He's a man but he doesn't seem to want sex/at least not with his wife/me

[VivianLee]

As soon as we got married, my husband stopped wanting to have sex (that was 17 years ago). He said it wasn't as exciting as it was before we were married. We had such a sparse sex life because after a while, I stopped letting myself want him and so I didn't want sex either. After 4 years of not having sex, we had an incredible month and then he backed off again. A year later we had another incredible week but then it was back off. Plus he has only climaxed 5 times that I know of.

 

He confessed to me two years ago that he was having an affair with someone that he'd known when he was a teen but lived almost 1,000 miles away. He met her after 20 years (on a business trip) and they had a one night stand then they stayed in contact and he went back and spent several days with her. He also admitted to me that he'd been masturbating to porn. Yeah that was quite a bomb to have dropped all in an evening!!

 

We separated for 5 months and I told him I wanted us to work it out if he did but he would need to forever break it off. I asked him how long it would take and we came up with a month. I tried not to give him an ultimatum so it would be more of him breaking up instead of my making them break up.

 

I started buying all this sexy lingerie and clothes to tempt him! Plus, I wanted us to finally have a normal sex life and for us to enjoy each other and get closer and perhaps keep the temptation of cheating out of the picture.

 

He was on Prozac at the time so after he broke up with her, I planned for an awesome night for us. I bought a sexy dress, bought some lingerie just for the occasion, plus candles and lotions, I went all out. He didn't want any of that when it came time, not much foreplay and just basically right to the point. He didn't climax. Plus for our anniversary and other sexual occasions, he couldn't even maintain an erection and he had been on Prozac during his affair.

 

He got on Wellbutrin because it had less sexual side effects. It helped some but 2 years later, he's just not interested in sex. I was always considered attractive by today's sad standards and am told I am still am by someone all the time, including my husband. He gropes and grabs at me all the time but we may have sex every 3-5 months.

 

Here's some history, he was molested (I think raped) when he was around 7 by a man in the neighborhood, this abuse also went on for while. He didn't remember all the details till about 4 years ago.

 

A year ago, he caught me having cyber-sex (this is so embarrassing) with someone I met on the internet. That didn't help our sex life either. And there are some things that I'd rather not discuss that have happened in that direction also, I'm not doing this to make myself look good but just in case he read this, he wouldn't read something I'm not ready to bring up to him.

 

I know that sex isn't the most important part of the relationship but I think I deserve more out of the marriage than being room-mates. Now if he were sick or in bad health, I would understand. But I have discovered that I am a very sexual person and I have needs that need to be met on a daily basis.

 

It seems the only time he can have desire and passion is when it's not with the woman he married. This has caused a problem for our marriage and it's causing damage as we speak.

 

He won't go to counseling. Plus he's in a position in society that everything I've mentioned would be look way down on AND so he doesn't talk to anyone in his life that could give him some words of wisdom. Can you be married and have passion and a great sex life?? Can a man want his wife?? I'm about to just give up and stay for the child's sake (a young teen). Plus I'm just curious if this is normal for a healthy man in his mid 30's?

[TheFaithfulWife]

I had a friend awhile back that had a similiar situtation, her husband had been molested by his neighbor for a number of years. She ended up going to counseling when her husband refused.

During a counseling session the therapist suggested that instead of trying to tempt her husband while in bed or otherwise, that she should just hold him in her arms. She did this for a month or two, she noticed her husband becoming more affectionate during the day and then he started making the advances towards her.

The therapist explained to her that it was normal for a person who has been molested to assume every touch is going to lead to sex. When he discovered that she was just wanting to hold him, no strings attached, it became the husband who wanted more.

 

As for the OW he was with, he may not have enjoyed the sex with her either, but he probably felt that was what she expected of him so he complied.

As for self pleasuring he might feel that this is the only sexual release he is worthy of.

I think you seeing the therapist to better understand your husbands mental state might help with this.

Good luck

TFW

[VivianLee]

Thank you, that is some excellent advice! He does like to snuggle alot.....

[Lanapalace]

That is so sad for both of you. I dated someone for a while who had been molested by his own father. He was a sweet, caring, affectionate man, but he was incapable of having sex. See, I think they don't associate "sex" with "love" after this happens to them. Sex becomes a bad thing. I think the fact that he does love you is exactly what makes him not want to have sex with you. I think the idea of giving him lots of affection is a great idea. You have been such a patient and kind person to stay with him so long under these circumstances. I could now go into a long rampage about how disgusted I get when I hear about a child who has been abused. It ruins their whole life. It is just so unfair and so selfish for someone to take advantage of a child. How can you ever get over something like that? I'll stop here, but it upsets me so much.

 

I don't know a solution to your problem, but I do know that life is more about love than sex, and he is very blessed to have you. I think he was with the other woman because in some part of his mind he knows that wanting sex is a normal and natural thing, and he wants to feel normal. It was probably physically possible for him because it was a secret and something he was "not supposed" to do.

[VivianLee]

I really haven't been that patient, I've never said anything negative to him about it nor have we really ever acknowledged that the abuse could be the true factor of our problems but as I've said in my other post, I've strayed and have sought other venues to take care of my needs. I see people on this board that have been committed to sexless marriages up to 12 years and that makes me feel very small and petty. I guess my biggest "woe is me" thing is that I never got to experience a "normal" sex life inside my marriage plus seeing him able to maintain intimacy with someone else but not with me just plain hurts. If it is the molestation that keeps him from being with me, I know I need to look at it as if it were a handicap or whatever but I would probably have alot more patience if this condition wouldn't make it where he can be with someone just fine outside our marriage but can't be fine with me within our marriage. See what I mean? I always think, if he were paralyzed and couldn't have sex, I would be fine to stand by him but it wouldn't make me feel too great if he were paralyzed but couldn't have sex with me but was able to with someone else. He was in therapy for depression for a full year BUT he never mentioned his abuse, he only dealt with his Co-dependency.

 

I guess I'm at a place in my life with my child going to leave in a few years, do I feel committed enough to this marriage to hold out and hope I get passion in my life with my husband or do I leave some day and hopefully find it with someone else? And is it passion important (what little I've experienced was pretty dang good)? This man is truly a good friend and a sweet person but he's had issues that have ruined our lives in one form or another over the years (To be fair, I've not been perfect and have had my own issues! I guess everyone does to an extent)) Do I want to deal with this the rest of my life? There's alot of "I's" mentioned here, sounds like "I'm" being mighty selfish!!

[Arabess]

Vivian....I don't think you are being selfish at all! Nor do you have to be perfect to expect a sex life with your husband. If the cause isn't medical or mental....maybe it's time to discuss with him as to what he wants out of your marriage.

 

It seems to me he's been quite upfront with you. He didn't have to tell you about the OW or the porn thing. So, maybe a nice long chat to decide if you are going to just stay together as a family for the child's sake...try again to find the spark...or call it quits.....needs to be a decision you make together.

 

Just an after thought....maybe you should find out what kind of porn turns him on and see if you can't incorporate in your own sexlife together. Sometimes people have a fetish or particular turn on they are embarassed to share with their spouse. Again...it was just a thought.

[VivianLee]

Arabess,

I think the reason I'm leaning more and more towards the abuse situation (or this could just be my way of coping with the fact he may not want me that way) is because after we got back together, I decided to really open up with my sexual side. I bought the sexy lingerie, candles, oils and read tons of "how to please a man" sites!!

We started out the first few months (as he got off the Prozac and got on another med w/o as many sexual side effects) he let me light the candles and wear the lingerie. However, he didn't even want to kiss, didn't want me to use any of my "how to please" stuff (he doesn't even want oral!!) nor did he want to foreplay. At first I was just thankful that he could have sex again, that we were having sex again and that it was more than once a week. I had the spark back....I had it big time and I believe he did to. It wasn't just sex though. I'd write him love notes and long, loving e-mails and he could barely muster a reply back (he was very expressive to me when we were dating and first married and was very expressive to OW, so he had it in him).......I look back and it's odd, I was pursuing the daylights out of him and making up for the things I may have done to fail him in our marriage and he was the one that cheated!!

 

As usual after a few months of semi-frequent sex. He stopped wanting to. He has back trouble and stomach trouble so it was always that then I realized it was just becoming excuses....

 

That's when I gave up sought other venues....

 

He says he loves me, he gropes me daily and tells me I'm attractive from time to time. But we're going on since July of having sex.....I just don't understand. Till I figured in the molestation. That's the only thing I can figure out. Here I am willing to fulfill every fantasy he can dream of and to please him in anyway, I would love to pleasure him orally but he says he feels it's degrading for me....I think the last ditch effort may be if I can get him to get some counseling for his problem, not just for me but for himself, especially for himself!!

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and letting me vent! I really, really appreciate it!

[Jan88]

Vivian,

I sort of know what your going through because my boyfriend has been less phisical lately. I feel bad about it because a guy is supposed to be turned on i feel. If i can't do even that, what kind of women am i? right? Well no, don't think that way. It's his problem not yours. But i know you love him and the main reason you are wrighting here is to help him and you be together and happy.

 

I know that you probably feel a little inferior to the other women. Well don't. My guess is that your husband is having trouble connecting love with sex. Maybe he has trouble truley respecting the one he is having sex with. Be cause he respects you and loves you he doesn't want to see you in an unpure way. The other women on the other hand can just be a sexual object he doesn't feel he needs to respect her. I know that this makes it hard, but some people just have more trouble then others in figuring out the art of making love. I understand it a little because i feel really bad after sexual stuff sometimes. Maybe he has the same problem as me.

 

Just talk to him. Find out what his issue is with sex. Most of all remember that you are attractive and beautiful or he wouldn't have been attracted to you in the first place. And remember to be sensitive with him. this may be a very hard thing for him.