don't you?

[boldjack]

OFG, When you enter into an affair, you make it a part of your marital history. This can never change, you can never undo your affair. He is dealing with it as best he can, and seems to have a handle on it most of the time. But you must realize that even if he forgives, he will never forget, and it will come up, occasionally. The best thing you can do, is to continue to be completely transparent and honest and available, for those times he need to vent about it.

[silktricks]

what is it you are needing to heal from as a WS? you were the one that caused the damage.

 

I can tell you that my husband (the one who cheated ) had probably as much healing to do as I did. He is still unbelievably embarassed and ashamed about what happened, and is more upset at this point than I am (though for us, it's been over 5 years since D-Day.)

 

If you are an honorable person, it is difficult to impossible to deal with the FACT of what you did. What you did both to your spouse and to yourself. It's easy to see the hurt of the BS, and even the OW/OM, but most of the time you never hear about the hurt of the WS - except for those few who speak of the hurt of leaving the OW/OM - but my husband was in PAIN. Not for the OW (by the time he ended it with her he was relieved to end it), but for me, what he had done to me, and for himself and how he had destroyed himself, what he had done to US and wondering if we would ever be back to "normal".

 

OFG - I hope everything works out for the two of you. 8 months seems awfully quick for the kind of recovery your husband appears to be showing.. but you know him best. Does he tend to hide his feelings (especially painful ones) or does he let it out? If he's a hider type, you could be in for a rollercoaster ride.... sometime down the line....

[eyeswide]

 

 

what is it you are needing to heal from as a WS? you were the one that caused the damage.

 

Gosh, you are boring, Dexter. Is it fun thinking in such a 2-dimensional manner?

 

You don't think transgressors are traumatized by doing harm? Only true if they are sociopaths. If every person who committed infidelity were sociopathic this would be a seriously scary planet.

 

Sometimes people do things without thinking through the consequences of their actions. Yes, that's bad. Hopefully they learn. I think I have.

 

Sometimes people do things and incorrectly predict how they will feel about it later. Also a shame. Again, we hope they at least gain better self-knowledge from the experience.

 

Sometimes you have some good insights and sometimes I think your straight-talk is helpful. But too often you just sound like a sanctimonious prick. I'd say that I'd love to have a look in your closets to see what kinds of skeletons are in there, but - no - I guess I'm not all that interested. But what ARE you doing here if you can't be helpful to the OP and insist on demonstrating you are incapable of empathy?

 

hmmm...maybe you are useful. It's not my usual style but feels kind of good to lash out at you. Kind of like lancing a boil!

[Dexter Morgan]

Moment of clarity, the inner wound I had long before I met my H.

 

long before you met your H? What does that have to do with healing as a WS? if it was something "long before" you met H, then it doesn't have anything to do with your cheating.

[Dexter Morgan]

I can tell you that my husband (the one who cheated ) had probably as much healing to do as I did. He is still unbelievably embarassed and ashamed about what happened, and is more upset at this point than I am (though for us, it's been over 5 years since D-Day.)

 

but that isn't something for him to have to heal from....its something he has to suck up and simply deal with.

 

the healing is for the people that were damaged, not the people doing the damage.

 

 

 

If you are an honorable person, it is difficult to impossible to deal with the FACT of what you did. What you did both to your spouse and to yourself. It's easy to see the hurt of the BS, and even the OW/OM, but most of the time you never hear about the hurt of the WS

 

as an xBS, I can tell you that if there is hurt from the WS, they brought it on themselves and I have no sympathy for them. My sympathies lie with all the BS's out there.

[Dexter Morgan]

Gosh, you are boring, Dexter.

 

then don't respond

 

 

Is it fun thinking in such a 2-dimensional manner?

 

not fun, just logical and one simple way to see things for how they really are so not to be played for a fool.

 

 

You don't think transgressors are traumatized by doing harm?

 

maybe, maybe not. but in the end, its fitting that they suffer, if they truly are.

 

 

Only true if they are sociopaths. If every person who committed infidelity were sociopathic this would be a seriously scary planet.

 

no, if every person COMMITTED infidelity, ...it would be a seriously scary planet. Fortunately there are those out there that don't.

 

 

Sometimes you have some good insights and sometimes I think your straight-talk is helpful. But too often you just sound like a sanctimonious prick.

 

better that than a cheater:o

 

 

I'd say that I'd love to have a look in your closets to see what kinds of skeletons are in there, but - no - I guess I'm not all that interested. But what ARE you doing here if you can't be helpful to the OP and insist on demonstrating you are incapable of empathy?

 

my empathy lies with those that are betrayed and those that are hurt, sometimes destroyed, by the acts of people such as yourself.

 

 

hmmm...maybe you are useful. It's not my usual style but feels kind of good to lash out at you.

 

go ahead...coming from a cheater, OM/OW...whatever the hell you are....it doesn't affect me. Kind of a compliment as far as I'm concerned:)

[Snowflower]

Okay that was a nice detour from the original OP's question.

 

There are plenty of WS who do feel remorse for what they have done and I think that was the original topic of this thread. Let's continue the original discussion please.

[Dexter Morgan]

Okay that was a nice detour from the original OP's question.

 

There are plenty of WS who do feel remorse for what they have done and I think that was the original topic of this thread. Let's continue the original discussion please.

 

I don't doubt there is remorse. That wasn't the point. Point was, remorse doesn't mean a WS has to heal. i contend that a WS doesn't need to heal from anything as they were the ones that were wronged.

 

They just have to deal with their issues....not "heal".

[Snowflower]

I don't doubt there is remorse. That wasn't the point. Point was, remorse doesn't mean a WS has to heal. i contend that a WS doesn't need to heal from anything as they were the ones that were wronged.

 

They just have to deal with their issues....not "heal".

 

Fair enough, let's say deal with their issues instead of heal from them. "Dealing with" issues might be a better way for FWS to cope with what they have done.

[Owl]

I'd disagree with you on this one, Dex.

 

It doesn't matter who CAUSED the wound...self-inflicted or otherwise...the damage is still done.

 

If someone intentionally cuts themselves with a knife...they still have to heal from the damage the blade caused...regardless of the fact they did it intentionally.

 

OFG, there are two likely answers to why you seem to struggle more with the affair than your H does.

 

1. It could be that he healed over it more quickly than you did. He recognized that it wasn't about him, that it was all about your choices, and he was able to cope with the damage much more quickly that way. You, on the other hand, have to face that all of this WAS caused by your actions...you're now dealing with the guilt of those choices.

 

2. Or it could be that he's NOT healed from it. He's merely "swept it under the rug". He's not dealt with what he's feeling, he's ignored it. That can be risky...if he's not processed it, if the two of you haven't worked through a "real" recovery, this could come up later in a major way.

 

The comments that other posters made about this "never being forgotten" are partially true at least, from my perspective. We're 5 years past d-day now, and it still occasionally comes up in conversation. But it's NOT the horribly painful, emotionally ripping discussions that it used to be. As someone said...it's a part of our marital history now...so it will come up sometimes. But it doesn't define our marriage at all anymore, and it's not like a reopening of the wound when we discuss it.

[confusedinkansas]

OFGnomore

He seems to be so much more functional and rarely brings up the A.

 

Everyone heals differently & at a different rate. We all have different personalities & handle things very differently then the next guy.

My husband - did have a bit of a melt down in the beginning - but after that - He was "over it". (so to speak) Did & Does not bring it up. If there was any talk of the A - I was the one that brought it up.

 

A few will claim that your husband is thinking about this affair 24/7. I don't buy into that. While I'm sure that he will occasionally think about what happened - those thoughts will fade consierably over time.

 

Just because some people can't manage to ever heal from an affair - Doesn't mean everyone is like that.

 

They just have to deal with their issues....not "heal".

 

I do think you need time to heal too. Whether you were the one that had the affair or not - You are not immune to emotions.

[silktricks]

but that isn't something for him to have to heal from....its something he has to suck up and simply deal with.

 

the healing is for the people that were damaged, not the people doing the damage.

 

as an xBS, I can tell you that if there is hurt from the WS, they brought it on themselves and I have no sympathy for them. My sympathies lie with all the BS's out there.

 

Of course they bring it on themselves, but that does not preclude the fact that there is damage. Damage from which they must heal. Pain from which they must heal. Sometimes the damage done to oneself is even worse than the pain done to the BS.

 

In our case, I believe the pain he suffered from the most was witnessing the pain I was in, though. He - in his idiocy - didn't expect me to react the way (and to the extent) that I did. But after he had started to heal from that was when it finally struck him about what he did and how he damaged himself by his actions.

 

As I believe Owl said, just because a wound is self-inflicted doesn't mean it is less of a wound.

[NOTSURE7]

but that isn't something for him to have to heal from....its something he has to suck up and simply deal with.

 

the healing is for the people that were damaged, not the people doing the damage.

 

 

 

 

 

as an xBS, I can tell you that if there is hurt from the WS, they brought it on themselves and I have no sympathy for them. My sympathies lie with all the BS's out there.

 

i 100% disagree,as a wh only 2 weeks from dday, i can tell you that healing is not only for those who are damaged, dex- it may be hard for you to beleive but there are some good people out there who also cheat and thaey do feel remorse,pain,sadness,ashamed etc etc,the fact that they cheated dosent always mean they are devoid of feelings and not just because they got caught but because after they are caught or in my case confess and they see the devastation and the pain in the bs and they step back and reflect on what they have done they will also feel pain within themselves,yes there is definte healing needed for any ws,so maybe you dont have any sympathy and i agree we dont deserve it, but to say there is no healing needed is ridiculous.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

NS7,

 

With all due respect, it is difficult for some people to understand that one could choose to cause that kind of devistation to someone that they claim to love without "knowing" the outcome.

 

I know if I cheat on my spouse that it will cause divistation, I know if I toss my child across the room, that it will cause physical damage. Being remorsefull after the fact would seem ridiculous to many, though I would indeed be hurting from the consequences of my actions.

 

Pain in the WS, though I "KNOW" it must be there in some situations, is a tough theory for me to swallow.

 

I do beleive healing is necessary but its healing that was needed to begin with.

[eyeswide]

go ahead...coming from a cheater, OM/OW...whatever the hell you are....it doesn't affect me. Kind of a compliment as far as I'm concerned:)

 

Actually, I'm both a WS and a BS. So I guess in DM's mind that cancels out my pain and I have nothing to recover from either. But I'd say I've had to recover from both.

 

The first time we went through D-day (when my A was revealed), my husband seemed to recover very quickly, but I felt guilty all the time. I wanted to talk more but he didn't.

 

2 years later he had an affair. It was far more involved than mine. He fell in love. He took weeks to end it because he couldn't bring himself to give up life without her. He talked to a lawyer about filing for D. Couldn't do it in the end and decided he wanted to stay, but I watched him cry for days as he imagined breaking it off with his OW.

 

I figured that it would take him months - years - to recover. So did he.

 

Since then, he's been really pretty good. We talk all the time about both As, but I'm the one who seems most messed up them -- and he still doens't like to talk much about mine.

 

The quality of recovery seems much different this time, but still my H seems more "over it" than I am.

[NOTSURE7]

NS7,

 

With all due respect, it is difficult for some people to understand that one could choose to cause that kind of devistation to someone that they claim to love without "knowing" the outcome.

 

I know if I cheat on my spouse that it will cause divistation, I know if I toss my child across the room, that it will cause physical damage. Being remorsefull after the fact would seem ridiculous to many, though I would indeed be hurting from the consequences of my actions.

 

Pain in the WS, though I "KNOW" it must be there in some situations, is a tough theory for me to swallow.

 

I do beleive healing is necessary but its healing that was needed to begin with.

 

i can see your point but many people do things without fully thinking it through and sometimes they dont make a concious choice, people get lost in the moment or the thrill or the chase and you block out what might happen if you get caught because your not thinking your ever going to get caught, then bam you get caught or you confess and all of the sudden you begin to see what you did and if you are a remourseful person you do begin to feel pain and you do suffer and you see the hurt and devastation you cause and yes you too need to heal, i am not taking anything away from the pain of a bs,i know that is much much greater than that of a ws and one i dont think i could ever imagine but i am pointing out that we too feel pain and hurt and need to heal.

[Spark1111]

The biggest issue in my recovery as a BS has been my husband's inability to talk about his actions that led to the affair, more than the affair itself.

 

I have recovered and healed at a quicker rate than he has, and he is strongly of the mindset that we should just move forward. He wants HIS CURRENT ACTIONS to speak for him and his love and devotion for me.

 

While that is all well and good in restoring trust, I STILL NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT, something he resists because it brings him to a sad and guilty place he does not want to be. This does impede MY PROGRESS, but I am patient and willing to wait while he does more work with his counselor.

 

I think the final hurdle to healing for us will be when he can talk about it openly and honestly. He more than realizes the damage done, but still has not processed his shame to the point where he can have a calm conversation about it without spiralling downward into depression.

 

My need to talk about it, disect it, is to feel reassured that this will never happen again. So until we both have our needs met, our recovery remains in this limbo; he cannot talk fully, so I cannot commit fully.

[aeh]

My H and I have had a lot of discussions about this bc I, too, have had a hard time accepting that he didn't know exactly what kind of devastation he would cause. It's not like he's a moron or lost his brain during his 10 month A. He knew when we took our vows 15 years ago what he was committing, too, and he used to be a jealous guy and definitely made me aware of boundaries long ago...then he goes out to lunch with OW from work and bam, there it is. I resent this fact that he used to be so possessive of me in the early years and then he crosses the line in such a big way. He does seem truly remorseful, brings it up, is the one getting the MC on the schedule all of the time, etc tells me he's sorry 1,000 times a day, he can't believe how badly he hurt me (!!?), has been "blown away" by my reaction (?!?), etc., has never felt so badly about himself, feels like a slimeball...

 

But he has made remarks about me being "hurt" and "angry" which I have to laugh (not really) because if he considers this the anger I'm showing him the amount of anger I truly have, he has no clue. It barely scratches the surface of what's beneath.