WS dealing worse than BS?

[2sure]

I am so pleased this subject came up as I have had similar thoughts lately. Its been about 2 years since my H cheated.

 

As Boldjack says...it has become part of our history. Much like other crisis and tragedy becomes incorporated in someone's life...I wont forget it, but have absorbed it and moved on. I truly believe the crisis changed me as a person and changed my husband as well - his perception of me, himself and the marriage.

 

Several times recently he has been overcome with guilt, feeling like he is not good enough for me. So much so that for a brief moment I thought to myself: is he feeling guilty for something that he has done recently? But its a fleeting thought because I really do trust him and know that he is simply looking back at what he did and feeling remorse. We had to have a talk and I told him he had to stop. His feeling guilty for so long from a lesson he has already learned can hurt us just as much as if I continued being paranoid.

 

About 6 months ago I realized the most important thing that came out of the crisis: I lived. I survived. I am strong. I have something to offer. I will not be a victim. These were huge realizations for me and have empowered me as an individual. Because of those realizations - I decided to just go ahead and trust my husband. Completely. It has less to do with him than with me.

 

So, sometimes how much or how soon a person forgives or moves on has a lot to do with how they feel about themselves. Your H may be feeling strong enough to not fear getting hurt.

 

I'm not very good at 'splainin.

[NOTSURE7]

The biggest issue in my recovery as a BS has been my husband's inability to talk about his actions that led to the affair, more than the affair itself.

 

I have recovered and healed at a quicker rate than he has, and he is strongly of the mindset that we should just move forward. He wants HIS CURRENT ACTIONS to speak for him and his love and devotion for me.

 

While that is all well and good in restoring trust, I STILL NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT, something he resists because it brings him to a sad and guilty place he does not want to be. This does impede MY PROGRESS, but I am patient and willing to wait while he does more work with his counselor.

 

I think the final hurdle to healing for us will be when he can talk about it openly and honestly. He more than realizes the damage done, but still has not processed his shame to the point where he can have a calm conversation about it without spiralling downward into depression.

 

My need to talk about it, disect it, is to feel reassured that this will never happen again. So until we both have our needs met, our recovery remains in this limbo; he cannot talk fully, so I cannot commit fully.

 

as a wh 2 weeks post dday where i confessed,i have found very early on that i need to talk about my actions, this isisnt just going to go away or move forward without alot of talking, yes your h probably is sad and guilty as i am all of these things too but he is definetely impeding your progress by shifting the blame to himself and making it all about him being hurt or depressed..

 

dont get me wrong, as a wh i feel depressed,sometimes i feel like i want to die,i feel sometimes like i cant live with myself and i will express this to my w and we adress it but i do not ever do it as a way of ignoring what she is feeling because i know my pain is nothing compared to hers, i ask her all day long what she is thinking,knowing full well i wont like the answer but i want it out of her head and i am not afraid to talk about anything because i know in order to move forward and make true progress i need to adress the issues and not just try to make her feel pity for me as a way of deflecting from her real issues.

[whichwayisup]

The biggest issue in my recovery as a BS has been my husband's inability to talk about his actions that led to the affair, more than the affair itself.

 

I have recovered and healed at a quicker rate than he has, and he is strongly of the mindset that we should just move forward. He wants HIS CURRENT ACTIONS to speak for him and his love and devotion for me.

 

While that is all well and good in restoring trust, I STILL NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT, something he resists because it brings him to a sad and guilty place he does not want to be. This does impede MY PROGRESS, but I am patient and willing to wait while he does more work with his counselor.

 

Spark, it seems like your H isn't really ready to own his part, doesn't want to feel guilt, sadness or deal with your anger, sadness and pain.. For him it could be easier to just let things go, and move on. BUT, by doing that, he is damaging any further rebuilding between you two. He needs to totally come clean and allow you to talk about it, to listen to him, to try to understand the why's.

[NOTSURE7]

i also dont think that people should trust the statitics or what the experts say, yes they have experience but each and every person and situation is unique and people will heal differently, it all depends on the 2 people involved and their willingness and there honesty, there are so many factors involved and i truly beleive every M is different.

 

my point is that i see people posting asking can a marriage recover,how long will it take,what can i expect etc etc,but i think that is up too the 2 people in the M and i dont think that if anyone has the willingness and the desire to make it work that they should ever be deterred by statitics or other peoples past experinces,yes knowledge is power but at the end of the day you are responsible for your destiny.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

but at the end of the day you are responsible for your destiny.

 

Amen to that.

 

NS, if you go back and read what some of the BS's told you on this thread to expect after D day, you will find that its played out so far, almost to a T, so I would not discount other's experiences so easily.

[NOTSURE7]

but at the end of the day you are responsible for your destiny.

 

Amen to that.

 

NS, if you go back and read what some of the BS's told you on this thread to expect after D day, you will find that its played out so far, almost to a T, so I would discount other's experiences so easily.

 

i in no way discount anyones experiences and it has helped me immensely so far, if i didnt want to hear it i wouldnt be here asking for it, my point was more that nobody should ever be deterred by what statistics say or because of what someone else might have experienced, no two people or marriages are the same and if they have the willingness and the desire to try and make it work then there really are no stats or experiences that should keep them from that, they should keep on fighting and pushing forward regardless of what the experts might say.

[phineas]

Is it over OFG?

Truely over?

 

PErhaps your husband doesn't think so & is just letting you think he's past it & just waiting for you to slip up again so he can make his final decision on what to do with the marriage.

 

It's what I did when my wife told me it was over.

Then she got sloppy & I found more evidence & the people here basically asked me if I was blind or stupid because I didn't want to bleieve she was still having an affair or had a PA to begin with.

[Dexter Morgan]

i can see your point but many people do things without fully thinking it through and sometimes they dont make a concious choice

 

don't make a "concious" choice? what does that mean?

[2sure]

don't make a "concious" choice? what does that mean?

 

uh oh. Dexter - remember how the saying goes? He may be the unarmed person.

[Dexter Morgan]

Actually, I'm both a WS and a BS. So I guess in DM's mind that cancels out my pain and I have nothing to recover from either. But I'd say I've had to recover from both.

 

Nothing cancels out a pain from being a BS. you just don't really have the "right" to complain about it, or at the very least think that he isn't worthy of forgiveness since he forgave you (not saying you were thinking about not forgiving him, just in general)

[Gamine]

OFG, When you enter into an affair, you make it a part of your marital history. This can never change, you can never undo your affair. He is dealing with it as best he can, and seems to have a handle on it most of the time. But you must realize that even if he forgives, he will never forget, and it will come up, occasionally. The best thing you can do, is to continue to be completely transparent and honest and available, for those times he need to vent about it.

 

 

As usual, you are right on target BJ.

 

Betrayal is very tough terrain for every single solitary relationship on the planet. It is even more so in a marriage. Lying, deceiving, using, manipulating, and acting in one's own best interests leaves a huge fallout. One should never hurt someone who has entrusted their life with you and who has placed their well being in your hands. If one wishes to see their internal workings one needs only to look at one's actions. In this case you have held up a mirror to your inner being and what is reflecting back is someone who could take advantage of another person if there is a payoff for them.

 

Take this opportunity to examine the reality of what I have just written... and not from the perspective of an IC or MC, but the stripped down, no excuses type of self examination. No excuses. See this within your character and correct it. When you have you will be able to know yourself... how he is feeling...for to see it... you must have a heart and compassion.